Not getting easier...omg

[SweetBella1]

Today marks 3 weeks of NC. I thought it was supposed to be getting easier?!

 

Do any other xAPs in NC have endless thoughts bouncing around all day every day: Will I hear from him/her? Or is he/she gone for good? It just seems to be too hard to accept that it could really be FOR GOOD. It's unbelievable to me at this point.

 

How long have you been in NC, and how long were you in the A?

 

Why am I having such a hard time moving on? I suppose it has to do with the very reason I sought out the A, a huge void & sadness in my life. And now that xMM is gone, there's no longer a distraction from that void. I go to IC but it's not really helping.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I feed the sadness/grief by visiting sites like this on a daily basis. Yes, they're tremendously helpful and supportive but it keeps me fixated on the situation even more. And when someone says something along the lines of "Oh you'll hear from your xMM again"....it just gives me a boost of hope and I begin to expect it...only to realize it may never really happen. I don't want to carry around false hope because that will only prolong things.

 

I have to learn how to be okay with the fact that he's gone. I know, time, time, time.... sigh

[Owl]

Besides remaining NC, what are you doing to fill your time, to help yourself heal and move on? What are you actively doing to refocus your life off of him, and onto something else?

[Praying4Peace]

I think 3 weeks is about time I had a 'relapse'...the first stage of giving up any hope. So don't worry about it too much. Everything you are feeling is normal. How long was your A?

 

Like Owl said, you have to do other things to fill your life. Is there something you always wanted to do? A class perhaps? Do it now. Even if you don't feel like doing these things and would rather lie in bed all day...force yourself. Mind over the heart. The heart will follow at it's own pace but doing these new things will help fill your void and will also steer you away from the 'old life/routine' you had with MM.

 

For a while I thought that this site might be hindering progress...but even without visiting LS I was having thoughts in my head on a continuous and insane loop. Reading here helped me put things in perspective.

 

When people here say they've been there they mean it...literally. You think you won't get there, you think maybe you're different and they don't get it but just hang in there...

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting. You've made it this far- 3 weeks is a big deal!

 

ps- if you ever feel like breaking NC keep it mind that he's been NC with you and HE hasn't broken it!

[SweetBella1]

You admitted OM is a narcissist, controlling, ex con, bad news, etc.

 

 

And yet you pine for him.

 

 

 

I agreed that he has narcissistic traits & personality issues, yes. Still miss him. I'm in active IC but it's not helping at all. Need to find a new therapist.

[Praying4Peace]

What kind of things does your IC say? Does she know that he might be a Narcissistic?

[whichwayisup]

Accept that it IS over and let your heart catch up to reality. Truly try your best to let go and give up hope. Look at who he is, not who you hope he is/was or wanted him to be. The man whom you fell for does not exist.

 

Everyday DO grieve and let yourself cry but pick yourself up and MAKE yourself go out, spend time with friends or family. Try new hobbies. Join a yoga group, or bird watching - Anything to keep you busy.

 

It's going to hurt for a while but just know you'll feel better over time. Be good to you - Most of all. Re build your confidence - Go shopping, get a new haircut, something that makes you feel good.

[DelusionalOne]

Hi SweetBella 1

 

Here is my experience…. I was in my EA for about a year. I have been in strict NC for 3 months now.

 

At 3 weeks I was still a mess. I didn’t even find this board until I was 8 weeks NC. I guess I just went NC instinctively. Pride and fear (of further rejecting) keep me on the straight and narrow there.

 

For me there are still thoughts every day. Some good, some not so good. You move two steps forward and take 1 step back. Earlier this week, I felt like I was in week 1 NC. Today, I am back to “I don’t give a shyte” mode and I am sure that will change tomorrow.

 

That reality of “He is gone for good. I will never see/hear from him again” is a hard, painful one to accept. Somewhere here someone likened it to “dangling off a cliff by one foot”. For me it happened around the 7-8ish NC week. And it really, really hurt.

 

Some others, including myself, have stated that they wonder if this site makes you dwell on the loss….and it is quite possible. But soon you will be NC 4 or 5 months and while you might still be hurting a bit, you will see how far you have come when you are help those who are NC Day 1 get thru the grief and on the journey.

 

The worst thing about this board is it really makes you realize that your love WASN’T special, it WASN’T a love like no other, you DIDN’T have a connection that was different and your story really is the same as everyone else and that really stings. Because then a part of you wonders how you could have been so dumb and naïve.

 

There is a chance you will hear from him again….and I know that “hope” you are feeling gives you a feeling of validation that it was real and he MUST care. Maybe he does… but not enough to change things as he has made his choice. You can’t be friends. Ever. Do some reading on this board…. You will know… you can never be friends with him. NC is the only way to go. I don’t say this easily. I KNOW how hard it is. I know how it breaks your heart. I’m living it every day. But I don’t want to live it forever. Two things someone said to me recently (not knowing the situation).

 

Sometimes you need to burn a bridge you were never meant to cross in the first place

 

And

 

When you are walking thru hell… just keep walking. You’ll get to the other side. If you turn back you will just be facing hell all over again.

[SweetBella1]

You are in love because OM met the emotional need of attention.

 

When OM looked at you with lust in his eyes it felt great. That is what you are missing. You are not wanted anymore. No one wants to have sex with you very badly.

 

Yes he met an emotional need for attention but even more, he distracted me from a huge emptiness in my life.

 

I do miss the sexual chemistry with xMM but I must disagree re: " no one wanting to have sex with (me) very badly". Finding other men to lust for me is just shooting fish in a barrel. I am not interested in 'just anyone' now...for whatever reasons, right or wrong, I really started to like him.

 

And I definitely don't feel like "(I'm) not wanted anymore." Are you trying to be cruel? The truth is that I could have another AP within a few days. I don't want that.

Edited May 2, 2013 by SweetBella1

[tinker683]

My A was over a year. We broke up in January but I've broken NC 3 times since then.

 

It's hard....it's REALLY hard...but I can *NOT* stress much more painful it is to break NC. It's literally like hitting the reset button every time.

 

Stay strong!

[MissBee]

3 weeks is not a long time. It took me almost 2 years once to be completely over a relationship. I don't think that's the norm and I'm not trying to say it will be that way for you, just saying that, less than a month into NC is nothing...it takes a lot longer than that to detach.

 

It gets easier with time but it can get worse before it gets better and usually you go through a roller coaster of ups and down versus a linear progression of bad to good. Some days you will feel over it and fine and other days you'll be int he dumps and feel like it's day one. Not fun! I used to hate those upswings, as they were often false alarms. But slowly you get to stable point of not counting NC anymore and feeling better for longer periods and before you know it you wake up one day and have to remember to think about this person.

[Feb]

I'm about 9 days of NC. We're not too far apart, SweetBella. The bouncing thoughts are the most frustrating part. I don't want the thoughts to be there all the time. I would like to drive by a Starbucks without thinking of him (coffee was our thing). My thoughts are all over the place from remorse, guilt, anger, loneliness, and many times the thoughts are just neutral without too much emotion, but they are thoughts about him nonetheless.

 

I come to LS, because it affirms that my A was just like everyone else's. It wasn't special or a unique situation. Even the break-up patterns were the same. My xAP is also not special or unique. In the midst of the 'fog' I thought his life was worse than everyone else's, he was unluckier than everyone else, and that he needed my support more than anyone else. But that's not true either.

 

 

 

 

When you post how sad and lonely you are, you probably don't think you are helping someone, but you are! You are letting others know how much it hurts and now those other people know they are not alone in their feelings. In many cases it puts words to their feelings. Sometimes the feelings are so confusing and strong you can't find the words to express. Other postings help with that.

 

 

Someone mentioned in another thread that we should focus on the plusses of being done with this A. Focusing on these helps. It also helps me set goals of where I'd like to be in 3 weeks. So here are the things I am grateful for now:

 

 

-While I still have guilt (and lots of it), I enjoy not having the guilt get any worse because I am continuing in this A.

-I enjoy being able to look at my cell phone and not feel a stab in the heart when there is not a text there. I feel a little disappointment, but it's not heart-breaking.

-I enjoy getting my time back as my own. I used to schedule my day around his schedule. I would even dump plans with other friends if he suddenly became available! I like having the freedom that this is my time now.

-I enjoy being out of the fog that distracted everything in my life. Even if I was having a discussion with a co-worker, friend, child, or H, my mind was only half there...the other half was with xAP. Now I am fully engaged in all conversations and it's a great feeling.

-I enjoy the feeling of not having to constantly hide my cell phone, laptop, etc., and not have to constantly clean up my messages.

-I enjoy not having to worry about xAP anymore and all his woes and problems. His problems are not mine anymore.

[SweetBella1]

Nope, I don't want to be cruel. That is a defensive posture from your part.

 

OK, at this time the void can only be filled by OM and that makes sense. In these situations no one else could help. And I did not try to imply you cannot get other men. That is not the point,

 

Nevertheless, you need to examine why you are in this situation. Why did you have to do this to treat the void?

 

Why do you have this emptiness in your life? (before meeting OM)

 

Good, I didn't think you were trying to be cruel, but most women will take it personally if they're told, "You're not wanted anymore" and "No one wants to have sex with you".

 

But I DID get the message you were sending. I sat and thought about it before I replied.

 

Lack of "lust" isn't the problem. The main issues are:

 

1) I sought out an A to fill a void and it provided just that, a nice distraction from some difficult realities in my life

and

2) I allowed myself to enter into an actual relationship with this man, versus sticking to my guns and insisting that we be casual FWBs. In going along with him, I set the course for my inevitable heartbreak.

 

I'm sure this breakup is easier for him, than for me. He's a serial cheater, he's been down this road a few times before. He once told me that when the A eventually ended, it was over. He said he cannot be friends with his exes (I presume because he would have a total lack of control over them.)

 

I know that there MUST be things that he misses about me too. He may be narcissistic and difficult, but he's not a robot. There's no way to be that intimate and intense with a woman for 3 months and not miss *something* about her. That brings me some comfort, to think about the things that I know he misses about me.

 

But whatever he misses about me isn't going to overpower the fact that I broke his rules and he doesn't give second chances.

 

As for the void: I have several legitimate reasons for that. I'd have to go back to my birth in order to fill you in on all of them. My childhood was rough, like many others', but trust me, I have reasons for the way I am! I have examined them all but there's no fix for the void, God knows I've tried. I've tried it all. IC for 20 years, pushing myself to be successful and create a nice family, all of it. Void remains. Even my last ditch attempt at distracting myself with an A failed, and only managed to make things worse! Dammit!

[Feb]

But slowly you get to stable point of not counting NC anymore and feeling better for longer periods and before you know it you wake up one day and have to remember to think about this person.

 

That's my ultimate goal -- waking up and having to remember to think about this guy. :-)

 

 

BTW, in my previous post I did not say how long my relationship was. 2 years. Two years and we talked and/or texted daily for the first year and some months, and it kind of trailed off in the last 6 months. EA and PA.

[SweetBella1]

My A was over a year. We broke up in January but I've broken NC 3 times since then.

 

It's hard....it's REALLY hard...but I can *NOT* stress much more painful it is to break NC. It's literally like hitting the reset button every time.

 

Stay strong!

 

When you broke NC, did the A start back up?

[jezebella]

I'm about 9 days of NC. We're not too far apart, SweetBella. The bouncing thoughts are the most frustrating part. I don't want the thoughts to be there all the time. I would like to drive by a Starbucks without thinking of him (coffee was our thing). My thoughts are all over the place from remorse, guilt, anger, loneliness, and many times the thoughts are just neutral without too much emotion, but they are thoughts about him nonetheless.

 

I come to LS, because it affirms that my A was just like everyone else's. It wasn't special or a unique situation. Even the break-up patterns were the same. My xAP is also not special or unique. In the midst of the 'fog' I thought his life was worse than everyone else's, he was unluckier than everyone else, and that he needed my support more than anyone else. But that's not true either.

 

 

 

 

When you post how sad and lonely you are, you probably don't think you are helping someone, but you are! You are letting others know how much it hurts and now those other people know they are not alone in their feelings. In many cases it puts words to their feelings. Sometimes the feelings are so confusing and strong you can't find the words to express. Other postings help with that.

 

 

Someone mentioned in another thread that we should focus on the plusses of being done with this A. Focusing on these helps. It also helps me set goals of where I'd like to be in 3 weeks. So here are the things I am grateful for now:

 

 

-While I still have guilt (and lots of it), I enjoy not having the guilt get any worse because I am continuing in this A.

-I enjoy being able to look at my cell phone and not feel a stab in the heart when there is not a text there. I feel a little disappointment, but it's not heart-breaking.

-I enjoy getting my time back as my own. I used to schedule my day around his schedule. I would even dump plans with other friends if he suddenly became available! I like having the freedom that this is my time now.

-I enjoy being out of the fog that distracted everything in my life. Even if I was having a discussion with a co-worker, friend, child, or H, my mind was only half there...the other half was with xAP. Now I am fully engaged in all conversations and it's a great feeling.

-I enjoy the feeling of not having to constantly hide my cell phone, laptop, etc., and not have to constantly clean up my messages.

-I enjoy not having to worry about xAP anymore and all his woes and problems. His problems are not mine anymore.

 

This is perfect and so helpful.

 

I would add:

- I enjoy the lack of fear in my life; fear of ruining my reputation, family, career.

- I enjoy the disillusion of the jealousy I had for his time with his W - irrational, even though we knew the "rules," but now I can let that go

[SweetBella1]

This is perfect and so helpful.

 

I would add:

- I enjoy the lack of fear in my life; fear of ruining my reputation, family, career.

- I enjoy the disillusion of the jealousy I had for his time with his W - irrational, even though we knew the "rules," but now I can let that go

 

Amen to that. Still miss him. #/@*!

[jezebella]

Amen to that. Still miss him. #/@*!

 

I still miss my AP, too. Constantly. One of the worst parts of a "secret affair" is that it's secret! I find myself with no one to talk to; no way to get out the emotions.

 

I'm glad we can be there for each other.

[psm04]

-While I still have guilt (and lots of it), I enjoy not having the guilt get any worse because I am continuing in this A.

-I enjoy being able to look at my cell phone and not feel a stab in the heart when there is not a text there. I feel a little disappointment, but it's not heart-breaking.

-I enjoy getting my time back as my own. I used to schedule my day around his schedule. I would even dump plans with other friends if he suddenly became available! I like having the freedom that this is my time now.

-I enjoy being out of the fog that distracted everything in my life. Even if I was having a discussion with a co-worker, friend, child, or H, my mind was only half there...the other half was with xAP. Now I am fully engaged in all conversations and it's a great feeling.

-I enjoy the feeling of not having to constantly hide my cell phone, laptop, etc., and not have to constantly clean up my messages.

-I enjoy not having to worry about xAP anymore and all his woes and problems. His problems are not mine anymore.

 

WOW... So so true..

 

SweetBella, hang in there. 3 weeks is not too long, but it is the path to things getting better. My affair has been officially over for 6 weeks, but we've gone complete NC for about 3 weeks. It hurts, but you will feel better and you will get through it. I didn't think I could last this long, and I have. Hope you feel better!

[SweetBella1]

I still miss my AP, too. Constantly. One of the worst parts of a "secret affair" is that it's secret! I find myself with no one to talk to; no way to get out the emotions.

 

I'm glad we can be there for each other.

 

Yes, it is a lonesome & painful road we're on. I'm glad we have this connection too. If you ever want to email: [email protected]

[SweetBella1]

WOW... So so true..

 

SweetBella, hang in there. 3 weeks is not too long, but it is the path to things getting better. My affair has been officially over for 6 weeks, but we've gone complete NC for about 3 weeks. It hurts, but you will feel better and you will get through it. I didn't think I could last this long, and I have. Hope you feel better!

 

Thank you. I keep secretly hoping he'll miss me & contact me but I need to let that hope die.

[psm04]

Thank you. I keep secretly hoping he'll miss me & contact me but I need to let that hope die.

 

Think about it this way - You miss him, but you are staying strong and doing the right thing, right? Maybe he's doing the same thing also? Plus, even though you might be hoping for him to contact you, if he does, you'll probably be wishing that he didn't. Since any contact will only bring all the negative feelings back, you know?

[RickFox]

Thank you. I keep secretly hoping he'll miss me & contact me but I need to let that hope die.

 

As a male, I did the same thing with my xMW, and sadly there are still days, like the last few, that those emotions have come back to roost. I have to remind myself that for the past several weeks she and I have been in the same room picking up our kids and not once has she looked in my direction, she continues to act like Im not there. Admittedly, I have done the same thing, but I'm sure she gives not one red cent that I am there as well.

[jezebella]

Thank you. I keep secretly hoping he'll miss me & contact me but I need to let that hope die.

 

I spend far too much time wondering if he's thinking about me, missing me, hurting for me as I hurt for him. Sadly, we have dozens (maybe hundreds) of friends and acquaintences in common, so I have to hear things from a coworker like, "Hey, I was out with [AP] and [bS] last night! It was so fun!" and I completely die a million deaths inside. I think, "Well, he's just completely moved on; snug in his relationship; no thoughts of me - BASTARD!!"

 

I don't know if that's true or not. It would be some comfort to know he hurts, I don't know why.

 

But I've heard that sometimes the effect of a DDay, which he had and I did not, can actually eradicate the feelings for the AP in the person who has the DDay. They become so crushed at the thought of losing their spouse, the affair bubble bursts, and they retreat without looking back.

 

That thought kills me.

[firstandlast]

Nope, I don't want to be cruel. That is a defensive posture from your part.

 

OK, at this time the void can only be filled by OM and that makes sense. In these situations no one else could help. And I did not try to imply you cannot get other men. That is not the point,

 

Nevertheless, you need to examine why you are in this situation. Why did you have to do this to treat the void?

 

Why do you have this emptiness in your life? (before meeting OM)

 

I think what Pierre meant is that the absence of the OM makes you feel unwanted, not that nobody would ever want you. But I did have to reread his initial comment a few times -- the wording did come across that way.

 

Anyway, your feelings are normal. It's natural to miss the OP and that feeling of being loved. Trust me, it does get better. As other people have mentioned, take this time to work on yourself. You'll come out the other end a stronger, more self-confident person.

[who_am_i]

I don't know if that's true or not. It would be some comfort to know he hurts, I don't know why.

 

But I've heard that sometimes the effect of a DDay, which he had and I did not, can actually eradicate the feelings for the AP in the person who has the DDay. They become so crushed at the thought of losing their spouse, the affair bubble bursts, and they retreat without looking back.

 

That thought kills me.

 

I can sympathize. There are days that I will sit and rehash things he's said to me in an effort to convince myself that he misses & thinks of me too. And though it does suck to think that after d-day he regrets he'd ever met me, as time passes it becomes more and more comforting.

 

Thinking that he is refocused on his family and not thinking about me makes it easier for me to accept the fact that it is over forever. There are no questions of when & how that will allow me to keep the door open for him longer then I should. I can confidently tell myself it's done...you can lock the door and move on. I am happy to say that there are finally starting to be more days like this.