candie13 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I guess him telling me to invite someone is a sign of disinterest. All good though, I will live You got that wrong . You got a few things wrong, if you may . Allow me to give you my feedback on your posts and generally on your thread. I believe you have not dated in a while - a year, maybe? That means two things: no 1. you lack practice (at least recent practice) and no 2. you are vulnerable, due to a past emotional trauma. Be very very careful, if you decide to start dating. It is a decision, because it means you need to start to be careful. I know a lot of people will tell you that it needs to come naturally, etc. I say "No". While there are for sure good men out there, there are also a lot of jerks. And those skilled jerks can smell a vulnerable female from miles. Sorry, but getting a girl drunk to get into her pants is the oldest trick in the book. It works every single time, especially if the bastards gets to enter her close circle of friends, where she feels safe, where she's got her guard down, sort to speak. It doesn't mean that you get absolution from your ONS. It only means you were fooled into sex. It happened to me as well (I had the right to a "allow me to initiate you into the world of cocktails", impressive how idiot I could be to say "yes", ain't it?). It happened to you. Sh*t happens. You need to learn what your weak spots are, in order not to let anyone pray you! Not unless you want to, of course. As for what Mark thinks... that is irrelevant. If those people close to you are your real friends and he talks to them, he will find you about the type of person you are. And if he prefers to judge you after one ONS, that is his issue completely. The only person you need to care about is yourself, these days. You may have stopped dating for one year, but unfortunately, this does not mean you are healed. Or strong. You still have a long long way to go, in order to get there. And because you are vulnerable, you had a ONS and you've discovered that guy was a jerk, that means you're even more shaky. Again, take your time and be patient with yourself. I sort of think you really should not be dating for a while, until you get your confidence back up. Until you get to accept that the ONS is not the end of the world, it happened, but it's in the past. It's part of your emotional baggage and not representative if whom you are. Ok, now this Mark situation. If he was not interested, he would have invited you to the bbq, but would not have continued the conversation. You have male friends, right? It's like they pay per letter, the texts they send, haha! And his remark "feel free to invite anyone" is a line one says to see if the other person is seeing anyone or not. He may think you're seeing the ONS guy, he's got no way of knowing the details. you could reply "you're a nice friend. do you like tall blondes or short red hairs, to know which of my gfs to bring with me ;)". The girls should not be the same type as you - you are brunette, right? Maybe it's too aggressive for your style of conversation, but the idea is to through the ball back into his court and make him laugh. I meant it when I said you should not obsess over him. That's another sign of your vulnerability. Try to relax and have fun. And please, don't behave like a nun, there's no red letter tattooed on your forehead! What if this guy is extremely liberal and actually likes you for you? For your personality and hot body and isn't really that bothered about the other loser? The trick to making other people love and accept you is to love and accept yourself! So be your lovely self and stop hiding in that shell of yours! cheers, girl! 7
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Candie, that meant so much to me thank you. Been two years since my breakup, saw him last July. I know I am 100% over him, but still insecure around men. I overthink things too much, and this week I have seen friends lose parents, my managers cancer returned. And I just think, **** it. I will take the risk of getting hurt, as life can be taken away any second. Sorry for the deep reply lol. Your comment really cheered me up. My friends all know I am a romantic and not a party girl, and they will tell him that. Hopefully in a few weeks I can show him that I am a down to Earth girl who is girlfriend material. Thank you so much x 3
candie13 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 girl, you are girlfriend material! You don't need to show him anything... except for maybe some bedroom eyes, for him to understand you're cool for him to start chasin' ! I really do think you're cool. Please don't apologize for deep replies, you are 100% right to make the most of every single minute of your life. Not in a suicidal, dramatic way, but in a genuine, true way! It's ok to be a party girl, from time to time, it means you're not boring. IMO, as long as you embrace the impulsive, party girl Buttercup as well as the deep, over-thinking girl Buttercup and the romantic, dreamy girl Buttercup, you'll gain that balance, and maybe the public opinion will stop being so important or matter so much to you.
MidwestUSA Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Awesome post, candie. Sweet, supportive and logical. Thanks, a good read for all! 1
Archgirl Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Hii B!! You are overthinking it babe And please don't message him. He's a dude, he prolly hasn't messaged because there is no reason to - he's seeing you at the BBQ. You know how many guys don't see the point in texting for no reason/just to touch base/feel close. It likely has nothing to do with hooking up with good-kisser. You're 28, who the hell hasn't had a bit of one-night fun here and there?!?! What kind of guy that age would see that as a reason not to go after a chick he liked? Not one I would want thats for damn sure - no sexually judgemental ash0les for me please!! So don't worry about him until the BBQ where you can get your flirt on and charm him into submission. And please be careful of giving your self-worth/esteem over to this guys approval - remember you are the prize, not him. xoxoxo 3
Archgirl Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) I guess him telling me to invite someone is a sign of disinterest. All good though, I will live Or he meant bring a friend so you feel comfortable/so my single buddy can meet her. Babydoll!! Stop freakin out and finding the most negative possible interpretation - you'll make yourself miserable. Remember you weren't even attracted to him at first - it was his interest that attracted you. He ain't the last man on earth or the last one that will be interested in you. And please please stop messaging him, read that thingy on contacting guys you printed last time Edited May 3, 2013 by Archgirl 2
jakelongot Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I wish you all the luck with the Mark guy, but don't get too much in your head. Your only real interactions with him are the one night in the bar and a few text messages back and forth. I'm not saying he couldn't turn out to be a great guy and you guys would be great together, but you are building up this ideal vision basically based on your friend talking him up. Give it a chance to develop into something by spending some time together and forming your own opinion. You know when you were a kid and really wanted some toy or something...you waited and waited and finally got it and then it didn't turn out to be as great as you thought it would be? I'm just saying you really don't know the guy yet and it would be a bummer to get your hopes up thinking that "he is the one" without even knowing him. Good luck! 1
snowflakes88 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 If I were a guy, it would be Ok for me to have a ons. I don't think this is true. If I met a guy out and later found out he went home and had a ONS w/ someone else in the group that I knew--even peripherally--my interest would dissipate.
StarsOnFire Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Or he meant bring a friend so you feel comfortable/so my single buddy can meet her. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too! Good luck with everything, don't rule yourself out yet! Have fun at the BBQ and take things from there!
outsidethebox Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Getting you and Mark to flirt with each other is a challenge. 1
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Or he meant bring a friend so you feel comfortable/so my single buddy can meet her. Babydoll!! Stop freakin out and finding the most negative possible interpretation - you'll make yourself miserable. Remember you weren't even attracted to him at first - it was his interest that attracted you. He ain't the last man on earth or the last one that will be interested in you. And please please stop messaging him, read that thingy on contacting guys you printed last time Haha yes, I over think and see the negative when it comes to dating. I will just wait and see, and you are right though, he is not the last man on Earth and if it does not work out, there will be someone else. 1
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Or he meant bring a friend so you feel comfortable/so my single buddy can meet her. Babydoll!! Stop freakin out and finding the most negative possible interpretation - you'll make yourself miserable. Remember you weren't even attracted to him at first - it was his interest that attracted you. He ain't the last man on earth or the last one that will be interested in you. And please please stop messaging him, read that thingy on contacting guys you printed last time Yeah, that's what I was thinking too! Good luck with everything, don't rule yourself out yet! Have fun at the BBQ and take things from there! Thank you
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Second page of the thread an you haven't said whether they know eachother and/or if Mark knows about it. If he knows, you're sunk. From a mans perspective, especially if they know eachother, I would be an instant turnoff; Even if yall just made out. Most men operate this way. I don't know if it's instinct or what. I started to like my former roommates ex when I met her. Once they started dating, every ounce of attraction I had for her vaporized instantly. There was no jealousy or anything. I think they know each other, but are not friends. I do understand that it would be off putting, but my friend has talked about me a lot to him. In the end, it happened and even though ONS make people look like they can not be faithful and are cheap, I know who I am and never will apologize for being me. I will see him soon and if he is put off, well then I will live with it.
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I wish you all the luck with the Mark guy, but don't get too much in your head. Your only real interactions with him are the one night in the bar and a few text messages back and forth. I'm not saying he couldn't turn out to be a great guy and you guys would be great together, but you are building up this ideal vision basically based on your friend talking him up. Give it a chance to develop into something by spending some time together and forming your own opinion. You know when you were a kid and really wanted some toy or something...you waited and waited and finally got it and then it didn't turn out to be as great as you thought it would be? I'm just saying you really don't know the guy yet and it would be a bummer to get your hopes up thinking that "he is the one" without even knowing him. Good luck! Thanks, I agree. I am trying to just stay cool and wait till we meet again. It is easy to get excited about something like that and make up things in your head.
BoneyHadger Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 What's the deal about unfaithfulness? You just met Mark the same night as ONS guy, right? Not like you were in LTR and just cheated. But there IS a problem with that situation, and it's an ego thing. I mean, I've had similar thing happen to me. There was a girl, supposedly interested in me, there was a party, I was there, she was there, there were other people. We were talking for a bit, then she disappeared off my radar. As I've found out later, she was spending most of that time with another guy and they left together. We were there, we could've interacted and get to know each other better, but instead she chose to do the same, but with another guy? Surely, she must like me very much, riiiiiiight? She in fact called me the next day and set something up, but I was already pretty cynical about the thing. Agreed, but gave her a hard time. Went out with her, not much happened, she seemed to want it, but I was pretty cold. Long story short, I ended up LJBF'ing her later. Then again, we don't know Mark's real intentions towards you. Maybe he's like me, maybe he just treats you as a friend all along, because he just wants to meet new people. I mean, it is a possibility too, isn't it?
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 What's the deal about unfaithfulness? You just met Mark the same night as ONS guy, right? Not like you were in LTR and just cheated. But there IS a problem with that situation, and it's an ego thing. I mean, I've had similar thing happen to me. There was a girl, supposedly interested in me, there was a party, I was there, she was there, there were other people. We were talking for a bit, then she disappeared off my radar. As I've found out later, she was spending most of that time with another guy and they left together. We were there, we could've interacted and get to know each other better, but instead she chose to do the same, but with another guy? Surely, she must like me very much, riiiiiiight? She in fact called me the next day and set something up, but I was already pretty cynical about the thing. Agreed, but gave her a hard time. Went out with her, not much happened, she seemed to want it, but I was pretty cold. Long story short, I ended up LJBF'ing her later. Then again, we don't know Mark's real intentions towards you. Maybe he's like me, maybe he just treats you as a friend all along, because he just wants to meet new people. I mean, it is a possibility too, isn't it? I agree, he might just want to be friends. Won't know until I see him. Sorry about the girl btw.
BoneyHadger Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 No worries, it's been a few years and in fact I wasn't ever really broken about not working out. Suggests it was a good thing it didn't. Anyway, yes, don't worry too much about that either, when you two will meet, you'll get your answers. 1
candie13 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Long story short, I ended up LJBF'ing her later. what's the abbreviation?
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I think I have been thinking too much about this, my friend says that he is a very friendly guy, who obviously he just being nice to me. Must learn that just because a guy is nice to me, does not mean he is interested
Archgirl Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I think I have been thinking too much about this, my friend says that he is a very friendly guy, who obviously he just being nice to me. Must learn that just because a guy is nice to me, does not mean he is interested Beeeee! Stop it!!! You know what you are doing and just stop it! He is interested to some degree. Quit looking for the negative and bashing your own self esteem! Please please read that thingy on self-worth and dating - I can't find the post any more It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Not even one little bit. You are you. You are awesome. If he can't see that his bloody loss and you don't freakin want him anyway! Right? Fist bump on it?
BoneyHadger Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 what's the abbreviation? LJBF = Let's just be friends. I think I have been thinking too much about this, my friend says that he is a very friendly guy, who obviously he just being nice to me. Must learn that just because a guy is nice to me, does not mean he is interested Of course. But then again, you do think too much about this. Quick, here's a cute video of a kitten massaging another one: 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 let this be a lesson to all nice guys everywhere. being a jerk pays. Yeah, pretty much.
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 let this be a lesson to all nice guys everywhere. being a jerk pays. Nope. I was not really into him when we met, I actually started to like him ( the douche) after realizing that we have so much in common and could talk about nerdy stuff and we love the same music. With nice guys, we never know if they like us or not. It is great that they are respectful and all, but sometimes we wonder if they are just being nice to us. Plus he and I are best man and MOH, so we naturally were talking more. Normally I stay away from these kind of guys anyway, I much prefer nerdy, sweet and romantic guys. Just never dated one ! haha.
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 LJBF = Let's just be friends. Of course. But then again, you do think too much about this. Quick, here's a cute video of a kitten massaging another one: Haha thanks.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Nope. I was not really into him when we met, I actually started to like him ( the douche) after realizing that we have so much in common and could talk about nerdy stuff and we love the same music. With nice guys, we never know if they like us or not. It is great that they are respectful and all, but sometimes we wonder if they are just being nice to us. Plus he and I are best man and MOH, so we naturally were talking more. Normally I stay away from these kind of guys anyway, I much prefer nerdy, sweet and romantic guys. Just never dated one ! haha. If you've never dated nerdy, sweet, romantic guys....then you don't actually prefer them. Personally, I've been both the bad boy and the nice guy. Bad boy works much better.
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