katie79 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I just watched Oprah. A man wrote a book titled, "He's Just Not That Into You", where he discusses men's "fear of committment" boils down to how he's "just not that into you" altogether. When a man makes excuses why he can't commit to you, it means you should move on because he's not that crazy about you. Obviously, we are here to vent our problems about our relationship. Me as well as many other women talk about our commitment phobic boyfriends on here. Perhaps this man is telling us the truth.
Merin Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I bought the book and read it in about 2 hours.... It's an awesome book.... very empowering in so many ways. Ladies WE all deserve a guy that IS INTO US;) I recommend this book.
Author katie79 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 I'm thinking of buying just for fun and also b/c I saw the show for it. I might want to lend it out to some of my girlfriends too. If you say it's as good as you say it is, maybe I'll def get it! THXS!
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 OMG!!!!!!! I just got off the phone with my mom telling me about that show. She said that she watched it today and she thought of me. That's the problem I'm having with my current relationship. I dont think he's that into me. Wow, that was weird that that would come up as a topic.
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Okay, I actually just dumped my boyfriend over it. The past few days he's had to "think about things." When he called me tonight (15 min ago) I asked him if he's had any good thoughts lately and he said that he has and he wants to talk to me about them but this week is not looking good so it'll have to be next week. I called him back and told him that I was going to make it real easy for him and just let him go. If our relationship was that important to him then he would make talking about it with me a priority instead of waiting for an opening in his schedule next week. Go me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Scangie Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I saw the show today, and I was really struck by the things that were said. I know that often times when I read people's stories on these boards (particularly the women), I think the same thing, "He's just not that into you!" But I know do a lot of the rationalizing and excuse making that was discussed -- I have a hard time admitting when he's not that into me. The bottom line: if you have to ask someone if he's interested, he's not. If guys are really into you, they know how to show it. Doesn't matter how busy they are, doesn't matter if they are getting over past relationships, doesn't matter if they continue to write/call without ever moving the relationship forward. I'm going to get the book, too, but I really feel like I have a new attitude about dating -- if he's not completely excited about it, then I will move on 'til I find someone who is.
Author katie79 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 You go girl! LOL! I'm sorry it didn't work out. But things wil get better. You look like a very pretty girl, and you seem sweet too, you'll find a MUCH better guy! Watch, it'll happen next week! You did the right thing. I'm proud of you. No more worries with this man. Now you have the gift of moving on.
netrie Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 RED FLAG: The guy I was seeing came on real strong for the first 5 months and then he backed off slowly around month 5-6. Then I backed off; then he got closer etc. Crazy... So, its hard to say really. This may be a good book for a lot of women to read. I just never have a problem with men calling AND pursuing me----However, its always the one I fall in love with that breaks my heart. Maybe I am choosing the wrong men.
Grinning Maniac Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Why is this such a shocking concept? You really needed Oprah to do a show on this before you came to your senses? Really? *walks off laughing* Any one of you could have asked me that same question and I would have told you that. As a guy, if I REALLY like...let alone love someone, I'm pretty sure I'd get over whatever issues I had quickly and be with them if they made me happy. But that's just me.
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Grinning Maniac - it's not that simple. I didn't watch the show, but my mom told me what was said. She said that the guy said that if you have to make excuses for the thing the guy does or if you have to ask your friends what you should do about him, then he's not that into you. If a guy is into you, he'll make time to call you and pursue you. You just don't think about these things when you like a guy. I did make excuses for him and ask my friends what I should do. I just needed someone to point out that if these things are happening, he must not like me that much. Thanks, Katie! I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so much better!
Author katie79 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 I'm glad to hear you're feeling better now! Grinning Maniac- Your probably right---any guy can tell you this if you tell the the problem. It's just that most, not all, but a great deal of women out there make excuses for a guys behavior. Maybe b/c we're such complicated creatures, that's how we precieve the male species. Or perhaps we just don't want to face the bad music, get hurt, and be alone on a Sat night. The point is, this whole website is full of lost women. We see threads titled, "My bf won't commit", "It's been 3 weeks and he hasn't called", I lived with him 2 years and he doesn't want to get married", "Together 2 wonderful months, now he disappeared", blah..blah...blahhhh! Many women have problems facing the truth. To be honest, If I were a guy, I would just tell her next time she called, "Sorry, I'm not interested, please leave me alone." But whatever. Perhaps this book is a wake up call for us. It makes sense to me as well. Why sit there a nervous wreck with 10,000 different excuses in your head of why he doens't want to commit to you? It's obvious he isn't that hot on the trail for you. Who the F**** wants this? And I'm one to talk. I had a problem with my fiancee for a while. But I'll tell you one thing I've learned, if he gives me signs he isn't so serious, you better damn well bet I'll run out the door---some leave track marks! I'm buying this book to enhance my knowledge!
Zakar Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Jilly10340 - I'm curious how he took it. Please elaborate. Was he just like, "Oh? Interesting. Okay, bye then." Or what?
snilljente Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 What about the guy who is super into you....calls/comes over/wants to be with you all the time...talks about the future..buys you stuff and then as soon as he realizes you really care...he freaks....like Netrie..this was my experience...STRANGE?!
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Well, he called me and we were talking and I asked him if he'd thought things over yet and he said yeah, and he wanted to talk to me about some things. He said that the rest of this week just wasn't looking good to him so he would come over next week and we could talk. After we got off the phone I thought for a little bit and decided I'd had enough. So I called him back. the conversation pretty much went as follows: Me: I'm going to make this real easy for you and let you go Him: (long pause) Uh..... Me: If you really cared about me and this relationship you would make talking to me about it a priority instead of waiting for an opening in your schedule next week Him: You don't know anything Me: Anything about what? Him: You don't know anything about anything! Me: Yeah, because you won't tell me Him: I just can't do it until next week, and I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I want to sit down and talk to you about some things. This is ridiculous Me: No, what's ridiculous is that I spent time liking someone who doesn't really care about me. Good bye!
faux Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Firstly, When a man makes excuses why he can't commit to you, it means you should move on because he's not that crazy about you. The above is NOT necessarily true. There are numerous reasons as to why a PERSON (let us not confine this simply to men) may not be ready to commit. Some people need to spend a lot of time feeling comfortable enough to launch into something so heavy. There are times when a person does wants to wait to enter a serious relationship because they are not in a terribly good place in life. These things do not mean that one person does not really care about the other. I wonder if anyone will get negatively influenced by this book. Originally posted by Jilly10340 Well, he called me and we were talking and I asked him if he'd thought things over yet and he said yeah, and he wanted to talk to me about some things. He said that the rest of this week just wasn't looking good to him so he would come over next week and we could talk. After we got off the phone I thought for a little bit and decided I'd had enough. So I called him back. the conversation pretty much went as follows: Me: I'm going to make this real easy for you and let you go Him: (long pause) Uh..... Me: If you really cared about me and this relationship you would make talking to me about it a priority instead of waiting for an opening in your schedule next week Him: You don't know anything Me: Anything about what? Him: You don't know anything about anything! Me: Yeah, because you won't tell me Him: I just can't do it until next week, and I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I want to sit down and talk to you about some things. This is ridiculous Me: No, what's ridiculous is that I spent time liking someone who doesn't really care about me. Good bye! It appears someone already has been influenced, and perhaps negatively by this publication. Did it occur to you that your boyfriend (now ex thanks to this book) really meant that he wanted to sit down and talk to you? Did you take into consideration that something out of his control, something perhaps very embarrassing or private made it so that he simply could NOT talk to you until next week? I think that him saying he wanted to speak with you in person over the issues at hand was a good sign. On the other hand, if communication issues were a problem during your relationship, these problems should have been addressed when they first popped up. I would not feel so great if I ended a relationship with someone, just as she was attempting to take huge strides in confronting and sorting out communication issues. I find that many individuals prefer not to sit down and try to really solve, or talk about problems in relationships. To me, it seems clear that your ex really did want to talk to you about what was happening. I am now wondering if you have made a mistake in your judgement. How might you feel if you had to deal with something, or your schedule demanded so many responsibilities of you? How then might you feel if, at the moment you realized you needed to sort out issues in your relationship, your partner insisted that you did not care and left you? I hope you were correct in your decision, but I would have tried to see if he was really going to sit down and try to talk to you. ::shrug::
CurlyIam Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Jilly, no offence, but I certainly see where Grinned is comming from. I mean a show is just a show,although it does have an emotionale echo in your heart. Listen... you were acting.. like a woman! ( hahaha, ain't that funny ). Your bf understood nothing of what you were trying to say to him. He got absolutely nothing. Zero. Of course, I totally understang your hurt pride - him not finding enough time this week to talk to you. You desirve a closure. And I'm afraid you won't get it now. You need to understand than men get defensive when you are a bit hard on them. This is why I advise every girl on this planet to have at least one male friend. Prefferably a player. They can tell you plain and clear what men think with no hard feelings afterwards. Youget the male psychology pronto ! Anyway, back to your issue: it's very nice to be a sensitive person, to think about the show, about the resemblances with your life... but also at the differences. There is no "one good way" for everyone, only one truth. You should have at least given you as a couple, a chance. A chance to really talk, where you really listen. No problem has ever been solved over the phone. Not even business problems... Forgive me for saying this, but you are very impulsive and... did act rather childish. I do it to when I get really emotional, but it usually is because of something he did or said, not because of a show... How was your bf to defend himself? Or to tell you what you wanted to hear? He never knew what hit him... You gave him no chance to explain... Plus, I really don't understand. What do you want? To ask your hand in marriage? Oh, you're not his priority. Why don't you open your eyes and see if you have any fault in this? I'm not saying you do, but that there is a possibility it could be. And, decide exactly what you want, and remember that first and foremost, Oprah is just a show meant to sell. It simply doens't pay off to ruin a relationship over it. Cheers, Curly P.S. I advice you to step on your pride and call him, apologise for your being that irrational and meet him for a cup of coffee. Go there knowing what to ask, knowing what you really want and need. You, not your mom or anyone else. Do this if you think your relationship desirves to fight over.
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 For the past two weeks he's given me nothing. He calls to make plans then cancels. He says he'll call and he doesn't. He says he's busy but he's really going out drinking with friends. All I've done is cry and tell him I care so much about him and he doesn't respond. Do I deserve that? No, I don't think anyone does. Oh, and I know his plans. He has none. He could've made it over to my house to talk about this but you know what his big plans were last night to where he couldn't do that? The season premiere of Law and Order was on. Can't miss that for your gf. I've taken a lot of crap from him. Example: Last week we were supposed to spend Friday together. I was going to stay over at his apartment. An hour and a half before he was supposed to pick me up he called to say that his boss and friends from work were going out drinking so he couldn't see me because he didn't want to feel pressured to leave them at a certain time. Is that reasonable. I let that go. The really funny part is that the monday before I was supposed to see him he called and said that he forgot that he made plans to hang out with his roommate and he couldn't cancel them because he would be mad if his roommate ever canceled on him. Isn't what he did to me that same situation? Oh, so I made plans to see him on Tuesday and he canceled those too. Do I want him to ask me my hand in marriage? No. But I do expect to see him at least once a week. I don't think that is too much to ask. I don't want him to give me any crap about not spending time with his friends when he hung out with them sunday, monday, tuesday, thursday and friday. I don't think I was being too hard on him. I think I deserve someone who doesn't have to think about whether they like me or not. No, the show isn't what made me break up with him. It was just time to call it quits. You can only make so much of an effort to be with someone. I tried my best. So before you all gang up on me for being a woman at least hear the whole story. What I've said above is only the half of it.
sunlight Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Jilly you did well and should be proud of yourself. I and other women that just sit and wait. That damn waiting game, enough, "men and women" I will wait no more. And its wonderful that you seen this in your so called relationship, it really is a waste of time. Someone out there will be there, and will be happy to see you as they should be. Its time to put yourself first and when someone else is worth it, and will put you first as well, then it is time to put them first. And both will feel as they are #1. Everyone deserves that. If that is to hard for others at the moment in time, don't wait, get on with your life. As fate has it, whats ment to be will be in the end. So everyone stop frigging waiting. Also, I will agree, relationships are hard, lots of work, communication, but seriously there is more to life then being in love. Love, how it is in todays eyes, is most definitly not everything.
CurlyIam Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Hey, Jilly, cool down ! You said nothing of how p your bf treated you before. Plus, no one gang up against you girl. The easiest thing in the world would be for me to tell you: You go girl!!!! Girl power !!!! Girls rule !!! I am not. I was asking you not to flame up over a show. That's all. To cool down and think things through, calmly.If you think you shoud break up afterwards, do it. But do it because you thought so, not under the influence of a TV Show, for God's sake. Of course I understand your pov. But... it's 2 years you're throwing away. At least do it well. Like face to face. And then pack his stuff and put it in his arms. I am not questioning your judgement, but the "why". Because it's always easy to give up and always hard to stay and fight. Think again, Jilly,about what giving good and bad advice is,about how easy it is to be telling what you want to hear and not look deeper into the issue. Cool down and be sure that no one here is your foe. We are trying to help, but we are all different. I'm from Eastern Europe, there are people herefrom Italy, England, Australia, Canada with a diversity of pov and opinions... Try to benefit from this diversity. I found it most enriching...
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Sorry if my last post was kind of harsh. I just get mad when I'm called childish for refusing to be walked all over. The show helped me see what wasn't really there. I never thought anything of making excuses for him not seeing me and canceling plans and such. When it was pointed out to me, I really had to think if that was what I should be doing in a relationship. And in a good relationship, you should never have to wonder whether the other person likes you or not. and if you do wonder, then there's something wrong. I wondered....
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Oh, now I understand where you pov came from! LOL I wasn't going out with him for two years, not even close. I've only been dating him for about a month! I think you got me mixed up with someone else. If I was with him for two years there would have been MUCH more thought put into my decision.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Hi Jilly, I have read your posts, and I have to say congratulations for being strong and ending this one. His not being able to "fit you in" until next week attitude is not an isolated event. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be around you. And if you can't find that relationship, why not be alone? You weren't gaining companionship from this relationship anyway. I think that the book or whatever it was touted on Oprah is a very simple message: if someone is into you, they will make time for you. This doesn't mean that they will be ready for marriage. But it does mean that they will make it a priority to see you because they love to be in your presence.
CurlyIam Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Aaarrrrrgggghhh.... I read for the last two years, not weeks! I am silly !!!!! Sorry!
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 It's okay! I wondered why you got so up in arms about dumping him. I mean, a few weeks relationship isn't worth all this drama so I let him go. Now TWO YEARS....that's a different story!
CurlyIam Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Hahahaha! I couldn't understand how a showcould trigger such a sever response as to dump a guy after 2 years. And I was afraid to ask how it was before for fear I might hurt your feelings! Two weeks? You were too nice. I mean you actually called him. I would have been out hanging out with my friends and let the robot pick up his messages. You know, a taste of his own medicine! No hard feelings... just pure fun and totally over him ! Ignore the man and tell us if he looks you up next week, will you?
Recommended Posts