secretlady76 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Hi Snowflower. Nah, no one has gone 'all thing' on this post yet. I think had it been in the OW/OM or Infidelity section then I would imagine the posts would be somewhat more 'emotionally heated'. I am just concerned that if I support him (not to have an affair of course but to work through the whole feelings bit as opposed to simply saying "Get over it and focus on your wife") then some posters may feel that I am advocating his behaviour. I think the issue here is that as much as people can say to Dean13 "Just focus on your marriage, or think about your wife, or stop obsessing about the office lady", when you are in that headspace that he seems to be in, all common sense flies out the window. One is not thinking rationally. All you think about is what makes you feel good and you automatically direct yourself to whoever is making you feel like that. It's hard to refrain from getting a bit of the 'crack-pipe'. It's a weird situation because in ones mind you think "Well if it's making me feel good then why should I stop it?". It's a bit like giving up drugs; the wife is your body and the OW/OM is the drug. Someone says "Stop taking drugs, you're body will be destroyed."...and you're thinking "I know that, but it makes me feel good so I ain't stopping." And then the more you have, the more you want, the more difficult it becomes to stop. Then when you do stop and you go cold turkey it is almost impossible as by then the situation at home has become awful, so you have double issues to deal with. It's difficult to try and put into words what I am trying to say. In conclusion, in basic terms, the longer it goes on, the worse it is to stop, the worse you'll feel when it's over. So, if he can stop it now, he can save everyone a load of heartache. 2
jolie_baby Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 my two cents: having followed this thread all along; it does seem like you may have an issue that is triggering this, and it is up to the OP to look deeply into that and try to find it out. you said you had friendly thoughts for the OL one day, then the next you started seeing her differently: what triggered this change? Was it a feeling? a smell? maybe even a scene from a movie? Maybe try digging into that a bit and find out what was it... p/s I am not blaming you for anything, and surely not acknowledging your feelings... It just might be better to find out the reason now and deal with it than ignoring it now and having to deal with it again later... 1
Author Dean13 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Dean, you seem more self-aware than a lot people who find themselves in this situation. I said that very early, like back on the first page of your thread here I think. Many people would just ride the wave of these feelings you have had and continue to obsess. You're trying to stop and you're trying to understand yourself. All good. Now focus on your relationship with your wife. Hi Snowflower, I'm glad you posted again, I appreciate your point of view. I suppose in this situation it's good that I tend to over-think things and waffle back and forth before making a decision. Stopped me from doing something dumb probably.
Author Dean13 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I think the issue here is that as much as people can say to Dean13 "Just focus on your marriage, or think about your wife, or stop obsessing about the office lady", when you are in that headspace that he seems to be in, all common sense flies out the window. One is not thinking rationally. All you think about is what makes you feel good and you automatically direct yourself to whoever is making you feel like that. It's hard to refrain from getting a bit of the 'crack-pipe'. It's a weird situation because in ones mind you think "Well if it's making me feel good then why should I stop it?". It's a bit like giving up drugs; the wife is your body and the OW/OM is the drug. Someone says "Stop taking drugs, you're body will be destroyed."...and you're thinking "I know that, but it makes me feel good so I ain't stopping." And then the more you have, the more you want, the more difficult it becomes to stop. That about describes it. I actually feel a rush from talking to her, and it lasts for a little while and then I want to talk to her again. Weird. Just so you know though, my wife and I had a good weekend, I'm just responding to your post because the description sounded right on. Not saying I didn't think of her at all, but not as much, and not at all when I was with my wife. Of course, back to work tomorrow.
Author Dean13 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 you said you had friendly thoughts for the OL one day, then the next you started seeing her differently: what triggered this change? Was it a feeling? a smell? maybe even a scene from a movie? Maybe try digging into that a bit and find out what was it... After reading your post I started to think a little more about this and, it probably wasn't quite that sudden. I did notice how attractive she was at a company function in February, she usually dresses conservatively at work, but was a little more "dressed up" there. I was kind of surprised at how different she looked, and I know she caught me looking at her a couple of times. I didn't think anything of it at the time, because, well, I'm a guy, and I notice when women are attractive, and then forget about it later. After this though, it felt like the flirting picked up a bit in frequency, and I would remember her dressed that way, and it felt nice, and it seemed harmless, and we talked a little more often. The next thing you know, I'm a blithering idiot at work and at home, and saying to myself, "What just happened?". At the time it seemed sudden, but I guess not so much huh?
Author Dean13 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Well, I think I managed to pretty much get over this for the most part, of course she's been gone for a week, so who knows for sure. Things have been better with my wife also, but there are still some things lingering that are bothering me between us, probably start a new thread at some point. Thanks everyone!
secretlady76 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Well, I think I managed to pretty much get over this for the most part, of course she's been gone for a week, so who knows for sure. Things have been better with my wife also, but there are still some things lingering that are bothering me between us, probably start a new thread at some point. Thanks everyone! Yo Dean. Pleased to hear things are improving. Where has OL gone? Hopefully us LSers can help you with any outstanding issues as and when you're ready to share. 1
CarrieT Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Dean, do not hesitate to stick around here and share other issues that may come up in your marriage. Life is that ebb and flow and there are good folks here who can help you navigate the course! 1
Author Dean13 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Yo Dean. Pleased to hear things are improving. Where has OL gone? Hopefully us LSers can help you with any outstanding issues as and when you're ready to share. Thanks. She's was just out of town for a week for work, she'll be back.
Author Dean13 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Dean, do not hesitate to stick around here and share other issues that may come up in your marriage. Life is that ebb and flow and there are good folks here who can help you navigate the course! This thread actually helped me a lot, I'll definitely be sticking around.
BreakOnThrough Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 (edited) Dean, You are me to a "T", our scanarios align in quite a few different places. I went through months and months of exactly what you are going through and the only light during this entire time was telling my wife how I was feeling. The reason you are feeling guilty is because you feel like you are hiding something from her, which decreases intimacy with your wife. I can understand you don't want to hurt her and don't want to upset her, but not being honest about what you are going through will hurt her more in the long run. She deserves to know and you owe her that. You have to treat this other Woman like the plaque, she is a THREAT to your marriage. Not to throw blame on this Woman, but you have to believe that she is a threat, perhaps has picked up on some of your insecurities, and is playing on them. She knows you are married, pushing ANY kind of buttons with you is NOT approperiate. Once you gain the self-confidence and take control of the situation by believing/doing the above, then you will have a shot to overcome this. It takes work and complete honesty about how you are feeling. Edited May 29, 2013 by BreakOnThrough 1
Author Dean13 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Dean, You are me to a "T", our scanarios align in quite a few different places. I went through months and months of exactly what you are going through and the only light during this entire time was telling my wife how I was feeling. The reason you are feeling guilty is because you feel like you are hiding something from her, which decreases intimacy with your wife. I can understand you don't want to hurt her and don't want to upset her, but not being honest about what you are going through will hurt her more in the long run. She deserves to know and you owe her that. You have to treat this other Woman like the plaque, she is a THREAT to your marriage. Not to throw blame on this Woman, but you have to believe that she is a threat, perhaps has picked up on some of your insecurities, and is playing on them. She knows you are married, pushing ANY kind of buttons with you is NOT approperiate. Once you gain the self-confidence and take control of the situation by believing/doing the above, then you will have a shot to overcome this. It takes work and complete honesty about how you are feeling. Thanks for the reply. Things have actually been getting better the last couple of weeks, coincidentally or not, when I started posting here, followed by a few appointments with a counselor. I think I just needed to get some of what I was feeling out to someone who could provide me with some perspective. I do agree with trying to avoid her, although completely is impossible in my situation. The good news is most of the flirting has stopped, and that keeps things in check for me, no more obsessive behavior. As far as telling my wife, with things improving, I don't think it's the right thing. It would make things worse, and while I know what I was feeling wasn't exactly right, I'm not sure it was wrong either, if you know what I mean. We can't always control what we are feeling. I think my personality just makes me more susceptible to this type of thing and I need to be aware of that going forward to avoid it in the future. Now, if things start to backtrack and get worse again, then I may have to rethink of course, but for now, hopefully I've smartened up.
subversive Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Speaking of the future - something in your first post stuck out at me right away. You said you worked with this woman on a project and then she took you out to lunch. Agreeing to go out to lunch with her was your first mistake. Some people will probably disagree. I personally do not think women and men can be friends, and I don't think that a married man or woman has any business going on an outing with a member of the opposite sex - even just for coffee. We are all going to be attracted to people. There's a lot of them in this world. The key is to avoid these situations in the first place. Coffee or lunch may seem innocent, but they are the type of activities that a lot of people do before taking things farther. I'm glad you didn't go any farther than thoughts. Keep up the good work. I like what a previous poster said about treating this woman as a threat - I absolutely agree.
2sunny Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 It should be a regular expectation for you two to MAKE TIME together to go out and have fun! Most folks are busy- but the healthy marriages are the ones that make time together THEIR PRIORITY! Set date night every week! Do not allow anything to change plans together! And consider changing jobs if you find it difficult to keep your mind/thoughts/body away from the gal at the office. Work on not being a dick to your wife when things don't go YOUR way. Being selfish won't make the M better. 1
Author Dean13 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 It should be a regular expectation for you two to MAKE TIME together to go out and have fun! Most folks are busy- but the healthy marriages are the ones that make time together THEIR PRIORITY! Set date night every week! Do not allow anything to change plans together! And consider changing jobs if you find it difficult to keep your mind/thoughts/body away from the gal at the office. Work on not being a dick to your wife when things don't go YOUR way. Being selfish won't make the M better. Date nights have definitely been working, but changing jobs isn't possible right now. At least I'm not acting like a love sick fool around work lady anymore though, still attracted to her, but not like I was a month ago. Glad I didn't do anything too stupid at the time, I think I was closer to being an ass in a lot of different ways than I'd like to admit.
Author Dean13 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Meh, if only you knew. I would have won the award for over-analysing everything in my A. Plus being a bit of a body language expert made it even worse. But, because I know how it drove me totally insane over-thinking every little word, move etc then I am trying to keep your situation relatively black & white to help you! I am more than happy to talk about intricate details if that also helps (and give you some body language cues, just so you know what she's REALLY thinking)....but I am not sure if that will help you or make things worse!!! I am also mindful that this area (as opposed to PMs) is a public forum and therefore I can't really be seen to be encouraging you to navel gaze in any way. Of course once you get PM entitlement (after 50 posts I think) then I can give you more support/advice without those 'on their high horses' giving me grief for it!!! Hey Secretlady, got PM's now, I'm ready for my body language lesson. More knowledge has to be a good thing right?
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