Reality sucks....

[GreySkyMorning]

Havent updated my story on here for a little while, so here goes. We had been talking, small talk, for the last week or so. We were going to attempt to be "friends" still. Mostly, it had been very one sided. Again, me putting myself out there and him just coasting along.

 

Monday was just a horrible day for me emotionally. Actually, every day since we'd been talking again had been getting worse and worse. But that day was particularly bad, one of those days where you don't really get out of bed and all you do is cry. And he knew it was a bad one for me. Pulled myself together and went to work that night.

 

All i thought about all night was how this man is not my friend. I KNOW that, yet i keep trying and hoping for more. I came home Tuesday morning, exchanged a couple of texts with him, then said I was going to bed. When I woke up, I was still so down. I didn't contact him right away like I always did. I honestly couldn't handle talking to him right then.

 

Guess what? I haven't heard from him since. I kept putting off texting him and he certainly never texted me. Not one word. For all his friendly concern about my wellbeing, not one word. This man is not my friend, never was and never will be. He has no concern for how I am. If he did, he would have said something by now. Hr knows how bad a shape I was in Monday. I don't understand how things go from "I love you so much, I want to be with you, you're so important to me" to not even a single word to say "are you ok".

[TaraMaiden]

Two Words:

 

No

 

Contact.

 

Read my signature, don't settle for 'friendship' (it can't be done) and accept no breadcrumbs (it happens all the time).

 

Read the Guide.

 

And implement it.

 

Can I ask why you haven't, so far....?

[GreySkyMorning]

Two Words:

 

No

 

Contact.

 

Read my signature, don't settle for 'friendship' (it can't be done) and accept no breadcrumbs (it happens all the time).

 

Read the Guide.

 

And implement it.

 

Can I ask why you haven't, so far....?

Because I'm human and still hoped that somehow things would be different? He was my whole world for two years. I loved him for 18-19 years. I believed I meant something to him and that he really loved me. I don't think anyone just wakes up immediately and decides to walk away. I think its human nature to hope. So, it sometimes takes a few hard blows to get it through.

[TaraMaiden]

The sad thing is, he decided to walk away....

 

I realise NC is difficult to implement.

But someone referred to NC as cold-turkey addiction-withdrawal for the heart.

And they're absolutely right - it is.

 

Hanging on by your fingernails is a natural instinct - but one you know, at the back of your mind, is simply desperation.

 

I'm sorry for your loss - and it IS exactly like a bereavement.

 

But hopefully, we can all help you move through it.

 

[Its_MEE]

 

This man is not my friend, never was and never will be. He has no concern for how I am. If he did, he would have said something by now. Hr knows how bad a shape I was in Monday. I don't understand how things go from "I love you so much, I want to be with you, you're so important to me" to not even a single word to say "are you ok".

 

Today I day one of NC for me... (Even though we work together)... And the quote above is describing what I'm feeling exactly!i mean we will see if my MM contacts me but i WILL NOT. like you said... You say how u cried yesterday.. You cried yesterday... If you LOVE me so much... And I'm your BFF... How can you do this? I know I'm providing no comfort but as I am a new member to the "club" I am realizing.. Our situations are all very "similar". I hope the best for you... I hope you feel better. Hugs your way.

[DelusionalOne]

GSM.... You can't be friends... Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. He's gone now because he got what HE needed... As usual. By being his friend you absolves him of any guilt he was feeling. He can't be a bad guy and you must be over it if you can be his friend, right?

 

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I truly understand your pain. Please wall away from him or you are always going to feel like this and he's not worth it.

[GreySkyMorning]

The sad thing is, he decided to walk away....

 

I realise NC is difficult to implement.

But someone referred to NC as cold-turkey addiction-withdrawal for the heart.

And they're absolutely right - it is.

 

Hanging on by your fingernails is a natural instinct - but one you know, at the back of your mind, is simply desperation.

 

I'm sorry for your loss - and it IS exactly like a bereavement.

 

But hopefully, we can all help you move through it.

 

You're exactly right. He did walk away. Its just like everyone says on here. When dday came, if he really loved me, he had the option to say right then and there that he loved me and wanted to be with me if he really did. He made his choice and it wasn't me. And really, it wasnt the first time he'd had the option. Quite a while back, she asked him point blank if he wanted a divorce. He told her no, but that he thought thats where they were headed. No one knew about me then. He could have walked away at that point and it would have never had to be like this. IF he really wanted me. I was actually nuts enough to hang on for almost a year and half AFTER that exchange, hoping he'd finally choose me. Really, he made his choice every single day, didnt he? I used to get so frustrated at him when I would be so lonely and want him so much. I would say that I wanted him in my bed that night. He'd always say he wanted to be there too. My mind would scream at me that if thats really what he wanted, he'd be there. It was always his decision to not be there. That was a choice he consciously made every single day.

 

I know that NC is the right thing for me. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though. There is a reason I was getting worse every day we were in contact again. I don't really want to hear how he's working on being happy and that he's fixing things in his marriage or any of that. Honestly, I want to know that he's as miserable as I am. But that's not the case. He was my whole world, but I was just a little part of his, and a part he can easily do without.

 

I really wish I could completely wipe him from my memory. I'd do it in a heartbeat if that were an option. Unfortunately, he's in every memory I have right now. He used to hold that over my head. After everything went bad, I told him a couple of times that I wished I could just forget him. He responded that he never wanted to forget me. Was that supposed to be some kind of jab that he loved me more than I did him? That was certainly the way he said it. He liked to say that he never intentionally hurt me. I finally told him that when it comes to a point where you know what you are doing is hurting someone and you continue, then yes, its intentional.

 

He even threw it in my face that he'd tried to end it several times and that I wouldn't let him. Everytime, it was because I'd gotten so fed up with the situation and I'D try to walk away. I would try to end it on some kind of peaceful note and he'd always lash out at me the next day or so about how bad I'd treated him or a million other wrongs I'd done. Then its like I would fight to defend myself and before I knew it, I was groveling begging him to forgive me.

 

I want to hate him so bad. I want to be able to be angry at him. And at other times, I want to be able to not even care that he exists.

[seren]

GreySkyMorning, I have no advice, just that it really, really hurts to find out that your (general) reality is not as real as was thought. I am truly sorry that you are finding this out and that you are hurting, I hope that each day gets better for you, your post read as being written by someone who felt lost and I can relate to having felt that. Take care, be kind to yourself and I hope you find peace sooner rather than later.

[MissBee]

Havent updated my story on here for a little while, so here goes. We had been talking, small talk, for the last week or so. We were going to attempt to be "friends" still. Mostly, it had been very one sided. Again, me putting myself out there and him just coasting along.

 

Monday was just a horrible day for me emotionally. Actually, every day since we'd been talking again had been getting worse and worse. But that day was particularly bad, one of those days where you don't really get out of bed and all you do is cry. And he knew it was a bad one for me. Pulled myself together and went to work that night.

 

All i thought about all night was how this man is not my friend. I KNOW that, yet i keep trying and hoping for more. I came home Tuesday morning, exchanged a couple of texts with him, then said I was going to bed. When I woke up, I was still so down. I didn't contact him right away like I always did. I honestly couldn't handle talking to him right then.

 

Guess what? I haven't heard from him since. I kept putting off texting him and he certainly never texted me. Not one word. For all his friendly concern about my wellbeing, not one word. This man is not my friend, never was and never will be. He has no concern for how I am. If he did, he would have said something by now. Hr knows how bad a shape I was in Monday. I don't understand how things go from "I love you so much, I want to be with you, you're so important to me" to not even a single word to say "are you ok".

 

It's a blessing in disguise.

 

You can't be friends.

 

Him texting "Are you ok?" wouldn't really help anything, as you yourself have realized each day of this "friendship" makes you feel worst. My exAP and I are friends now but COULD NOT at the time of us breaking up. I and none of my exes could be friends immediately. Everything they did or didn't do upset me and the truth is, it was only because of my feelings and I was still expecting the gf treatment and not the friends treatment.

 

If you think about how you act with platonic friends and what you get upset about and compare it to exMM and realize you hold him to a different/higher standard...suffice it to say, you can't be friends and I'd actually go with his cue of not texting as much. Maybe he's a huge jerk likewise, maybe he also realizes the friend thing is impossible so responds when you initiate but has trouble initiating himself.

 

Who ended it?

[MissBee]

GSM.... You can't be friends... Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. He's gone now because he got what HE needed... As usual. By being his friend you absolves him of any guilt he was feeling. He can't be a bad guy and you must be over it if you can be his friend, right?

 

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I truly understand your pain. Please wall away from him or you are always going to feel like this and he's not worth it.

 

Ughh!

 

Reminds me of a Law & Order episode I was watching last night, where frat boys were raping girls at parties, and then the next day after raping them, they'd text them asking to go on a date (on the advice of the effed up security admin at the school). The idea was to assuage their guilt and also prevent them from going to jail, because according to the admin, if you asked for a date and it was really rape, they would say no. Yet that's a lie, if you've been raped by someone you know, you're hurt, emotionally confused and even question if maybe you wanted it/it was consensual, so texting about a date, girls will latch on to it because they feel like well maybe this person really cares about me, and it wasn't rape. IDK, but what you said reminded me of that. Where if she agrees to be friends, he's not a bad guy and doesn't have to feel guilty, as why else would she want to be friends if he was so terrible. So that "friendship" is for HIM and probably so she won't go bunny boiler and tell his wife.

[Feb]

Grey -- keep reading these boards and you will find stories so similar to yours and they all have the same outcome. Trying to continue the friendship will only make things worse because you are unsure as the status of your relationship. Calling it off now (whether you articulate to him or not) will hurt A LOT ... but then you will start to heal, and start to see clarity on the situation. You are on Day One. I am on Day 9. I am feeling 1000 times better than a week ago. Do I still think about him? Of course. Am i still hurt? Yep. But I can count my blessings that this finally ended and I can move on. I'm eating normally again and my stomach is not in knots. Not only am I not crying over him, I probably can't even make myself cry if I wanted to.

 

Like you, my xAP was a co-worker. I thought we were friends too! We went back to being friends a couple of times, but I always ended up in his car for some physical connection. Like you, he never rejected me, but he didn't pursue me either. If I asked to meet him somewhere he would, but he would never initiate it. I would always text him first ... he would never text me. I can look back on this now and see how humiliating this relationship was. I can also compare it to my real friendships with other co-workers or friends. Do real friends not text you back when you reach out to them? Do you have a one-sided relationship with your other friends? Would a real friend let you hurt this much and not reach out? No? Ok, then he is not your friend. I knew things were bad when my acquaintances (I wouldn't even call them friends), were contacting me more than my xAP.

 

 

I know how you are feeling though. While the logical part of my brain does not want to hear from him, my ego would love for him to reach out to me. I am past the stage though, where I am constantly looking at my phone for affirmation. That's a big milestone for me. Please stay on these boards and tell us how you are doing next week. If you remain NC, I'm sure you will have a lot to say!

[thefooloftheyear]

Sorry you are hurting....

 

The unfortunate reality is that if nothing can materialize, then there really isnt any point in contact. Like others have stated, friendships after the fact are usually detrimental..

 

Fact is while you might think he doesnt care by thye fact that he isnt contacting, he could easily be struggling just like you are, maybe even worse. He might not want to initiate contact because he knows it cant go any further so he doesnt want to hurt more than he already is...

 

 

TFY

[DelusionalOne]

 

Fact is while you might think he doesnt care by thye fact that he isnt contacting, he could easily be struggling just like you are, maybe even worse. He might not want to initiate contact because he knows it cant go any further so he doesnt want to hurt more than he already is...

 

 

TFY

 

I am not trying to be jerky...really. But you don't really believe this do you?

MHO... I think this is so far from what really happens.

[whichwayisup]

GS, you keep trying a friendship with him and it's not working! He doesn't care either way, somehow he's able to detach and separate, go on and do as he pleases and not give you much thought. Continuing on is just asking him to continue to stick a knife in your heart. Why do hang on? Have hopes and expectations? Reality is, this isn't working..You're hurting all the time and thinking of him 24/7, it's affecting your emotions, consuming you thinking and wondering, hurting etc.. Just stop!

 

Don't be afraid of totally ending it and feeling pain. You're in pain now, so ending it will just be the finality of it all. For good. Don't let fear of not hearing from anymore prevent you from walking away. The man serves no purpose in your life anymore..All it brings is pain and heartache.

 

I hope you soon can end it and let yourself truly begin the grieving process.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Grey. You posted a few weeks ago about what are you really losing with your MM. And... I related to it SO SO well. And, I still relate to just about everything you post. I'll sit back all the time and think to myself.... "does he really even know me as well as I'd like to think he does" ... and just feeling like I'm always giving so much more. And when they say nothing-- how do you go from one extreme to other. But, the thing is-- and something I have to start realizing. We have to pay attention to their ACTIONS. I know you hear it all the time, but I have to remind myself of that.

I've yet to find the strength to walk away from my MM, but I'm getting there-- at least-- I know every reason I should. And sometimes he reminds me himself by acting like yours has.

Keep your head up. We are here.

"Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?"

 

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them."

[BrokenPrincess]

You're exactly right. He did walk away. Its just like everyone says on here. When dday came, if he really loved me, he had the option to say right then and there that he loved me and wanted to be with me if he really did. He made his choice and it wasn't me. And really, it wasnt the first time he'd had the option. Quite a while back, she asked him point blank if he wanted a divorce. He told her no, but that he thought thats where they were headed. No one knew about me then. He could have walked away at that point and it would have never had to be like this. IF he really wanted me. I was actually nuts enough to hang on for almost a year and half AFTER that exchange, hoping he'd finally choose me. Really, he made his choice every single day, didnt he? I used to get so frustrated at him when I would be so lonely and want him so much. I would say that I wanted him in my bed that night. He'd always say he wanted to be there too. My mind would scream at me that if thats really what he wanted, he'd be there. It was always his decision to not be there. That was a choice he consciously made every single day.

 

I know that NC is the right thing for me. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though. There is a reason I was getting worse every day we were in contact again. I don't really want to hear how he's working on being happy and that he's fixing things in his marriage or any of that. Honestly, I want to know that he's as miserable as I am. But that's not the case. He was my whole world, but I was just a little part of his, and a part he can easily do without.

 

I really wish I could completely wipe him from my memory. I'd do it in a heartbeat if that were an option. Unfortunately, he's in every memory I have right now. He used to hold that over my head. After everything went bad, I told him a couple of times that I wished I could just forget him. He responded that he never wanted to forget me. Was that supposed to be some kind of jab that he loved me more than I did him? That was certainly the way he said it. He liked to say that he never intentionally hurt me. I finally told him that when it comes to a point where you know what you are doing is hurting someone and you continue, then yes, its intentional.

 

He even threw it in my face that he'd tried to end it several times and that I wouldn't let him. Everytime, it was because I'd gotten so fed up with the situation and I'D try to walk away. I would try to end it on some kind of peaceful note and he'd always lash out at me the next day or so about how bad I'd treated him or a million other wrongs I'd done. Then its like I would fight to defend myself and before I knew it, I was groveling begging him to forgive me.

 

I want to hate him so bad. I want to be able to be angry at him. And at other times, I want to be able to not even care that he exists.

 

Oh GreySky, this made me start crying. Expecially in your initial post "Again, me putting myself out there and him just coasting along."

 

I have no advice because I am in a similar boat. Two months of this pseudo friendship. This morning I was still feeling mad about his avoidance of planning when we might see each other, so I finally grew a pair and told him (well emailed him) and asked him what the deal was, why was he avoiding the subject, and that I feel like he's not making any effort.

 

Guess what? He read the email about an hour later and here we are 7 hours later and no response. We only talk during office hours and today's Friday, so I guess that's it for his response. I feel desparate and rejected and hurt and angry and disappointed and I can't even think of all the bad adjectives to describe it.

 

It hurts so $%^& bad. I wish I could cry for hours & hours right now but I am trying to hold it together in front of my H and family.

 

I have resisted from sending another light-hearted email to bring back the happy vibe but it's so tempting. I wish I wouldn't have said anything to begin with today and we couldve just had a normal nice Friday chatting before the weekend

 

I hope you've been able to stay strong today

[thefooloftheyear]

I am not trying to be jerky...really. But you don't really believe this do you?

MHO... I think this is so far from what really happens.

 

All I will say is that you are wrong....

 

 

The truth of the matter is just because the XMM decided to stay in the M, that doesnt immediately mean that he doesnt love or really want to be with the AP. Who knows? I guess he'd have to comment on that and we dont have that luxury. So is it fair to just then assume that he is at home saying.."whew, glad I got out of THAT deal"..No one really knows but that individual..

 

 

I know its de rigueur in this section of this site to assume thet every single individual follows some sort of EMA "manual" like an automaton..

 

Think about it..If the affair is in fact "over" and there isn't any possible way of continuing it, then why the hell should the xMM contact the person? To torture them with false hope? Further smash their hopes? Maybe he is being somewhat considerate by not initiating contact as to not making an already bad situation worse. I would imagine the more he cares about the AP, the more its going to hurt him to talk/communicate so its a self preservation move on his part as well....

 

If it makes someone feel better empowered to get over someone by assuming the Xmm is a d-bag that never loved them-so be it. But just realize the opposite might also be true and he might be awake at night thinking that not leaving the M is the biggest regret he will ever have endured...

 

Thats the point I am trying to make...Its true-these things are NOT all the same. Your results can and will vary...

 

TFY

Edited May 3, 2013 by thefooloftheyear