kamani Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I admit the frequency of sex is good and your wife likes it. Also, and this may seem minor but, I love to kiss, and she isn't really that into it anymore, especially during sex, sometimes even turning her head away when I try. I've asked her about it and she claims that I'm imagining it, but I don't think so. I feel this should be discussed. It seems she doesn't like being kissed by you. Everyone has different personalty, however I would do this if I feel my husband is doing it with someone else or if I am doing it with someone else. This is just my opinion.
Author Dean13 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks for the responses, I will definitely try to take some of the advice given, I know it will be helpful. The problem now is me trying to snap out of my funk. This weekend kind of sucked, as I let myself wallow, and was kind of absent. I'm not really in the right frame of mind for doing some of the stuff you're talking about. It depresses me to think that I can't just be friends with this person at work, when I was or so long, and didn't think anything of it. Anyway, back to work this morning, "gulp". Hopefully, like xxoo said, I can "man up" and stop being the emotional equivalent of a teenage girl.
secretlady76 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Keep us posted on her behaviour at work today (if she's there) but don't encourage her. Also fingers crossed about the couselling. Stay strong and up that manning up!!!! 1
xxoo Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Try associating some decidedly unromantic thoughts with this woman. Put a cord around your wrist to represent each of your children. When you start getting dreamy about this woman, think of sitting them down and explaining divorce. In time, the crush will pass if you starve it.
Author Dean13 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Well, I had my first counseling session and I have to say it helped a great deal. I wouldn't say I'm "over it" or anything, but I feel a lot better. Some of you will be happy to know that she suggested many of the same things that you guys did. However, for me anyway, there was a big difference in hearing someone say it out loud to my face, than reading it in a forum, no offense intended. Reading some advice here, my response to some of it was, that SOUNDS great, but how am I supposed to do that? It seemed nearly impossible, to me anyway. For instance: "Why would I want to limit contact with this person? Talking to her makes me happy and I like being happy." But actually talking about it with someone seemed to be so much more impactful, making it seem like it was more than possible for me to do what I needed to. Oh well, I hope it continues in this direction, and I don't start to get seriously caught up again later this week. If it does, I guess I'll have more to talk about with her next week.
secretlady76 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Sounds like your first session was good. Just remember words and actions are two seperate things: what the counsellor says to do is easier than you executing what you have to do. What I mean is in a room with a stranger telling you what to do and then actually being in the work environment with OW and carrying out what is necessary is hard. I hope you have the strength to do this. I have no doubt that you do. You have support here as you know. Keep talking here. This place is a life-line.
Author Dean13 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 OK, I'd like to rescind part of my previous post. Talking with someone was great, and I still feel a lot better. However, today we had a staff meeting, "office lady" is rarely there for this, but showed up about 10 minutes late, and who does she sit next to? Me, of course. In the spirit of therapy, let's just say, that was not what I needed at this particular time in my journey(albeit only my one day journey so far). I have since sent my wife some flirty texts and we have made plans for some "alone time" tonight after the kids go to bed. So....that's good, but damn, that meeting was difficult.
CarrieT Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Keep up the good work, Dean. This is not going to be an easy process and the occasional wrench in the works will only help validate that the ends will justify the means. I hope it will also make you appreciate your wife that much more.
xxoo Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I have since sent my wife some flirty texts and we have made plans for some "alone time" tonight after the kids go to bed. Good job. Keep your eye on the prize: a passionate marriage at home
secretlady76 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 OK, I'd like to rescind part of my previous post. Talking with someone was great, and I still feel a lot better. However, today we had a staff meeting, "office lady" is rarely there for this, but showed up about 10 minutes late, and who does she sit next to? Me, of course. In the spirit of therapy, let's just say, that was not what I needed at this particular time in my journey(albeit only my one day journey so far). I have since sent my wife some flirty texts and we have made plans for some "alone time" tonight after the kids go to bed. So....that's good, but damn, that meeting was difficult. The office situation IS going to be tough. However, if you don't encourage her or engage in her encouraging you then she will probably give up (that is IF she is actually trying to get your attention as opposed to just being friendly). Well done for giving your wife a bit of 'feel good'. I hope you have a good evening that you both benefit from. You never know, she might even let you kiss her!
Author Dean13 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 You know what sucks though, it was kind of great just being her friend and having someone to talk to and share work stuff with. I don't connect and make friends that easily, and I went and screwed it up.
GorillaTheater Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 You know what sucks though, it was kind of great just being her friend and having someone to talk to and share work stuff with. I don't connect and make friends that easily, and I went and screwed it up. Maybe, but you (hopefully) learned a lot about yourself in the process: where you're weak, where you need to install stronger boundaries, what you value, etc. The process sucks, but it won't be wasted effort.
secretlady76 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 You know what sucks though, it was kind of great just being her friend and having someone to talk to and share work stuff with. I don't connect and make friends that easily, and I went and screwed it up. Er, you are meant to be focusing on the 'pash-up' evening with your wife, not the screw-up with the OL (as I'll now call her). You haven't actually screwed anything up (yet). I mean it's not like you've told her how you feel, or been spending loads of time with her or anything. You know, you can salvage a friendship from this IF you think you can kill the feelings/get rid of the crush? Many know how you feel. The lost friendship is worse than anything else TBH.
Author Dean13 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 The office situation IS going to be tough. However, if you don't encourage her or engage in her encouraging you then she will probably give up (that is IF she is actually trying to get your attention as opposed to just being friendly). Well, if I'm imagining or misreading things, and am reacting this strongly, I probably have some deeper issues. Good thing I'm going to a counselor!
secretlady76 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Well, if I'm imagining or misreading things, and am reacting this strongly, I probably have some deeper issues. Good thing I'm going to a counselor! True. Did she do anything today? (apart from sitting next to you )
Author Dean13 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 No, not today. Unless smelling good counts as actively doing something.
xxoo Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 I promise you that these crushes can and do fade. I've had a number of crushes over the course of my marriage. It's just how I am; I fall for men who act a certain way toward me! But I keep it in perspective, and my biggest thrill is always my husband. HE is the only one who is there for me, through thick and thin. HE is the one who has dedicated his life to me. HE is the one who has done innumerable things to demonstrate his love and loyalty. HE is my children's father. HE is my life. And those other crushes fade. That coworker I got tingles around back in such-and-such year? I can see him now and feel nothing but friendship. Starved, it just fades. It takes time, and renewed investment at home. 1
affairaddict Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Something is off here. Your wife does not instigate sex and she turns her head when you kiss her. Are you sure she's not cheating?? Where's the emotional closeness.
angie2443 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Something is off here. Your wife does not instigate sex and she turns her head when you kiss her. Are you sure she's not cheating?? Where's the emotional closeness. I don't know Dean13 so this isn't a direct comment about him. It may be that his breath smells or he has an unpleasant body odor and his wife is afraid to tell him. I know this guy at work. He takes showers and wears clean clothes, but he has odor issues. People don't want to say anything. They want to avoid an unconfortable situation, but they do keep a bit of a distance from him. This may be the reason for the kissing situation. Also, though, his wife may have sensed a distancing from him, and may be now doing the same in order to not get hurt.
angie2443 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 No, not today. Unless smelling good counts as actively doing something. Could you imagine how your wife would feel if she knew what was going through your mind? Could you imagine how she would feel that you felt the need to tell a bunch of strangers about your friend smelling good? I imagine it would make her feel like crap. Just my 2 cents.
Author Dean13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 LOL Ok, one at a time. My wife would have no problem telling me if I had BO or bad breadth, I think I'm self-aware enough that I'd pick up on that also. I trust my wife, she is not cheating. I'm sure there are plenty of things in this thread that would upset her. That's why this is an anonymous forum, where people can go to talk about things that maybe they can't discuss with their loved ones. Lighten up, I was just making light of the situation when I said she smelled good. I'm not dead, I will notice if another woman smells good, just like I notice when my wife smells good. She was sitting right next to me, it's not like I stuck my face in her neck.
secretlady76 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 LOL Ok, one at a time. My wife would have no problem telling me if I had BO or bad breadth, I think I'm self-aware enough that I'd pick up on that also. I trust my wife, she is not cheating. I'm sure there are plenty of things in this thread that would upset her. That's why this is an anonymous forum, where people can go to talk about things that maybe they can't discuss with their loved ones. Lighten up, I was just making light of the situation when I said she smelled good. I'm not dead, I will notice if another woman smells good, just like I notice when my wife smells good. She was sitting right next to me, it's not like I stuck my face in her neck. I'll PM you. Got a couple of things to say about this.
secretlady76 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Oh. No I won't, you don't have that facility from what I see. Anyway, will try and respond in a bit.
secretlady76 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 LOL Ok, one at a time. My wife would have no problem telling me if I had BO or bad breadth, I think I'm self-aware enough that I'd pick up on that also. I trust my wife, she is not cheating. I'm sure there are plenty of things in this thread that would upset her. That's why this is an anonymous forum, where people can go to talk about things that maybe they can't discuss with their loved ones. Lighten up, I was just making light of the situation when I said she smelled good. I'm not dead, I will notice if another woman smells good, just like I notice when my wife smells good. She was sitting right next to me, it's not like I stuck my face in her neck. Simple question; Can your wife trust you? Point of note; What some people class as a joke, others do not. Don't take it personally. Just some here have been hurt and can be sensitive to people's comments. You can either choose to ignore it or bite. The thing about this forum is that you will get the good, bad, ugly. What's that phrase?....."Don't judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes."
waterwoman Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Many of your other gripes are gripes we all have, so they're are, in a way, part of life. But the kissing and the communications flag it up for me..... Agreed. But it's not your wife's 'fault' so having an affair would be massively unfair. These problems are caused by 2 people - 2 people need to fix them. 1
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