so sad

[new_jack_E]

I got this email today from a person I've known for 20 years and dated for the last 2 1/2. We spent tons of time together, travelled, etc. but the sex has been sporadic and I have known she's dated other people especially early in our relationship. She's a flirt, has a lot of contact with wealthy men due to her job. They all seem to be 10-15 years older than her for some reason (she's early 50's, been divorced 5 years). She has no money. We have so much in common, many common friends.

 

It seems pretty obvious her head's not in the game and everyone tells me that even though I love her she's not good for me, but I'm an idiot, fell in love with her, and am now hurt.

 

Just curious how some of you might answer this email?

 

"As always I enjoy our time together and yesterday afternoon was no different. You certainly have been such a blessing to me over the past couple of years. To have a friend and confidant like you is truly special and I so appreciate you and all you have done for me, the fun times, all the laughs and talks.

 

I have had some time to reflect on our conversation and some of the points you raised.

 

I have decided to write to you as it is difficult for both of us to talk about things that we feel may hurt one another. I feel there are some misconceptions that I must take the time to address with you in all fairness.

 

I do not want to be in an exclusive relationship or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I am enjoying meeting new people and having the freedom to date. I did not do this as a young adult and I am having fun. I do go to lunches, dinners and meet for drinks, attend parties and sporting events with many different people either for business or personal. I do not want to feel that in any way, I am hurting you by my friendships with other men, in business, or personal, whether they are married or single.

 

My reluctance to make a commitment is based on a few things, not a deep wounded emotionally incapable person. I am having fun and enjoying my empty nest and new stage in life and I am not in love with anyone that inspires me to make a commitment. I do have trust issues and in the past year, I have had the opportunity to look very closely at that issue and feel confident I am in a good place with it and my future relationships. I do believe God works in mysterious ways and a certain situation was presented that enabled me to finally address this up close and make peace.

 

I do love you, and it has been hard for me to be completely honest as I do not want to hurt you. You asked me if there is a difference of loving someone and being in love with someone... the answer is yes. There are different types of love and different levels.

 

I want you to have the relationship with someone that is the crazy all encompassing, I can't breathe, can't take my eyes off you, can't wait to touch you, talk to you, make love over and over to you, feeling. Not settling for the starting point of a comfortable married couple of many years.

 

We do have fun and we are good friends. I do trust you and know that you are a good person and you deserve someone that loves you the way you want and need.

 

I feel it may be a good idea for you to have some time with just you and focusing on what it is that makes you happy. One of the reasons I am so happy is I do know I am completely responsible for my own happiness. Other people can share in my life and make me feel happier at times, but I am the only person that can make me happy. I believe this peace within and acceptance of myself and happiness is what draws people to me. The struggle I have is some of my circumstances are stressful and I am still dealing with the fallout of my divorce. Circumstances aside, I am happy with who I am as a person.

 

Let's take some time away from each other for awhile. As you know, I never want to lose anyone I care about in my life, so I hope you know that I will always still want to spend time but I do feel some time away to regroup and refocus will be a positive thing.

 

I am sorry I can't articulate this to you in person and hope you will forgive me for writing to you but this is the best way I can communicate to you this difficult but long overdue message.

 

love always,_________"

[new_jack_E]

Gosh, thought I might get some comments and thoughts on this?

[new_jack_E]

I guess this must be so crazy that no one has anything to say?

[Zahara]

What's crazy about it? She's telling you point blank she does not have an emotional connection with you. She's telling you to take time away. You're lucky she's forward and to the point. Go NC and heal from this.

 

If you want to reply, short and sweet. Accept her decision and move on.

[Own Worst Enemy]

but that she is sorry for hurting you.

 

this gives you two choices: hang around in the hope that she changes her mind (which she might do, but it certainly won't be any time soon by the look of that email) and in the meantime have to put up with the agony of her seeing other people and you having to compare anyone you meet to her.

 

or cutting contact, licking your wounds, and moving on.

 

horribly upsetting and depressing, but the second probably hurts a lot less in the long run.

[new_jack_E]

She knows she's hurt me, bad. I did everything for her, gave her my best. And the timing of her email is during her well knowing my grandmother was dying and that I am having a thousand other problems. I was there for her, during her bad times, which lasted over a year. Now, she seems to be saying she wants no part of having to support me right now, so she's "sorry" and gone? She has terrible commitment issues and says everyone she's ever loved has gone away from her. I told her I wouldn't, and I didn't. She doesn't like her mom, her son, her "old" friends, her brother, etc. So frustrating.

[Zahara]

She has terrible commitment issues and says everyone she's ever loved has gone away from her. I told her I wouldn't, and I didn't. She doesn't like her mom, her son, her "old" friends, her brother, etc. So frustrating.

 

When someone tells you they have terrible commitment issues, the best thing to do would be to run. Her commitment issues don't resolve because of your loyalty and faithfulness, because her pattern is to abandon people when she is required to commit. It's not that people have "gone away from her", but because she most likely left them.

 

You stuck with her because you thought your relationship was different and you took the risk because you thought you could change her.

 

I know it is frustrating and disappointing, but all you can do is let go and move forward.

[new_jack_E]

She has always told me, "everyone who I ever loved left me". This would be her dad who died, her husband that cheated on her, her mom that abandoned her, etc. I promised her a long time ago I wouldn't EVER do that.

 

So, three days ago, I heard from her for the first time since her long email about three weeks ago. Got a very nasty random misspelled text (she had been drinking) saying she had just ran into my best friend who was a complete rude *******, and she was "sorry she had been such a burden to me, and "I'm so glad we aren't talking".

 

Apparently, she had ran into my friend that night (who doesn't like her because he has a pretty good background on some of the ways she's lied to me and disrespected me), who tried to avoid her and not talk to her. He said she initially came over and said hi, it was polite, then went back to drinking with her friends for 30 mins, then she came back over to his table where he was with a client, and "dived in" talking to him, trying to explain to him why she was doing this to me.

 

She said "I've been telling [me] for a long time I don't want to be in a relationship (which is somewhat true but there have been as many times she was "in", and of course she's accepted my many gifts, dates, and let this go on for 2 1/2 years).

 

My friend basically said "whatever" and told her it was great its over because "he [me] deserves and can do so much better than you". She told him "I agree". Then, she must have gone back to her table and went nuts, and sent me a nasty text saying my friend is an *******, how could I be friends with someone so judgmental, that even though she wasn't perfect, she loved and respected me so much more than this superficial ass, etc. I tried calling her, no answer.

 

Then I get another text around midnight, "call me please, how could you be friends with an ass like this". I texted "I did call you, at 8, but you didn't answer, but you can call me back, if you want". Of course I got no call.

 

Then I get an email early the next morning: "I'm not mad anymore, it was my fault to go over and talk to your find, I shouldn't have. He's right, I'm not good enough for you. Your rude ass friends comments have only solidified my decision to move forward. Its interesting, I only say good things about you when I talk to people."

 

So, like a dumb ass I email back and say "I don't care what my friend thinks of you, this is between us, I love you, always will, and pointed out "you say everybody "leaves you" and told her "I kept my promise to not leave you, you are the one leaving, and I will deeply miss you." I also pointed out to her that while I talk to my friends, I don't say bad things about here because I respect and care for her.

 

Now here 3 days later, no reply. I don't think I'll ever hear from her again, and its probably for the best. I have no idea why I'm posting this, just so frustrated right now, venting. I'm kinda mad at my friend for being rude to her, but he did sort of give it to her in black and white, which thusfar I haven't been able to do.

 

I'm not going to call her, but I would be curious what you guys think was her reason for going over and starting this mess with him in the first place?

[LoveB86]

She's a control freak. Wants to control everything! Controls when she wants to be with you, talk to you, wants to control your friends to make her appear less guilty that way she can keep you as a doormat! Do you want a woman like that? That comes around when she wants too? Sends you an email when she wants too? Commit when she wants too? By all means, everything your saying is about HER and she does not have your heart in her best interest right now. She wants to live her life, maybe the abandonment issues in the past had scarred her. But it takes two to make this relationship work, and if she does not have trust in you, then by far she is not the one for you.

 

It'll certainly be her lost when she finally realizes there was someone out there that loves her so much and wanted to be there to prove her fear of

abandonment wrong, but then it'll be too late. She might regret it, but do you want to be that person she falls back on if this might to happen, months or years from now?

 

I don't care how much you love someone or known someone, why be with that person if they don't want to be with you! I know, it hurts so bad! Reality sinks in: Find someone who will love you, want to be with you, accepts your gifts with love and appreciation, who will do the same for you!!

[new_jack_E]

My daughter, who knows her well, has made the same control freak observation and says I need to take back control by not talking to her or answering anything. And here, I thought I was a control freak.

 

My friends call her the "Queen of keeping all options open". LOL

[new_jack_E]

So I've initiated NO contact with this person for three months, after her dropping me in the grease after two years (by email no less), but yesterday I check my mailbox and there's a card there from her. Printed part said "the best things in life are things, they are people like you and I thank you with all my heart".

 

Then she hand wrote "hope you are doing well-I, was just thinking of you and wanted to say hi and thank you for being such a wonderful support to me. Best ______(heart sign)

 

A month ago I received a very similar email, did not respond. A month before that she emailed another "hi how are you" type email to which I simply responded "great, hope you are too". But this time since she hand wrote and went to some effort, I texted her back and just said "got your card today, thanks for the nice note" 5 hours later she texts back "glad you got it and I mean every word. Hope you are good".

 

None of these said I love you, I miss you, or I'm sorry, or I made a mistake. To me this seems like breadcrumbing, but a friend I discussed this with thinks she's trying to restart things.

 

I'm curious to know what some of you think. Why is she being so "thankful". If she was thankful for me she wouldn't have done what she did.

 

I'm not going to call her. I hate texting and emailing. I'll be polite but short. But to me the ball's in her court to pick up the phone and call me. And even then, I don't know if I'll answer.