My fiancee broke her promise, and now I can't stop feeling resentful...

[ian360]

Hello everybody,

 

I have been considering posting on here for some time now, but have been a bit reluctant to do it, thinking that in time I would feel better about my current situation. But I really feel that it's time that I had an outsider's perspective on this. I understand that reading this may take some time, and so I would like to thank you beforehand for giving up some of your precious time to read my story.

 

I'm not sure where to start so I'll try to keep it brief. My fiancee and I have been together for about five years. We originally met on the Internet when I was living in Australia and she was living in Poland. About 4 1/2 years ago I decided to come to Poland to meet her and things went well, so I got a job here and a flat etc. But after a year or so, she was still hiding the relationship from her parents, she didn't really have much time for me, and she became, at times, quite manipulative, so I decided to end the relationship. So for the next four months or so we were not together. She deeply regretted it and made a huge effort to improve her behaviour in order to get me back again. After a few months I figured I could trust her again, but I was still reluctant to get back together as I had decided I should return to Australia in the following few months in order to gain some better employment (I'm a schoolteacher). My girlfriend was still at university finishing her Masters degree, and would not finish until the summer of 2013, so she still had another three years of study to go. She really wanted me to stay in Poland with her, so she promised me that if I stayed with her until she had finished her masters degree, she would then come with me to Australia, and live with me there. After some thought, I agreed.

 

After this, things went really well, and in August 2011 we got engaged. It was an exciting time, (although her parents were a bit shocked when we told them as my girlfriend had been hiding the relationship from them for over 2 1/2 years, but I forced her to tell them the truth). So anyway, for the next few years the relationship went very well, but my work life was not so happy. I had problems with my boss, the pay was terrible, and the conditions too. I eventually left my job and opened my own language school (with the help of my fiancee), which to this day has done very well, but I still plan to return to Australia in October 2013 (the main reason for this prompt return is because my permanent residency visa will expire in November 2013 – so I need to have returned to Australia before this, or I will lose my residency).

 

In order for my fiancee to come with me, she needed to apply for an Australian Spouse Visa so that she could also live and work with me when we returned to Australia. Preparing her application was quite a lot of work and a lot of people were involved, including my family who had to write declarations, my Australian friends and neighbours who had to do similar things, and of course myself who had to become a legal sponsor which predictably entails an extra mountain of paperwork. This visa application had to be submitted to Australian immigration for processing before Christmas 2012 in order for the process to be completed before our departure (the application process takes about nine months). But she didn't do this. In fact, at around this time I started to feel like I was becoming a bit of a nag, as I was constantly asking her to do it and not waste time. Her response was always that I shouldn't worry, she will do it in time, and that I needed to stop thinking about it. But when the time arrived for her application to be submitted, she still hadn't done it. Her excuse was that she had been too busy with university work and some private teaching so she hadn't had time (although she had had time to meet with some of her friends, go for dinners, have drinks, relax and watch television etc). So I pushed and pushed and we started to fight a bit. She then admitted to me that she didn't want to submit the application because she was frightened to leave her comfort zone that she had here in Poland. When I asked her, why she had left it until now to tell me, she admitted that she had always felt like this, but that she had hoped that in time her confidence would change and she would feel ready. After some arguments etc, I had to admit defeat and make a decision as to whether I should stay here for good, or leave in October. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but I have decided that I should leave and return to Australia alone – I figured that if I don't return, I will always regret it. Whilst my life in Poland is a lot more comfortable now than it was a few years ago, I still haven't managed to settle here, and things like the healthcare and climate are pretty terrible here (which is really important to me as I am disabled), not to mention the many legal and employment issues that occur from being a foreigner here. The bureaucracy here is very complicated and unforgiving.

 

So we have spoken about it now, and she knows that I will still be leaving. She is upset about this, and one day made a nasty comment about how I was leaving her and she had no choice but to continue plodding along as best she could. I thought this was very unkind considering everything that had happened. I got upset with her and told her that it was her fault, she had made her decision, and that maybe she should learn to live with that. However, in many ways I can understand her feelings – moving to another country is never an easy thing to do. She does have some experience of this though, as a few years ago she lived in the UK for a couple of years, so it's not a completely alien experience to her, but I can understand that leaving her home, our family, her friends etc would be very difficult. I had to accept this and realise that it would be very wrong of me to take her away from this if she really didn't want to go. But in the same way, she needs to understand that I must also leave, and that she can't have her cake and eat it, as it were.

 

We are still together, and actually, I know that she still loves me very much and I love her. The problem is that I have also become quite resentful towards her, and the disappointment and feelings of being let down are really quite overwhelming at times. I feel that I deserve better. Not that I deserve a better girlfriend, just that I deserve better treatment than this. I've sacrificed a lot over the last few years, and to say that I feel shortchanged would be an understatement.

 

The relationship is still continuing and my girlfriend is still pretty much the same as she was before - kind, caring, always wants to be with me etc. The problem is me – something has changed in me. I still think about her all the time, I still miss her when she is not around, but when we are together I feel like I have to try so hard to hide my upset and anger. It has got so bad that I have even been avoiding her quite a lot recently, and I'm just trying to stay busy with work. Over the next few days she would like for us to go to the mountains (her parents have a house in the mountains here which we can stay in), and I'm absolutely dreading it. To be fair, she has pushed me a lot to go, as I have been quite reluctant. The reason I am reluctant is that we'll be together all of the time for a few days, and I'm worried that all of these bad feelings that I have will come pouring out of my mouth and make our current situation even worse.

 

She has recently told me that when I leave she would like to come with me for a few weeks, to help me setup, and have a bit of a holiday, then return to Poland. She even says that she would maybe like to be there with me one day, and that we should still talk every day on the phone when I am there, because she always misses me when I'm not around. And for some reason, she still wants us to get married this summer. I have told her that I don't see the point in getting married if we are going to be parted again a few weeks later. She just responded by asking "Don't you love me any more? Have you lost interest in me? Do you want to leave me to find somebody else?"… How is this even fair? Really? Why does all of the responsibility for everything get put on to me? Since the beginning, I've had to make all of the important decisions, and live with the consequences of them, whether it be good or bad. I don't want her to come to Australia with me for a few weeks and then leave again – I wanted her to come with me and stay with me – that was the original agreement. Is this some kind of consolation prize or something? I just can't be bothered with it, and the idea of her coming for a few weeks and then leaving again is definitely not appealing to me. Now things have changed in my head. As I can't have her with me, I think I will find the whole experience of her coming for a holiday extremely painful for me. It's not fair that she wants to come with me, help me to feel settled, and then leave which of course will do nothing except unsettle me. As much as I love her and I know I will miss her terribly, I feel that the sensible thing for me to do is that when I get on that plane, I should draw a line in the sand and put Poland into my past. If I am to succeed when I arrive in Australia, I need to put all of my thoughts and energy into getting a good job, establishing myself as part of the community, and building my confidence there. If I'm thinking about Poland and everything that is happening there constantly, how will I ever manage to move on? This has all become very difficult for me.

 

In addition, she has said that after I leave, she will run the language school that I started (she already works there as a part-time teacher along with another seven teachers, and does quite a bit of the admin work). I even feel kind of resentful that she will run the school. The reason the school has been successful is because of my hard work and good reputation – it's just another case of her getting everything she wants on a plate, and her life being much easier, whilst everybody else has to struggle a lot more. Internally, I am so angry about all of this that I don't know where to start.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

Thank you in advance for any input or advice.

[TaraMaiden]

TL; DR.

 

Any chance of a 'potted version'....? My eyes began to squint.....

 

(Sorry.... )

[Roadkill007]

TL; DR.

 

Any chance of a 'potted version'....? My eyes began to squint.....

 

(Sorry.... )

 

tldr : OP feels he sacrificed a lot for his SO and is feeling resentful because of her cold feet in moving with him to his home country from her home country (she agreed awhile ago, he reminded her recently, she said don't worry, then bam cold feet).

 

 

 

 

While I understand your feelings OP, I find your reaction and actions curious. You "forced her to tell her parents". While it's understandable you want to be official and you want to feel like she's serious about this too, "forced" isn't a word that should never be used in a relationship unless it has to do with an intervention. That's a one sided relationship there.... more close to a parent/child relationship than one of equals. A relationship between equals involves communication of values, feelings, rationalizations, and compromise with auto-responsibility.

 

Your resentment towards her may stem from you having to all the work in your relationship, but honestly that's the first problem of your relationship to start with that should have been worked on AGES ago. You "forcing" her to tell her parents was just an easy way (easy temporary solution) to get over what proved to be an on-going problem for her... she can't make life-changing decisions on her own. If she can't even tell her parents about you on her own... how do you expect her to make a decision like moving to another country?

 

Even if she does end up going to and staying in Aus with you, there's a good chance she'll become discontent and begin to resent you in turn. If things stay south for her in Aus (punny yea? ), then it'd be her turn to think on how much she sacrificed for you and blah blah blah. Whenever you feel that irrational resentment just take a step back and look at the history of your relationship. There's a good chance it was one-sided (one side did all the work to keeping the relationship going or one side "forced" the other along). If you two do end up staying together in either Aus or Pol, I'd suggest you both reset your relationship and treat each other as if you just started dating... If not, I feel you both should work more on yourselves before even considering another serious relationship. Her on doing things herself (taking responsibility for herself and such), and you on communication and compromise.

[Roadkill007]

also OP, this is relevant, and I feel you should read it. It was from another thread, but it addresses the issue I felt when I read through your post.

 

the stuff that really bugs me with "taking people for granted" is that one assumes that their partner is taking and keeps taking, without reciprocating or being fair.

 

He or she who keep giving, give because it pleases them. It may sound crazy, but there is a lot of selfishness in giving, because it makes one feel like they are "special" for giving or for doing things. Maybe it even gives them a certain power, because they may feel that their partner is "owing them" something.

 

However, if those acts of giving are necessary for the relationships or are important for the development of the relationship, the person who keep giving has the responsibility to flag it to their partner. The very moment when they start to be uncomfortable with too much "giving". It is a delicate situation and many women prefer to continue the same pattern / behavior (giving) rather than calmly but firmly confront. Ask for a fair end of the deal. Or for a clarification.

 

The partner who is the subject of the attention has a responsibility as well. He is either "taking" or he is being tolerant towards the effort of their partner, in an area the potentially is of no interest to him. He may really not care is he talks to her gf once or five times a day. Yet, she may feel taken for granted, thinking "he never calls me".

 

It's all about setting up boundaries. Doing things for your partner, of course, but also talking about expectation (if any). Communicating. Understanding what's important for your partner and tailoring your behavior according to that - if, of course, the partners care about each other and want to keep seeing each other, even if some changes in one's behavior are necessary (usually, men bail if too much effort is requested too early on).

 

Many times, one of the partners is overly hopeful / enthusiastic and may invest too much, too soon, in their relationship. It's not bad to care. It's not bad to show that one cares. But it is that person's responsibility to keep his or her eyes on the reality and confront their expectations with those of his or her partner. By not talking and continuing to invest, one is actively transforming him or herself in a potential victim / the eternal "giver" / woman cleaning up the house on herself, because she fears / is uncomfortable / loathes / confronting her husband on that matter.

 

Nobody's fault but their own for not having the guts to deal with it early on, before that situation transforms into a status quo.

[salparadise]

I think her passive undermining of the agreed upon plan, and withholding of her true feelings until the deadline had passed, are legitimate reasons for concern. I don't blame you for feeling resentment. This passive crap is a form of manipulation just as much as overt techniques, but somewhat more deniable. You seem like a person who plans his life and works the plan. These opposite styles are not going to be compatible over the long haul. You will have some tough choices to make in the near future. Definitely do not marry her with these feelings at the forefront, and as you're about to separate with no solid plan for reuniting. I think you should continue with your plan and use the time alone to clarify what you want in your life, and how she might or might not fit both practically and emotionally. Best of luck to you.

[ian360]

Thank you so much for your responses. I must apologise for responding to you all so late. I went to the mountains with my girlfriend for a few days and I had no Internet access whilst I was there as I was in a region where you can't get a signal.

 

There are a couple of things I would first like to mention, as I feel that I didn't explain myself well in my original post, despite it being way too lengthy. Australia isn't actually my home country. It's a bit of a long story but I am actually from England. However, I have also worked as a 3D graphic designer since 2002 for a company based in Chicago (presently I only do part-time freelance design work, as I spend a lot of my time working at the language school). Whilst working for them, I was given the opportunity to work and run various offices in various different countries, including the United States, Central America, other places in Europe, and of course Australia. I was in Australia for some time, and was eventually able to apply for permanent residency which I did and was granted. I'm currently out of Australia on a five-year resident return exit visa, and so I should strictly be back in Australia before November this year or I will risk losing my residency forever. So you may be wondering why should I bother going back at all? And the reason is simple – I simply like living there! In my design career I have always had very good opportunities when I was there, and of course there is the financial security that comes with that, as I also get a pension, Medicare, and unemployment benefits etc if necessary - although I have been very lucky as I have always had a job since leaving university 14 years ago. I don't have any of this financial security here in Poland, and whilst it may not affect me now, it does make me very uncomfortable when I think about the future here and the hole I could very possibly dig myself into.

 

I would also like to explain the story behind my girlfriend being "forced" to tell her parents the truth. When we got engaged two years ago, she was very excited and of course wanted to wear the ring and tell her friends etc. I felt at that time that there was something much more important that she should do first – that being, telling her parents the truth! Up until that point she had been afraid to even hold my hand in the street sometimes as a way to avoid her parents finding out about us. I still to this day, do not fully understand her reasons for being so afraid of her parents, considering that they have always been very kind and accepting to her, and have always been the same with me. I think it simply came down to the fear that they may simply disapprove or criticise her. Please understand that she is generally not like this with people she knows, this is really just something she does around her parents, and I don't think she even knows why she is like this herself. Anyway, I told her that if she wanted to wear the ring in public and tell her friends about getting engaged, she should first tell her parents the truth. I didn't want her parents finding out from somebody else. I felt that this would be extremely disrespectful considering what good parents they are. I think she felt like she had no real option if she wanted to tell everybody that she had got engaged, so we went and told them together. They were surprised, but happy about it.

 

There are times since then when I have felt quite guilty for putting her in such an awkward situation, but I also know that without that push from me that nothing will happen. So whilst I have some guilt about what I did, I still feel it was the right decision.

 

If she can't even tell her parents about you on her own... how do you expect her to make a decision like moving to another country?

 

Even if she does end up going to and staying in Aus with you, there's a good chance she'll become discontent and begin to resent you in turn. If things stay south for her in Aus (punny yea? ), then it'd be her turn to think on how much she sacrificed for you and blah blah blah. Whenever you feel that irrational resentment just take a step back and look at the history of your relationship.

 

The last few days in the mountains were very good. We also had a chance to talk calmly about everything. Of course she is still very much pulled both ways about what to do next, which I can understand, but I also feel that what Roadkill007 said about her possibly becoming resentful towards me if she came to Australia is also true. This is something that has been on my mind quite a lot. So we decided that I should go alone. Whilst I feel somewhat nervous about doing this, I also feel that it's important that I prove to myself that I can still do this. If I can get myself established there, and get some stability, my girlfriend may join me there later. In fact she promised me that she would join me later, but I had to say to her that I preferred she didn't make any promises as she had already broken a few of them, so I would prefer that she just says that she will try to do something, rather than making promises that she may not be able to keep. I was maybe a little harsh when I said this, but I felt it was necessary that she understands that making a promise can be a big deal to many people, and should really be kept if possible.

 

You seem like a person who plans his life and works the plan. These opposite styles are not going to be compatible over the long haul. You will have some tough choices to make in the near future.

 

Salparadise – You are correct in that I'm the kind of person who makes plans and tries to stick to them. I understand that life is never perfect, and that it is not always possible to do what you intend to do, but I really do try to stick to that. I believe that it's difficult to go anywhere in life if you don't have a destination, whether that be work, family, relationships etc, and I prefer to control my life rather than allowing life to control me. I understand that this philosophy is not for everybody, but I have never really felt comfortable with drifting through life. I have always felt that I was wasting time when there were so many things I could focus on and achieve. It's just who I am I guess.

 

Again, thank you so much for your comments everybody. I really do appreciate them, and they have helped me enormously. I hope that you are all happy on the other side of the pond and that the sun is finally starting to shine on you all!