dancesingfloss Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 i'd been dating this guy for about a year and a half. things were rough at times (fights, yelling, and at one point some physical abuse) but we'd overcome that and things were mostly ok. i know he really loves me and i really love him. but we have both been going through some tough circumstances with work and whatnot and the stress of it ultimately ended up breaking us up. it was a bad second "break-up." i ultimately got very frustrated and yelled at him one night by forcing him to stay in the car by driving us out somewhere very far. that night, he said that things could be ok. but the next day, he told me that he didn't want me to contact him, that he'd put a restraining order against me if i did. so i stopped communicating with him. then, he texted me a few days later, saying that he appreciated me not texting and that we're still friends and that he'd see me after i came back from my 2 month stint for work outside of where we both lived. he said that i'm not a bad person. that we're incompatible at this point in our lives. that text from him opened up a new can of worms and i began texting him to ask him what's going on. he said that i'm in need of personal growth before we could even consider another try. that i'm just unhappy and that's why i'm mean to him. he blames me for the problems, but really, it's the both of us..it's not just me that's yelling at him. he's not very happy with him current situation in life either and i think that's why he takes things out on me. i try to be patient and calm, but i blow up when i can't handle the stress. anyway, i texted him daily since that day to just keep things positive and check up on how he's doing and he'd respond, even though they might not be in depth responses. it helped me stay sane. then today (i've moved and it's been about two and a half weeks since our fight) he tells me that he doesn't want to hear from me; that he doesn't see the need to communicate with me because he ends up being a crutch and it doesn't better him. then he says that i have 3 months to think about things and we would revisit to see if things work. that if trying again even merits a try. that i could send a letter to him when i'm finishing up at the end of june and we could see what happens. then he ends with "i know you are a good person." as you can probably tell by now, i'm very devastated. i want so badly for this relationship to work and i know it's been toxic at times, but i know we are compatible. this "break" had happened before earlier in the year. it was because of the same sort of problems (basically him telling me that i needed to be happier) so he took some time off from mebut he told me we could email each other so we did, but this time, he didn't want to hear from me at all... so do you think we have a chance at us again? this guy just is different than other people i've dated in that i feel a huge void now that he's gone. most of the time, i can be heartbroken and walk away, but he is so important to me. partly because he was around when life was so hard for me and i treated him poorly, but he stuck with me. i think that says a lot about how much he cares for me. i know this sounds stupid but i really don't think i will find anyone else that cares for me as much as he does. and don't really want to find anyone else. also, i really need advice on ways i could try to keep my mind off this and being more independent and happy. i realize i shouldn't do things for other people and i should do it for myself, but i'd really like to prove that i've made progress in self-growth. i'm in a place where i know very few people (2 to be exact) and have little to no emotional and psychological support; aka kona, hi.
Author dancesingfloss Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 please help! any and all advice is appreciated!
Amelie1980 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You've broken up twice and there was physical abuse. leave it alone
flitzanu Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 no, there is no "us". he dumped you and is being very clear he doesn't want to communicate with you and does not want to be with you.
Author dancesingfloss Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 thanks for your replies. i guess what makes me super confused is what about this things he brings up...in 3 months trying to revisit it and see what happens? do you guys think that maybe over time, maybe months or even years, it might get better?
CaliBabe Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 As other posters have previously stated, no, he does not want a relationship with you. You have to respect his wishes and let it go. Don't let him give you false hope of 3 months and you hold on to it for dear life. Let him go. Be a respectable woman. A man should be dying for time with you, not pushing you away.
CorridorE Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Even if the the problems in the relationship are partly or even mostly your fault (which I don't believe for a second that they are), a couple should be able to talk about sorting out the issues without passing off blame. And him telling you that you need to be happier seems kind of ridiculous... you don't seem like a depressed person... so if you ARE unhappy, well, he clearly isn't making you any happier right now. It's not stupid at all to think you won't kind someone who cares about you as much as he seemed to, but you will. And he doesn't seem to care as much as you think by the way he goes back and forth from talking to not wanting to hear from you, and someone who really loves you should never threaten you with a restraining order... or physically harm you in ANY way. It will take time to feel independant and happy on your own, but eventually you will be happier without him because he won't be there bringing you down by blaming you for everything. It's not right what he is doing. A caring couple should try to work out problem together, not pass blame. Also, because this is the second time you've broken up he clearly has doubts about you two as a couple and so there isn't much hope for the relationship long-term... I'm sorry, this is sooo hard I know, but you do deserve better.
Author dancesingfloss Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 thanks for your responses, CorridorE and calibabe i know. things are a mess. i suppose it's not going to work out but i'm just having such a hard time dealing with it. and yes, you're right calibabe...i shouldn't get my hopes up to see him in 3 months. i'm just struggling so much right now. i never felt like i was depressed, but now i truly feel like i am. i have been away from my family and close friends for almost 2 years and have just committed to a job, which means i would continue living away from it all because i thought things would work out between the 2 of us. right now, i've relocated to another place where i really don't know anyone and this breakup has taken me to a dark, deep place. i've tried counseling and going to a psychiatrist but it hasn't helped me much. i've never felt so alone and so unhappy in my life and the only thing that keeps me going is to think that things might work out. but i know deep down that it won't. i suppose i relied on him a lot for being happy. and now that i don't have him, i just don't know how to get out of this rut.
pteromom Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 i guess what makes me super confused is what about this things he brings up...in 3 months trying to revisit it and see what happens? This isn't confusing. He's keeping you on the back burner in case the grass on the other side isn't as green as he's hoping. Saying something like this keeps you waiting for him while he does whatever he wants. You can do better. Next!
CaliBabe Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Dancesingfloss: How you are feeling is totally normal. You will feel like this, go through the motions for a few weeks/months, then one day you will just feel different. You will be ready to make the next step in your life and its moving on. I would suggest taking this time to completely reinvent yourself. Try to go out and meet new people whether its going to the gym and meeting people there, or people who share common interests. You can use this experience to start over and not rely on anyone else but yourself. It will be empowering. Get back into contact with family even if its just by phone or email that will help out tremendously too. Just be sure to take really good care of yourself and start NC now. Don't wait on him to decide whether or not he wants to be with you, as if you are disposable. You are NOT. Go out there and become a better you and make him regret ever losing you.
pteromom Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 tand now that i don't have him, i just don't know how to get out of this rut. Fake it until you make it. Hang out where people are. Go out. Hang out with friends (or acquaintances if you don't have friends where you are.) Look for meet-ups/clubs/hobby meets in your area. Hang out with people from your work. Go to the local bar and just sit at the bar. You will get past this, and you will be ok.
OzHeartache Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 i suppose i relied on him a lot for being happy. and now that i don't have him, i just don't know how to get out of this rut. I'm in the same situation Floss....this is the part we need to fix, "How" is the hard part but as everyone keeps saying (and I have trouble believing it myself but we must)...... We need to be happy alone and not depend on others for our own happiness
Author dancesingfloss Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 thanks guys. even though i don't know you all, your words are helping immensely. i just need to keep telling myself the same and know that i'll get through it.
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