ChloeChloe Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Okay. I'm just venting here but I am SO irritated. A couple weeks ago my MM said we really needed to call it quits now, for good(this has happened several times before). However, I think he really means it this time. Since we first got going 1 and 1/2 years ago, I have gotten a divorce(not for him). My divorce was finalized in late July. Oddly enough MM was supportive and helpful through process. I got some good feedback from another post on trying to forget about him since I am now single and it really needs to end. However, I'm just curious whether any other OW/OM have gotten the "we're such good friends" line from their MM/MW. He keeps insisting that we can/must be friends, and frankly, I find it difficult to sit in an office with him and not want to jump across the table! I can't tell if he just doesn't feel it anymore or what, but the result is that I feel like I represent something dirty or bad that he wants to forget. Just today I said to him-"You realize we are not friends. We are ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend. I have NEVER been a good friend to you(considering that I was destructive to his marriage and don't hesitate to say unkind things about his wife!)." I'm just wondering if others have experienced this delusion of friendship on the part of their OM/OW as they were trying to break things off, and what they did about it? I know in my heart that if I just stop seeing him permanently that will be the best, however, no matter how bad I feel after I see him, I still seem to want to be around him.
sami Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 First of all you need to know exactly what you really want out of your relationship with him. No matter how bad you feel about the way he views things is not going to help. If he is only perceiving you as "just a friend "you cannot force anything more on him. He will keep pushing you away and it will only hurt you more. try to slowly distance yourself emotionally from him. It will surely work but it needs a strong will and consistancy from your side. Once you decide which direction you want to take, stay there and take it one step at a time. Wish you the best.
StillHurtin Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I have never been involved w/ a MM but I was involved w/ a M that was in a serious relationship that ended up in marriage (after our relationship ended). She got pg w/ his child so he married her (they are now D). Anyhow, I was young and really loved this man and at that time I didn't really care he had a GF (if he was M then I would of backed off). He was my first love. Basically he just used me for a good time. He admitted he loved spending time w/ me and we spent a lot of time 2gether when he came back on the weekends from college. A few years later he moved back to town and I spent time w/ him but then she moved in. It made it hard for us to be 2gether. I moved away to college myself but left wanting to stay but I knew it wasn't going to work out. He was living w/ his GF and I needed to realize that it wasn't right for me to go over there anymore. Even though I loved him moving away and not seeing him anymore made it easier getting over him. I did, and a few years later I married and had children of my own. However this man emailed me a couple years ago (10 years later) as he found my name on a HS site. We chatted a few times, he called me at home (dh was at work). I told him it wasn't a good idea he was calling. He never called back but we did keep in touch via email and chat. Dh did not like it (which I don't blame him) so I ended it. I don't know why he contacted me again. He was remarried and seemed very happy. But, he mentioned wanting to meet him back in our hometown so we could get a motel room 2gether. I said NO!!! Last I heard (his nephew dates my neice, small world huh?) he went to rehab and is getting his marriage back in order. About your situation, can you transfer to another building or something to get away from him? You need to break all contacts w/ this mm and get on w/ your life. Find a single man and enjoy your life. I know how hard it is to get over a love but you can do it. GL!
Author ChloeChloe Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Hi, appreciate everyone's feedback. the resounding theme seems to be "Get away from him!!!" And I know that is what is necessary. I've been in a good mood the past couple weeks when we didn't talk, then last night I completely bawled for the first time in weeks. I think the relationship is somewhat of an addiction, you know it's bad for you, but you just want more. The truth is I don't think I do want to be just friends with him, at least not as good as friends as we have been(minus the sex) I think I feel weird acknowledging that because on some level it's a bit cold-I only want him if I can have the sex too, and the friendship we have shared is not as important as that.. But, I know it's not just being cold, it's the romantic feelings that naturally occur when the sex and the friendship are good. Also, he made me feel special and now I don't feel so special anymore. He just doesn't understand how I feel as he did a better job of not getting attached. I'd be fine seeing him occasionally with the group but I suppose I won't email him/seek him out. We do work in different buildings now so that is a plus!
sami Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Working on your own system is very crucial at this time. You are very special as a person. You do not need anyone to tell you that. However, if sex is the only way that makes you feel that way ( special) then you need to work on your perception and the way you view things. Keep your distance of respect and let this unhealthy relationship go away and slowly die. Stay in touch and keep yourself busy doing your own good things.
Author ChloeChloe Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Talk about an on-target post, Sami! This idea of being "special" has been a theme in my personal therapy that I need to work on. I think the feeling of not special with MM now is my feeling rejected on some level because he doesn't want to keep that part of the relationship going. Since I have recently gone through a divorce i'm pretty sensitive to rejection. Also, now that I no longer have a husband either, I am really missing that affectionate/loving part in my life! But-I don't want my feelings for him to hold me back, and I know I need to focus on nurturing myself rather than letting him open up my wounds.
sami Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 You also need to sort and find out for your own self what really makes you feel that way. Could it possibly be the buried though unspoken or expressed feeling of missing your ex and the life associated with him. It is also possible that your system is harboring other past similar losses ?. You may need some time to really figure out what, in fact, makes you feel that way about your good self. When I say " good" I really mean it. You are a good person looking for love in a bad place. It wouldn't work for you that way. I'm sorry to say.
Author ChloeChloe Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 thanks for the kind words, Sami. I know I was really selling myself short by getting involved with MM in the first place. RE the exhusband-I probably shouldn't have gotten with him either! So-a big focus for me now is to define what I want in a relationship and to not settle for less. When I am ready to start dating again, that is. I'm not quite there yet, still have more work to do on myself first.
sami Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 It is good to hear that you are aware of your need to take time off for your own good. That is a huge step toward recovery from your emotional trauma. Once you are in full control of your syatem you may slowly start working on a better new one. Take your time and try to learn from your past experiences. I wish you the best of luck in your future love life.
9Lives Posted September 26, 2004 Posted September 26, 2004 Originally posted by ChloeChloe Hi, appreciate everyone's feedback. the resounding theme seems to be "Get away from him!!!" And I know that is what is necessary. I've been in a good mood the past couple weeks when we didn't talk, then last night I completely bawled for the first time in weeks. I think the relationship is somewhat of an addiction, you know it's bad for you, but you just want more. The truth is I don't think I do want to be just friends with him, at least not as good as friends as we have been(minus the sex) I think I feel weird acknowledging that because on some level it's a bit cold-I only want him if I can have the sex too, and the friendship we have shared is not as important as that.. But, I know it's not just being cold, it's the romantic feelings that naturally occur when the sex and the friendship are good. Also, he made me feel special and now I don't feel so special anymore. He just doesn't understand how I feel as he did a better job of not getting attached. I'd be fine seeing him occasionally with the group but I suppose I won't email him/seek him out. We do work in different buildings now so that is a plus! I would not be friend with him because you cannot be Just friend with someone you are use to being with. Friends and ex-lover are too different things. I had to make the same decision. It is very hard. I am struggling everyday. I have maintained my stand and even though I feel terrible on the inside I know that it is right for me to make this move. Believe it or not, you are going to have to respect yourself more. I have to do the same thing. I miss him soooo much. He called me and I did not pick up the phone. I am not ready to talk to him. I am afraid I will say come see me or let him know that I miss him. He does need to know all of that. But really, you will become more hurt trying to be his friend. I would just break it off and go thru the pain. IT IS VERY PAINFUL TOO. Friendship is not a option at this time. Maybe later.
Author ChloeChloe Posted September 27, 2004 Author Posted September 27, 2004 Respect myself more. I like that, JVJRose. It is a sentiment that probably rings true with many others on this post. I shouldn't accept just part of a person. I know I shouldn't have accepted it in the first place, and I definitely shouldn't accept it now that it is even less than and just causes me pain because I crave more from him. Sometimes I hate email because it is SOOOO easy to stay in touch. That is our most often used mechanism of communication, and I'll need to put a stop to emails, and trend off my responses to his emails. I don't want to tell him what I am trying to do because I've already tried to so many times before, because of pride because he doesn't seem to have an issue, and because I think just letting it happen quietly is best.
9Lives Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 Yeah, I understand. He told me, he felt like he lost his best friend and that he missed talking, touching, and being with me. I think he meant what he said. You have to up your value as a woman and up your respect for yourself. I have to do the same. Just try to get yourself together. This is going to be very hard. I think about him every single day. I just want a better relationship with more respect and with someone who values me. If I cant get that level of respect then it is just going to have to be a missing him day cause I am not going to settle for less. I just cant no matter how much I want him.
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