"he's Just Not That Into You!"

[katie79]

Jilly,

I don't know your relationship, but from what you've told me, he doesn't exactly sound like a "great catch". He sounds like he's a little on the nutty side and somwhat insecure. To be frank, in my eyes, he had his chance to be with you. He shouldn't have messed it up the first time. He was a fool to let you go. Not to hurt your feelings, but it sounds to me like it's not HIM your afraid of being without, but you're more scared of not finding SOMEONE ELSE. I have been there to and still feel this way to an extent. Trust me, it's the wrong way to go. Like I said, you look like a very attractive woman, you seem like a smart person with a good heart, and I'm sure you have many other good qualities about you which we can see on "LOVESHACK." Believe me, you should never feel like you have to settle for someone's crumbs in fear of being alone. Even if you were alone, which I DOUBT you will be, better off alone than with someone who makes you completly miserable. Your alone time could be time for you to get things taken care of such as school, career, family issues, living issues, friends, and your overall mental attitude about yourself. With him in the picture, you will not move forward, he will drag you down and stunt your growth. On the other hand, you prob will meet someone else in the near future who you can gow and learn with. A man more worth your precious and valuable time.

 

At this point, this man is still continuing to be a jerk in various ways. Maybe he's a player, maybe he's immature, maybe he doesn't know how to express his feeling effectivly. But it really doesn't matter which one of these is appropiate for him, the point is, he's not appropiate for you.

 

Lastly, and don't take offense...you sound like a "giver" type. A giver excepts people's crumbs, rude behavior, and bad treatment. Givers attract takers, b/c takers know you are feeling bad about yourself and they can take as much out of you as they can b/c they know you'll put up with it in fear of being alone (due to a lack of confidence and a good overall attitude). I have been there before, and still remain a giver in some prospectives. Don't be this type of gal. Let him take his clothes, you can leave them on your front porch in a big box if you like, and get rid of him. Next!

[Jilly10340]

I'm not afraid of being alone. I know there's tons of other guys out there. One in particular I was dating before I met this guy. I broke things off but we still talk and I know he still has feelings for me. If I just wanted someone to be with, I could always be with him.

 

But this isn't the situation. I don't like this guy, I only like him as a friend. While I know I deserve better treatment from this guy I've been telling you about, I dumped him because i know that what he's giving me isn't what I want.

 

I only ask what I should do because I do believe in second chances. I've done some crappy things in my life to people and they've been forgiveful enough to give me a chance to prove that it's just not me. If they didn't do this, then I wouldn't be sitting here wondering if this guy CAN actually change.

 

Also, the first month and a half that I've known him, he was great. Calling all the time, sending flowers to my apartment, etc. He's only been this way in the past week after we got in our first "argument." He just seemed to draw away from me, which freaked me out and made me act weird toward him. The more weird I acted, the more he drew away. You can see how this would be a vicious cycle.

 

I'm not one to disregard a persons past behavior based on one crappy week. That's why I don't know what to do. A part of me thinks that maybe if we went back to dating and I gave him a chance to prove that's he's different and the type of person I want to be with that would be okay. Another part of me feels that he's had his chance, some people never change, and I should just walk. Another part just says that there's no harm in hearing what he has to say to me.

 

I don't know what to do.

[katie79]

I'm not sure either now that you put it that way.

If it makes you feel better, if he apologizes, tells you his big issue, and gives you enough confidence that this second chance is going to work, so be it. But keep in the back of your mind, he's hurt you before, he can hurt you again. Just be on guard for a while until honesty and trust has developed completly.

We've all done nasty things to people and we all get bit in the a$$ for it at some point in life, but that's life. That's why Ying & Yang symbols were invented! LOL!

[Jilly10340]

Thank you so much for your advice.

 

If he does say some "magic words" to get me back it won't be that easy. He would have to prove over time that he's someone I can trust. Sometimes I think it's a bad thing that I believe in forgiveness. But I also know that if I judged people based on their actions over a week or two, I would be missing out on some really good friends now.

 

What I need to figure out is that whether he deserves it or not. I'm not really sure. My ex stepped all over me too until I finally left his sorry a$$. I also gave him a second chance and he did the same thing. It's definately a gamble. I would definately date others until he proved himself though.

 

No waiting around for him, that's for sure.

[snilljente]

"We've all done nasty things to people and we all get bit in the a$$ for it at some point in life, but that's life. That's why Ying & Yang symbols were invented! LOL!"

 

Not everyone does nasty things to people.....I think it's a shame to justify behavior by saying this....personally, I don't remember being NASTY to anyone during the last 15 years or so...I am far from perfect, but if I feel that I am in the wrong, I apologize and I don't play games....it easy to be Mr. Nice guy when things are going smoothly, but in my opinion, it much more a gage of character to see how people handle the stressful times.

[Jilly10340]

I don't think that that statement was a justification of wrong behavior. I think that it was meant as a point in saying that sometimes good people do wrong things. And that just because they do these wrong things, that doesn't make them a bad person. It makes them human in that they made a mistake.

 

And if you haven't done ONE mean or unthoughtful thing to anyone in your life, then you're either really lucky or have no conscience. Can anyone in life seriously say that they have never hurt anyones feelings or did something that they regret? I seriously doubt it.

[snilljente]

I didn't say I hadn't done anything wrong in my life..I said that I haven't been NASTY (strong word!) towards anyone in many,many years......there's a difference between being rude, or grumpy or making a mistake about something vs. treating someone nasty....my guy this summer was Mr. Wonderful for about 6 weeks and then turned around and was cold, dishonest, deceitful...alll to a degree that I have not experienced before...It is hard for me to believe that he is a good person who just made a mistake because he was able to act "good" for several weeks....I think rather he was a conman and when the chase was over and he realized I had truly begun to care, he got scared....My point was that you have not been dating this guy this long, so to say that he has only been a jerk for a week....ok, so he was only a jerk one out of 8 weeks (?) that you knew him...I say strive for a higher percentage of niceness in a guy...that was my only point, we all make mistakes...but rarely do I go a whole week of treating someone like s$%&......a nice person can usually catch themselves making a mistake or right after and have the insight to apologize then and there.

[katie79]

I didn't mean "nasty" in such harsh terms as it appears to look. But it's very likely a great majority of the human population has been a little selfish, hostile, rude, or has rejected someone's feelings in some way. Sure, there are people out there who do some really unforgivable things.

 

Jilly, you sound like you have a pretty decent idea going. Good Luck!

[Jilly10340]

Thanks Katie!

 

Snill, everyone is different. I'm sorry that you've been hurt in such a way in the past to base your whole belief system of forgiveness on that one experience. And to say that Mr. Wonderful is a bad person because he doesn't like you is a little overboard. Just because he's that way to you that doesn't really say anything about his inner character. It just means he didn't like you enough to stick around once the "chase was over."

 

No offense. You have your beliefs, I have mine. I grew up believing in second chances and forgiveness. Yeah, I've been mean, cold, and hateful to people. But that doesn't make me a bad person, because i've been truely sorry after it's happened. Everyone has their reasons for the things they do. And most of the time it isn't because their a terrible person. They just make mistakes. If every person is a bad person because they've been cold, dishonest and deceitful then the human population is in desperate trouble.

 

And it doesn't make us bad, it makes us human.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by snilljente

a nice person can usually catch themselves making a mistake or right after and have the insight to apologize then and there.

 

Irrespective of your choice, Jilly, think of what Snilljente said. It's not like I do not understand a thing about being attracted to hottie with a bad boy attitude !

 

I think the most important thing is not to regret anything. If you think you're strong enough to give him another chance and walk away - again - if he gets things wrong, I say do it. Follow your instincts about him.

 

Most probably, in another month or so he'll show his true colors.

 

I wish you only the best,

 

Curly

[Nosmas]

It's not like I do not understand a thing about being attracted to hottie with a bad boy attitude

 

Now I can finally breath a sigh of relief, Curley ;

 

 

 

<<<<<<SIGH>>>>>>>>>>>

[Jilly10340]

If I would happen to give him another chance, it would be with a very high level of reserve until he can prove to me that he's really worth it. I refuse to be his gf or him my bf until he can do this. We would have to go back to dating, which is easier to walk away from than a relationship is.

 

I would definately not expect too much and take everything he says and does with a grain of salt.

 

But thanks everyone for the advice. If you have any more then by all means tell me!

[Scangie]

Just wanted to report that I got the book and it is great! Actually, parts of it were hard for me to read, because is it brutally honest and it made me feel stupid when I remembered how long I had held on to relationships in the past that were not satisfying -- all the clues were there; I should have seen it! [The book is actually funny, so it was a strange reading experience; I was laughing and crying at the same time!]

 

But, the bottom line is the contents of the book make you feel wiser and better equipped for the future -- I know I won't fall into those same traps again.

 

In fact, I have been seeing a guy recently who calls & emails, but doesn't seem super-interested in making plans for dates, one of the "he's just not that into you" signs. I just emailed him & told him that I wasn't getting the vibe that he was interested, and so I was ready to move on to find someone who was excited about spending time with me. I also said if I was misreading him, then to please let me know.

 

I feel good about this -- either he is interested, and he will have to step up, or I will be free from an emotional pit that probably would have cost me at least a month of time and energy. It really is freeing!

[Merin]

Originally posted by Scangie

Just wanted to report that I got the book and it is great! Actually, parts of it were hard for me to read, because is it brutally honest and it made me feel stupid when I remembered how long I had held on to relationships in the past that were not satisfying -- all the clues were there; I should have seen it! [The book is actually funny, so it was a strange reading experience; I was laughing and crying at the same time!]

 

But, the bottom line is the contents of the book make you feel wiser and better equipped for the future -- I know I won't fall into those same traps again.

 

In fact, I have been seeing a guy recently who calls & emails, but doesn't seem super-interested in making plans for dates, one of the "he's just not that into you" signs. I just emailed him & told him that I wasn't getting the vibe that he was interested, and so I was ready to move on to find someone who was excited about spending time with me. I also said if I was misreading him, then to please let me know.

 

I feel good about this -- either he is interested, and he will have to step up, or I will be free from an emotional pit that probably would have cost me at least a month of time and energy. It really is freeing!

 

I felt the same way when I read the book!

 

Very empowering though ... I had just finished it when my boyfriend called me

 

I was coming on feelin strong! he asked me what's up? I was like oh nothing, just been reading, he asked what I was reading, I told him *silence* LOL So like you (we've been together for almost 2 years) I was like "Okay so what's up!?"

 

It just felt so great!

[snilljente]

"Snill, everyone is different. I'm sorry that you've been hurt in such a way in the past to base your whole belief system of forgiveness on that one experience."

 

My whole belief system of forgiveness....on one experience? I shared one experience with you. This does NOT mean that my 'belief system' is based only on that particular experience. I have 35 years of experiences to base this on and I never said that I did not forgive or give second chances...but that if someone is NASTY to me....I do not need to have them as part of my life....especially when they don't even TRY to apologize or consider my feelings. I could settle for any a#$hole that comes my way....I have not trouble meeting men....but I am looking for someone with integrity.

 

"And to say that Mr. Wonderful is a bad person because he doesn't like you is a little overboard."

 

No, the point is that Mr. Wonderful wasn't Mr. Wonderful when it came down to it. I am not saying he is a BAD person, but that I am looking for someone with more integrity and strength of character...again, if I wanted to settle, I could do that.....ALSO, you know very little about him. YOu don't know about his past and that he is facing jail time and many other details that I could share...but this is not about me bashing him so I can feel better about him being with someone else....it's about him being with someone else behind my back.....lying about it....telling me he cared, missed me...all while he was with her.....it's about a man who at 33 years of age acted like a teenager,......gave his new gf my phone # so she could call and tell me all sorts of crap.....it's about a man not being a man.....if I thought he was sorry, or had any regret...I woiuld consider a second chance....but he was NASTY,....and has not shown an ounce of consideration for my feelings....so, sorry, I don't give second chances under those circumstances. You may have if you were in my situation, but this was not my choice....

 

"Just because he's that way to you that doesn't really say anything about his inner character. It just means he didn't like you enough to stick around once the "chase was over."

 

Maybe he liked the new gf more....I am not worried about how MUCH he liked me....or if he liked her more..I have based my comments on how he treated me. I am very happy with how I look, who I am...and two of the words that people that know his new gf well have said in regards to her are "b%^ch and ruthless"...so she and I are very different people....if he prefers her type...then that's his choice...I am not sure if he was about the chase....it could have been...I think alot of it was based on his low self-esteem and feeling bad about himself...i.e. you feel better when you are with a b%^&ch..if do yourself don't consider yourself such a great person....just a thought..obviously, he didn't have the decency to communicate with me at all and had her call me and do his dirty work...so I could second guess his motives forever....not gonna get an answer...it's his life and if he wants to through away a good thing for a girl who has been referred to as 'ruthless'....that's his choice.

 

"No offense. You have your beliefs, I have mine. I grew up believing in second chances and forgiveness. Yeah, I've been mean, cold, and hateful to people. But that doesn't make me a bad person, because i've been truely sorry after it's happened."

 

Exactly my point.....I am FAR from perfect...but decent people feel sorry.....and I too believe in forgiveness...but I do NOT believe in letting someone who has no remorse and runs me over emotionally back into my life in any way shape or form.....

 

"Everyone has their reasons for the things they do. And most of the time it isn't because their a terrible person. They just make mistakes. If every person is a bad person because they've been cold, dishonest and deceitful then the human population is in desperate trouble. "

 

No, not every one who has been cold, dishonest and deceitful are terrible people..only those that do it over and over again because of what it does for them...what they get out of it...and then show no remorse are terrible people.

 

"And it doesn't make us bad, it makes us human."

 

THere's alot of great people out there who will consider others' feelings as much as their own...and those are the people that I am happy to call my friends and spend my time with...Life is too short to settle for the remorseless....

 

Whether or not you give your guy a second chance...but be careful what type of conclusions you draw about people and their situations from the little that you find out about them via LS. Good luck.

 

p.s. what about your new guy? do you keep seeing him too if you get back with the ex?

[Jilly10340]

Okay, I see that I struck a nerve. Hey, I never meant any hard feelings or disrespect. You can only draw conclusions based on what you read on here. So I drew conclusion based on the information you gave. From the information you gave, he sounded like he turned all cold and dishonest on you for no reason. I never knew he cheated on you and all that. Under that circumstance, no I wouldn't give him a second chance.

 

What new guy? I'm not seeing anyone else. I said that I was dating a guy before the bf but I broke it off with him because I didn't like him. We're still friends and we talk a lot, but that's it. There is no new guy. But if there was a new guy and I did get back together with the ex then no, I wouldn't keep seeing him. I can only handle one guy at a time.

[snilljente]

"Okay, I see that I struck a nerve. Hey, I never meant any hard feelings or disrespect. You can only draw conclusions based on what you read on here. So I drew conclusion based on the information you gave. From the information you gave"

 

Exactly why drawing conclusions about people you don't know real well is never a good idea......apology accepted.

 

 

"he sounded like he turned all cold and dishonest on you for no reason. I never knew he cheated on you and all that. Under that circumstance, no I wouldn't give him a second chance"......

 

He said that he was going through terrible stress as a result of personal problems that he was going through and that it had nothing to do with me....that he still wanted to see me, bla bla bla....truth is..he was wining and dining her and with her 24/7.....NOT suffering due to his stress.....pathetic liar.....

 

"What new guy? I'm not seeing anyone else. I said that I was dating a guy before the bf but I broke it off with him because I didn't like him. We're still friends and we talk a lot, but that's it. There is no new guy. But if there was a new guy and I did get back together with the ex then no, I wouldn't keep seeing him. I can only handle one guy at a time."

 

I misunderstood..I thought you mentioned that you had really liked the previous bf and might start seeing him again..I agree...ONE man is more than enough! Good luck

[Jilly10340]

Well, this thread has been going on forever but I have one more question....

 

When we (me and the ex) we're emailing each other on Thursday, he said let's take the weekend to cool down and collect our thoughts and we would get together this week and chat. He hasn't emailed me or called me since then. Originally I wouldn't really care but he does have his stuff over at my house and he does need to come get it whether he wants to still "talk" or not.

 

Should I email him and ask him when this week he wants to get his stuff or "talk" or whatever? Or should I just wait until he gets a hold of me?

[CurlyIam]

Play along.

 

Don't call him, don't email him, don't do anything.

 

If he doesn't contact you by Thursday- Wendesday the least, but I'll stick to Thursday, mail him all his stuff and the hell with him. And if he does contact you on Thursday, settle a date for next week as you are busy this week end !

 

Nothing better than a taste of his own medicine, girl.

[abiyes]

if I had listened to one of my male friend,

 

when he wondered -> "how can you be interested in a 44 year-old man, who has never been married with no kids and who still lives with his parents ( apartment above)...plus who is obviously "too shy" to pursue you... "

 

After I gave him my number 1 month ago, he must have called only 5 times while I was not at home, and never left any messages and then never called back... And I kept hoping and waiting by the phone...Tonight I decided to end the mental torture of waiting after his calls. Took a service with my phone company to block his phone number.

 

I wish him good luck, I'm only 31 y/o and have my whole life to find a life partner....and desevre MUCH better!

 

Marie