Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Betrayal is betrayal. So for you it makes no difference. A valid viewpoint and not uncommon. Perhaps the healthiest viewpoint. Ask yourself this: If numerous attractive members of the opposite sex were interested in me right now, would I stay with my wayward spouse...or would I seek a partner who has never betrayed me before? Good way to think about it. I don't think having or not having others attracted to me would affect my failure to decide if I want to stay or not. The things that make me indecisive are things like, will she do it again? Things I can't know. Things that would be unknown about any new person I decided to give a chance with me. Finally, how would you know whether the affair was only emotional? Now you are really getting back to why I stared this thread. I know my wife's affair was both EA and PA. I knew about the EA first. It did not bother me to the point that I wanted a divorce. It was a problem. But I thought she would Never go PA. That she could not. She did. Now of course I see I should have left when the EA started if she would not end that. I feel ridiculously stupid that I did not know that. But back to the point. I only feel stupid bc of course an EA could and likely will become a PA if you keep at it long enough. But the EA part of what happened still does not pain me all that much. If that was were it ended and she had not gone to a PA, I'd not be he wondering if I should leave her. I'd not be tortured by thoughts of what if?? Not be tortured by mind movies. I remember during the time I thought it was only an EA that I was thinking,, why deny her that attention. It's is harmless. She would never go PA with him so don't get all jealous. Let her have this harmless thing. She needs it and will always only come to me for a full real relationship. That was just a friendship. She was just using him for attention but not giving him physical things so let it be. Many people would say that even if that was all true (it was not) but even if it was true, that would hurt as much as a PA. Some I'm sure would say it would hurt far more than a PA. Right? I'd like to hear about that.
BeholdtheMan Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 So for you it makes no difference. A valid viewpoint and not uncommon. Perhaps the healthiest viewpoint.To me, it makes little difference. In fact, an exceptionally intimate emotional affair involving a lot of deception and hiding could be "worse" than a purely physical affair. However, I won't attempt reconciliation in either case. I believe in forgiveness (harbouring no ill-will and moving on) but not in reconciliation after the trust has been shattered Good way to think about it. I don't think having or not having others attracted to me would affect my failure to decide if I want to stay or not. The things that make me indecisive are things like, will she do it again? Things I can't know.My point is...don't stay in a marriage simply because you think you have no options. That's a weak, low self-esteem mentality Sounds like you're saying that even if you had plenty of attractive options, you'd stay in the marriage if you could be sure your wife wouldn't cheat again. Well, as you've admitted, you'll never be sure, and it doesn't help that the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is often proven to be true. Things that would be unknown about any new person I decided to give a chance with me.Let's put it this way...even if the chances of your future wife cheating on you is 50/50, you're 100% sure your current wife has cheated. If that was were it ended and she had not gone to a PA, I'd not be he wondering if I should leave her. I'd not be tortured by thoughts of what if?? Not be tortured by mind movies.If your wife and the other man had been filmed having sex, would you be able to forgive her after watching the video? This is an important point. Are you capable of "forgiving" her only by avoiding thoughts of all the nasty sex she's had with the other man...or are you capable of truly forgiving her by accepting what she's done, i.e. the "mental movies" don't affect you no matter how many times you play them in your head I believe true reconciliation can only be attained when even the mental movies don't affect you. Can you do that. I know the answer for me, and it's no. Some I'm sure would say it would hurt far more than a PA. Right? I'd like to hear about that.It depends on what type of betrayal hurts you more. Sounds like you're more concerned about physical betrayal. This has to do with your own principles and personality. Everyone is different. To me, either way it's a serious breach of trust. PA just involves another man's dick inside her. I suppose you could argue that the physical component adds insult to injury...but either way, it's a deal-breaker. I draw a bright line. An emotional affair coupled with attempts to hide it from me would be enough for me to walk. That's just my personality.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 To me, it makes little difference. In fact, an exceptionally intimate emotional affair involving a lot of deception and hiding could be "worse" than a purely physical affair. Intellectually I can understand this. But in my gut I'm just not there. I don't know why. However, I won't attempt reconciliation in either case. I believe in forgiveness (harbouring no ill-will and moving on) but not in reconciliation after the trust has been shattered This is a very strong position. I do feel a sense of weakness in myself for wanting to recon. My point is...don't stay in a marriage simply because you think you have no options. That's a weak, low self-esteem mentality I'm not staying for lack of options! Not at all. I want a nuclear family. I love my wife even though she did this. The next one could do this or worse. I've had worse by far. I'm not that much different myself. The list can go on and on. But lack of options is not on the list. If your wife and the other man had been filmed having sex, would you be able to forgive her after watching the video? I'd say probably easier. Unless they did it to hurt me. I mean if I could see what they did then my imagination would shut down. This is an important point. Are you capable of "forgiving" her only by avoiding thoughts of all the nasty sex she's had with the other man...or are you capable of truly forgiving her by accepting what she's done, i.e. the "mental movies" don't affect you no matter how many times you play them in your head I believe true reconciliation can only be attained when even the mental movies don't affect you. Can you do that. I know the answer for me, and it's no. I know that Charlie Harpers point does not help many people but it was true for me before he wrote it. It's been 10 months since Dday and every day that goes by with my WW being in NC with the MM it gets easier for me. He becomes more and more just another guy in her past for me. One that did not measure up. Neither of us were virgins when we met. That would have been great if true but it was not. So we had to accept that about each other. Sure I still hate the thought that she was with us both at the same time, for a while. But as time goes by and she continues to try so hard to put this in our past, the more I can too. Obviously it is a lot harder for me than her. And if I'm still here writing about it like this I'm still not sure I'm going to be able to stay with her. But for today, I'm ok with continuing to try. It depends on what type of betrayal hurts you more. Sounds like you're more concerned about physical betrayal. This has to do with your own principles and personality. Everyone is different. To me, either way it's a serious breach of trust. PA just involves another man's dick inside her. This is the most helpful thing of your post, to me. It's just a dick inside her. She was not swayed to leave me bc of it. Still, it hurts, a lot. I suppose you could argue that the physical component adds insult to injury...but either way, it's a deal-breaker. I draw a bright line. An emotional affair coupled with attempts to hide it from me would be enough for me to walk. That's just my personality. Did this happen to you?
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