dazednveryconfused Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 So me and my wife have been married for a few years, and been together much longer. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, but we love each other and have always tried to work things out. During the last year we started going to counselling, and my wife said that she hasn't loved me more than she has since we've been going to counselling. One thing that really bothers me is that she has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years, and I'm not as physically attracted to her as I used to be. I'm a very healthy person (exercise, eat healthy, etc) but she leads a different lifestyle, doesn't really exercise (unless you count 5-10 min dog walks), snacks a lot, and doesn't really eat the same foods i do. I've tried to make some suggestions on going for runs, gym together, etc but she doesn't really seem into it. I think it has significantly impact the intimacy in our relationship, we haven't had sex in over a year. I really love her but I feel we are becoming more disconnected. Has anyone been through a similar situation like this before?
Author dazednveryconfused Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 How much weight has she gained? Mr. Lucky if i had to guess i would say 40-50 pounds
Ladybug12 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Explain to her gently that you love her very much, but her weight gain is an issue for you. You don't want to leave her, but you want her to take on a plan to lose weight because it's affecting your sexual interest? Be prepared to not have sex for a while. Compliment her in other ways. Point out things she did that were intelligent, thoughtful, etc Encourage her as she loses weight with over the top compliments. It's not a bad thing to be to embelish a little when it makes the other person feel better and she'll need it. But your needs matter, so you should say something or risk resenting her for something she isn't even aware of.
Lostinlife4now Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 So me and my wife have been married for a few years, and been together much longer. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, but we love each other and have always tried to work things out. During the last year we started going to counselling, and my wife said that she hasn't loved me more than she has since we've been going to counselling. One thing that really bothers me is that she has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years, and I'm not as physically attracted to her as I used to be. I'm a very healthy person (exercise, eat healthy, etc) but she leads a different lifestyle, doesn't really exercise (unless you count 5-10 min dog walks), snacks a lot, and doesn't really eat the same foods i do. I've tried to make some suggestions on going for runs, gym together, etc but she doesn't really seem into it. I think it has significantly impact the intimacy in our relationship, we haven't had sex in over a year. I really love her but I feel we are becoming more disconnected. Has anyone been through a similar situation like this before? On one hand I would say..."It's not about what she looks like, but what is on the inside". BUT.....She would be healthier if she dropped some weight! Bring her to the gym with you! Let her jump on a treadmill (With an Ipod of great MUSIC) while you go off and do your thing! Bet she will like it!
xpaperxcutx Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Overeating and lack of exercise could be related to depression. If she's stuck in a rut, she needs to get out more and start taking charge of her life. Set goals for weight loss like running a 10k or getting to a certain weight by a certain time. If she likes to stay home mostly, make her do aerobics at home. Buy a home workout program and start exercising with her. I know many friends who are bought those Beachbody programs with their spouses and they started working out together to be healthy. Set summer goals, set good habits together. The thing is you yourself need to do these things with her.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Overeating and lack of exercise could be related to depression. If she's stuck in a rut, she needs to get out more and start taking charge of her life. Set goals for weight loss like running a 10k or getting to a certain weight by a certain time. If she likes to stay home mostly, make her do aerobics at home. Buy a home workout program and start exercising with her. I know many friends who are bought those Beachbody programs with their spouses and they started working out together to be healthy. Set summer goals, set good habits together. The thing is you yourself need to do these things with her. Speaking from experience, it's almost impossible to get someone to do these things that would rather sit on the couch. The OP said this: I've tried to make some suggestions on going for runs, gym together, etc but she doesn't really seem into it. Walk into any Sizzler, Golden Corral or Hometown Buffet. Some people simply don't want to exercise and don't seem to be concerned about the consequences of not doing so... Mr. Lucky 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) Get ready for a **** storm. Women and "the weight talk," often turns ugly, especially if she herself feels like she is in a rut and cannot lose the weight. I have the opposite problem. I can't gain weight. I have struggled for close to 10 years to gain weight or gain fat mainly. I am 125lbs/5'4" now but that is because I'm finally on medication to help address a hormone problem I have. I have PCOS so my male hormones are more abundant than my female hormones. I barely have periods and I never ovulate without drugs like Clomid or Soy Isoflavones. I have 19% body fat. Its fat I cannot gain. Lol. I have tried everything I could imagine. I have seen Dr after Dr. I finally wanted to start trying for a baby so I stopped birth control and then my cycle were 4-5 months long. My Ob finally figured out that I have PCOS because I finally stopped birth control and it allowed my cycles to show their true colors. My entire life finally made sense with this diagnosis. I was never able to control my weight and being attacked for it is painful. I find it difficult to deal with people who tell me I just need to eat more. Or who stare because I am eating more than they think should fit. I have very large muscles and a 6 pack I don't deserve. I have people ask me if I go to the gym all day, every day... I have even been asked, "do you go to the gym like 10 times a day?!?!" My response is no. No I don't. I don't ever go to the gym. If I did, I would be 145 lbs of rock hard muscle. People think I'm lying. People judge me. People are actually really mean. If I had control, I would control it. It was never as simple as eating more and exercising less. Never. I eat like a pig and live a fairly sedentary lifestyle outside of work. My job is very physical but I like to stay healthy. She has no intention of going to the gym or getting healthy and you cannot *make* her go, or *make* her do aerobics from home even. Could she make you be a lazy person, sit on the couch, make you stay home from the gym, make you eat McDonalds daily? No. You would not change to accommodate her lifestyle so it will be difficult to convince her to adapt to yours. I know you're probably not even expecting a whole lot, especially over night. I would assume you didn't marry her based on her looks alone, so looking past these things may be your best bet. I'm not saying I myself would do what she's doing, but its impossible to change someone who doesn't see a reason to change. Alternatively, go through cupboards and throw anything packaged, canned, bagged, or boxed out. Clean the fridge out of all things unhealthy and be the one who does the shopping. Don't buy unhealthy food. Make a point to her that you, as a family are going to work through this and mention that you would really like to work with her on this journey. Its not an easy topic, especially when it is loaded emotionally, especially with all you're going through. Do not bring this up in counselling for the first time. She will feel attacked. Once you have spoken to her, then talk it out in counselling so you can meet in the middle. She will feel blindsided in counselling. You can attempt to address this and speak to her about her weight but prepare for WWIII. Prepare for the worst, but expect the best. Who knows, maybe she just really needs to support, love and respect and a shoulder to cry on while she addresses these things. Edited May 3, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1
KraftDinner Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 40-50 pounds is a LOT. Like seriously dangerous. But really all you can do is have a heart-to-heart. Trying to get her to change will be pointless and will only drive you guys apart emotionally. There's really not anything you can do. She'll have to come to the decision to lose weight on her own. My ex-husband was big when I met him but really not super fat or anything. He weighed like 220 with a HUGE frame, so it was barely a layer of padding. I didn't mind, I like a little padding on a dude. Well, he proceeded to get really comfy and went up to 300 pounds!!!!!! I bugged him to diet for a while, to no avail. Our sex life died...I remember one time when we were doing it I noticed that his body would jiggle...ohh lordy, that was it for me. I couldn't stomach it. Sorry if that sounds mean but you can't help it if something turns you off. I still loved him but...no. Anyway, he decided on his own to join Weight Watchers and he lost 90 pounds or something. But that was all on him. I was never able to get my attraction for him back, btw. Sad as he was a great guy.
KraftDinner Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Be honest with her. Tell her she is too fat, it is physically unattractive, a sexual turn off, and is also a turn off because it reflects a lazy slothful personality and that she doesn't care enough about herself, you, or the marriage to put minimal effort into staying physically fit. Tell you that you are unhappy there has been no sex in a year and that her telling you she doesn't love you makes you think she might be having an affair (which she may well be having). Tell her you didn't sign up for any of this and if she doesn't get her act together you will look for sexual and emotional satisfaction outside of the marriage. There is nothing else you can do because your wife is being abusive to you emotionally, you are a victim. Pay close attention to this. And do the exact opposite. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I think it has significantly impact the intimacy in our relationship, we haven't had sex in over a year. dazednveryconfused, you almost have two separate issues here - attraction and frequency. As we age, many marriages struggle with issues related to attraction and self-image, both real and perceived. Add in some folks natural tendency to gain weight and it can be tough. But even with that, most couples have a working sexual component in the relationship. At one year without, you plainly do not. Why is that? Is that at your initiative? Do you and you wife discuss the complete lack of sex? What does she say and/or feel about it? We need some context beyond "she's gained weight" to give you some feedback... Mr. Lucky 1
annaballerina Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Yes. I'm very into exercise and taking care of my body but my husband does not place priority on this. There's always something more imp to do on his list. He now has health issues as a result. I'm trying desperately to get him going into some form of aerobic exercise to lose some pounds. For me I'd be just as attracted to him now as I did years ago but it's more about his well being I'm concerned. I'm in the best shape of my life and he seems to not notice me. Getting back to your situation you have to be careful how you address because it can make things worse. Speaking as a woman to get us motivated we need gentle persuasion down with loving care. Find out what she likes to do maybe dancing classes for couples? That's good exercise and can reignite passion. Maybe a sport together tennis, golf? Something you can share and she can feel good about losing weight and feeling healthier then you get to enjoy the results So me and my wife have been married for a few years, and been together much longer. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, but we love each other and have always tried to work things out. During the last year we started going to counselling, and my wife said that she hasn't loved me more than she has since we've been going to counselling. One thing that really bothers me is that she has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years, and I'm not as physically attracted to her as I used to be. I'm a very healthy person (exercise, eat healthy, etc) but she leads a different lifestyle, doesn't really exercise (unless you count 5-10 min dog walks), snacks a lot, and doesn't really eat the same foods i do. I've tried to make some suggestions on going for runs, gym together, etc but she doesn't really seem into it. I think it has significantly impact the intimacy in our relationship, we haven't had sex in over a year. I really love her but I feel we are becoming more disconnected. Has anyone been through a similar situation like this before?
Author dazednveryconfused Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 thank you everyone for your comments dazednveryconfused, you almost have two separate issues here - attraction and frequency. As we age, many marriages struggle with issues related to attraction and self-image, both real and perceived. Add in some folks natural tendency to gain weight and it can be tough. But even with that, most couples have a working sexual component in the relationship. At one year without, you plainly do not. Why is that? Is that at your initiative? Do you and you wife discuss the complete lack of sex? What does she say and/or feel about it? We need some context beyond "she's gained weight" to give you some feedback... Mr. Lucky We have discussed the issue of no sex, and we both agree that we have become more distant in our relationship, and that we both need to put an effort into doing more things together to bring us closer. but even so, i don't find her attractive, i feel that if she were to try to get closer physically, i wouldn't be that receptive...
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 We have discussed the issue of no sex, and we both agree that we have become more distant in our relationship, and that we both need to put an effort into doing more things together to bring us closer. That seems like a very passive discussion for a dire situation, kind of like sending a "hope you're feeling better" card to someone on their death bed. Why aren't the two of you more fired up and angry about this situation? Something pretty precious (and fun ) has gone missing from you're lives. "Distant" doesn't begin to describe it... Mr. Lucky 1
Author dazednveryconfused Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I am pretty fired up and angry, but I'm still not that sure how else to approach it. I've brought it up in counselling, and basically she suggested we try to do more things to bring us closer... but i'm getting to the point where i feel like i'm really missing out..
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