traceym Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Hi guys, I've been seeing this guy on and off for over a year now. Right now, we’re just “friends” due to certain complications from his side but we still have feelings for each other. Normally, when we go out I get quite a bit of attention from guys and I'm always friendly back but I've never acted on any of it. A few weeks ago, he and I went to a bar and he started chatting and flirting with this girl in front of me and I made the mistake of showing my jealousy. We spoke about it afterwards and he made out as if it was totally innocent and that I overreacted etc. The next time we went out, in the first 10mins that we arrived he said to me “Must I show you how to pull a chick” and he went up to a group of girls knowing how it upset me previously and flirted again. When he came back to me I asked him what he was trying to prove and why he felt it necessary to ruin our evening again knowing how it turned out last time but he made me out to be overreacting and jealous again. Am I being unreasonable since we’re not in an actual relationship and more importantly, why all of a sudden does he feel the need to make me jealous?
Author traceym Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 We've tried but the attraction is too strong.
PogoStick Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 If him being an ******* is too attractive then you don't get to complain. 1
amaysngrace Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 We've tried but the attraction is too strong. Apparently he can have a strong attraction with others too. 1
Jbum5 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 "Why do I feel the need to stay with this guy?" is the more appropriate question to ask. And the answer is there is no need. Don't let physical attraction turn you into a buffoon, because clearly the moron has a disdainful personality.
Keenly Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Hi guys, I've been seeing this guy on and off for over a year now. Right now, we’re just “friends” due to certain complications from his side but we still have feelings for each other. Normally, when we go out I get quite a bit of attention from guys and I'm always friendly back but I've never acted on any of it. A few weeks ago, he and I went to a bar and he started chatting and flirting with this girl in front of me and I made the mistake of showing my jealousy. We spoke about it afterwards and he made out as if it was totally innocent and that I overreacted etc. The next time we went out, in the first 10mins that we arrived he said to me “Must I show you how to pull a chick” and he went up to a group of girls knowing how it upset me previously and flirted again. When he came back to me I asked him what he was trying to prove and why he felt it necessary to ruin our evening again knowing how it turned out last time but he made me out to be overreacting and jealous again. Am I being unreasonable since we’re not in an actual relationship and more importantly, why all of a sudden does he feel the need to make me jealous? You aren't in a relationship. So stop acting like a jealous girlfriend and do something about it. Take him or leave him, but don't get mad at him when he flirts with other girls. He IS single. 1
hppr Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 If him being an ******* is too attractive then you don't get to complain. Yeap! Either learn to appreciate good qualities in men (rather than bad ones) or just deal with dating a male drama-bomb. 1
ses Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 He's acting single and being openly flirtatious because that is his current status. If you dislike his behavior then you can walk away. A strong physical attraction is not a good reason to be treated with disrespect. You're justifying his behavior due to your feelings, and he's manipulating yours because he knows he has you. Drop him, and find someone with whom there's a mutual attraction and a sense of respect. I was in your shoes at 19. I liked my best friend, and he would openly flirt with other girls, in addition to asking to the relationship status of my friends. I accepted his behavior because I had feelings. I got hurt in the long-run. Lesson learned.
MidwestUSA Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You get attention from guys, but don't "act on it". Could this be a game of oneupsmanship? Surely he notices the attention you're getting? If you're both so attractive, and get hit on so much, why are you friends and not more? Drop the jealousy; his actions may be in response to the attention you get. He's testing you. 1
TheGuard13 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Seems to me that he's trying to make you think that other women want him...hoping it will make you want him. 1
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 If him being an ******* is too attractive then you don't get to complain. This is not normal behaviour for him and he's never been an ******* in the past year, except for these past 2 times we have been out. Im not a complainer, Im just trying to get some advice.
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 "Why do I feel the need to stay with this guy?" is the more appropriate question to ask. And the answer is there is no need. Don't let physical attraction turn you into a buffoon, because clearly the moron has a disdainful personality. Well thats the thing, he looks at me to see if he is getting a reaction from me while he's doing it. Its only the 2nd time he has done it in the past 2 times we have been out together, it's not normal behaviour from him and I dont want to end our whole "relationship" if he's just doing it to get a rise out of me for some reason or wants to prove that he is also desirable to other women.
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 You get attention from guys, but don't "act on it". Could this be a game of oneupsmanship? Surely he notices the attention you're getting? If you're both so attractive, and get hit on so much, why are you friends and not more? Drop the jealousy; his actions may be in response to the attention you get. He's testing you. I could see he was never comfortable with me being hit on in front of him but I never "acted on it" even though we were both single because I really like him and I respect him too much to disrespect him like that. (Even though he is acting like a douche at the moment but I think its for a reason, its not like him to intentionally try to hurt me.)
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 You aren't in a relationship. So stop acting like a jealous girlfriend and do something about it. Take him or leave him, but don't get mad at him when he flirts with other girls. He IS single. Wow, thats a bit harsh! Im here to get advise for his out-of-the-ordinary-behaviour, not be ridiculed.
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Seems to me that he's trying to make you think that other women want him...hoping it will make you want him. My thoughts too.
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 He's acting single and being openly flirtatious because that is his current status. If you dislike his behavior then you can walk away. A strong physical attraction is not a good reason to be treated with disrespect. You're justifying his behavior due to your feelings, and he's manipulating yours because he knows he has you. Drop him, and find someone with whom there's a mutual attraction and a sense of respect. I was in your shoes at 19. I liked my best friend, and he would openly flirt with other girls, in addition to asking to the relationship status of my friends. I accepted his behavior because I had feelings. I got hurt in the long-run. Lesson learned. Its not just the strong physical attraction, we are also very good friends. And he's never treated me with disrespect before, in fact he's always been a gentleman. He's just all of a sudden trying to make me jealous, which he has never done before. And I feel that because I made a scene the first time, he got the reaction he wanted and the second time was so blatantly obvious that he was trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe, he's just going through something at the moment because he's behaviour is very bizarre.
PogoStick Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Then I'll say it nicely. He's not treating you well so you should leave him.
RogerWallace111 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Really, some of you are looking at this as if he's just some cocky dickhead ? What could he possibly have to gain from that..? Unless he's truly sadistic, there's pretty obviously motivation behind his actions that isn't simply "I want to hurt my friend, it gives me pleasure." I'd say there are two possibilities. The first being the rather rhetorical, almost-definitely-not-the-case one... A) He's just a douchebag who enjoys hurting his friend. B) It's a game he's playing for a combination of reasons likely involving a desire to be with you romantically (regardless of what technicalities may be preventing it) and some jealousy/oneupmanship type sh*t about seeing you hit on. If not one of those, I suppose it's possible that he doesn't actually want a relationship with you, but still has feelings to the point that he's having a jealous reaction to the attention you receive. In which case, yeah, he's a bitch and you shouldn't deal with him. What are the difficulties on his end preventing a real relationship ? The question is does he want to be with you, but can't ? or does he just not want it, but "likes" you enough that he's still feeling jealous... Ask him if you don't know; straighten him out...
Author traceym Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Really, some of you are looking at this as if he's just some cocky dickhead ? What could he possibly have to gain from that..? Unless he's truly sadistic, there's pretty obviously motivation behind his actions that isn't simply "I want to hurt my friend, it gives me pleasure." I'd say there are two possibilities. The first being the rather rhetorical, almost-definitely-not-the-case one... A) He's just a douchebag who enjoys hurting his friend. B) It's a game he's playing for a combination of reasons likely involving a desire to be with you romantically (regardless of what technicalities may be preventing it) and some jealousy/oneupmanship type sh*t about seeing you hit on. If not one of those, I suppose it's possible that he doesn't actually want a relationship with you, but still has feelings to the point that he's having a jealous reaction to the attention you receive. In which case, yeah, he's a bitch and you shouldn't deal with him. What are the difficulties on his end preventing a real relationship ? The question is does he want to be with you, but can't ? or does he just not want it, but "likes" you enough that he's still feeling jealous... Ask him if you don't know; straighten him out... Finally, some empathetic advice not telling me to jump to rash conclusions. Look, Im not naive and Im not attracted to guys who treat me badly. Im on this site to get advice from people who are not in my inner circle who perhaps have had experience with this or to get some insight into the male mind from a male. The guy I am talking about is in the process of getting divorced. It has dragged on for ages but there is no love lost between him and his wife - she had an affair for years and they eventually just grew apart and fell out of love with each other. Ive asked him that we wait till his divorce is over before we continue with anything. We have been great friends since but there is a lot of physical attraction that we dont act on, which is very hard. Im just dumbfounded by his sudden behaviour. He might be acting like a douche now but he has a big heart and doesnt (normally) get a thrill out of hurting his friends. I know he is attracted to me which leaves me to think that he's playing games with me. Why, I dont know yet.
Keenly Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I'm not trying to ridicule you, I call it like I see it. If you want him, ask him to be exclusive with you. If you don't like this behavior and consider it an insta-dealbreaker , then you should probably tell him.
Author traceym Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 So we havent been speaking to each other since the last time we had a fight and last night I went out with my friends, he arrived at the same place, knowing I would be there, gave me the cold shoulder, I greeted him and had fun with my friends for the rest of the night without chatting to him again and then left without saying goodbye. But I could see he was watching me the whole night and he really looked like he wasnt having fun. It seems he only has the confidence to chat up girls when Im with him. The games people play.
Taramere Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) Its not just the strong physical attraction, we are also very good friends. And he's never treated me with disrespect before, in fact he's always been a gentleman. He's just all of a sudden trying to make me jealous, which he has never done before. And I feel that because I made a scene the first time, he got the reaction he wanted and the second time was so blatantly obvious that he was trying to get a rise out of me. Maybe, he's just going through something at the moment because he's behaviour is very bizarre. He's probably been reading "treat her mean, keep her keen" advice on the internet and is trying it out on you. I'd tell you to react in a way that will acquaint him with the pointlessness of trying to play such games on you, but it sounds like you already have it covered... he arrived at the same place, knowing I would be there, gave me the cold shoulder, I greeted him and had fun with my friends for the rest of the night without chatting to him again and then left without saying goodbye. But I could see he was watching me the whole night and he really looked like he wasn't having fun. It seems he only has the confidence to chat up girls when I'm with him. The games people play I think you have his measure. As for asking him to be exclusive...no offence to Keenly, but I think you'd be a bit silly to do that. Rewarding that kind of game playing with "I like you, please be mine exclusively" sounds like a good way to set yourself up for a whole lot of passive aggressive crap from him in the future. You'd be better off looking for a more secure sort of guy. People who expend effort trying to provoke jealousy from others often have a problem with jealousy themselves. It can be a bit poisonous to be around. Edited May 4, 2013 by Taramere
Author traceym Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 He's probably been reading "treat her mean, keep her keen" advice on the internet and is trying it out on you. I'd tell you to react in a way that will acquaint him with the pointlessness of trying to play such games on you, but it sounds like you already have it covered... I think you have his measure. As for asking him to be exclusive...no offence to Keenly, but I think you'd be a bit silly to do that. Rewarding that kind of game playing with "I like you, please be mine exclusively" sounds like a good way to set yourself up for a whole lot of passive aggressive crap from him in the future. You'd be better off looking for a more secure sort of guy. People who expend effort trying to provoke jealousy from others often have a problem with jealousy themselves. It can be a bit poisonous to be around. Yeah, I have this covered..on the surface... but on the inside my heart is breaking. It just hurts that I mean so little to him after all this time and that he can be so insensitive to my feelings and jeapordise our friendship/relationship to play games that are so unnecessary. I suppose I need to take my rose-tinted goggles off and be strong the next time he comes knocking at my door.
BoneyHadger Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I've been seeing this guy on and off for over a year now. Right now, we’re just “friends” due to certain complications from his side What are said complications? That said, I'm leaning to the side that he may be a manipulative one.
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