pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Ok, here's the deal. My ex and I were together for 2 years, lived together for a year and a half. I moved across country to be with her and we had such a great connection and so much in common. It was amazing. During the course of living with her, I made some horrible choices. She caught me talking to girls numerous times, saying inappropriate things. I never actually cheated and never would. I believe I just enjoyed the thrill of it. I don't know if it was the fact that I moved across country and had no one but her and I was seeking more attention or what. Either way, it doesn't matter, it was wrong. The last time I was caught, she wanted to end the relationship and for me to return home. I quit my job and was packed up and then she changed her mind. This left me unemployed for a couple months which also caused problems. So, basically, I came home to visit over the holidays and while I was here she cancelled my plane ticket back and shipped all of my stuff back. I know I made mistakes but I thought that was pretty low of her to do. Anyways, I tried getting her back for a month and a half then finally just went no contact and have been for two and a half months now. After two weeks of no contact, she called our mutual friend and asked how I was doing and if I had told her anything "interesting" about how I was doing. I left it alone, then around 3 weeks ago, which would make it around the 1 and a half month mark of no contact, she calls our friend and starts talking about me and says she wouldn't mind talking to me. I have remained in no contact still because I know there's no point in reaching out. I already attempted to for a month and a half and she told me to leave her alone, etc. Basically I'm just venting. I know it's done. Guess I just want to discuss it.
Seachelle1 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 She packed up your stuff without talking to you? Bought you an airplane ticket without talking to you? She's a control freak. No, you shouldn't have flirted with girls but it sounds like maybe you were exerting some control over your own life? When people feel powerless in one part of their life they seek control in another part. That's what I do. I think it's important for you to understand why you did what you did so you can avoid that situation again. I have dated some people that unilaterally made major life decisions that impacted me hugely. I sought to gain control of my life back in the little ways, not by cheating but in other ways. Maybe I am projecting here? You shouldn't talk to her again. The relationship and power dynamic sounds really toxic and uneven. That sort of lopsidedness can only make you seasick. 1
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 thats a very good insight. like, when i was about to move to be with her, it was very sudden and i was unsure of it. she pressured me and would cry and beg me so i then felt bad. decided to do it. she was a very emotional person honestly. not trying to bash her at all, but i think she may have some sort of psychiatric problems. her brother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is schizophrenic. she would completely fine and in a great mood one moment, then i would go somewhere for say 10 minutes or so and would come back and she would be balling and crying. she would constantly yell and scream at me. not normal screams either. basically guttural and primal. it was insane honestly. there were times i actually got scared for my own safety and hers. she would cry if i didn't want to go to her parents house with her and say i hated her family. i was like, are you serious? i just don't feel like going anywhere today lol. it was just a crazy situation.
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 when i first moved there, i would try and talk to her about being homesick and just missing my friends and family and she would take it personally like i didn't want to be w her or it was something against her. it got to a point honestly to where i couldn't talk to her about anything because she would either start yelling or get upset and start crying. i basically shutdown i feel. it got to a point to where i would avoid her because it was always something. even when everything was fine and nothing was wrong she would always be upset about something. before i did any of that, she would cry about how her brother always got all of the attention and how it was unfair to her and affected her. when she was 18 or so, her brother was manic and was really going crazy so her parents made her move into an apartment by herself to protect her. i can understand that it hurt her and see where she's coming from when she says it felt as if they chose him over her, but i tried to explain to her that they were trying to do what was best for the both of them. she just has the victim mentality and it feels as if once someone messes up or hurts her one time, she can never forgive them or get over it. i'm not justifying my own actions because it was wrong and i've acknowledged that. i've tried to look at it from both perspectives, but it just seems she is not capable of doing that.
Seachelle1 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You know, I'm not really good at relationships but I've got a ton of experience with horribly unhealthy relationships! I know how long it can take to trust yourself after a toxic relationship. Please take care of yourself! What you're describing is very painful. It is none of your business what is going on in her mind or what she might think of you. You are doing what is best for you and that is soooo important. It isn't your business to assess why she did what she did, but it is important to asess what she did, how you responded, and why you responded the way you did. She isn't your business, you are your business. That's what my therapist keeps ingraining in me. So maybe you can go through what you just wrote and instead of figuring out why she was doing what she was doing you can go back and see how you responded to her actions and why you did what you did so that you can heal and help yourself. I agree, what you're describing in her is very dysfunctional. I'd just take it at face value and not try to look further. Compassion is good but not deconstruction of the chaos of emotions. We don't have enough reason or information to do that.
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 I understand. I've actually dealt with the situation quite nicely. I'm doing well. Just still think about it. I understand she has problems and such. I don't know. I was unhappy for months. She was constantly trying to get me to do certain things and if I didn't do it she would get extremely upset and cry and scream. It was crazy. I think all I really want is for her to contact me so I can deny her like she did me when I was trying to work it out with her. I tried everything and nothing worked. It got to a point where I just had to leave it alone. She said, I try and hate you everyday, but I can't because I love and care about you, but just because we love and care about one another doesn't mean we should stay together. I think I'm just upset because I changed my whole life for her, moved completely across the country to be with her and then had no option or control over my own life or the decision. She didn't even discuss it with me at all. If she wanted to break up, that's one thing, but for her to just ship my stuff back and for me to have no option to stay out there if I would have wanted to just makes me a tad angry, but what can you do? Just ridiculous honestly.
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 don't read it. didn't come here to be grammatically correct. quickly typed up the situation.
Am4Real Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Welcome to Loveshack -- sorry for your pain -- and for your anger. You can read more about our guidelines and mission in the HELP section. Generally folks come here for help, guidance and venting. As a member we take in the stories and offer whatever guidance we can. We are not here to condemn or insult anyone, we are here as supporters. We intend on supporting you as a new member. When you type your story and it ends up being a long series of sentences without spacing between thoughts, it becomes difficult to read and break apart the ideas, comments and points the OP is attempting to communicate. If you're posting here, I'm sure you would like the best advice possible as well as the widest readership. I am suggesting to you as courtesy to those who wish to help, you make your posts as easy to digest and read through as possible which is why I asked you to type in paragraphs with the word "please". Have a wonderful day. don't read it. didn't come here to be grammatically correct. quickly typed up the situation.
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 i would happily edit my previous posts but it will not allow me to do so.
TaraMaiden Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Originally Posted by pelip don't read it. didn't come here to be grammatically correct. quickly typed up the situation. One of the conditions of your becoming a member, which you have to agree to, is that you have read the Community Guidelines. I haven't ever met one single new member who has actually read them, before agreeing to them, ticking the box, and joining. Here's the relevant passage for you: Paragraphs and formatting code We ask that community participants separate long posts into paragraphs, leaving a blank line between each block of text similar to the style used in this document. We have found that posters who follow this suggestion not only improve the readability of the post, but also tend to receive a greater number of responses. (Here) With regard to your personal issue, it's important you regroup, gather up your emotions, and begin to heal and move on. Please read the No Contact Guide in my signature. It's the first post, and everything you will ever need, to be able to implement a strategy which will help you clear your mind and clean her out of your life. By questioning others (and making sure you find out about it) she's indirectly chucking you breadcrumbs. She's not interested in whether you're ok. All she wants to make sure is that you're still thinking of her - and popping up in your life periodically, ensures that. Be strong, be well, and I hope you find everything you need here. 1
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 yeah i'm fully aware of maintaining no contact. it's not even an option for me to contact her in any way shape or form. it would be pointless. i didn't know in which context she meant she would like to talk to me, but can only assume it's just to know that she could still have me if she wanted me as you said. it just angers me that she didn't even discuss it with me at all and had no consideration of how it would affect me or what kind of position it put me in. it's just hard to swallow. nothing changed at all for her when i moved there besides being with me. she got to stay near her friends and family, keep her job, stay in college and finish her degree while i left everything. she's just incapable of seeing outside herself and it indicates to me that she is selfish and self absorbed, which is what she accused me of being. go figure.
TaraMaiden Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 What are you looking for, exactly, pelip...? Closure? What is it that you think you need right now?
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 i'm not exactly sure. it's almost as if I want her to return just to deny her. that may be wrong but it's how i feel. a part of me would like to reconcile, but i just don't think it's possible. even if she would want to, which i highly doubt, i don't think i could because too much damage has been done and i couldn't risk moving back out there and it happening again. it's just been a messy situation, but i've actually handled it pretty well. just feels like it's not over for some reason. i don't know if it's that i want closure because it's over and that should be enough closure. i'm not exactly sure what it is to be totally honest. maybe i just want to return to the place more than the fact that i want to be w her. i'm from a small town, moved to the city to be w her. i think honestly that's what it is. i want to go back there and take the easy route by being w her, but don't think it would be a good idea. just something about it feels unfinished.
Chi townD Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 don't read it. didn't come here to be grammatically correct. quickly typed up the situation. When people see your posts and the words aren't broken up it's hard on the eyes and most people will past up your story; people that might have some incredible insight on your situation that you aren't aware of or you didn't even think of. So, stop being rude to the people that are trying to help you.
Author pelip Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 it's clearly been settled. no need to jump in and try and create an argument chi townd.
Chi townD Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Opps! Tara already gave the spanking. I stopped reading after that post. okay, carry on!
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