mark2 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Where do I begin? Last August I was having doubts about my marriage with my wife after 3 years and 7 being together. I decided that I thought we should go on a break as I was worried that I might do something I might regret. In hindsight, I should have suggested marriage counciling. During the break we both found someone and immediately I realized what a huge mistake I had made in suggesting a break. in November (about 3-4 months after the initial break) my wife and i decided to start dating again. I was 100% sure that I wanted her back, but she said she had changed and now she was not 100% sure if we would be together in the future and that she liked her independence (she has never lived alone before). But we both thought that time would heal this. In February I moved into her flat I thought everything was getting back on track. On the weekend just gone (April 27th) my wife had a hockey social and initially she said she was coming home. She didn't and my worst fears materialized in that when she came home in the morning she admitted to cheating on me (with the same guy she had a fling with on our break). I didn't shout at her or tell her that i'm leaving, in fact i said I forgave her. She has said how sorry she was and that she will never do it again and that she loves me. She has said however that her head is still really confused, there are days that everything is good and she can imagine us having a family and moving into a house, and then there are days that she worries that she may not be able to change the way she currently feels (uncertain). I have said it will take time as the old cliche says. Last night I confronted her and asked her to make a decision, either: Decide that you want to give the marriage a go and give it more time to see if we can get past thisSay that you want me to leave She couldn't make that decision. We spoke all evening and she explained that she loves me and can't imagine her life without me, but she can't make the decision to give it a go. She is worried that if she asks me to leave she would be making the biggest mistake in her life but if she asks me to stay she would also think that she wont be able to change the way she feels down the line. I just don't understand as by not wanting to make the decision and carry on as we are, she is effectively willing to see if she is able to change her feelings down the line. A good friend of ours said that you should never make a decision until you are 100% certain it is what you want, which I guess is what she is doing. There has been many times in the past few days that I think I should just pack my bags and go, but then I am determined to make this work, even if it means getting my heart broke again. I also asked her if we should go to a marriage Councillor and she agreed although she is not 100% convinced it will work and not as committed as I am. We have decided to leave it as it is for a few months. We have a city break at the weekend coming up and then a holiday in August and then we can re-assess the situation and see how we both feel. My question is do you think this is the right path to go down, or do you have any alternative advice? Do you think this marriage is repairable and am I doing the right things? Many thanks Mark
Am4Real Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Mark, Sorry to hear of your situation. Honestly…if you want to hear it straight from me after what you describe…she has other interests at this moment and those interests are on par or even taking a priority over you. She loves you because there is history, comfort, stability (for the most part), and you want her. In other words you are a safe bet. On the other hand YOU and YOU alone suggested a break – a parting – a let’s see what else is out there mentality and a “consideration” for whether “we really want” to be together while we take a break. Guess what? You found out the beak was not the counseling tool you thought it was; the other person you found was not peaking your interest. On the other hand she found time away from you good for her; she has a keen interest in someone else. This other person might not be her long term love and stability (yet) but he definitely has her interest and obviously her physical desires as well. This in a nutshell is the summary of what “taking a break” did to your life versus tackling the issue that were affecting your marriage. We call this “going around the situation” instead of “going through it”. When you suggested and later chose to go around it, detour the issues if you will, both of you travelled on your own roads. You found a path to your destination however your wife is still on the detour route. Make sense? At this point all you are concerned with is getting her back – you discovered the break was useless. Your wife on the other hand, is still discovering what she is supposed to be gaining from the break and unlike you, might be finding this “discovery” period beneficial. Complicating the entire situation: You still haven’t addressed the original issues that affected your marriage in the first place if I’m to understand correctly so why are you in a good place now and she isn’t. To answer the above I need to ask you a question. Are you being completely honest with us? Was the reason for break not only a troubled marriage but your interest in this other person you found soon after the break? Could it be this interest in another woman drove you in this direction, only to find out G.I.G,s took the best of your decision making at the time? Please elaborate if this was part or most of the reason for suggesting a break because my comments would take on a different direction for you. Regardless, you have a push and pull situation going on. The more you push her to make a decision (hurry up along the detour) the more she will pull away from you (drive slower through the detour). You’re pushing; she is pulling. You’re pushing; she is pulling. You’re pushing; she is pulling. Understand? Stop asking her to make a decision; you have asked or proposed several times and she cannot or will not make a decision. If you ask any more, get mad and stomp off, become verbal, giver her an ultimatum, etc you will end up pushing her away even more; maybe even for good. Based only on what you have told us so far: I would leave her alone. Tell her softly “if and when” she wants to talk to you (mention talking to you not being with you, getting counseling, moving in, getting back together and other DECISION POINTS) you will be available. Then disappear. You need to show her what life will be without you on a permanent basis. Know that she may choose to be without you permanently, however at the current state you are likely pushing her into that decision anyway. Good luck.
Author mark2 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Thank you Am4real, you make a lot of sense and thank you for taking the time to answer my question. To answer yours at the time of the break up I was in a very bad place. I was on anti-depressants and I was visiting a Councillor for my OCD which I think was part of the problem. I had the voice in my head saying that I didn't love her and that I'm better off with someone else. My head is clear now and although OCD will never go away it is under control. Do you think living together for the next few months to see how things go is a bad idea? Many thanks Mark
Am4Real Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I'm not sure of whether it's a good idea or a bad idea. I know that I would not be comfortable or find it reassuring since you would be into the idea 100% and she is somewhere around 50%. I think having her around you and not committed would be very hard to deal with; especially if she drifts even lower than 50%. What about if she increased her interest from 50% to 70%, she still is not totally committed. See what I mean. It's still a push and pull scenerio or worse yet, she puts you in the friends with benfits zone while covertly exploring her options with someone new. Then all of a sudden drops the bomb she want to move on and away from you. You have to have her want you, jsut like you want her. I'd be leary of attaining that goal through living together when she is not totally committed. Thank you Am4real, you make a lot of sense and thank you for taking the time to answer my question. To answer yours at the time of the break up I was in a very bad place. I was on anti-depressants and I was visiting a Councillor for my OCD which I think was part of the problem. I had the voice in my head saying that I didn't love her and that I'm better off with someone else. My head is clear now and although OCD will never go away it is under control. Do you think living together for the next few months to see how things go is a bad idea? Many thanks Mark
Author mark2 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Thank you once again. I think I am going to start thinking as if it is over, this way I will be less hurt when it actually happens.
Gunny376 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 The best advice I've ever given to anyone? Is to not necessarly follow any advice I give you! With that said, were it me? I'd give her a serious gift of missing me, zero contact, zero anything. It would be as though I had fallen off the face of the Earth, (I'm really, really good at doing this to people! I got it and learned it an early age) I would be like a US Navy Nuclear Sub under the Polar Ice Cap running silent and running deep. I would leave ~ I'd walk in a freaking heartbeat! And as I was walking out the door? I would tell her! "You've got a short time to snap out of your cheap s**t! And decide weather you want to be with me or not, and if not? Then I'm going to find me someone who does and will! Wait too long? And I want be going? I'll be gone!" Its the old "If you love someone set them free, if they come back, they'll be yours forever, and if they don't then it was never meant to be!" deal. Then again........................................ If they run up your utillity bills, use up all your minutes on your cell phone, turn your house into a pig sty, eat you out of house and home? You probally gave birth to them, and your stuck with them for the rest of your life no matter WHAT you do?
Author mark2 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Cheers Gunny, Why didn't they tell you at school life was this tough:)
Gunny376 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Because school isn't about such. Its about taking square pegs and pounding them into round holes, and beating tha' ever-loving hell out of ya! Its about beating ya' until you comform and fit into the societial, cultural, religious norm. Its about telling ya' if you do A, B, C, your life is going to turn out just fine as in X, Y, and Z. But its a lie! They don't teach the two most important things that one needs to know in school. Interpersonal Relationships and Personal Finance. Zilch, nothing, zero!
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