Dean13 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 First, apologize for length, but I guess I had more to get off my chest than I thought. Well, I’ve lurked here for a little while, but now I need some help so I posted. I know this is going to sound familiar, and some of you will say I’m being selfish. I kind of already know that, but I’m trying to understand what’s going on in my messed up mind, and do the right thing, I just need some help figuring some things out. I have been married for 14 years, together for about 19, 2 girls 11 and 7. We haven’t had a perfect marriage, but, all and all it’s been happy I think, although I’ll admit that my wife seems to complain more about me and my behavior than I do about hers. Not saying it isn’t justified as I tend to be moody, and that can get on anyone’s nerves. So, I’m cruising through life and marriage pretty well adjusted and happy, I think, then about a year ago, a married woman at work starts being friendly with me. I do some work on a project for her and she offers to take me to lunch as thanks. We go and talk, mainly about work and our kids, and it’s fun. After that, we remain friendly, during this time we only talk maybe 2 or 3 times a week, for a few minutes, occasional joking, maybe she touches my arm a couple of times, nothing over the top, mostly we talk about work stuff, and about our children. Just happy to see each other at work for a few minutes and chat. I should mention we are both the same age, about 40. Then, a couple of months ago, I lose my mind completely. Start to think about her differently, she’s not just nice anymore, she’s incredible in my mind. Did she ask me to lunch because she wanted me to reciprocate so we could spend more time together? Why does she touch my arm when we’re talking? Why do I care? I’ve become slightly(maybe more?) obsessed, and things are starting to become weird as I switch back and forth between trying to avoid her for days, then forcing conversations to spend some time with her. I think about her constantly, am tired all the time but can’t sleep, don’t feel like eating much, and have lost interest in some things I used to love. In the meantime, home has become just a place I exist until I go back to work. My wife thinks I’m depressed, and I am exhibiting those symptoms I guess. On some friendly advice, we did actually have a few “date nights” during these last couple of months that were nice and helped on the weekends. Then back to work and back to insane me repeating the same patterns. On top of all of this I feel horribly guilty about all of it and want it to stop. I’m hoping someone here has had similar experiences and can help. Is there something deeper wrong with my marriage that’s causing this, or is it just an issue with me? I’ve always been pretty emotional, do I just become attached to other people too easily or is there something missing with my wife that this person was filling? Was she just being friendly the whole time, or was she flirting with me hoping for more? I’ve never been good at figuring that out. If I’m just imagining the whole thing, maybe I can at least relax a little more being around her, knowing there’s no danger of something happening. I know it would be best to cut off all contact, but it’s a very small office and getting another job isn’t really an option right now. Phew! That was a lot of venting, any opinions from anyone who actually reads this would be appreciated. Thanks.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Was she just being friendly the whole time, or was she flirting with me hoping for more? I’ve never been good at figuring that out. If I’m just imagining the whole thing, maybe I can at least relax a little more being around her, knowing there’s no danger of something happening. It's telling that this implies the only thing preventing this from escalating to "something happening" is her resistance. What if she was interested? If she called you right now and said "I'm waiting in a motel room...", what would you do ??? Want to put a stop to it today? Right now? Immediately? Tell your wife how you feel about the co-worker. At the very least, that would lead to a significant discussion about the state of your marriage... Mr. Lucky 5
kamani Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) I have been in your situation. He too was a co-worker, but never touched me or dined together. I could never figure out what he thought, because I knew any attempt to clarify my doubts would lead only to disaster. Finally I encouraged him to get a transfer and he got the transfer. IMO, what you have described is the way how an affair starts and you may already be in an EA. You have two options. Either one of you should change the workplace or you should discuss this with your spouse. I had to do both, to mend the huge hole in my marriage, thanx God. Edited May 2, 2013 by kamani 2
Snowflower Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Want to put a stop to it today? Right now? Immediately? Tell your wife how you feel about the co-worker. At the very least, that would lead to a significant discussion about the state of your marriage... Mr. Lucky Yes, this ^^^^ In the healthiest of marriages, spouses talk to each other about their attractions to other people. As humans, we can be attracted to other people, there is nothing wrong with that...as long as you don't act on it. And no, it is not the state of your marriage that is causing you to think about your co-worker. It is something in YOU that is causing you to think that way. From where I sit, your reasons could be: 1. Boredom 2. A vague sense of dissatisfaction with your life 3. The feel good feelings being around this person arouses As you said, something happened a couple of months ago that caused you to look at your co-worker differently. Try to pinpoint that and how it makes you feel. Please, do not be that man who cheats on his wife. You do not want to do that to yourself and compromise your own integrity. 2
dichotomy Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Snowflower and others made some good points. However I would not say anything to your wife at this point. I don't see enough here to warrant a conversation. I have have experienced something a little similar. So I get you - okay? The thought of being wanted by a female - that energy from a woman, not that you may want HER specifically. Your married for a while and you forget that kind thing - what a woman might find me hot - want to touch me? take me to lunch? This is of course how some affairs start - not that you were interested in them - but being wanted or desired by another is a powerful thing. In other words after being married a while (and it can be hard being married sometimes) it nice to think (even if its not real) that you a hot desirable hunk of a guy. Can you just enjoy that possibility, the idea (even if it is not real).... that yep! You still got it ! You are a decent looking desirable guy and a woman would like you, touch you, etc. Try to just put a smile on you face, stand taller - and then walk away with that feeling and go home to your wife. 3
Author Dean13 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Thanks so much for responding everyone. Snowflower, your reasons I'm feeling this way seem to be spot on. I'm definitely bored and slightly dissatisfied with how things are turning out in my life. Not horrible, just not what I thought it woul d be. The question is, do these feelings relate to issues with my wife and marriage in any way, or is it just an issue in my own mind. I know I'm at the age where a mid-life crisis isn't out of the question, but I was really hoping I would avoid that nightmare. Your third reason is a definite, I love how the attention from her makes me feel, whether it's an hour or 2 minutes. I walk away feeling like I am energized. She probably doesn't even realize it affects me this way. This probably stems from a lack of experience with girls and women when I was younger. My wife was really my first serious relationship, and there wasn't a whole lot of dating before that. As far as would I sleep with her? I honestly don't know. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but who knows. I doubt the scenario would come up anyway, other than the arm and shoulder touching, I don't get that vibe. Honestly, I do find her attractive physically, but I just really like talking to her. I also don't know if I'd have the courage do bring this up to my wife. Not sure it would help, like I said, I wish I could just shake the feeling and go back to being friends with her and not thinking like this.
Author Dean13 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Dichotomy, I was posting when you did. I think your points are good. As you can see from my previous post, I think you are basically right about the feeling she is giving me. I think the problem is I'm having a hard time just acknowledging it and moving on. Mainly because, other than my wife, I never really had this feeling before. I was painfully shy around girls, even into my early twenties, I've of course grown out of that, but by the time I did I was with my wife, girlfriend at the time. Why this woman though? It's nothing overt, so I'm not sure how she even feels about me, so why is it affecting me so strongly this time? It's not like I haven't been exposed to other women in the last 14 years.
Snowflower Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Dean, kudos to you for being so honest here and having the self-awareness to go looking for help and clarity here. So many people in your situation just blindly follow their feelings and impulses and don't realize the damage until long after. Not you though, you are seeking answers and trying to understand what is going on with you. Glad you mentioned mid-life crisis because I think you are spot on. A mid-life crisis isn't a bad thing necessarily. It is one of the final stages of the maturation process. You can now hone and define what you want the next stage of your life to look like. Just use your self-awareness to channel this crisis into something positive, or at least harmless. And, please don't blame your marriage. You described a mostly happy marriage. Nothing is perfect and no marriage is happy all the time. This crisis is something inside of you...so don't make your marriage a casualty of it. Again, FWIW, I have faith that you will do the right thing. 3
Author Dean13 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Snowflower, thank you so much! That post was so much appreciated, I only hope that your faith in me is well placed, because right now I am confused and not dealing well with my emotions. BUT, already this brief conversation in the forum here has helped, I feel better to have gotten some of this off my chest. 2
dichotomy Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) Dichotomy, I was posting when you did. I think your points are good. As you can see from my previous post, I think you are basically right about the feeling she is giving me. I think the problem is I'm having a hard time just acknowledging it and moving on. Mainly because, other than my wife, I never really had this feeling before. I was painfully shy around girls, even into my early twenties, I've of course grown out of that, but by the time I did I was with my wife, girlfriend at the time. Why this woman though? It's nothing overt, so I'm not sure how she even feels about me, so why is it affecting me so strongly this time? It's not like I haven't been exposed to other women in the last 14 years. Dean13. Again, with what you just explained about your history - I GET you even more. You and I share some things in common. It is okay to flirt a little - be confident and enjoys the feeling or thought you might be attractive to another woman. Accept it - its okay - don't beat yourself up. Enjoy the thought okay? Perhaps the next time your wife gives you a little hard time - or you’re feeling a little unappreciated at home, try to recapture this feeling/idea/ of being a desirable man and let a little smile come across your face. Bet it will do wonders for you and your wife. Its okay what your feeling. Leave it at that. Edited May 2, 2013 by dichotomy
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Accept it - its okay - don't beat yourself up. Enjoy the thought okay? Perhaps the next time your wife gives you a little hard time - or you’re feeling a little unappreciated at home, try to recapture this feeling/idea/ of being a desirable man and let a little smile come across your face. Bet it will do wonders for you and your wife. Its okay what your feeling. Leave it at that. If you can do this, seems like a positive way to look at it. Accept it for the compliment it is and move on. But continued and unabated obsessing over this person should be discussed with your spouse, or at the very least a counselor or therapist. As you yourself have identified, it's a symptom of something bigger... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Dean13 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Mr. Lucky and dichotomy, I think you're both right. I need to just accept it and move on, but the fact is I'm just not doing that right now. It would be sooo much better that way, then I could have a good work friend, and a great marriage. Like I said before, I went months doing just that, then sometime in March, it just changed, and i'm not sure why. I need to learn to deal with these emotions better and find out what the cause is. Lucky, I am actually seeing a counselor on Monday to see if they can help, there must be some type of issue floating around inside me that a professional can I.D. I did also want to post here and see if it might help too, and so far, it has, at least a little.
annaballerina Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Dean I think you hit it on the nail in that you weren't with other girls before your wife. You never had the opportunity to experience other women so this is a novelty having this woman pay notice to you. I'm in the same situation I jumped right into marriage with my one and only. I too was very shy and the comfort of being with my only boyfriend was at the time what I wanted. Looking back now I see it was a mistake. I do love my hubby but I really should if taken the time to get to know him. If I had I probably would think long and hard before marrying. Now I'm at a point in my life where my marriage is void of intimacy and sex but I'm still a young desirable woman so I have had interest from other men. It's intoxicating because it fills a void so well but realistically would I cheat? I won't lie I've thought about it more than I care to admit. I'm not proud of this but it's the truth. Online I have cheated. It's not something I ever thought I'd do but I did and in real life it can happen too. You need to keep it in check because thoughts are so powerful and they can grow into actions before you know it. I go to a Gym program cross fit and I had a man there that flirted heavily with me. I was very attracted to him and flirted back lightly but it got out of hand quickly. He asked me out for drinks and it was at that point it clicked that this was real and I better look at it that way. I refrained AND I went to a different cross fit center. It's not worth it. As mentioned enjoy the attention but leave it at that 1
Author Dean13 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Anna, While I agree, our pasts are similar, my marriage wasn't really missing sex or intimacy, and we dated a good 5 years before being engaged. I think that bothers me more. I am wondering if there is something more basic missing in my marriage that would cause me to seek out attention from this woman or is it just that it's something new giving me a lift, in which case I should be able to just drop it and move on. Salad, I don't know that I'd say she's a trouble maker. For all I know a lot of this could be in my head. Maybe she just likes me as a friend and my mind is mixing things up for some reason. Also, I don't really fantasize about her sexually, well, a couple times, but it's more an uncontrollable urge to speak to her or be with her as much as possible. I don't want to cheat and I don't think she does either, it's more about why I absolutely NEED to seek attention from her. It kills me to sit at my desk when all I want to do is go talk to her.
secretlady76 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 She's stirred something up deep inside you hasn't she? Feelings that had been long dead. And, ohhhhh, didn't you like the way it made you feel. You want more. It's like a drug. You have to have more. Then you go home and it's all hum drum. Your wife can't stir those feelings. Not like the lady at work. You sit there at your 'date nights' and I wonder who you're thinking about. Plus, you have the added 'excitement' of your special secret. The lunch, the looks, the touch. The wife is in the dark about that. You can see how these things start. I'm afraid the urge causes the action, which causes the urge. It's wash, rinse repeat. Before you know it the 2 min conversation and the touch on the arm won't be enough. You'll want to be alone to talk, to touch....not infront of people in the office. You will find a way to be alone and then it'll really kick off. If you want my advice, stop it now. Before it gets out of hand. If your wife finds out then all hell will let loose. You may lose everything. You know, you may have felt like this about your wife once. Do you remember? Before it all got dull and boring....and you know that if you ran off into the sunset with the lady from work, she may also become the boring wife......remember, she probably is the boring wife at home..... Can you use all that energy you're spending thinking about the lady at work into your marriage? Because at the moment you're draining the time and energy from your marriage and using it in a fantasy. Is it actually about the woman herself or about the feelings she stirred within you?!!
xxoo Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You know, you may have felt like this about your wife once. Do you remember? Before it all got dull and boring....and you know that if you ran off into the sunset with the lady from work, she may also become the boring wife......remember, she probably is the boring wife at home..... Can you use all that energy you're spending thinking about the lady at work into your marriage? Because at the moment you're draining the time and energy from your marriage and using it in a fantasy. Well said! Tell your wife you miss the thrills of the early days. Don't go on "dates" with your wife--actually treat her like a new girlfriend. Court her. Go do exciting things together (it's been demonstrated that doing new and exciting things together--think zip line or other exhilarating stuff--can inject passion back into a long term relationship). This woman at work is a warning sign for you. You two haven't been tending your garden at home. "Cruising" through marriage isn't active enough. Where you focus your thoughts and energy, that's where you reap your rewards. 3
Author Dean13 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Thanks Secretlady, Your post also made me think about some things and I want to comment on them. “You sit there at your 'date nights' and I wonder who you're thinking about.” I think those were actually fairly successful in taking my mind off of things. The weekend, and the day following were both good. Back to work, and back to the same feelings however. ” She's stirred something up deep inside you hasn't she? Feelings that had been long dead. And, ohhhhh, didn't you like the way it made you feel. You want more. It's like a drug. You have to have more.” Um, yes, yes and yes. Not really proud of it, trying to fight it, but not really succeeding very well. “Before you know it the 2 min conversation and the touch on the arm won't be enough. You'll want to be alone to talk, to touch....not in front of people in the office. You will find a way to be alone and then it'll really kick off.” Like I said before, I really think I’m getting more from this than the “other lady”. I think to her I’m just a minor distraction a few minutes each day that is fun to talk to and maybe makes her feel good about herself. I’m pretty sure she’s not having the same types of feelings I am. I have no way of knowing this, without asking her, which I’m not going to do. Of course, I’ve never been good at figuring out what a woman is thinking anyway. Point here is, I doubt anything would ever really “kick off”. “You know, you may have felt like this about your wife once. Do you remember?” Honestly, I don’t remember feelings exactly like this. Again, I was pretty shy even then, if I did feel this nervous and excited around her, I probably wouldn’t have been able to function enough to attract her. I think the best thing about our relationship back then was I was incredibly comfortable with her from the start. Conversation was easy and we had quite a bit in common, we had fun together. I was rarely nervous with her, or feeling like I needed to impress her. It was like having a best friend who I also thought was beautiful and attractive. I missed her if we were apart, and I was happy to see her when we were back together. I mentioned above, I sometimes have an uncontrollable need to talk to this woman during the day, almost like I will explode if I don’t. Don’t think I ever had that with my wife. Is that a pre-requisite for a successful long term relationship? That you at one time felt like this in the beginning? I never thought anything of it until the last few weeks but now I wonder if I’ve somehow screwed everything up by not recognizing something missing at the start? “Is it actually about the woman herself or about the feelings she stirred within you?!!” That’s a good question, I don’t know her that well outside of work stuff. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both, as I’m clearly escalating things in my mind because of an issue I’m going through. On the other hand, I’ve been friends with other women that I thought were attractive since I was married, and didn’t get to this point. Damn, actually writing this stuff down is helping, although I’m still not sure where it’s leading me.
secretlady76 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Thanks Secretlady, I think those were actually fairly successful in taking my mind off of things. The weekend, and the day following were both good. Back to work, and back to the same feelings however. Ok, so that is good, that you had good quality time with your wife and that you enjoyed it. That is something to work on. Keep doing it. Don't let it fall by the wayside. It's so easy to do so when married; you know, not put the effort in. If you do this more then maybe the need for the convo with the lady at work won't be quite so important... Honestly, I don’t remember feelings exactly like this. Again, I was pretty shy even then, if I did feel this nervous and excited around her, I probably wouldn’t have been able to function enough to attract her. I think the best thing about our relationship back then was I was incredibly comfortable with her from the start. Conversation was easy and we had quite a bit in common, we had fun together. I was rarely nervous with her, or feeling like I needed to impress her. It was like having a best friend who I also thought was beautiful and attractive. I missed her if we were apart, and I was happy to see her when we were back together. I mentioned above, I sometimes have an uncontrollable need to talk to this woman during the day, almost like I will explode if I don’t. Don’t think I ever had that with my wife. Is that a pre-requisite for a successful long term relationship? That you at one time felt like this in the beginning? I never thought anything of it until the last few weeks but now I wonder if I’ve somehow screwed everything up by not recognizing something missing at the start? Mmm. Personally, I think it is probably better to have a marriage with someone you feel comfortable with, have lots in common with etc. But maybe that 'spark' was never there....I don't know. I wonder if a long term relationship with someone who makes you feel nervous and excited is also important....or do those feelings die a death also? I've always said that the ones who make you nervous and excited are the ones who are bad news.....but maybe I'm wrong there. Not sure. But I do think that there has to be some form of spark/passion there from the beginning. “Is it actually about the woman herself or about the feelings she stirred within you?!!” That’s a good question, I don’t know her that well outside of work stuff. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both, as I’m clearly escalating things in my mind because of an issue I’m going through. On the other hand, I’ve been friends with other women that I thought were attractive since I was married, and didn’t get to this point. Damn, actually writing this stuff down is helping, although I’m still not sure where it’s leading me. Maybe you didn't get to this point with other women before because you were, at the time, fulfilled in your marriage? At what point did your feelings towards this woman change. I know you said two months ago, but what happened 2 months ago that made you take note and think "Mmmm, I like this more than I should?" Were things not so good at home? Is there any correlation between home and what is going on here? I am not assuming, I am trying to work out how this all started. I have responded above... 1
Snowflower Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I think those were actually fairly successful in taking my mind off of things. The weekend, and the day following were both good. Back to work, and back to the same feelings however. The above^^^speaks well of your marriage, IMO. When you are with your wife, you forget about your work friend. Good! Like I said before, I really think I’m getting more from this than the “other lady”. I think to her I’m just a minor distraction a few minutes each day that is fun to talk to and maybe makes her feel good about herself. I’m pretty sure she’s not having the same types of feelings I am. I have no way of knowing this, without asking her, which I’m not going to do. Of course, I’ve never been good at figuring out what a woman is thinking anyway. Point here is, I doubt anything would ever really “kick off”. Whatever you do, do not talk to this other person about what you are feeling and thinking. If you were to do this, you would ignite a powder keg, most likely. Okay, thinking about this more pragmatically, I think you said you worked in a small office, right? If you started something with her, it would create drama and gossip of unbelievable proportions! I don't think you want to jeopardize your career, do you? For a few "feel good" feelings? And don't try to fool yourself by thinking that no one in the office would know. Those sparks you are feeling? If she reciprocates them and my guess is that she probably would, well those sparks would be obvious to everyone else in the office. They would feel the heat. People aren't stupid. I once worked in a small office where 2 of the employees were having a little fling. It was so obvious what was going on. Other people will be able to detect those sparks, just like you are. Do you want to be gossiped about? Lose your job? Don’t think I ever had that with my wife. Is that a pre-requisite for a successful long term relationship? That you at one time felt like this in the beginning? I never thought anything of it until the last few weeks but now I wonder if I’ve somehow screwed everything up by not recognizing something missing at the start? Again, you're starting to pick apart your marriage. It isn't your marriage or your wife. It's you. That’s a good question, I don’t know her that well outside of work stuff. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both, as I’m clearly escalating things in my mind because of an issue I’m going through. On the other hand, I’ve been friends with other women that I thought were attractive since I was married, and didn’t get to this point. Perhaps because those other women you worked with who were attractive had boundaries? Sure, they were friendly and nice and attractive but there was maybe that intangible "don't go there" in your dealings with them. And maybe it was on your side too. You kept it professional. But this woman. You are attracted to her and she is attracted to you...you are picking up on that and I bet so is she. That is the difference here...and a weakening of boundaries for her and for you. I seriously think I might just cry now. Damn, actually writing this stuff down is helping, although I’m still not sure where it’s leading me. It is good you find writing this down is helpful. Did you say you were going to talk to someone, such as a therapist? Print out your posts here and use them as a starting point in your session(s). If you are the reading type and you seem like you are by the way you write, I would recommend the book, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is an easy read and I think you might you see yourself written in the pages of that book. 1
Author Dean13 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Snowflower, "Again, you're starting to pick apart your marriage. It isn't your marriage or your wife. It's you." How can you be sure it isn't something missing in our marriage that is causing me to feel this way? Not saying it isn't just an issue with me, I actually hope it is and you are right, you just seem so sure and I'm not. I am going to see a counselor on Monday, and I fear once I get going, something about our marriage is just going to unravel before my eyes in that room. I really hope not, but I am conflicted, confused and frightened about all this. I've never been to any type of therapy and I don't know what to expect. "Do you want to be gossiped about? Lose your job?" Of course not, but I'm not exactly thinking clearly right now. "I seriously think I might just cry now." Please don't, I'm sorry. After reading some of your previous threads, I see this must be very difficult for you. I truly appreciate you trying to help me.
secretlady76 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Wait a minute. You've had lunch with a lady, who touched your arm and now you're going to counselling? Is that a bit excessive? Or are you going because you fear you're falling into depression over it? Or is the whole thing become all-consumming? Therapists work for some people and not for others. You can end up navel gazing over tiny problems and sometimes they try and make you think you have a problem that you don't actually have. They can be quite manipulating. However, what I will say is that it is worth going just to talk to someone if nothing else and if you feel it helps then good. But if you feel it is making you feel worse then stop. Just be aware that you get nothing out of the first session as that is normally an assesment. Then the therapy actually starts and it's all very intense. Therapists tend to leave you on a cliff-hanger after each session in the hope you come back! There will be a lot of 'So how did that make you feel' conversation going. I don't think they will necessarily pin-point the marriage as such, because without your wife there too they can't see the true picture. Individual counselling is really about you. You may want to consider Marriage guidance too later if it's more the marriage that you think may be the root cause of this 'thing at work' happening....but you'd have to admit to that in the marriage guidance and maybe you're not prepared to do that quite yet. You'd have to admit it to your wife first and I don't suppose you want to do that either (although you probably should I'm afraid).
dichotomy Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 ....and you know that if you ran off into the sunset with the lady from work, she may also become the boring wife......remember, she probably is the boring wife at home..... ! George Bernard Shaw said: "Love mainly consists of overestimating the difference between one woman and another"
JAG-UR Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 It's easy to be charming when you first meet a person and only communicate with them a few times a week. If you have a wife who has been there through the good, the bad and the ugly, that's what has more value.
Author Dean13 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Secretlady, Seeing a therapist was something I was considering before anyway. This just spurred me to take the initiative. I've had some depression and anxiety issues in the past and, as you stated above, this has pushed me in that direction. I don't think the way you characterized it is correct though. One lunch and a couple touches would not be enough to set me off. This has slowly built up to a point where I know there is more going on. I tried to observe things more closely the last couple days. She is definitely encouraging my attention, probably just because it's making her feel good, unfortunately it's also making me feel good also. At this point, I feel guilty like I'm having an affair, even though I'm technically not. We went out to dinner with the kids last night, and I was there, but not really "present", if you know what I mean. This caused a large fight after the kids went to bed, and her saying maybe I should leave for a few days and figure out what was wrong. I'm still here, but definitely wasn't good.
Author Dean13 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 It's easy to be charming when you first meet a person and only communicate with them a few times a week. If you have a wife who has been there through the good, the bad and the ugly, that's what has more value. I know this, just not thinking clearly at all. I think in most cases if people were thinking clearly, they wouldn't ever consider cheating. Just my opinion.
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