ps123 Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 So, Im kind of confused about what to do here. Ive been seeing someone for almost 8 weeks now. Things seem to be going ok, but I would like to know where shes at with things. I tried to bring it up at about 4 or 5 weeks and needless to say, it didnt go well, but I sensed this and backed off from the conversation and it didnt seem to effect anything. Anyway, I still cant really tell where shes at with things. She still sends some mixed signals and is hard to read sometimes. We spend maybe 2-3 nights a week together and things go good when were together. Im kind of wondering if I should just come out and ask or what. Would that be a bad idea? Is 8 weeks too short to ask something like that? Im not asking for a commitment or anything, Id just like to know if she thinks this is working and Id also like to know if shes still interested in dating other people. Would my asking come out as insecurity? Sometimes I think it would and other times I realize Im simply asking for some clarification on where things are headed. I know i should be able to just sense these things, but shes really hard to read. Its also difficult because shes not too open about talking about her feelings. Sometimes I get the feeling that shes just dating me till something better comes along...im not sure why I feel that way but I do. Thanks for reading.
bluechocolate Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I don't think it's too soon to establish what is going on with the two of you. Funnily enough when I was dating 2 months used to be the time when I would have that conversation. other times I realize Im simply asking for some clarification on where things are headed. And you have every right to do so. If you like this girl & would like the chance to take the relationship further then tell her that. And be firm about your boundaries too. Like if you are going to be an "item" that means no outside dating - that sort of thing. This doesn't mean you're instantly thinking about marriage & babies. In the first couple of months you're still discovering each other & during that time either one is free to see & date other people, but a point has to come when the relationship moves on or out. And after that first couple of months its simply a matter of "if we're together then we're together & it's just us, if you want to be free to see other people then fine, but count me out.". I don't see that as insecurity at all. In fact, quite the opposite. Of course you have to be prepared to walk away as she may not be ready or even want to just date one guy - but I would always rather that happened sooner than later.
Author ps123 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Yeah it is pretty much getting that that point that I dont want to be seeing anyone else. The hardest part is like you said, Im not sure Im prepared to walk if shes not ready to have it be just the two of us. This is the first woman Ive liked this much in years so the whole thing is scary as hell. Part of me needs to know so I can move on before I get in any more deep, and another part says to just wait it out and things will become more clear on thier own. Part of me is scared to ask and hear something I dont want to, but at the same time, Im also scared to wait it out only to have it hurt more later. Sheesh....I thought this dating stuff was supposed to be fun . Im leaning more towards not saying anything this weekend yet, unless she brings something up that gives me a good lead into the subject.
manofmystrey Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 ps123 U are in a hard place. But u dont want to tell her in way where she thinks u are giving her a altimatum u want to tell her how u feel but u also dont want to scar her off. I am sure if u tell her how u feel she will appreciate that, but after like 2-3 months of dating u dont want to tell her u want to marry her or anything like. Just go with the flow. When the time is right to tell her u will know. By thinking about it u will drive urself nuts and u will come off as pre occupied to her and u dont want her to think that u are no longer interested in her. When the time is right it will just come out u will know the right words and u will now the right moment. But I agree with u about the dating thing being fun. Good luck.
SoleMate Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Bluechocolate got it right on. It's a fair question to ask, as long as you do it nicely. I would even take it earlier and make sure that the other person wants the same thing I want, BEFORE I get in too deep. EXAMPLE: Even after a few casual dates, it's reasonable to talk about relationships in general and say, "It isn't my practice to be closely involved with someone who is also seeing other people. Casual dating with several people is OK, but I just am not comfortable having an intimate relationship with someone who is not totally devoted to me." Or whatever your own personal standard is. This is not desperate by any means, quite the contrary. It shows that you know what you want and won't settle for less. I don't know that there is any particular way you can manage the conversations with your current girl to get her around to deciding to be exclusive. I'll give you the same advice that usually goes to women: "If you want a monogamous relationship, talk about it BEFORE you climb into bed. That's when your negotiating position is strongest. Once you accept a certain level of non-committed behavior, it's hard to talk the other party into restrictions unless they also want to." Im not asking for a commitment or anything, Id just like to know if she thinks this is working and Id also like to know if shes still interested in dating other people. The first question is a fine one. The second will sound a bit controlling, but you can take the risk if you want. However, are you being fully honest when you say you don't want a committed, exclusive relationship? Sounds to me like you do, but just don't feel comfortable "admitting" it. Sometimes I get the feeling that shes just dating me till something better comes along...im not sure why I feel that way but I do. Sometimes these instincts and feelings are good indicators. It is very possible that this is exactly what she is doing. If you were sure that that was how she was feeling, would you want to end it now? Bottom line: Don't be afraid to have standards, to know what you want, and to withhold your full attentions until you know that SHE is on the same page. You have to love yourself first, before you can really believe that someone else will love you too.
findinmyway Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I don't think it's out of line at this point, nor would/should you appear insecure. Just approach it tactfully and be prepared for any answer. Don't ask if she's ready to get married or anything, just what's up with you. Esp in your case where you spend many nights together. I think I read somewhere - dating handbook (jk) - really, can't remember....Anyway, 2 mos is considered a very appropriate stage to establish some groundrules like this.
Author ps123 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Well, as far as talking about it before climbing into bed....its too late for that. We did agree after having sex the first time to not sleep with other people though, so I at least know where we stand on that. As far as talking to her about it...I like the suggestion to make sure it doesnt seem like an ultimatum and Im also not going to try to get her to commit to seeing just me. I would like it if that was the case, but Im not going to push it for right now. I mostly just want to know if shes thinking more long term or if she just thinks we're casually dating. As far as admitting to just wanting to date her. Im not afraid to admit that at all. I definitely want to date just her and Ive told her that Im not dating anyone else. She just seems to get kind of evasive when I bring anything like that up which leads me to believe shes not to the point of wanting to talk about this yet. And as far as what findinmyway said, Im not sure Im prepared for just any answer right now...in fact, Im scared as hell of what some of the answers might be . We're doing something tomorrow night. I think Ill just kind of play it by ear and see if a good opportunity comes up where I can talk about it. If not...Im going to try to be patient and wait for the right time. Any suggestions on what to say? Thanks
findinmyway Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 If it were me....and sometimes I act a little tooo nonchalant (sp?) in situations like this.... I would approach something like this: "I kinda want to talk to you about something. It's not a issue or anything like that, but a couple of people have asked about us lately, are we "dating", stuff along that line. I wasn't sure how to answer, so I kinda wonder myself. I know we agreed not to sleep around while we're together. But, I'm not sure what that means. What do you think about us, our RS?" By leaving the question open ended to her, you'll get to gauge her response and respond to her accordingly.
bluechocolate Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 We did agree after having sex the first time to not sleep with other people though, so I at least know where we stand on that. ...and Im also not going to try to get her to commit to seeing just me. Just to commit to only sleeping with you? I'm a bit confused. So it's OK by you that she can put herself out there emotionally, just not physically? Sorry mate, but that doesn't make any sense. Maybe I've been out of the dating scene for too long now, but I would think that if she is free to "see" other people then there is the distinct possibility that she will eventually want to have sex with some or one of these other people. I mostly just want to know if shes thinking more long term or if she just thinks we're casually dating. You've been seeing each other for a couple of months now & have agreed to have a mutually exclusive sexual relationship. As far as I'm concerned you've already gone beyond "casual" dating. Any suggestions on what to say You have to be prepared to tell her what YOU want from this relationship and be clear about it. That is not the same as laying down an ultimatum. Im scared as hell of what some of the answers might be That's the problem. But if you're willing to compromise & settle for less than you want (and probably less than you deserve) then you may just keep her in the short term but it won't last & you'll be way more miserable than you think you would be now.
Author ps123 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Those are some good points (by everyone). Your comment about being out there emotionally is a good one. I guess it was kind of a false sense of security thing. If shes not sleeping with anyone else, Im safe, etc. I realize now that thats not the way to think. Yes I agree that we're not just casually dating, at least in my mind. Im still confused as to why she reacts the way she does when I try to bring up the subject. Thats good advice about just saying what I want and need. Unfortunately, Ive been neglecting myself and what Im needing in this...and its making me miserable at times. The last thing about keeping her short term but being miserable long term is something thats been on my mind all week. Im not sure where Im at with that. I hope this doesnt end up being one of those things that hurts like hell to do, but is the right decision in the long run. Had to deal with that last year and it was hard as hell.
Stellar Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 ps123, i'm exactly in the same boat as you. i'm really rapt in this guy but i too am getting mixed signals. i have a feeling he may be dating around but i can feel myself getting more and more attached to him. i know he really likes me, but i don't think he's ready to take it any further. it's tormenting - do i hang in there and wait, so to speak, or do i lay my cards on the table now and get hurt? on the other hand, if i wait, i can't be guaranteed anything, can i? i haven't met a guy this great in ages and that's what torments me.
Author ps123 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Posted September 27, 2004 Yup, we are in exactly the same place. I really like this woman and figured out a few things this weekend that were causing some of the mixed signals (she doesnt trust who I am, or men in general), but its still hard. To top things off, after having a great Friday night together, she didnt call like she said she would this weekend, and didnt return my call on Sunday. So, yes, tormenting would be one way to put it. Ive made up my mind to sit down with her the next time we meet and get this all out in the open. Im trying to prepare myself for whatever happens, but I just know I cant go on living like I am now. Its too difficult. Im pretty scared to hear the answer also. Im pretty sure shes not dating anyone else, and we agreed not to sleep with anyone else, but Im still worried. Like you said too, Im afraid to let this go any longer. I think I may be falling in love with this woman and I dont want to get in any deeper to just have her tell me in a few weeks that its not working for her. How long have you been dating him?
SoleMate Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 You know, to me, the not calling and not returning calls are BIIIIGGG warning signs, if it continues (and assuming it's not just a technology failure). It means that she knows that you want to talk to her, but can't be bothered to take even a few moments to give you a quick hello. I understand that people get busy, but not even taking a few moments makes it clear that you are not on her priority list. If that is the way it turns out, my condolences. Oh...she "doesn't trust men in general"? Well, there you go.
Stellar Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Originally posted by ps123 How long have you been dating him? We've been, well, I suppose you'd call it dating, for a couple of months now. And as cheesy as it sounds, it feels like we've been friends for a lot longer than that. Originally posted by ps123 Yeah it is pretty much getting that that point that I dont want to be seeing anyone else. The hardest part is like you said, Im not sure Im prepared to walk if shes not ready to have it be just the two of us. This is the first woman Ive liked this much in years so the whole thing is scary as hell. Part of me needs to know so I can move on before I get in any more deep, and another part says to just wait it out and things will become more clear on thier own. Part of me is scared to ask and hear something I dont want to, but at the same time, Im also scared to wait it out only to have it hurt more later. Sheesh....I thought this dating stuff was supposed to be fun. Honestly, I feel you are my male clone right now! Everything you have just described is EXACTLY how I'm feeling. And funnily enough, I even commented to a girlfriend the other day that I thought dating was supposed to be fun...and right now, I'm not particularly enjoying myself. I heard a profound quote from the movie 'Sliding Doors' the other day: "I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry F***ing Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is valid and that I may board the train. Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed and as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! Yeah....I feel like I'm on the platform at Limbo Central, waiting for his Express to roll in, only the driver of this train has no idea I want to board and I'm not sure if I should buy a bloody ticket. Originally posted by ps123 Im leaning more towards not saying anything this weekend yet, unless she brings something up that gives me a good lead into the subject Uh huh. I hear you. I know in my heart that I should say something, but I also feel I should ride it out a bit more...but will that only lead to me getting hurt? Aaargh! It's not difficult, but it is!!! I've only just noticed that you replied to my 'lonely' post. I must get back to you on that, and will do very shortly (I'm currently at work) *tsk tsk*!!
PR Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by Stellar ps123, i'm exactly in the same boat as you. i'm really rapt in this guy but i too am getting mixed signals. i have a feeling he may be dating around but i can feel myself getting more and more attached to him. i know he really likes me, but i don't think he's ready to take it any further. it's tormenting - do i hang in there and wait, so to speak, or do i lay my cards on the table now and get hurt? on the other hand, if i wait, i can't be guaranteed anything, can i? i haven't met a guy this great in ages and that's what torments me. Stellar, I read your later posting about boarding the train--great comparison-- and what I would do is to take stock of your own life right now. Give yourself a bit of time away and ask yourself what it is that draws you to this guy. Is it mere infatuation, or could there be something more? Also, you need to understand that as good as you may think he is, he does have his faults/problems. I think you may be only seeing the good. Be fair to him and realize that you take the good with the bad. If you are unsure at this point, that's okay. Just so you don't ruin the chance of something good happening, I would not break everything off completely. Keep in touch every once in a while. Have coffee, talk on the phone, etc. Is he dating around? Maybe, maybe not. What kind of guy is he?
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