russellfitch1980 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I really don't know where to begin...I just need some people to vent too and give me some of their feedback or personal opinions/experiences. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 8 months now. I'm 23 and she is 20. We both fell in love with each other about 3 months into it and about 5 months into the relationship I felt even stronger for her. I tell her everyday how much I love her and I how believe she is the one. She tells me the same thing too everyday as well. We have gotten into about 3 arguments the past few months and they have all been over one specific topic. There is this one male friend of hers who she met back in September when we started going out. They weren't quote on quote friends until about January or so of this year. The last few months they have been spending a lot of time together at school, because he is in basically in all of her 5 classes, and they are in the same study/social group at school two days a week. They have never hung out outside of school until right about now. The only times we have gotten into arguments is when she brings up this new friend of hers, at first he was an acquaintance, then he was a friend, now he is a good friend. My problem was that she never introduces me to her friends at all. I still to this day have never met her best friend and I have been with her for almost 8 months. I have only met her family = mom, dad, sister, and a few of her relatives. They all love me and she tells me all the time how lucky she is too be with me and have her parents like me because that means the world to her. This upcoming weekend, there is a concert that she is going to. None of her friends are going except for this male friend of hers. He is also picking her up at her house and dropping her off afterwards. She did ask me if I was comfortable with this and I didn't want to start and argument so I shamefully said yes I was. I know this kid likes her because he always messages her on Facebook, texts her on her phone pretty much everyday, and whenever I see this kid at our college campus he ignores me and pretends that I'm not around. I have even tried to befriend him after she introduced me to him about a few weeks ago (this was the only friend she introduced me to). I figured he might be a nice guy as she says he is, but he rubs me the wrong way. I have never complained once to her about her going out with her other friends, even if I don't even know who they are. I know this kid likes her, and he is manipulating her to go to this concert this weekend. I tried to wiggle myself into the concert but she said how they are meeting up with his sister after to grab dinner, so it would be awkward if I was there having her not have met the sister. First of all why do you want to meet this kids sister so bad, secondly why is he picking my girlfriend up and dropping her off and she doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it, and third of all why is it such a struggle for her to invite me places. When she is with me alone, she feels the need to express her feelings towards me and tells me she loves me and wants to cuddle and hold my hands. When we are in public, it is like a sin when I reach out to hold her hand while walking to class. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't keep bringing up this same situation because she gets mad and yells at me for not trusting her, and thinking her friend likes her, and my gut instinct tells me that he does. One time I checked out her Facebook chat when she wasn't around and found out that she lied to me one night and said she was going to bed but really called this kid and talked to him on the phone for like 30 minutes about this concert. I know that was wrong but I did it last week, and that was the only time I ever did it. I was suspicious and my gut feeling told me something wasn't right, and I was right. I don't know why she does this to me. I really do love this girl and I would give anything to continue to make her happy. I tell her all the time how much she means to me, and she tells me the same, that I'm the best thing that has happened to her and she couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. She tells me that she wants me to tell her when things are on my mind, I try to like this situation and the past ones, then she shuts me down. This is the only thing we ever argue about. She knows it puts a strain on our relationship....so why does she do it?? Does she like this guy? I'm so nervous that after she goes to this concert she will start to like him, and I honestly don't think my heart can take that. I don't know what to do. I feel lost and so confused as to why she is doing this. She tells me that all of her friends she only sees as friends, but she doesn't know her boundaries with her male friends especially this one. She does flirt with him from time to time, and I have seen the messages like a said on facebook last week. He initiates most of everything, but why does she play along with it and add the flirty comments or the smiley faces in the responses. I feel like I'm being played, then the other part of me feels that she really does love me and wants to only be with me and that she just has a few male friends who she can hang out with and only see as friends. Please give me some feedback everyone....I'm actually desperate and don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend wouldn't understand, he has been single his whole life and bounces back from girl to girl. Thanks everyone I appreciate it and sorry for the long post
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 She sounds like a good candidate for FWB-ville. She doesn't respect you, bro. End it. 1
FitChick Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Summer is coming. Have a barbeque and tell her to invite her friends.
BluEyeL Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) Tell her how you feel about this guy, ask her to cut it back. If she doesn't, it means that sadly, she doesn't care about how you feel and this won't work long term for you, you deserve better and you should end it. I know that sounds impossible to do right now, but I really don't see how it would be OK for the woman who says she loves you to ignore your feelings about a situation that is clearly innapropriate. Probably she enjoys the attention, but she should care more about hurting you. You should definitely join in for the concert, it's really not OK to go with that guy, and the argumetn with the sister blah blah is a very weak one. Edited May 2, 2013 by BluEyeL 4
Author russellfitch1980 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 I just spoke with her about the situation today. Of course she blew up at me and really yelled at me and told me that I have no valid points as to why I'm bringing up past arguments that are all related to the same thing. She told me that I don't trust her and how I feel she will cheat on me with him if alone. I told her that I don't trust him, not her. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't trust her, it just makes me uncomfortable how she talks and flirts with her male friends in front of me especially this one particular male. I told her that I didn't care that she was going to this concert with him, and how I want her to have a social life and go out with her friends, I just felt uncomfortable with the fact that I guy I don't really know is picking up my girlfriend in his car and dropping her off after. She of course yelled at me and said why does it matter who picks me up?? She also said that I was being controlling and selfish and acting like a prick. That I was being a jealous boyfriend who can't accept the fact that she is friendly and has many friends, males and females. Then she tried to make the point across that she doesn't yell at me when I hang out with my friends. But there are never times when it is just me and one girl hanging out alone with each other let alone driving me around and dropping me off. I have two female friends who are really my only real female friends that I would consider good friends. I have known them since I was 8, and they are both sisters and grew up with me and my family. We are all close family friends, and I am like a brother to them, and I still never talk to them like that and flirt with them while I'm texting or messaging them on facebook. She doesn't understand my frustration with this situation. I tried to explain myself, and tell her that I am not comfortable with her boundaries with the male friend of hers, and there should be some sort of cut off point between friends and bf/gf/lovers. The fact that she is allowing him to pick her up in his car before the concert and drop her off after is inappropriate. She doesn't understand why, and I guess she never will. She doesn't seem to care that she is hurting my feelings and making me feel miserable and insecure about our future. I would do anything for her. I know she loves me and she would never cheat, but she doesn't understand that other guys might have other intentions....I feel crushed and really confused as to what to do. I don't want to break up with her, but I feel like I might have to as this was our 4th time arguing about the same topic within the last few months, and she hasn't changed. Actions mean more than words...am I right?
outsidethebox Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I repeat, she has no boundaries. Of course she is comfortable with that.
Betterman31 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Your totally right. Sadly this happened to me 5 months ago. Co-worker worked his way up my gfs (now ex) ranks from co-worker to friend to good friend (to probably FWB now). Like you I saw convo's on fb. He started wanted to 'come round for coffee' which he later added...I dont like coffee and niether did she. I did the same as you confronted her telling her I wasnt happy with it and it made me feel uncomfortable, like your gf, she went mental and it was me with trust issues etc. Anyway to cut a long story short, she dumped me 3 months ago and who's arms did she go straight running to? The guy i had an issue with and the guy who she claimed 'they were just friends, its not like that'. In my opinion you have 2 options. Option 1 (What I did), Make it clear that this guy clearly has other intentions than just being friends and most guys wouldn't hang out with a girl they only recently got friendly with without other motives (maybe its just me) or Option 2 (What I kinda wish Id done) Act cool with it, like it doesnt bother you and just let her do what she wants. At the end of the day if someone really wants to be with you they will be with you no matter who they hang around with. As i found out, you can only try and keep someone from doing something for so long until THEY decide they want to do it anyway. I felt as though me trying to protect her from this douche bag player only drove her more into his arms and made me look weak, needy, unconfident. Which in hindsight it probably did because if i was confident in the relationship and her feelings for me then the other guy wouldnt be an issue. Lets face it. It takes two to tango, if she loves you and truley wants to be with you, she would blow off this guys advances regardless of what he tries on her. Hope everything works out better than it did for me. Lets just say lesson learnt! 2
ja123 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 She is dishonest with her feelings. I think she is young and wants to play the field, but she wants her cake (you), too. The fact that she doesn't include you in her life by introducing you to her friends is a big warning sign. The fact that she doesn't want to hold your hand in public speaks volumes. It's like she doesn't want people to see that she has a boyfriend, so she can keep her options open. When she yells at you saying that you're too jealous, etc. she is simply projecting to hide her guilt. Honestly, I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment. So why are you? 1
BluEyeL Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 She doesn't seem to care that she is hurting my feelings and making me feel miserable That's the biggest, biggest issue. Somebody who loves you would care about your feelings, regardless of what's "right" or "wrong". You told her it hurts you, that should be enough for her to dial it way down. 1
Author russellfitch1980 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 She is dishonest with her feelings. I think she is young and wants to play the field, but she wants her cake (you), too. The fact that she doesn't include you in her life by introducing you to her friends is a big warning sign. The fact that she doesn't want to hold your hand in public speaks volumes. It's like she doesn't want people to see that she has a boyfriend, so she can keep her options open. When she yells at you saying that you're too jealous, etc. she is simply projecting to hide her guilt. Honestly, I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment. So why are you? The weird thing is that she talks to her friends about me and her all the time. They know I exist and they know that we go out, it's just uncomfortable for me when she walks with them and right as soon as she sees me she leaves them and comes over to me. I told her today that I feel like a mirage, I just want to be included in her life as much as possible and get to know who her friends are so I'm not coming off as someone who is protective or jealous of other guys. Honestly I would be fine with the situation if she included me more and made my presence known better. They see me, but only from a distance....
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 The thing that I always try to look at with a long term relationship is: where is this going? Where do I see this leading? I don't like relationships that are going to nowheresville. There has to be some sort of direction. For your relationship, the direction is down. She's started a certain behavior and she will continue with it....and it WILL get worse, not better. Just be thankful she showed this side of her before you signed a legal contract with her. Get out now. And by now, I mean RIGHT THIS MINUTE. It'll save you some time and you'll feel better for dumping her (as opposed to her dumping you for another guy) in the long run. Just my 2 cents.... 1
BluEyeL Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 The thing that I always try to look at with a long term relationship is: where is this going? Where do I see this leading? I don't like relationships that are going to nowheresville. There has to be some sort of direction. For your relationship, the direction is down. She's started a certain behavior and she will continue with it....and it WILL get worse, not better. Just be thankful she showed this side of her before you signed a legal contract with her. Get out now. And by now, I mean RIGHT THIS MINUTE. It'll save you some time and you'll feel better for dumping her (as opposed to her dumping you for another guy) in the long run. Just my 2 cents.... You're right, but he is not in the mental state to be able to go through with it right now. 1
Noproblem Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 some girls like having other male friends and consider it ordinary You either deal with this fact or find another girl Just don't make a huge problem out of something that might be not a problem at all!
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You're right, but he is not in the mental state to be able to go through with it right now. He'll have to deal with it eventually.
SJC2008 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Other than asking you if you were OK with it she sees it her way and isn't taking your feelings into consideration. Trust is a fragile thing and boundaries help build trust. TBS you were a "nice guy" when you said ok all due respect. You need to enforce your boundaries and she'll either respect them and take your feelings into consideration or whe won't. If you want to salvage things have a good talk with her and see what happens.
lostwithnolove Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I really wish you were my boyfriend. Listen this girl is eventually going to end up doing something with him, no doubt about it, if I were you I would start hanging out with some girl, or pretend like there's some girl. Or you could confront her but i feel like confronting people is like shooting yourself in the head cause no one ever listens, so yeah either dump her or act like you have a "girl that's a friend". Hope that helps 1
Recommended Posts