Married, but feelings for another?

[secretlady76]

Look I totally understand what you're going through here having been through it myself. I was simply seeing if there was more to it than what you had originally posted, and I was correct.

 

"Technically I am not having an affair". Well, physically you're not, but mentally you're hading towards one. Believe me. When you say that you 'were not really present' when you went out for dinner, that is the start of the 'affair fog' as they call it. It's a mental state your brain puts you into where you're there in body but your mind is totally absorbed in something else:

 

What is an affair fog? | Infidelity Info

 

You are heading towards an Emotional affair (an EA)......this can then result in a physical affair, but not always. Look at this link:

 

Dr. Shirley Glass - Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?

 

Be aware that your wife is now noticing that there is something up. It won't take her long to work out that it could be to do with another person as you will be showing the typical signs. Even if you try and act 'normal' it doesn't work.

 

Do you find weekends worse by any chance (because you don't get to go to work to get your fix?)...or are weekends better because you can take your mind of it? Sorry for all this questions, I am trying to help you on a subject I know a lot about.

[xxoo]

How can you be sure it isn't something missing in our marriage that is causing me to feel this way? Not saying it isn't just an issue with me, I actually hope it is and you are right, you just seem so sure and I'm not. I am going to see a counselor on Monday, and I fear once I get going, something about our marriage is just going to unravel before my eyes in that room. I really hope not, but I am conflicted, confused and frightened about all this. I've never been to any type of therapy and I don't know what to expect.

 

If there is something missing in your marriage, it could easily be because you've neglected it. Cruised along, instead of nurtured.

 

In the past few years, how exciting have you been as a husband? How passionate? How much energy have you put into making your wife feel loved and appreciated? It's a two-way street. In many ways, we get out of marriage what we put into it.

 

Attitude can follow behavior. Have you heard of "fake it til you make it"? If you make a conscious effort to treat your wife like a girlfriend and a lover, over time you may find that you feel like she is a girlfriend and a lover.

 

When I read about couples who've reconciled after infidelity, the one thing that stands out is that they NEVER take their relationship for granted again. They actively court each other, make each other feel desired and loved. No cruising along, ever again.

 

I've been married about 20 years, with kids, and we always make each other a priority. Even if there is not time or money for dates and gifts, there is always time every day for a soft touch, a loving look, and a sincere word of appreciation.

[Dean13]

Do you find weekends worse by any chance (because you don't get to go to work to get your fix?)...or are weekends better because you can take your mind of it? Sorry for all this questions, I am trying to help you on a subject I know a lot about.

 

Any help is appreciated, I don't care how many questions are involved. For most of the time this has been going on, the weekends have been better, but the last 2 weekends have not been good. I believe last weekend would be when the "fog" started, and has seemed to get worse. I have barely been able to get any work done all week, I am becoming more and more irritable, controlled because I am conscious of it, though it is difficult. This weekend we have a huge cleanup project at our house, we had a 30 yard dumpster delivered, and the thought of it makes me want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep for the rest of the weekend.

 

Thanks for the links also, I don't have time for them right now, but I'll read them later.

[Snowflower]

Any help is appreciated, I don't care how many questions are involved. For most of the time this has been going on, the weekends have been better, but the last 2 weekends have not been good. I believe last weekend would be when the "fog" started, and has seemed to get worse. I have barely been able to get any work done all week, I am becoming more and more irritable, controlled because I am conscious of it, though it is difficult. This weekend we have a huge cleanup project at our house, we had a 30 yard dumpster delivered, and the thought of it makes me want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep for the rest of the weekend.

 

Thanks for the links also, I don't have time for them right now, but I'll read them later.

 

Why does the yard project make you want to go to sleep? I mean, yeah, yard projects aren't fun! I totally get that. This comment was interesting to me, was all.

 

Before all this came about with the office friend and your dissatisfaction with everything, would you have done this yard project without complaint? Sure, it wouldn't have been your favorite way to spend the weekend, but you would have gotten it done without any resistance from yourself?

 

Thanks for your kind comments above. So, you read a few of my old posts and yes, this is hard for me but I want to try to help.

 

Do you want your wife to feel as I did? Secretlady, I think, has also been directly involved in an affair. (SL, my apologies to you if I am incorrect )You are getting some different perspectives here from people who have lived it. I hope they are helpful.

[secretlady76]

Why does the yard project make you want to go to sleep? I mean, yeah, yard projects aren't fun! I totally get that. This comment was interesting to me, was all.

 

Before all this came about with the office friend and your dissatisfaction with everything, would you have done this yard project without complaint? Sure, it wouldn't have been your favorite way to spend the weekend, but you would have gotten it done without any resistance from yourself?

 

Thanks for your kind comments above. So, you read a few of my old posts and yes, this is hard for me but I want to try to help.

 

Do you want your wife to feel as I did? Secretlady, I think, has also been directly involved in an affair. (SL, my apologies to you if I am incorrect )You are getting some different perspectives here from people who have lived it. I hope they are helpful.

 

Sunflower is correct. I can help you from your perspective and Sunflower can give you the perspective of your wife. Please pay attention to what SF is telling you, because your wife and her thoughts will be the last thing on your mind if this continues (as was my H's when I was involved in the A). Then after a while your spouse will become the 'enemy'.....the person who is preventing you spending time with the OP. All this stuff to do around the house is preventing you from spending time alone with your thoughts (which is what you'd rather be doing). (SF, I don't mean any harm by what I am telling him. I am trying to help him understand the crazy thought process here. Not bashing the W at all. She is in the dark here; which is hell in itself as I know from being a BS once, but that's a whole different story!!!!).

 

Carry on......

[Dean13]

I probably just didn't express myself well there. I just don't have any motivation right now. Yes, I would have done the project without complaint 2 months ago. I am feeling depressed and anxious, these last 2 weeks especially have pretty much immobilized me and caused me to withdraw from life in general.

 

I'm actually starting to wonder if telling this woman about my feelings might be the way to go. I think it would probably cause her to freak out and withdraw, which would be a good thing. If I wasn't afraid of getting fired, I probably would.

 

By feelings I mean, "I'm starting to have feelings for you as more than a friend and I'm not sure how to deal with it", NOT "I love you let's leave our families and run away together."

 

A couple of you already said saying anything is a bad idea, and you're probably right, I'm just trying to come up with a way to resolve things ASAP and get things back to normal, because I hate how I feel right now.

[secretlady76]

Nooooooo!!!! The worst thing you can do is say something. It will land you in s*** either way. If she freaks then you are going to look like an idiot and work will be a nightmare. If she IS interested in you and you tell her you have feelings, then BAM, it will kick off.

 

The best thing you can do here is go No Contact. Don't speak to her apart from professionally. Don't seek her out. Don't stare at her, don't look at her. Try and avoid her where possible. Don't find yourself alone with her. Eventually your feelings should subside a bit.

 

I know that is probably not what you WANT to do.....but it is what you SHOULD do. Yes, I know SHOULD is way more dull than WANT, but the WANT option is your ticket to dance with the devil (as I call it). I feel for you. I know how this all feels. It's crazy intense and almost impossible to walk away from.......addictive to the max.

[CarrieT]

By feelings I mean, "I'm starting to have feelings for you as more than a friend and I'm not sure how to deal with it", NOT "I love you let's leave our families and run away together."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

 

A couple of you already said saying anything is a bad idea, and you're probably right, I'm just trying to come up with a way to resolve things ASAP and get things back to normal, because I hate how I feel right now.

Do you seriously think if you bare your soul that things will "get back to normal?" It will change the dynamic and spiral your situation further into the black hole towards an affair...

 

To get back "to normal," you have to walk-the-walk and talk-the-talk of putting things back to normal. The longer you PRETEND that there is nothing go on and that you don't have the feelings, the sooner things really WILL go back to normal and the feelings will diminish.

 

If you feed the monster, the monster will get bigger. Don't feed the monster and the monster will eventually go away. It takes time and doesn't happen over night, but just keep going the way you are. Don't obsess about it and spend more time with your wife and creating those situations with her that generate happy endorphins. THAT is what you need to be doing.

 

Replace the bad feelings with good ones, even if right now they feel fake. The longer you create fake happy feelings, the sooner those happy feelings will be genuine.

[xxoo]

Do not confide in this woman. You are supposed to confide your feelings in your wife, NOT a woman you have a crush on.

 

Also, depending on her (the coworker) to enforce boundaries for you is a foolish move. Man up and make choices that direct the course of your life in the direction you want it to go.

[CarrieT]

Do not confide in this woman. You are supposed to confide your feelings in your wife, NOT a woman you have a crush on.

^^^^ GREAT POINT ^^^^

 

 

OP, do you want to diffuse the situation?

 

TELL YOUR WIFE! The sooner you get it out in the open and are able to talk about it, the faster the feelings will diminish.

[Dean13]

My wife is crazy insecure. She has asked me before if there was someone else just when we had some arguments, there never was though. I fear telling her right now would be a mistake.

[CarrieT]

My wife is crazy insecure. She has asked me before if there was someone else just when we had some arguments

 

There are a number of things in this statement which indicate you two could probably do with some serious marriage counseling:

 

1. Crazy insecure - why? What would she have to be insecure about? Sometimes that is deflecting that she is having an affair and is worried you will find out about HER affair.
   
2. She asked if there was someone else - Same as above. Is it because she is shielding her own affair?
   
3. Arguments - What are you two arguing about?
   

Again - I think you have a whole of lot of other issues going on. A perfectly happy marriage is usually one where the existence of another wouldn't allow for feelings to be developed.

[Snowflower]

Sunflower is correct. I can help you from your perspective and Sunflower can give you the perspective of your wife. Please pay attention to what SF is telling you, because your wife and her thoughts will be the last thing on your mind if this continues (as was my H's when I was involved in the A). Then after a while your spouse will become the 'enemy'.....the person who is preventing you spending time with the OP. All this stuff to do around the house is preventing you from spending time alone with your thoughts (which is what you'd rather be doing). (SF, I don't mean any harm by what I am telling him. I am trying to help him understand the crazy thought process here. Not bashing the W at all. She is in the dark here; which is hell in itself as I know from being a BS once, but that's a whole different story!!!!).

 

Carry on......

 

No harm at all! I'm fine. You are exactly correct.

 

Dean, I hope you will take what SL is saying to heart because you don't seem to want to listen to me. That's fine. I'm just an anonymous poster on the internet.

[Dean13]

She's always been a little insecure, maybe because her weight fluctuates and she used to be overweight.

 

No way she's cheating, we use each others phone and share the same computer. She hardly ever goes out without us either.

 

I didn't mean we argue that much, when we do though, she will sometimes ask if there is someone else. She doesn't respond well to conflict.

[xxoo]

You don't have to tell your wife about your feelings for the coworker (although I could make an argument that you should, because it would force the marriage issues into the open so that you could build a strong marriage from the ground up).

 

Just don't tell the coworker. If you MUST confide to one of them, your wife is your confidante. Making the coworker your confidante is a serious step in the direction of an affair. And it is deliberate, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. The road to an affair is paved with denial.

[Snowflower]

My wife is crazy insecure. She has asked me before if there was someone else just when we had some arguments, there never was though. I fear telling her right now would be a mistake.

 

I think I will try to help one more time then bow out. Your attitude toward your wife and marriage has changed since the beginning of this thread, which was just a few days ago. I wonder what has happened IRL?

 

Of course your wife is going to be insecure. And obviously she is going to have good reason now. She feels something is wrong, she can just feel it. She doesn't know what it is but she can feel it.

 

Don't you dare call her insecure! Her instincts are screaming at her that something is wrong.

 

My H and I had some horrible fights in the months/weeks that led up to his affair. I could sense his withdrawal and "weirdness" (for lack of a better term) but at that time didn't understand it. It wasn't like he was telling me what he was really obsessing about.

 

I could just feel something was "off" with him and it p!ssed me off because I could never get a straight answer from him. He was just different. How would you feel if your wife just changed and could not/would not explain why?

 

Yep, with my healthy self-esteem intact, I would get angry with him for withdrawing and not being there emotionally.

 

Little did I know...

 

I have more I can share but I have a feeling you're tuning me out because I am annoying just like your wife.

[Dean13]

Sunflower,

 

Don't bow out, you are misunderstanding me. She had always been a little insecure throughout our marriage, it's not something that just started now. She has not asked recently and, other than last night, we haven't had a fight in weeks.

 

I am listening to every word you say, as well as everyone else, and appreciate your help. I certainly don't find you or my wife annoying, I'm not sure where you're getting that from.

 

I apologize if something I said bothered you, it was unintentional.

[secretlady76]

Ok, I'm going to ask you to do something slightly odd. But it may help you and it may help the other posters to understand a little. I am going to ask you to do the following:

 

Have a rant on here. Put the office lady to one side for the moment and tell us how you are feeling where you are at the moment in your life, marriage etc. No holds barred. How do you feel? Trust me on this.....

[Dean13]

What the hell. I will do that Secretlady, but it will have to wait until I can get to a computer where I can type easier, I have a feeling once I start, it may get long.

[Whatitistoburn]

OP, i feel for you and im sorry if i have to say this but i feel like you considered telling your friend about your feelings because deep down you want to hear from her that she feels the same way. Then, you wont feel so lost and lonely anymore because youre not alone in the situation. And like what other posters pointed out, this could then be the beginning of an affair. Or if she tells you she doesnt feel the same way, i feel like deep down youd want her to be only denying her feelings because she knows its wrong.

 

Either way, you feel youd get the satisfaction of confirming that the feeling is mutual somehow and youre not imagining things.

 

Its a very hard situation and im sorry but pls consider that these feelings for the OW could be fleeting and just an infatuation and think about what your priorities in life really are...

Edited May 5, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[psm04]

Hi Dean13, I read your post, and it sounded familiar to what was going on between me and my xOMM, so thought I'd write a reply. My xOMM and I were (still are) co-workers. Both married. It was never the 'love or lust at first sight' thing. We started talking, and found out that we got along really well. We were addicted to talking to each other any chance we got. It was crazy. Pretty soon, feelings developed on both ends. If we kept it in our heads, it would have been fine. But I made the HUGE mistake of confiding in him about it. And guess where it ended. 2 years of an intense affair. Lots of emotional rollercoasters. Just a big mess. Now, not only is the affair over, but we aren't talking. At all. We lost a good work relationship because of our feelings.

 

I think deep down, you think that she likes you too. I knew that my xOMM also liked me. That's why I foolishly told him how I felt. I don't think that telling her about your feelings will end up good. You are better off confiding in your wife than to this other woman.

 

I hope that you can continue to just be friends with her. If that's impossible, I'm sorry to say, but cutting off all contact might be what's best for you in the long run. Unless of course, you want to leave your marriage and start a sincere relationship. Good luck. Stay strong!

[Dean13]

Ok, I'm going to ask you to do something slightly odd. But it may help you and it may help the other posters to understand a little. I am going to ask you to do the following:

 

Have a rant on here. Put the office lady to one side for the moment and tell us how you are feeling where you are at the moment in your life, marriage etc. No holds barred. How do you feel? Trust me on this.....

 

Ok Secretlady, at your urging here is my rant, I'm not sure how much it will help, or if anyone else will care to read it, but I guess it won't hurt, other than to make me sound like I'm indulging in a self-pity fest.

 

/Begin rant

 

I'm not entirely happy about my job. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life professionally, had a hard time getting a job right out of college, and kind of just ended up where I am now through taking the best job I could find at the time. I've now been here 5 years and it's not a bad job, but it certainly isn't incredibly fulfilling. I also feel like I could do more and be more successful but am held back by some of my own anxiety and self-esteem issues.

 

I have lost touch with most of my friends from school and before marriage. Other than 2 or 3 friends at work, I don't really have any friends right now, and these are only work friends, not really people who I would talk to about my personal life. I am not close to my father, my go-to person to talk to, if not my wife for the last few years was my mom, and she passed away in April last year. No brothers, no sisters. Other than my wife's sister, we aren't in contact with her family either for various complicated reasons, let's just say it's our choice to be cutoff from them.

 

I guess sometimes, even with my wife and family here, I actually feel lonely. I don't know if that makes sense, my wife and kids are here, and we do things together that we enjoy, and yet I still feel lonely sometimes. That probably sounds crazy, but it's how I feel.

 

We are ok financially, but not great, haven't been able to save much and have quite a bit of debt. We make enough money though, and are in no danger of not paying our bills, unless one of us loses our jobs. Main frustration here is we bought a starter home in my wife's hometown, which isn't the greatest place to live. The plan was to live here for a few years and then move when we could afford more. We can afford more now, but like many, we are upside down in our loan and will probably be that way for 5-10 years, so we can't sell for the foreseeable future.

 

I love my kids and wife very much. I'm going to vent about a few things that I don't like about my relationship with my wife, but this is not to say I don't have a role in these issues, and have my own issues that I'm sure drive her crazy also. I feel we don't communicate enough, especially about bad, stressful things. If we are talking about fun stuff like you would on a date, we are good. If one of us is having an issue though we both kind of listen to each other and then say don't worry it'll get better and move on. I don't think either one of us is good at realizing when something is really bothering the other. Sure, when our parents died we were comforting for each other, but if we don't feel our spouses problem is a big deal, we don't understand why it is to them. I think we are both guilty of this.

 

Sex, well this is something I wouldn't normally talk about, but where else will I be able to discuss it if not in an anonymous internet forum. I have a much stronger sex drive than my wife. I would probably have sex 6 times a week if I could, one or two is enough for her, sometimes it's less. It's not ideal, but I can live with it. When we do have sex, it is usually good and I'm pretty sure we are both satisfied. The issues I have with it, is that it's almost always planned ahead and never spontaneous. It is always me that has to initiate, she never does, and I wonder why that is. Also, and this may seem minor but, I love to kiss, and she isn't really that into it anymore, especially during sex, sometimes even turning her head away when I try. I've asked her about it and she claims that I'm imagining it, but I don't think so.

 

/End rant.

 

Well, I don't know how that compares to other rants around here, but that's mine.

[Dean13]

Hi psm04, thanks for your response, the more perspectives the better.

 

I think deep down, you think that she likes you too. I knew that my xOMM also liked me. That's why I foolishly told him how I felt. I don't think that telling her about your feelings will end up good. You are better off confiding in your wife than to this other woman.

 

You are probably right, I don't think that I would have the guts to actually tell her anyway. No way my wife would understand, and I can't say that I would blame her.

 

I hope that you can continue to just be friends with her.

That's the way it was for about a year, I wish I could figure out what made my feelings change, that is what is really bothering me, I should be strong enough to not feel these things for someone who isn't my wife. I wish it was 3 months ago when I felt normal instead of like this.

[xxoo]

Frankly, I was expecting more in your rant!

 

The family, work, and money issues: who hasn't got those? Normal grown up life

 

The communication issues: BIG challenge to address. Have you brought it up in those words to your wife? If not, why not? Have you bought a book on communication? It's a skill, and it needs to be learned. Marriage counseling would help with this.

 

The sex issues: the frequency doesn't sound abnormal. You need to keep your expectations realistic with jobs and kids. Both my H and I would like more than we get, because by bed time, we are often too exhausted.

 

The passion issue is something you can work on, and that is something I addressed earlier in the thread. If you want girlfriend sex, you need to treat her like a girlfriend. If you treat each other like husband and wife, you get married sex. Treat each other like you are dating, and you get better results.

 

Want a passionate kiss? Have you tried pushing her up against the wall? (in a passionate way, of course) Strong arms, firm grind against her, feel her heart racing..... If she doesn't kiss you in that situation, you need to have a very frank talk about what is going on.

[secretlady76]

xxoo - love your pash up suggestion pphhwwooarrr.....sorry...where was I...

 

Anyway, from your post D13 (and good on you for writing it). Seems to me you feel that you have no control over your life and no place or person to vent to/with. Things haven't turned out the way you hoped. All a bit grey.

 

Then bam, in come 'office lady'. Shines a little light into your otherwise flat-line life. Someone you CAN talk to, communicate with. Why on earth would you want to give that up.....something that makes YOU happy! I can understand this would feel like a sacrifice (but less of a sacrifice than sacrificing all you hold dear at home).

 

I think the commnication and kissing issues need to be sorted out with your wife...otherwise I can see the the OW is going to become the person to fill these voids. Personally I think the communication issue can be worked on.. I cannot understand for the life of me the kissing thing though. I mean, for me that is a massive part of sex. That's what gets 'it all going' in the first place; you know, some nice 'can't get enough of you' kissing. Did she ever like kissing? I don't think the number of times one has sex a week is anything to do with it really, it is all about the quality...

 

Many of your other gripes are gripes we all have, so they're are, in a way, part of life. But the kissing and the communications flag it up for me.....