jacobstein1960 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I have a seven year old daughter, eleven year old daughter and eleven year old son. We always had a close, loving relationship. My wife has currently sole custody. I am allowed a supervised visit once every week or two. I could probably push for more like four hours a week. We have been separated since last summer. My question is, how much difference does it make if the children spend a little time with me or not? * My ex by the way bitterly hates me and will even make them lie to prevent me from having more than minimal access. She truly wishes I would disappear. So in the long term, does it make any difference to the kids if I do just disappear? Would it be better for them perhaps, since they would no longer be caught in the middle between us?
TheBladeRunner Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I guess that all really depends on you. I am of the opinion that a child needs both parents regardless of the situation; sorry to here your ex is such a weenie. Poisoning the kids is always tempting at times when you are angry at your ex, but I would never, ever do this regardless of how mad I was at my daughter's mom. It really does depend on you; frankly, I have 50% custody and I find myself really missing my daughter on the weekends I do not have her. In my opinion it does and will make a difference, what child doesn't want to be with both mom and dad even if they are not together. My suggestion is that you beg, steal, and borrow to get the best lawyer you can to try to get this handled. Before I even left the house after I discovered her affairs I had a lawyer and a solid custody agreement in place. If you do get the kids more, just remember not to do what your ex does; using children as a weapon is moronic and evil IMO. 1
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 All that I want to do is what's best for them. Of course I'm meeting all my child support obligations. I have no intention on skimping on that. However in a high conflict divorce (by the way I'm a 52 year old American computer nerd; my ex is from Moscow, 42 years old, built like a tank and has a personality which would have intimidated Stalin) could it be better for a non-custodial parent to disappear???
7andcounting Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I think that your question is an awful question. In your heart could you possibly remove yourself from your children's life? Before taking any advice you should sit back and consider what this will do to your children and what views/guilt they will have to carry through their life. The questions... Did my dad not love me? Why did he leave? Why did he abandon us? Those are awful thoughts and a burden your kids should not have to carry. Any thought your posing the question because its an easy out for you? That its easier not to fight with your ex... But at the same time your not fighting for your children which should out weight any emotions you have with your ex. Just my thought, not to seem harsh... But I'm on the other side, I want my kids to have a relationship like no other with their Dad, because as important as a mom is... I believe that a dad is MORE important on many levels.
aMguilts Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 do you want to disappear from their lives? or are you quite content to not have a pair and give in to EVERYTHING she says to you?? personally i think you should grow a pair and fight her all the way to have more of an input in theirs lives i`ve put it bluntly i know and i apologise if you are offended, i mean no harm just think you should not give in so easy dont give in to her man up to her if anything aM 1
GorillaTheater Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Hang tough for your kids, Jacob. Don't let that T-34 win. Bide your time. The day you'll be able to correct this custody BS is coming. 2
2.50 a gallon Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Think of it this way, until they are adults they have little say what happens to them and they need a dad to look out for them and protect them.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 What it is is that I saw some studies indicating that where there is a lot of conflict between the two parents, the children had BETTER outcomes the less they met with dad. Frankly, to me, it sounds like some radical feminist BS. But I started wondering. Could the kids just forget me, and have more peace just with her?
GorillaTheater Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 What it is is that I saw some studies indicating that where there is a lot of conflict between the two parents, the children had BETTER outcomes the less they met with dad. Frankly, to me, it sounds like some radical feminist BS. But I started wondering. Could the kids just forget me, and have more peace just with her? The more likely outcome would seem to be deep anger, sadness and resentment over the fact that you cut them out of your life. Bad idea, Jacob. 1
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Just by the way, the judge seems to be about 90% interested in making mom happy and maybe 10% interested in "the best interest of the children".
GorillaTheater Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I'm not sure what the latest policy around here is on posting links, but if you google "dadsdivorce" the first hit will be a site that centers around custody issues. I think they'd have some great advice for you. You're in for an uphill battle, but it's winnable and worth fighting. 1
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Thank you, I appreciate it. The biggest problem I see here is a few years down the road. Mrs Stalin does not tolerate any insubordination. "It's my way or the highway." Which is why I'm not with her anymore. I have heard some rumors that teenagers are not always completely submissive to their parents. So in a few years I can imagine her having A LOT of trouble coping with the kids. I can easily imagine her actually kicking them out. So I think that's when they'll really need me to come to the rescue. But I'm just speculating. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Thank you, I appreciate it. The biggest problem I see here is a few years down the road. Mrs Stalin does not tolerate any insubordination. "It's my way or the highway." Which is why I'm not with her anymore. I have heard some rumors that teenagers are not always completely submissive to their parents. So in a few years I can imagine her having A LOT of trouble coping with the kids. I can easily imagine her actually kicking them out. So I think that's when they'll really need me to come to the rescue. But I'm just speculating. This is why you need to be there for them as much as you possible can, make your time with them light and enjoyable....you may even find as they get older they will want to live with you rather than her imagine how they would feel if you in their eyes 'gave up' Be the best dad ever 2
TailSpin75 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Hi jacobstein1960 - your question is very interesting to me. In my opinion (that of a perfect stranger to you I understand) - is absolutely not - your disappearance will forever impact your children in a negative fashion. For you personally, I completely understand that interactions with 'her' in any way will be a stressful, emotional, and painful experience. But the lack of your presence in the lives of your children will have an effect that cannot be undone. Not only are you a role model to them (whether you see yourself that way or not) but you are a part of them... they will forever see you and how you respond to 'things' as avenues that they should entertain when they inevitably face their own adversities in life. For example (and this is just an example) - children who's parent commit suicide are more then 50% more likely to take a similar course of action when their lives fall on hard times. I do not intend to lecture you on responsibility (God knows I have fumbled my way through my role as a father during my divorce) - but abandonment does have a permanent and negative effect on children. I wish you the best my friend and am so incredibly sorry for the struggle you face with this situation. 2
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Intuitively, I would say "Of course my kids love me and need me! What's the question?"* It seems like a no brainer. But then I read this for example: "Several large-scale survey studies have found no association between the amount of contact a non-custodial father has with his children and an assortment of measures of child well-being (King, 1994; Furstenberg, Morgan, and Allison, 1987)." Non-Custodial Parents' Participation in Their Children's Lives: Synthesis of Literature So I therefore started this thread. And what you guys say makes sense to me. I wish I could hear from some actual children of divorced families.
TheBladeRunner Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Don't do it Jacob, the kids WILL lose out and YOU will regret it the rest of your life. My D-bag ex-father in law abandoned his kids and not only has he toted his guilt for the past 30 years, his one living daughter, (my STBXW) is so fu$%ed up emotionally it's not even funny. Child support (money) will mean nothing when they are older, only that they will miss their dad. GET A FATHER'S RIGHTS LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!! (I did)
Meatballsmom Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 What is it with you? From the way I read your posts, I get the idea you are looking for a reason, excuse to bail out of your kids lives. Your STBXW sounds like a terrible person, and yet you are willing to duck and run, and leave them at her mercy. As 2.50 said, they need someone to protect them from her. And that is your job. How bad can it get? After our divorce, my alcoholic Ex was a no show, preferring to take the easy way out. He did nothing with the kids, no fishing trips, no sports, no interests in their school activities. As a teenager my manipulative daughter learned how to guilt trip her father. In order to make her happy, behind my back he OKed her withdrawal from high school, so she spend more time with drugs. She is a total druggie. Ten years later, because of her manipulative lies, my beloved son committed suicide. My daughter killed her brother. She also in a sense almost killed my only grand daughter. The state has taken her away and adopted her to another family. I haven't seen or heard from her in over 5 years
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 I have actually thought about becoming an alcoholic.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 But on the other hand, once we sell the house I will hopefully has some money. So I'll check out the fathers rights lawyers.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Children learn their morals from their parents, so you need to fight for your kids. They need to learn your values as opposed to that of your STBXW. Show them leadership To do nothing, the most likely out come will be that your little girl will take on the tank persona of her mother, and the little boy will likely will live a life dominated by women
ver13 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I have a seven year old daughter, eleven year old daughter and eleven year old son. We always had a close, loving relationship. My wife has currently sole custody. I am allowed a supervised visit once every week or two. I could probably push for more like four hours a week. We have been separated since last summer. My question is, how much difference does it make if the children spend a little time with me or not? * My ex by the way bitterly hates me and will even make them lie to prevent me from having more than minimal access. She truly wishes I would disappear. So in the long term, does it make any difference to the kids if I do just disappear? Would it be better for them perhaps, since they would no longer be caught in the middle between us? I just had to ask, these are your kids your talking about not some casual relationships that you have with the kids next door. Of course it all matters, time, memories etc... Look just because your EX may want your head on a spear doesn't give you a pass to neglect your kids. This sounds passive aggressive to me and if this is now you want to attack the EX you are wrong. All of the things that I highlighted seem to be more focused on you and the EX then on the babies. Just because your M didn't workout for whatever reason doesn't justify both of you using the kids as pawns in your adult games. They deserve better then that from both of you and even considering NC with your kids is... well there is nothing more to say if you have to ask this question in the first place.
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