CatGirlz Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Hi, I'm 41 and my boyfriend of nearly 3 months is 42. I have always felt that he is a little more difficult to know than other men I have dated. He doesn't share any details of his past relationships, even though I've told him some details of mine. The most I ever "got out of him" was when I point blank asked him if he has ever lived with anyone (no) and when his last relationship was (1.5 years ago). I met him through a mutual friend's birthday party, and is it turns out he was kind of hiding that fact that they for a time had been "hanging out" (I guess not quite dating) 6 months earlier. He told me when we met that he didn't know her very well, and then once when we were out I was texting this friend and asked him if I should tell her he said hi and the response was "she might be jealous". Then I found out. I discussed this with her and found out it wasn't really a big deal, so I was OK with it. Also I don't really hear about his friends, or know if he really has that many. He doesn't tell stories like you would expect to hear, like "once my friend XYZ and I went to XYZ and XYZ happened". He doesn't always tell me what he's been doing or what his plans are. I don't necessarily think it's anything bad, he has a lot of land and does a lot of upkeep, but it's just weird. And he goes biking regularly with a group too. Another strange thing is he lives next door to his parents and always has. I've met his dad a few times and twice they got into what I would say is a pretty heated argument right in front of me! I felt really uncomfortable. That is the most emotion I've ever seen out of him. Sexually things are a little weird too. He is pretty passive and likes it when I am on top. I've given him oral sex but he hasn't done that for me, and when I asked about it he implied it was "kinky" and that "he would like to do it but would need some feedback on how he's doing". Also, I feel weird about saying this, but he is really small. The smallest man I've ever been with. Thanks for listening! Any thoughts appreciated.
Babolat Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Well, I can be guarded at times myself. 3 months is not a long time, but it's enough time to start letting some guards/walls down. You may just have to be direct with him and tell him what you want and need when it comes to this. And try to find a compromise that works for both of you. And the small comment kind of threw me off, not sure how that is related to your question. Is that an issue for you?
Author CatGirlz Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 He has a lot of good qualities too. He is funny, intelligent, adventurous (though not in bed), and also very down to earth even though he has done a lot in life. I seem to go back and forth about whether he is hiding something from me or is really just kind of naive. Like is there some kind of serious issue from the past or is he really inexperienced with relating to women? I don't want to harass him about it but I don't want to be blindsided either. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Hi, I'm 41 and my boyfriend of nearly 3 months is 42. I have always felt that he is a little more difficult to know than other men I have dated. He doesn't share any details of his past relationships, even though I've told him some details of mine. The most I ever "got out of him" was when I point blank asked him if he has ever lived with anyone (no) and when his last relationship was (1.5 years ago). I met him through a mutual friend's birthday party, and is it turns out he was kind of hiding that fact that they for a time had been "hanging out" (I guess not quite dating) 6 months earlier. He told me when we met that he didn't know her very well, and then once when we were out I was texting this friend and asked him if I should tell her he said hi and the response was "she might be jealous". Then I found out. I discussed this with her and found out it wasn't really a big deal, so I was OK with it. Also I don't really hear about his friends, or know if he really has that many. He doesn't tell stories like you would expect to hear, like "once my friend XYZ and I went to XYZ and XYZ happened". He doesn't always tell me what he's been doing or what his plans are. I don't necessarily think it's anything bad, he has a lot of land and does a lot of upkeep, but it's just weird. And he goes biking regularly with a group too. Another strange thing is he lives next door to his parents and always has. I've met his dad a few times and twice they got into what I would say is a pretty heated argument right in front of me! I felt really uncomfortable. That is the most emotion I've ever seen out of him. Sexually things are a little weird too. He is pretty passive and likes it when I am on top. I've given him oral sex but he hasn't done that for me, and when I asked about it he implied it was "kinky" and that "he would like to do it but would need some feedback on how he's doing". Also, I feel weird about saying this, but he is really small. The smallest man I've ever been with. Thanks for listening! Any thoughts appreciated. this guy has probably had some damaging sexual experiences........from what you have written i am gathering that...wanting feedback on performance concerning oral if he did it, needing to be reassured he is doing the right thing, insecure about size and i conclude probably has been ridiculed.......women can be cruel and judgmental when it comes to penis size.......and performance on oral.....you need to be a patient person, you need to give him space to be himself and open up.......you need to be open with what you expect from the relationship......if you care about this guy you will...... i have talked to quite a few guys who have had some really damaging sexual experiences.....met up with some really thoughtless women who think its funny to degrade a man on his sexual prowess.....the fact is....i think they suck as teachers those women...whinging when it is partly them to begin with........you can teach any guy how to please you....and like with any form of teaching you do it with compassion love respect and honesty...most men who have been taught the wrong can choose to listen and be taught the right ...and most men want to please the woman they are with ...unless they are dicks then they just dotn care.......its hard for men to get over hangups...not easy....my ex ......wouldnt even undress in front of me when he didnt have a hard on, wouldnt let me touch him when it wasnt erect...... when i first met him........i changed that...through boosting his self esteem...and teaching him how to make me sigh my way to bliss......i boosted him too much...i guess, because he became a serial cheat...but i believe that confidence building with a partner is part of the job description.....smilin......you make them feel good about everything they do you encourage and support........then that spills over into openness and yes....fun........give it time......patience.......and i understand why you are with him......dont listen to nay sayers....i wish you well.....all you can do is do your best ..it helps when you think no one is perfect everyone has issues.....but it is probably going to be worth the effort....for both of you........good luck ...deb Edited May 1, 2013 by todreaminblue
pcplod Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Forgive me CatGirlz, but I had a 'small' laugh at your enjoinder in your last paragraph. First it had me wondering what really was the point of your post; his introspectiveness or his small penis? Is it material in some way or isn't it? Anyway, my guess, for that would all that it would be, is that he is the incomplete article, but then we all are, one way or another. It's just a matter of degrees after that. He simply hasn't matured to the stage that I would expect that a man of 42 would typically have by now. Having said that, there are an awful lot of men who fit into that category at that age. In fact they don't seem to emotionally mature beyond the age of 16 in psychological or emotional terms but maybe because they are superficially upbeat, upfront, gregarious and a bit 'out there', an awful lot of women seem to be attracted to them at a superficial level to only find out thereafter that basically that is it and there is no hidden golden nuggets yet undiscovered. Your current partner lacks maturity in a way that is rather obvious to you basically from the get go. The revelation is probably not a good one from your perspective. He may lack presence of mind, hence having humdinger arguments with Pa in front of you.He may still be under the undue influence of his father, hence his domestic proximity and the arguments. He may not be confident enough to assert himself, constructively, logically and for the usual part, calmly.He isn't mature enough to open himself up to you without fearing what sort of impression he may create or not create, for that matter. He should at least be able to discuss why he is so circumspect. If his life story is one of "not much" then he would be better having it out there and done with.It is possible, if not probable that he shies away from creating personal relationships with others whether they be just friends or lovers. His domestic arrangements may have a bearing on this.It sounds that like a lot of people he is quite conservative in terms of his approach to life that he lacks the courage and confidence to push himself into unfamiliar territory. When the subject of cunnilingus came up between you, he did say that you would have to provide him with feedback. I don't know whether that surprised you in a 42 yr old man but I would argue that it should not in practice no matter how experienced or inexperienced a man should be. The experience with every woman is going to be at least subtly different. Therefore, I would expect that communication and feedback during "the act" would be the default, the norm. Why should it not be? So, can I safely assume you said "Why, of course, no problem", or at least words to that effect? PS. If he isn't the 'finished article' does he at least have any potential to evolve, even at 42? It may be improbable but not impossible. Some people really do have moments of catharsis that do change their lives in a really radical way. On the other hand, if always a mummy's boy then maybe always a mummy's boy. Under such circumstances would you want to be mummy? I'm not saying that is what you face but you need to be sure that isn't going to happen. There are a lot of things he needs to reveal to you about himself before you would commit any further, no matter how reticent he may be. Edited May 1, 2013 by pcplod
Author CatGirlz Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 There are a lot of things he needs to reveal to you about himself before you would commit any further, no matter how reticent he may be. Yep, that's for sure. I don't know where to draw the line between giving it time and harassing him for answers.
Babolat Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Yep, that's for sure. I don't know where to draw the line between giving it time and harassing him for answers. What is your gut/inner voice telling you?
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