box84 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) I have loved her for 6 years. I have loved her more than I have loved in anyone in this world. I told her no matter what I would never leave her. Whether we were together or not, I would stay. She has issues. She knows she has issues. I have always worried about her, wanted her to be better. Remained at her side. Through everything. Through her lying, her cheating, her absence, her meanness, her callousness, her disregard, her disrespect and now her mistreatment. She screwed over. She has done it again and again and again. Recently, after many lies and false promises, she chose to sacrifice me for another. Told me she was confused/conflicted. But cut me away the minute "they" might be in jeopardy because of this. She has passively shown me just how much more important and valuable he is after all. All while keeping me in the dark. She doesn't talk me much anymore. Ten percent of calls/texts are returned. Ten percent at the most. I have asked her if it would be better if I left her life. She tells me no, to stay. To stay to have her ignore me? Treat me like I am nothing? Why can't she just tell me to go--why? Stay. I love her. So how am I supposed to walk away? I promised I would never do that. But right now the hurt is unbearable. Edited May 2, 2013 by box84
Thames Dweller Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 i know how your feeling buddy! you need to move on, she doesnt care, doesnt want to fight for you and just wants you as a safety blanket/crutch. your her mr reliable. you need to practice distance. its tough because you love her but she needs to understand her actions have consequences. she will think of you and miss you at times but not enough to do anything about it because she doesnt love you. know one who loves someone behaves the way describe with someone they love. and any love that isnt reciprocated hurts because its rejection and dismissive. you can and will heal but only if you want to move on. be bold and brave and think of number one. you can rest assured she's not giving you much thought. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You have a choice. Lather, rinse, repeat, or Leave, mend, live. Which do you think would benefit you most? Then take that option. 2
Author box84 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Thank you for the wise words. One more question-if its obviously that she doesn't love me, has no real care to talk me anymore, spend time with me, have me in her life anymore--why the games? Why not just tell me directly? What could she possibly get from that at this point?
TaraMaiden Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 They're called 'breadcrumbs.' Here's the low-down (This is from the No Contact Guide, link in my signature, but I have added to it, so it's not identical): The question is: Why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed. If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180. "I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?" Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain. See, every time a Dumper feels a glimmer of guilt, remorse or even just egoistic curiosity, they will contact the Dumpee to alleviate the guilt, soften the remorse and satisfy the egoistic curiosity. If the Dumpee replies - under any of the above three provisos - the Dumper feels a whole lot better. Guilt - not so great, because if you're talking to them, you can't be hurting that bad, can you? Remorse - They did the right thing, it's ok, you're willing to be a friend in the Friend-zone.... Egoistic curiosity - "Does s/he still think of me? Do I figure enough for them to reply?" All designed to make THEM feel better. Not the Dumpee. Breadcrumbs = any little thing to make you think they're missing you, whereas in fact they want to make sure you still miss them. The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again. Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone The secret is to ignore everything. totally. Blank it all off. Close every and any avenue they might take to try to get in touch. Block, delete, deny. Even if it means actually changing all your details - including your 'phone numbers. It can be done - it HAS been done. it's not strategically difficult at all. The only thing preventing it, would be your reluctance to sever the ties....
lavenderlove Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You cared about her, protected her, kept your promises and loved her with everything you've got. You deserve the same. Let her go and don't look back.
mbee Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I know exactly what you are going through. I'm there right now. My ex left me last week and I found out 2 days ago that he had emotionally cheated on me and was lying to me for awhile. I've done so much for him and he seemed so happy with us, even wanted to see a movie with me so he still be around me. He's written me emails and texts saying he loves, misses, thinking and is praying for me so it makes me feel so confused. Maybe he will come back to me, right? Maybe things will be the same? Maybe we'll cuddle, go for walks, make silly jokes, travel together and be doing the things we always did again. Even yesterday a few folks don't know we ended it and "liked" a picture of us during a sunset at the beach. Even though I want him back and affirmation that what we had was so beautiful to him, and most of my friends say he'll regret this and come back to me, there's two things I have to accept and I think you do too. 1. If he came back nothing would be the same. I would be unsure if his love is not like mine. He hurt me tremendously. He walked away from me. We'd have to go to counseling to even consider getting better. It would take at least a year for me to feel like he wont walk away the minute someone shows interest in him, even in his heart. 2. He might not even come back. I want him to so badly, but all these things are hypotheticals. At the end of the day, even if he writes me brief emails and texts of love, I may never see or hear his voice again unless I call. 3. I have to force myself to move on. It hurts so badly and I don't want to go to work or do anything. I'll hang out with friends to get a momentary escape but being at work just reminds me of how we'd talk during lunch breaks or how excited I would be to go home and he's always be there waiting for me. I can continue to suffer and kill myself with thoughts or know that I have no choice to move forward. 4. I may love him just as deeply for years and he may never come back, but people live through it somehow. A good friend here dealt with lying and cheating from her fiancee for 7 years. 2 years ago they broke up and she may still love him and think of him everyday, but she's in another relationship (she doesn't love him) and trying hard to cope with the fact that he may never back. I know this is hard to hear and I don't want to accept it. I replay in my mind him coming back to me. We were planning a trip through the South later this month and I keep thinking maybe he'll still want to go. But at the end of the day that's a huge optimistic thought right? If you ever want to talk about things, let me know. I'm going through this same exact thing and it does make me feel better giving you this advice. I know what's good for me but don't want to accept it. You probably feel the same way and we both probably will for a long time to come. Do NC, that might help a bit.
mbee Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Also one other thing and I'm sorry I'm using your question as a reason to vent and answer your questions. But another thing you need to accept is you'll never understand her reasoning, ever. Why did she let you go? How could she say those things and walk away? It felt so perfect. I found out about the other woman (who he's only had an online relationship) at the end of March. I broke up with him and he was so upset and said it was nothing, they were just friends, how much he loved me and couldn't live without me. That was 3 weeks before he broke up with me partially to be with this woman. Why did he do that? It made it more painful! The last 3 weeks together were beautiful. We saw Disney on Ice, visited botanical gardens together, went to the zoo and tried to make our weekends more romantic and they were. He'd surprise me with flowers and clues that were left around the apartment, leading to a note about how much he loved me. He's surprise me with dinners or show up at my job and have lunch with me for a surprise. We'd write each other texts and emails about how much we loved each other so much. We'd walk our two dogs together every evening and talk about the news, relationships, our future together. The day before we broke up he said he wanted to spend all day with me, and we worked out, walked the dogs, watched a couple of movies, had an awesome meal. The last movie we watched together was about a guy so hung up on this unattainable woman that he didn't even notice his true best friend always standing beside him. The day he broke up with me he woke up in the morning and wanted to make love, he cuddled me and was crying and told me they were tears of joy and he loved me so much. Then 30 minutes later he dumped me, and an hour and a half later he was angry, upset and the apartment was cleaned out of all his stuff. A week after that he told me he didn't think we should be together, that he loved me very much, but that I'm not good for him and deserve someone much better. And even as I cried, he still came over and hugged me and spent 10-15 minutes whispering in my ear about how much I meant to him. And now he's gone. I'll never understand these things! Never! And I think it's important that you understand that people act irrationally. Your ex is acting irrationally and throwing away something that could have been meaningful and special. Maybe the problems you mentioned are things she can't fix, at least in the future. Maybe once you separate yourself from her, you'll realize that and know that no matter how much you promised someone you'll always be there, that separation sometimes, just sometimes, makes people realize that they need to fix themselves and will help you become a better person. I love my ex and have spent the last week telling him that, sending him gifts, writing goodbye cards and corny stuff. My ex knows just like yours knows. But everyday I have to remind myself that my ex is broken and has some issues. He told me the night he left that all he will do is bring pain to my life, and that he wishes he could be the perfect person for me, but he isn't. And just like your ex, that's true. I think people can change and improve but sometimes your presence in their life doesn't help them. I'm trying really hard to do NC with my ex. I hope after the time we had together, that he'll regret all this and realize his past LTR before mine were full of pain (he was cheated on and lied to) and now he's doing this to me and that he has a problem with lying and deception. Sadly, healing for that other person often doesn't require us (the people who've been dumped and sometimes discarded). If you love her, do what's best for her and yourself, and leave. As long as you are around, she knows she can hurt you and leave whenever she wants. She also knows you can't move on, trust me she knows. It's hard to step away from someone you love and want to protect and be there for. But maybe once you step away she'll realize that she has some issues. She might not come back to you, but maybe she'll work on herself. Also, you'll have the time to move on and see that in a relationship you can't always play the protector. You need someone to be your crutch as well. You've stayed strong for this woman and she's going to be okay. It's time to leave and live your own life. My ex told me something a couple of days ago. He said no matter what, even if we don't talk or see each other, I'm always there for you. I may not be here but I am. I'm always thinking of you and praying for you and will be there for you no matter what. That totally messes with my mind, and in some ways I wish he didn't say it since it confuses me, BUT you can always tell her something similar. That way she knows she's in your heart and you have no ill feelings towards her. And then cut it off and see what the future brings. Anyway I apologize for the long rant and things for letting me vent while answering your question. I hope at least some of this helps! 1
youngnlove89 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You have a choice. Lather, rinse, repeat, or Leave, mend, live. Which do you think would benefit you most? Then take that option. You'd think after lathering, rinsing and repeated from 2 years I would have gotten rid of the scum (him). hehe Everyone can tell you the right thing to do, but you have to do what is right for you. Even if it's the wrong thing. Block. Delete. No contact. Turn Cold. Ignore. Yea, it's the right thing. Her treating you the way she is, is wrong. And you don't deserve that. But I've learned you have to make your own mistakes to learn from them.Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results. Do what works for you even if it isn't "right" because in the end you will do what you want to do. I know from my own experience. You spent 6 years with this girl, it WON'T be easy to just walk away. Sure, I'm PRO no contact and I think you should, but sometimes you can't reach that level till you have tried everything else, or you'll always be stuck wondering "what if" Once you know there is No other option, then NC comes naturally, because it will be all you got. BUT...if you must contact her, do it with class and don't act needy, jerkish or upset. Act like a man who doesn't Need her, but Wants her. I'm not saying you will get her back, because it's obvious you won't. And I'm not saying you should contact her because it's obvious you will. But I am saying that she has moved on, doesn't want to be with you and now you have to make that decision on whether you will stay and continue to be treated this way or realize you deserve more and move on. It's all in your hands.
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