How to initiate a difficult conversation with your significant other 101

[HokeyReligions]

There are so many people who want to tell their partner something, but don’t know how to do it. There have also been a lot of people with good advice about how to do that. Maybe they’ll add their perspective and experience here.

 

From my experience:

 

Before you initiate a conversation, determine what outcome you would like to see at the end of the conversation.

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-Do you want a divorce/break up?

 

-Do you want a better sex life? How? What do you want from your partner? What changes do you want to make yourself?

 

-Do you want to confess to something that you know is ‘wrong’ for your relationship? (infidelity / lies / fallen out of love / not sexually attracted / in a rut / etc.)

 

-Do you want to reconcile?

 

-Do you want to start counseling?[/color]

 

MAKE time for an uninterrupted conversation. Look at your schedule and your partner’s schedule. Set aside a block of time (hour or two at least) to have the discussion.

 

If your conversation is likely to be painful for your partner, or inspire anger, make sure that neither you nor your partner needs to leave the discussion and go on to something for which they need to not be stressed. (work – dangerous occupation, drive long distances, etc.)

 

But also make sure that you both can be alone (or with other friends/family if you want) after the conversation and are not forced to stay around each other. If you live together, make arrangements to leave for a while, or allow your partner time to leave and cool off.

 

You can tell your partner that you would like a conversation date because you have some concerns about your relationship and feel that you two need to be able to give each other undivided attention. If you have kids, get a sitter or send them to a friends house to spend the night.

 

Begin the conversation by stating that you have some things that you think your partner needs to know. Admit that these things may cause some emotional pain (say something like: “What I’m going to say is going to hurt you, and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do, but I owe you the truth”)

 

Do not expect your partner to have a logical or rational response (depending on what you are telling them). Allow them time to think about what you have said and what you want to happen.

 

Don’t be afraid to have some notes in front of you so that you don’t miss something. If your partner questions this, tell him/her that its important and you don’t want to become emotional yourself and either forget something, or get sidetracked.

 

Tell your partner what you need to tell them.

 

Tell your partner what outcome you are hoping for (step one)

 

Tell your partner that you know they need time to process all of this and think about what THEY want the outcome to be.

 

Ask them if they have any questions for you.

 

Tell them that if and when they are ready, you are willing to set another ‘conversation date’ and discuss their feelings and what they want.

 

If you live together, suggest that perhaps you should both talk about setting new boundaries in the household. This is where you might decide to sleep in different bedrooms, fix your own meals, split up responsibilities differently from what they are now, or confirm that you will keep things as they are now.

 

If you don’t live together, or decide to move out and initiate a no-contact rule at this point – set boundaries for that too. No dating others, no sex with others, hanging with friends is okay, etc. YOU set your separation boundaries together.

 

This is important especially if you stay in the same house because it gives each of you an anchor point in the house and reduces the feeling of insecurity.

 

If your partner does talk about their feelings, wants, etc. then listen. Don’t interrupt except to ask for clarification. Don’t get defensive. If you think you are getting defensive, tell your partner to give you a second because you are feeling defensive. Be open and honest.

 

If you don’t understand what your partner is saying (or even if you think you do understand) take what they said and repeat it back to them, but in your own words.

 

For example: If my husband said to me: “All you do is complain about sex and when we do have sex you just lay there”

 

I might say: “Ok, to make sure I understand, you are disappointed in our sex life because you don’t get any positive feedback from me, and I don’t take as active a part as you would like me to?”

 

If he says ‘yes’ then I might ask him to think about ways in which he thinks I could improve and we might decide to talk about that part later in detail – including bringing up my concerns and suggestions. Or, if that is the crux of the problem, then take the conversation further using the same technique. Listen, Reword, Repeat until you fully understand what your partner is saying, and you are confident that your partner fully understands what you are saying.

 

Don’t just complain or unload. Have some goals in mind for yourself and set some goals with your partner for your relationship. Otherwise, it’s a gripe session and nothing is moving forward except negative emotions.

[Breathe]

This is really GREAT advice Hokey - I agree with you. However, for those that can't communicate how they feel or have trouble showing emotions... how do you get someone like this to give you feedback and/or open up and talk. You ask a non-communicative person "Is anything wrong?" You get "Nope - nothing" etc. You know they have something on their minds, but you just can't get it out of them. This is also a problem for some. Any thoughts?

[HokeyReligions]

My husband is one of those.

 

I don't ask him what's wrong, I tell him that I can tell he is bothered about something. He has something on his mind or his heart. I tell him that I'm ready to listen to him, no matter what -- even if he needs me to be a sounding board and give him no feedback.

 

I give him time to formulate what he wants to say to me and I don't demand a response right away, but I do demand a response and I tell him that.

[quankanne]

I also think that when you're in a love-relationship with someone (marriage, family, seriously dating someone you care deeply about), there needs to be an understanding that even if you are upset about something, or if an uncomfortable subject is going to be brought up, that doesn't change how you intrinsically feel about that person.

 

I think a lot of times people believe that because someone is upset with their behavior, or with the way a situation is working out, or even about something possibly happening, they get into their heads that this means the other person will not or does not love them.

 

I know when we first married, I had to explain long and hard to my husband that no matter how pissed off I got, or if I gave him the silent treatment, that didn't change the fact that I love him; I just need time to work through these emotions so we can address the situation in a more productive manner.

[snarky]

Breathe: My boyfriend of 2.5 years is like that and it makes me absolutely batty. I'm totally the opposite (WANT to talk about whats on my mind, WANT to work things out...). I get so SO frustrated when I can tell whats wrong and ask him and he says "nothing" or "I'm fine" ... I take it personally and feel like its something I'M doing!! If anyone knows how a hyper-communicative person can learn to deal with a noncommunicative person... PLEASE share!