Married, but feelings for another?

[Dean13]

Simple question; Can your wife trust you?

 

Point of note; What some people class as a joke, others do not. Don't take it personally. Just some here have been hurt and can be sensitive to people's comments. You can either choose to ignore it or bite. The thing about this forum is that you will get the good, bad, ugly.

 

What's that phrase?....."Don't judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes."

 

I get that, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I guess I just don't think noticing that another woman smells good is a big deal, is it? I understand in this circumstance it's a bigger deal than if it was a random woman on the street, but I was just doing what I do sometimes when I'm feeling stressed, make light of the situation.

 

Can my wife trust me? Well, I haven't ever had a PA, and I'm not sure you would actually call this an EA, and I don't want to end up in one either. The main reason I came here is because I started to have these inappropriate feelings for her, I got freaked out, and I wanted to get them under control and make them go away. I hope she does and can trust me, I'm doing the best I can.

 

Again, I wasn't trying to make light of anyone's pain, if it came off that way I'm sorry.

[secretlady76]

Nah, didn't bother me, just trying to explain why people may jump on comments! Note the irony of not being allowed to mention that someone smells good, but everyone suggests that you smell bad??!!!

[Dean13]

Nah, didn't bother me, just trying to explain why people may jump on comments! Note the irony of not being allowed to mention that someone smells good, but everyone suggests that you smell bad??!!!

 

Yes, if I said she sat next to me and smelled stinky, I might have been in the clear.

[angie2443]

Nah, didn't bother me, just trying to explain why people may jump on comments! Note the irony of not being allowed to mention that someone smells good, but everyone suggests that you smell bad??!!!

 

I don't know the OP and I made that clear. Posters wondered why his wife turned his head when he tried to kiss her, I suggested it might be a breath issue. Hey, it happens a lot, especially when people get confortable with each other. Sometimes they get forgetfull about brushing their teeth or using deoderant. OP says he smells fine, then the kissing thing is about something else.

 

As far as him noticing the OW's scent, I think it's a sign that he's more focused on her than the wife. There are many ways he could have responded. He instantly thought of the OW's attractive qualities. This is why I wondered how it would make the wife feel.

 

In the end, it makes an interesting study of relationship patterns. I'm curious to see what pattern OP follows.

[xxoo]

As far as him noticing the OW's scent, I think it's a sign that he's more focused on her than the wife.

 

I agree, and it is something to be actively avoided. Maybe noticing it can't be avoided, but commenting on it can. It is just more good thoughts about this lady, when attention shouldn't be on her.

 

How does your wife smell today?

[Dean13]

I agree, and it is something to be actively avoided. Maybe noticing it can't be avoided, but commenting on it can. It is just more good thoughts about this lady, when attention shouldn't be on her.

 

You're probably right, commenting here didn't help, but I WAS just trying to be funny.

 

As far as him noticing the OW's scent, I think it's a sign that he's more focused on her than the wife. There are many ways he could have responded. He instantly thought of the OW's attractive qualities.

 

You are also correct, but this has by an issue the entire thread, that's kind of why I started posting here. Just because I know I shouldn't be doing something, doesn't mean it's that easy to stop. I still have a stupid crush(I hate that word) on her at this point, although it is abating somewhat, so when she sat next to me, it was tough not to notice her attractive qualities. If I could just tell myself to stop being stupid and cut it out, this thread would have been one page, or I wouldn't have posted at all.

 

In the end, it makes an interesting study of relationship patterns. I'm curious to see what pattern OP follows.

 

I feel like a case study for psych interns now.

[secretlady76]

Well I guess if OP was sloppy with his personal hygiene the Office Lady wouldn't sit so close.

 

And why shouldn't he mention about her perfume? Isn't she the reason why he's posting in the first place? Or are you now saying he's not allowed to post about that either?

 

No, he probably doesn't know how his wife smells, because a) you kind of get used to your spouses smell, unless they suddenly wear a different type of perfume and b) she probably doesn't slap it on quite as much as the lady at work.

 

Anyway, back to the point in question (the original subject). What's the latest? How was your evening with your wife? And also, what's OL up to at the mo or has she/you taken a step back?

[xxoo]

No, he probably doesn't know how his wife smells, because a) you kind of get used to your spouses smell, unless they suddenly wear a different type of perfume and b) she probably doesn't slap it on quite as much as the lady at work.

 

My spouse's smell is my favorite smell in the world! I bury my nose in his neck and inhale every day.

 

I'm not talking about perfume.

 

So, Dean, have you nuzzled in your wife's neck and inhaled her essence today? Get some of those love hormone flowing in her direction!

[angie2443]

Well I guess if OP was sloppy with his personal hygiene the Office Lady wouldn't sit so close.

 

And why shouldn't he mention about her perfume? Isn't she the reason why he's posting in the first place? Or are you now saying he's not allowed to post about that either?

 

No, he probably doesn't know how his wife smells, because a) you kind of get used to your spouses smell, unless they suddenly wear a different type of perfume and b) she probably doesn't slap it on quite as much as the lady at work.

 

Anyway, back to the point in question (the original subject). What's the latest? How was your evening with your wife? And also, what's OL up to at the mo or has she/you taken a step back?

 

LOL! No one's accusing OP of stinking. NO one said he wasn't allowed to mention perfume. He can write whatever he wants here. Heck, there's another thread on here with parts that sound like it came out of an erotic magizine. There's not much that's off limits as to what one can start a thread or talk about here. Having said that, people are allowed to respond to what is posted.

 

For the record, I notice my husband's scent quite often. Marriage doesn't make everyone forget to notice their partners.

[angie2443]

I feel like a case study for psych interns now.

 

Please, don't worry about that. I doubt that many posters here are psych interns. Having said that, I've learned more here about human behavior and personality types than I did all my years in college.

[Dean13]

Anyway, back to the point in question (the original subject). What's the latest? How was your evening with your wife? And also, what's OL up to at the mo or has she/you taken a step back?

 

Unfortunately, because of some unforseen circumstances, sick kid one night, after work meeting the next, that hasn't come off yet. Going on a month, so it kind of sucks. I've been acting like a schmuck for about 3 of those weeks so it's my own fault. Did try the"push up" against the wall kiss yesterday morning and it worked great! Too bad we were both on our way to work.

 

OL has been in her office with the door closed a lot this week, so that's been good also.

 

And yes, when we were kissing, my wife smelled damn good.

[Whatitistoburn]

My spouse's smell is my favorite smell in the world! I bury my nose in his neck and inhale every day.

 

I'm not talking about perfume.

 

So, Dean, have you nuzzled in your wife's neck and inhaled her essence today? Get some of those love hormone flowing in her direction!

 

 

I just gotta say this --- I do feel the same way. My H's smell is my fave in the world and i do bury my head in his neck every day, too

 

I love his smell, both perfume and natural scent. I love it even after he spent the whole day running around and sweating.

[secretlady76]

Unfortunately, because of some unforseen circumstances, sick kid one night, after work meeting the next, that hasn't come off yet. Going on a month, so it kind of sucks. I've been acting like a schmuck for about 3 of those weeks so it's my own fault. Did try the"push up" against the wall kiss yesterday morning and it worked great! Too bad we were both on our way to work.

 

OL has been in her office with the door closed a lot this week, so that's been good also.

 

And yes, when we were kissing, my wife smelled damn good.

 

This all sounds good. Moving in the right direction. I hope you feel positive. I am sure this will all work out for you well and OL becomes just a little blip in your mind. Well done and good luck.

[Leegh]

I've read that most people are attracted to people that remind them of their parents or early caretakers. Perhaps this woman reminds you somehow of one or both of your parents. If you can pinpoint, why you are attracted to her, it could help with a solution. On another note, I would not bring up anything to your wife now, as at this point, it would just add more stress to your life.

[jezebella]

Dean, has anything major happened in your life in the last year or so? Death of a parent, big job change, moving, etc.? Sometimes those things trigger the desire for escape and lead to affairs.

 

Also, spend a few minutes in the OW/OM forum and you will see the hell on earth that is an affair. Speaking from personal experience, it's the worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. When you are in it, you are completely lost to your "real life." You think that's worth it, but you are actively neglecting everything that truly matters. The light "fog" you are in now becomes all-encompassing. And when it ends - and they almost always end badly - it's armageddon. It's pain and destruction like nothing you can imagine. "Cheaters" are loathed by society, despite how common affairs are and how weak humans are. You will be loathed. You could lose your career. Your could lose your reputation. And of course worst of all, you could lose your family. In all likelihood, this new "friend" will be dead to you. My AP and I are erased from each others' lives - no social media, no texting, no phone, no chatting, nothing. And to have had such an emotional relationship lead to that is heartache like I've never experienced.

 

My husband never found out, but my AP's wife did, and his marriage may not be salvageable. At best, they'll stay together with her always harboring some level of hate and a huge degree of distrust. He can't have any privacy in any area of his life any longer and he has zero freedom. He cannot even go for drinks with guys, he cannot go to conferences for work, he cannot go out with coworkers without her, etc. He is on lockdown, and probably will be for life, unless she tires and decides to get rid of him.

 

The price you pay for an EA/PA is not worth it. Not even for a second. My advice to you is to RETREAT as fast as you can. Change jobs if you can. Get as far from this situation as possible.

 

Concurrently, you need to look at your marriage and maybe go to marriage counseling. You also need to assess if something in you is seeking external validation, and why. I know I have a huge hole that was desperate to be filled; I wanted to escape. I did, and I thought it was heaven; but it was quite the opposite. I will never heal from it. Please hear me and trust me on this.

[secretlady76]

Dean, has anything major happened in your life in the last year or so? Death of a parent, big job change, moving, etc.? Sometimes those things trigger the desire for escape and lead to affairs.

 

Also, spend a few minutes in the OW/OM forum and you will see the hell on earth that is an affair. Speaking from personal experience, it's the worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. When you are in it, you are completely lost to your "real life." You think that's worth it, but you are actively neglecting everything that truly matters. The light "fog" you are in now becomes all-encompassing. And when it ends - and they almost always end badly - it's armageddon. It's pain and destruction like nothing you can imagine. "Cheaters" are loathed by society, despite how common affairs are and how weak humans are. You will be loathed. You could lose your career. Your could lose your reputation. And of course worst of all, you could lose your family. In all likelihood, this new "friend" will be dead to you. My AP and I are erased from each others' lives - no social media, no texting, no phone, no chatting, nothing. And to have had such an emotional relationship lead to that is heartache like I've never experienced.

 

My husband never found out, but my AP's wife did, and his marriage may not be salvageable. At best, they'll stay together with her always harboring some level of hate and a huge degree of distrust. He can't have any privacy in any area of his life any longer and he has zero freedom. He cannot even go for drinks with guys, he cannot go to conferences for work, he cannot go out with coworkers without her, etc. He is on lockdown, and probably will be for life, unless she tires and decides to get rid of him.

 

The price you pay for an EA/PA is not worth it. Not even for a second. My advice to you is to RETREAT as fast as you can. Change jobs if you can. Get as far from this situation as possible.

 

Concurrently, you need to look at your marriage and maybe go to marriage counseling. You also need to assess if something in you is seeking external validation, and why. I know I have a huge hole that was desperate to be filled; I wanted to escape. I did, and I thought it was heaven; but it was quite the opposite. I will never heal from it. Please hear me and trust me on this.

 

I couldn't have written this better myself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?! Had someone read out to me the above post whilst I was in the midst of the A, I would have put my fingers in my ears and shouted 'La La La, not listening, you don't know anything. You don't understand, what we have is different." WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS! You are correct; the heaven you feel is no compensation to the total hell of satan you feel once D-Day hits (Ok, your husband wasn't told but you have the added hell of keeping it to yourself. Mine was told, so double hell there)....and the hell goes on and on and on and on...what do they say "An Affair; the gift that keeps on giving". Mmmm, not wrong there.

 

Anyway, will stop thread-jacking

[Dean13]

Jezebella, a couple of things in your post struck me.

 

Dean, has anything major happened in your life in the last year or so? Death of a parent, big job change, moving, etc.? Sometimes those things trigger the desire for escape and lead to affairs.

 

My mom passed away about 8 months ago, and it was very hard on me for a while. I believed I was handling it pretty well though, not sure I’m trying to escape from that.

 

Concurrently, you need to look at your marriage and maybe go to marriage counseling. You also need to assess if something in you is seeking external validation, and why. I know I have a huge hole that was desperate to be filled; I wanted to escape. I did, and I thought it was heaven; but it was quite the opposite. I will never heal from it. Please hear me and trust me on this.

 

This was kind of the original reason for the thread. Deep down I really don’t think I would ever allow myself to go through with anything with this other person, but why did I develop such strong feelings and why do I have such a hard time putting thoughts of her out of my head(although that part is getting better)?

 

There must be something missing from my life and/or marriage to cause this right? If it was just a physical attraction that would be one thing, but it’s more emotional for me. That is the part that is bugging me more than anything else right now.

 

Maybe I think too much. I’ll read this in a year and think, “What the hell was wrong with me last year?” That's what I'm hoping anyway.

[jezebella]

My parents both died, and a few months later I found myself embroiled in an affair. I also thought I was handling it well, but I now wonder if subconsciously it was a trigger. See this paragraph from this article that a poster named Pierre put in another thread http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity:

 

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

 

I really hit me.

 

I would suggest cognitive therapy; not talk therapy. Talk therapy neither prevented my affair, got me out of it, or helped me heal afterwards. I am just starting cognitive therapy and it feels more transformative so far.

[secretlady76]

Jezebella, a couple of things in your post struck me.

 

 

 

My mom passed away about 8 months ago, and it was very hard on me for a while. I believed I was handling it pretty well though, not sure I’m trying to escape from that.

 

 

 

This was kind of the original reason for the thread. Deep down I really don’t think I would ever allow myself to go through with anything with this other person, but why did I develop such strong feelings and why do I have such a hard time putting thoughts of her out of my head(although that part is getting better)?

 

There must be something missing from my life and/or marriage to cause this right? If it was just a physical attraction that would be one thing, but it’s more emotional for me. That is the part that is bugging me more than anything else right now.

 

Maybe I think too much. I’ll read this in a year and think, “What the hell was wrong with me last year?” That's what I'm hoping anyway.

 

It really isn't that complicated when you think about it. You've met someone who you find attractive but most of all you have a connection with. It happens. Just because you're married, doesn't mean you don't meet people occasionally that you have a rapport and a connection with. Ok, you say you have been round attractive ladies before and not had this happen....well that's because you didn't have that mental connection with them. It's not something you can create, it just happens. And there really isn't much you can do about it.

 

What you do have control over though is what you do with those feelings going forward. Now you know full well, that the best thing to do is not do anything with them and you seem to be progressing ok with going down that route. Really you're at a good point here because you haven't actually done anything with her that would be deemed as inappropriate. Trust me, when I say that once you cross the line it is WAY more difficult to walk away from AND impossible to go back to 'just being friends'.

 

Sooooo, you've taken a step back from OL and you're putting investment into wifey AND you're going to therapy. All good......so.....

 

....why do you sound as though you're still questionning the whole thing?!

[Dean13]

Sooooo, you've taken a step back from OL and you're putting investment into wifey AND you're going to therapy. All good......so.....

 

....why do you sound as though you're still questionning the whole thing?!

 

Probably because I was feeling so good yesterday, like almost everything was back to normal, and some stuff started happening at work, and there weren't many people in the office......and I MAY HAVE STOPPED(DID STOP) in to talk to her for 20 minutes on the way by her office. That would probably have something to do with it.

[secretlady76]

Probably because I was feeling so good yesterday, like almost everything was back to normal, and some stuff started happening at work, and there weren't many people in the office......and I MAY HAVE STOPPED(DID STOP) in to talk to her for 20 minutes on the way by her office. That would probably have something to do with it.

 

Aha! Thought something was going on......but great, you're being honest, this means we can try and help.

 

So, tell us....what was talked about and also how did you feel during and after and now?

[Dean13]

It was actually just mainly about work stuff, there’s a lot going on here right now, so there was plenty to talk about. There wasn’t much else too it. No flirting, touching, giggling, nothing. If all our conversations went like this for the past 2 months, I probably wouldn’t have got so hung up on her. If it stays that way, then I will most likely have no problem getting over this, and probably even remaining friends with this woman, since I didn’t do anything stupid.

 

To answer your other questions, during, felt great(of course), after, felt dumb and angry with myself for going to see her, today, feel ok, but am trying not to push my luck, and am staying away from her anyway, despite the harmless nature of the conversation yesterday.

 

The main problem, as I said above, is that it makes me feel horrible, that during those 2 months, and even a little bit now still, I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with my marriage (or maybe just me), that would allow me to develop feelings so quickly for another person.

 

Secretlady, I think based on many of your posts, you probably think that I’m analyzing this too much, but it’s not something that has happened since I've been married, it threw me, and it’s in my nature to look for reasons and explanations as to why things are happening, instead of just reacting or letting things roll off my back. Combine all this with my personality in general, and you get full blown mid-life crisis mode.

 

Going to work on connecting and having fun with my wife this weekend, no work, kids aren't sick, so no excuses. We are going out tomorrow night, just the two of us, so I'm hoping all goes well and this woman stays out of my brain, for a few day at least.

[secretlady76]

It was actually just mainly about work stuff, there’s a lot going on here right now, so there was plenty to talk about. There wasn’t much else too it. No flirting, touching, giggling, nothing. If all our conversations went like this for the past 2 months, I probably wouldn’t have got so hung up on her. If it stays that way, then I will most likely have no problem getting over this, and probably even remaining friends with this woman, since I didn’t do anything stupid.

 

To answer your other questions, during, felt great(of course), after, felt dumb and angry with myself for going to see her, today, feel ok, but am trying not to push my luck, and am staying away from her anyway, despite the harmless nature of the conversation yesterday.

 

The main problem, as I said above, is that it makes me feel horrible, that during those 2 months, and even a little bit now still, I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with my marriage (or maybe just me), that would allow me to develop feelings so quickly for another person.

 

Secretlady, I think based on many of your posts, you probably think that I’m analyzing this too much, but it’s not something that has happened since I've been married, it threw me, and it’s in my nature to look for reasons and explanations as to why things are happening, instead of just reacting or letting things roll off my back. Combine all this with my personality in general, and you get full blown mid-life crisis mode.

 

Going to work on connecting and having fun with my wife this weekend, no work, kids aren't sick, so no excuses. We are going out tomorrow night, just the two of us, so I'm hoping all goes well and this woman stays out of my brain, for a few day at least.

 

Meh, if only you knew. I would have won the award for over-analysing everything in my A. Plus being a bit of a body language expert made it even worse. But, because I know how it drove me totally insane over-thinking every little word, move etc then I am trying to keep your situation relatively black & white to help you! I am more than happy to talk about intricate details if that also helps (and give you some body language cues, just so you know what she's REALLY thinking)....but I am not sure if that will help you or make things worse!!!

 

I am also mindful that this area (as opposed to PMs) is a public forum and therefore I can't really be seen to be encouraging you to navel gaze in any way. Of course once you get PM entitlement (after 50 posts I think) then I can give you more support/advice without those 'on their high horses' giving me grief for it!!!

 

I think my only concern is that you have talked to her again just before a weekend and I hope you don't think about the conversations too much whilst you're trying to spend quality time at home. I remember what my weekends were like and they were terrible!

[xxoo]

I don't think developing feelings means that there is necessarily anything wrong with your marriage, or you. I think it is unrealistic to expect to never develop feelings for people we work with, achieve with, and grow with. That's exactly the kind of situation that encourages attachment.

 

It is good to recognize when it is happening earlier in the process, and take it as a reminder to inject those same bonding opportunities into your relationship at home. If anything, it seems like you were just a bit naive and it snuck up on you before you realized what was happening. If it happens again, you'll be wiser.

[Snowflower]

It was actually just mainly about work stuff, there’s a lot going on here right now, so there was plenty to talk about. There wasn’t much else too it. No flirting, touching, giggling, nothing. If all our conversations went like this for the past 2 months, I probably wouldn’t have got so hung up on her. If it stays that way, then I will most likely have no problem getting over this, and probably even remaining friends with this woman, since I didn’t do anything stupid.

 

To answer your other questions, during, felt great(of course), after, felt dumb and angry with myself for going to see her, today, feel ok, but am trying not to push my luck, and am staying away from her anyway, despite the harmless nature of the conversation yesterday.

 

Haven't read anything lately except this last page here. Oh Dean, you had to go take a little hit off the crack pipe, didn't you?

 

I honestly believe you when you say the conversation was completely appropriate and work-related. But with the way you have been obsessing over her, any contact is going to feed that obsession you have. Don't you get that?

 

Even though your conversation was "benign" in topic, the underlying reactions you were having (even if you were keeping them hidden) are malignant.

The main problem, as I said above, is that it makes me feel horrible, that during those 2 months, and even a little bit now still, I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with my marriage (or maybe just me), that would allow me to develop feelings so quickly for another person.

 

Secretlady, I think based on many of your posts, you probably think that I’m analyzing this too much, but it’s not something that has happened since I've been married, it threw me, and it’s in my nature to look for reasons and explanations as to why things are happening, instead of just reacting or letting things roll off my back. Combine all this with my personality in general, and you get full blown mid-life crisis mode.

 

It is okay to be confused. And I understand the mid-life crisis thing. I think I'm pretty close in age to you. Of course, I went (am dealing with) my H's crisis as well.

 

Again, it is not your marriage. Please stop thinking that way. You are reevaluating where you are in your life and what you want the 2nd half of your life to look like. There is nothing wrong with that and I think it is healthy. Just don't go throw away all you have worked for in this confusion, i.e., your job/career, marriage and family.

Going to work on connecting and having fun with my wife this weekend, no work, kids aren't sick, so no excuses. We are going out tomorrow night, just the two of us, so I'm hoping all goes well and this woman stays out of my brain, for a few day at least.

 

All good! Like Secretlady says though, I'm concerned your recent conversation will stick in your head all weekend.

 

Go do something fun with your wife! It is spring and a chance for most of us to be outside.

 

 

I am also mindful that this area (as opposed to PMs) is a public forum and therefore I can't really be seen to be encouraging you to navel gaze in any way. Of course once you get PM entitlement (after 50 posts I think) then I can give you more support/advice without those 'on their high horses' giving me grief for it!!!

 

Oh, I hope you won't take the conversation to PM. Like I said, I haven't read on here lately other than this page. So I'm sorry if some posters are getting high-handed. It's probably good this thread isn't in Infidelity though.

 

I really think you are helping Dean and maybe other people who are in the same situation who are just reading along.

 

And you are spot on with what is going on inside the head of someone who might be about to step out of their marriage. What you post isn't painful to me, just insightful.

 

I have things I would like tell Dean too but they are too personal for a public forum.

I think my only concern is that you have talked to her again just before a weekend and I hope you don't think about the conversations too much whilst you're trying to spend quality time at home. I remember what my weekends were like and they were terrible!

 

Yes!!

 

I don't think developing feelings means that there is necessarily anything wrong with your marriage, or you. I think it is unrealistic to expect to never develop feelings for people we work with, achieve with, and grow with. That's exactly the kind of situation that encourages attachment.

 

It is good to recognize when it is happening earlier in the process, and take it as a reminder to inject those same bonding opportunities into your relationship at home. If anything, it seems like you were just a bit naive and it snuck up on you before you realized what was happening. If it happens again, you'll be wiser.

 

I agree.

 

Dean, you seem more self-aware than a lot people who find themselves in this situation. I said that very early, like back on the first page of your thread here I think.

 

Many people would just ride the wave of these feelings you have had and continue to obsess. You're trying to stop and you're trying to understand yourself. All good. Now focus on your relationship with your wife.