CantgetoveritNY Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I found out about my WW's inappropriate friendship and was hurt. Very much. But since she convinced me it was not physical, I felt like I could do nothing. I could hope that it would not get physical, try to put a stop to it but I felt like I would be over reacting to divorce her before it was physical. I feel like such an idiot now. I wish I'd talked to someone or found this site back before she let it get physical. In hindsight I wish I would have filed for divorce the first time I caught her texting the MM inappropriately. Even now though I feel like I would view my WW and our chance for recon a lot different if it was just an EA. So I have to admit I think that an EA, while still really horrible, is not the same as a PA. Yet I read a lot here from people that feel the EA was just as bad as a full blow PA. Makes no difference to them that it was just an EA. I'd like to hear from BW and BH's about this. Does it make a difference to you that there was sexual contact? If it was just an EA would you feel differently? For those that were the victims of just an EA, do you think you would feel different if it went on to become a PA? Also, OWs & OMs, did your married AP feel like an EA was ok but a PA not so much? Or maybe it was all the same for them? What about you, did you think an EA was less of a concern or just the same?
TheBladeRunner Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 It made no difference to me, she was having several EA's and the last one did go physical. The first one I discovered and she admitted to was heartbreaking, we tried.......oh forget that, "I" tried to work things out and it turns out she had some D-Bag co-worker she was having an EA with as well. When that one was discovered I promptly filed for divorce. Three days after her confession while I was still living in the house, she lied and told me she needed to be with a friend because her daughter tried to kill herself. I knew this was BS, bank records proved it. To me, whether it's a PA or EA, they both hurt the same. 2
underwater2010 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I'd like to hear from BW and BH's about this. Does it make a difference to you that there was sexual contact? Knowing that he was just sexting and chatting devastated me. Then to find out he kissed her...sent me on a further downward spiral. That is when I actually struck him. If it was just an EA would you feel differently? In my case there were no ILYs or lets leave together. So I think that helped me process the whole affair easier. But the simple truth is that whether it be an EA or a PA....it takes time and energy away from the marriage and/or kids. It turns neutral issues into negative ones and positive issue into neutral ones. It turns real love into something not good enough and fantasy love into to soul mates. Both types of affairs are bad. For those that were the victims of just an EA, do you think you would feel different if it went on to become a PA? I think it would have delayed sex in our marriage. It probably would have made it harder to deal with mind movies. And in my case could have lead to genital warts being passed from her to my husband to me. Nice thought right. 2
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 I think it would be easier (for me) to deal with if he was just having sex with some woman and that there was no emotional connection. I inadvertently neglected to include this possibility. Yes, of course some people might feel this way. Even men. Everyone is different. Thanks for including this viewpoint. 3
Journee Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 If I felt or knew he had a deep emotional connection to someone else I'm not sure my ego and pride could take it. If I felt during our separation he loves another and was yearning for them I would had actually been able to move on and heal without him. I feel have gotten to the bottom of our mess and throwing in love would change the whole dynamic. I also do not believe he would had wanted to move back in with me had he loved OW. He was already "free" if he had wanted to pursue said love.
Bryanp Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting like you or would she have taken a proactive approach in shutting down the EA?
drifter777 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 In my case I believe that accepting and forgiving her for an EA would have been painful but less so then the PA's she had. It's the sex that nearly killed me and haunts me to this day. Generally speaking it's all about the sex for a BH. That doesn't mean if their wife has an EA it is not big deal, just that reconciliation is more possible because he doesn't have to suffer through the mind movies of his wife screwing another man. Some men are tortured more than others by the mind movies and if this is coupled with trickle truth it pretty much dooms any chance for reconciliation. 3
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting like you or would she have taken a proactive approach in shutting down the EA? I've asked her about this. She says that if I were in an EA she would have left in a second. (Easier said than done.) But she said if I had a PA with no attachment it would be far less upsetting. She said she thinks she would get over that more easily. So she actually feels more guilt and shame about the EA part of her A. Which started way before the PA and last much longer than the PA. So she's a lot different than me about this. 3
dichotomy Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 If I found out she had sex - I would have left. All I have is limited information on the depth of EA -one long email, a few documents calls, and then minor "confessions" of what was said or done in the EA and what their relationship was when she was with me (he was an ex). The one email I must have read a hundred times over trying to use this one scrap of actual truth and words to decide. With that, and partial trust in what she said happened, I had to make a choice to stay or not. I stayed, but demanded NC. However, I have the yearning to know all the conversations that took place, what was said back and forth all those years ago. Perhaps It would have helped make it easier to stay... or easier to leave. Instead there persists this uneasy reliance only on what I know and lack of trust.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Generally speaking it's all about the sex for a BH. That doesn't mean if their wife has an EA it is not big deal, just that reconciliation is more possible because he doesn't have to suffer through the mind movies of his wife screwing another man. I think you are correct in part. More men than women feel this way. But certainly not all. There is another thread going right now started by a woman that can't get over the fact that her H put his C*ck into the OW. She is 18 months past DDday and that still bothers her. I'm sure there are also men that would rather their WW had only had sex with no feelings for the AP than and EA with no sex. Just not as many as are like us. Its just as valid a take on the situation.
NotCamelot Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) I feel the differences in the point of view are strictly male versus female. From a male betrayed spouse, his wife being physical is monumentally worse than just emotional. From a female betrayed spouse, her husband being emotionally unfaithful is the worst. I can tell you this very true fact from my own experience. I had an EA 3.5 years ago. My W had a PA 1 year ago. In the course of reconciling, we talked about the difference. Her words: It wouldn't have mattered any more to me if you had F***ed her. Edited May 1, 2013 by NotCamelot 1
drifter777 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I feel the differences in the point of view are strictly male versus female. From a male betrayed spouse, his wife being physical is monumentally worse than just emotional. From a female betrayed spouse, her husband being emotionally unfaithful is the worst. I can tell you this very true fact from my own experience. I had an EA 3.5 years ago. My W had a PA 1 year ago. In the course of reconciling, we talked about the difference. Her words: It wouldn't have mattered any more to me if you had F***ed her. Before everyone piles on with the "stereotype" stuff, we know this doesn't apply to all BH's or BW's but is a solid generalization. 3
Jonah Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Yes. There is certainly a huge difference in the depth of intimacy and certainly the depth of betrayal. EA is an inappropriate fondness. PA is that and a big fat FU to the BS. This act of betrayal is most often a catalyst for exponentially increased ecstasy during foreplay and intercourse leading up to incredibly intense orgasms. That's why the affair cycle can be hard to break as after reconciliation, additional betrayals are complete thus all inhibitions about the affair are off. Add to that the biological factors of bodily fluid exchange and that the affair partners had been "one" during copulation. The affair may be over but he is certainly a part of her now. ...will reside in her memory, words, deeds, the decisions she makes and the way that she proceeds to live her life. All that said, if she is sorry that she hurt you and want's to make it work then you should consider complete forgiveness, not withholding your love for her but also accepting her love for you. Edited May 1, 2013 by Jonah
drifter777 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Yes. There is certainly a huge difference in the depth of intimacy and certainly the depth of betrayal. EA is an inappropriate fondness. PA is that and a big fat FU to the BS. This act of betrayal is most often a catalyst for exponentially increased ecstasy during foreplay and intercourse leading up to incredibly intense orgasms. That's why the affair cycle can be hard to break as after reconciliation, additional betrayals are complete thus all inhibitions about the affair are off. Add to that the biological factors of bodily fluid exchange and that the affair partners had been "one" during copulation. The affair may be over but he is certainly a part of her now. ...will reside in her memory, words, deeds, the decisions she makes and the way that she proceeds to live her life. All that said, if she is sorry that she hurt you and want's to make it work then you should consider complete forgiveness, not withholding your love for her but also accepting her love for you. Good post, although I don't think complete forgiveness is possible in most cases. At least my definition of "complete".
Darren Steez Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 It starts in the head. Everything does. You allow yourself to think about someone else..the amount of time spent cultivating this feeling, allowing it to grow, looking in your spouse's face, talking to them yet in your head you're thinking, feeling something for someone else. Then the act of expression, expression your desire to be, to do something with someone else, professions of lust, love, intimacy all the while trampling over the bedrock of trust your partner has in you.. I bet this has happened to many..remember a girl or guy you really liked when you were younger..the intensity of feeling, and you thought they felt that way too, until you found out they liked someone else. Their heart was given to someone else. The feeling of a rug being swept from under you and whether everything was a lie. PA or emotional. It doesn't matter. It's still betrayal. 2
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting like you or would she have taken a proactive approach in shutting down the EA? Yes. But why do you ask?
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 If I found out she had sex - I would have left. Easy enough to answer in the abstract. I would have bet you everything I own that if I found out about a PA I'd leave. I'd even have given you good odds on murder of the two of them with me committing suicide. All this is out the window when the real situation is in your lap. 1
twosadthings Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You let an emotional affair carry on because it wasn't physical and now are upset when it became physical. What do/will you do about the next emotional affair? Twosadthings
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 You let an emotional affair carry on because it wasn't physical and now are upset when it became physical. What do/will you do about the next emotional affair? Twosadthings I guess you missed the part where I said I was a total idiot for doing that. That I hate myself for being so stupid. That I have learned my lesson. Maybe I was to subtle. Let me be clear. It was ridiculous beyond belief that I did that. I'm now awaked to the danger and immorality of even an EA with no sexual talk or feelings.
Jonah Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I guess you missed the part where I said I was a total idiot for doing that. That I hate myself for being so stupid. That I have learned my lesson. Maybe I was to subtle. Let me be clear. It was ridiculous beyond belief that I did that. I'm now awaked to the danger and immorality of even an EA with no sexual talk or feelings. That you let them fool you... That may eat at you more than anything else. That they did anything they wanted to right under your nose. You wasn't stupid, just in denial. Happens all the time so don't be hard on yourself a about it. Or anybody else its just life. 1
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 That you let them fool you... That may eat at you more than anything else. That they did anything they wanted to right under your nose. You wasn't stupid, just in denial. Happens all the time so don't be hard on yourself a about it. Or anybody else its just life. Thanks. One poster said I was just being a normally trusting H. That gave me comfort. I really did think "she would never!" That in retrospect that was stupid. Sorry, normal trusting. haha.
Jonah Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Thanks. One poster said I was just being a normally trusting H. That gave me comfort. I really did think "she would never!" That in retrospect that was stupid. Sorry, normal trusting. haha. Denial is a powerful enemy. We see the world the way we want to see the world. Interpret words into w what e want to hear. Perhaps like me you are a bit of an optimist? My pessimist friend keeps his boot on his wife's neck. I'd rather a little space. Are you sure the affair is over for good?
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Denial is a powerful enemy. We see the world the way we want to see the world. Interpret words into w what e want to hear. Perhaps like me you are a bit of an optimist? My pessimist friend keeps his boot on his wife's neck. I'd rather a little space. Are you sure the affair is over for good? I am an unbridled optimist in my business life. And it works for me for the most part. The rest of my life I'm pretty stoic. Yes, I'm sure the A is over. This one anyway. I do have indisputable third party verification of that. But is she susceptible to another such thing, yes. Absolutely. More than the rest of us and we all are of course susceptible to infidelity but yes, she is probably more vulnerable to doing this again than most others. Why do you ask?
NotCamelot Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Before everyone piles on with the "stereotype" stuff, we know this doesn't apply to all BH's or BW's but is a solid generalization. True. Don't mean to include all people. But from my own experience and the words of a lot of LoveShack posters, this seems to be the case most of the time. 2
Jonah Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I am an unbridled optimist in my business life. And it works for me for the most part. The rest of my life I'm pretty stoic. Yes, I'm sure the A is over. This one anyway. I do have indisputable third party verification of that. But is she susceptible to another such thing, yes. Absolutely. More than the rest of us and we all are of course susceptible to infidelity but yes, she is probably more vulnerable to doing this again than most others. Why do you ask? Well I suppose it will be something you will have to help her with in the future. I think let her know that that is what it is so that she doesn't mistake it for a boot on her neck. That you aren't taking it all too personal shows depth of character and acceptance of the way things are, good and bad. It is smart to recognize the possibilities of much joy with your W in the future despite her human frailties while weighing the possibilities of life with or without her - understanding the fact that everyone has problems. From your words I think I read that your W is a passionate woman, more passionate than "most others". I would imagine that could be a positive in ways that would also make her more fun than "most others". You might want to keep her around guy. 1
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