Empty Heart Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Two months in, two days into NC. Since BU he's been in constant contact either via text or visits, we get along really well. I have never instigated contact but suddenly, nothing. I guess he just came to the end of his time with me....ten years in. It hurts, so much. This pain is with me all the time, like a burning hot coal in my chest and an emptiness I can't bear. I find myself looking at couples walking hand and hand and I can't bear it, as selfish as that sounds. I have a lot to be thankful for. My health, the love of my family and friends, my wonderful child, the sun is shining. In all of this though I feel more sad with every passing day. My phone 'pings' and I hope with all hope it's him. It isn't and likely will not be. He has moved on I guess, even though the last time I spoke with him he told me how unhappy he is; I thought BU would have made him so happy but he just sounds awful, How do I move on? I get up, I shower, put face on, make myself busy or go to work but he's there. This is JUST awful. Just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks to you all for you contributions to the site. They have helped me already but I feel so sad that so many are so sad.
McGriff Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain. You are not alone, I promise. I can relate to it, and feel alot of the same things...I hope that you can find some peace, I know it's difficult.
Lost_Soul_86 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Empty Heart i know exactly how you feel, i have just come out of a 9 year relationship 2 months ago, this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. I just cant believe this is happening to me. I cant believe after 9 years its so easy for him to just call it a day without a fight. I too get up, shower, put my face on and go to work i come home, walk the dog, eat minimal food and go to bed. There's not a single minute i can get to myself without him popping into my head, not even in my dreams! Someone can even be talking to me and ill walk away from the conversation not even knowing what they just said. The guilt and remorse i feel for the way i treated him is eating me alive, i really don't know what to do. I de-activted my facebook account lastnight as i could not take looking at other peoples happiness! I just wish i could rewind my life a year or so i could fix everything, i guess i never tried because deep down i didn't think he would go anywhere- how wrong i was. Im sorry i cant give you any advice as i too don't know how i will ever move on, let alone tell you the things you should be trying to do to move on, I don't know your situation, or who broke up with who (im guessing he broke up with you) but i can give you solace in the way that your not alone in feeling this way believe me. I hear this time business seems to heal all wounds, i cant speak on experience but i sure do hope that's true, i couldn't bear to live this way for the rest of my life! I don't live in hope anymore as every day gets harder and harder when reality sets in that he more than likely isnt coming back. Good luck hun i wish you all the best and i hope you keep posting your updates, I may not have a chance but you just might x x
Author Empty Heart Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain. You are not alone, I promise. I can relate to it, and feel alot of the same things...I hope that you can find some peace, I know it's difficult. Thanks McGriff, it helps just knowing someone is here, even though I've never met you! People tell you 'you'll get over it in time','he's not worth the pain you feel', 'he's moved on, move on', 'give him time, he'll realise what he's done'. The only truth is there is no knowing, you just have to make the best of what you have with what you're given. Some days I get a strength to look at myself and say 'yeah, you look like a shadow (I've lost over a stone in weight) but there is life out there so maybe, just maybe you should go out and find it'. Trouble is, I've got no energy, no interest in being interested and I can't keep boring my friends and family with this situation. They ask, I tell....they move on. They've heard it. Which leaves me here, broken hearted and hurting with no-one to really talk to and help me through it. LS seems to have helped a lot of members, even if all they want to do is offload with no expectations of answers they may want to hear. All I keep thinking is I wish it was a year on from now but it's not and I just have to move forward. And it's horrid. Thanks for reading MG and thanks for taking the time out of your day to make me realise there are people out there who care enough to reply. 1
Author Empty Heart Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Empty Heart i know exactly how you feel, i have just come out of a 9 year relationship 2 months ago, this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. I just cant believe this is happening to me. I cant believe after 9 years its so easy for him to just call it a day without a fight. I too get up, shower, put my face on and go to work i come home, walk the dog, eat minimal food and go to bed. There's not a single minute i can get to myself without him popping into my head, not even in my dreams! Someone can even be talking to me and ill walk away from the conversation not even knowing what they just said. The guilt and remorse i feel for the way i treated him is eating me alive, i really don't know what to do. I de-activted my facebook account lastnight as i could not take looking at other peoples happiness! I just wish i could rewind my life a year or so i could fix everything, i guess i never tried because deep down i didn't think he would go anywhere- how wrong i was. Im sorry i cant give you any advice as i too don't know how i will ever move on, let alone tell you the things you should be trying to do to move on, I don't know your situation, or who broke up with who (im guessing he broke up with you) but i can give you solace in the way that your not alone in feeling this way believe me. I hear this time business seems to heal all wounds, i cant speak on experience but i sure do hope that's true, i couldn't bear to live this way for the rest of my life! I don't live in hope anymore as every day gets harder and harder when reality sets in that he more than likely isnt coming back. Good luck hun i wish you all the best and i hope you keep posting your updates, I may not have a chance but you just might x x Oh Lost Soul, your post made my tummy hurt for you. Isn't it just the hardest thing? Yes, he did split up with me....looking back I can now see he was struggling but with a host of other stresses going on in life at the time, I just assumed he was alright with it. WRONG! We should have a mass meet up of all the members of here, somewhere exotic, somewhere warm and beautiful, somewhere to feel at peace. We could all vent away, hug and make friends. And maybe that would help us to realise how many wonderful people out there are feeling this hurt. Shall we organise something? Oz is a good start.....I loved Fraser Island, what a place to heal. I hope you can feel happiness in your heart some day, I hope it for all members on this site. Right now I'm wanting to get motivated but right now I feel like a whisper of dust, about to be blown away by the day. I long for bed so I can sleep it away and then, when I get there I just lay awake and the wee smalls hours are the worst. At least we have LS, eh?! Thanks for posting, it means so much that complete strangers are out there to help each other. 2
Lost_Soul_86 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Thanks McGriff, it helps just knowing someone is here, even though I've never met you! People tell you 'you'll get over it in time','he's not worth the pain you feel', 'he's moved on, move on', 'give him time, he'll realise what he's done'. The only truth is there is no knowing, you just have to make the best of what you have with what you're given. Some days I get a strength to look at myself and say 'yeah, you look like a shadow (I've lost over a stone in weight) but there is life out there so maybe, just maybe you should go out and find it'. Trouble is, I've got no energy, no interest in being interested and I can't keep boring my friends and family with this situation. They ask, I tell....they move on. They've heard it. Which leaves me here, broken hearted and hurting with no-one to really talk to and help me through it. LS seems to have helped a lot of members, even if all they want to do is offload with no expectations of answers they may want to hear. All I keep thinking is I wish it was a year on from now but it's not and I just have to move forward. And it's horrid. Literally everything you have just said is exactly how im feeling right now, i cant talk to anyone either because i get the same responses as you do, my family seem annoyed whenever i mention it like i should be over it by now or something. It is horrid i know...happiness is something i will never take for granted again!
Author Empty Heart Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Thanks McGriff, it helps just knowing someone is here, even though I've never met you! People tell you 'you'll get over it in time','he's not worth the pain you feel', 'he's moved on, move on', 'give him time, he'll realise what he's done'. The only truth is there is no knowing, you just have to make the best of what you have with what you're given. Some days I get a strength to look at myself and say 'yeah, you look like a shadow (I've lost over a stone in weight) but there is life out there so maybe, just maybe you should go out and find it'. Trouble is, I've got no energy, no interest in being interested and I can't keep boring my friends and family with this situation. They ask, I tell....they move on. They've heard it. Which leaves me here, broken hearted and hurting with no-one to really talk to and help me through it. LS seems to have helped a lot of members, even if all they want to do is offload with no expectations of answers they may want to hear. All I keep thinking is I wish it was a year on from now but it's not and I just have to move forward. And it's horrid. Literally everything you have just said is exactly how im feeling right now, i cant talk to anyone either because i get the same responses as you do, my family seem annoyed whenever i mention it like i should be over it by now or something. It is horrid i know...happiness is something i will never take for granted again! LS, I think pretty much everyone on here feels this way at the beginning. What worries me is how long it takes to feel better. I guess the way we deal with it is a marker for how long it takes. I am an upbeat person, cheery and bright (usually) but now I feel like I weigh tonnes, even though I'm the lightest I've ever been. I see people, I talk, I don't take in what they are saying and smile because I know I should be polite or be happy for them (I'm not selfish so I want to be happy for others) but inside I'm thinking 'why is everyone else able to maintain their relationships?....how come they're so happy?'. And I wouldn't want them NOT to be. Then I found LS and I realised...what you see is not always what is true. Maybe they too are putting on their brave face. The difference is, I know it's in my eyes. My ex used to tell me I had lovely, sparkly eyes....now they are dead. Ah well, it's horrid but there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe some day a really nice guy who wants me for everything I am will come along and sweep me up and maybe I will be happy again. It's just the here and now that's so difficult and I wish someone would invent a time machine some time soon so I can whizz forward a few years. Mind you, they have to invent SOME machine, because I want to whizz forward but not look older.
Lost_Soul_86 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 That's exactly right we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I worry about this too, right now it seems that this feeling will never get better, i don't understand how it could possibly get better? NC is hard for me as we have an unfinished house and a shared bank account to sort out, i fear the day he tells me he's found someone else (if he hasn't already) as i know i will be right back at the bottom of this deep dark hole that i can't seem to claw my way out of. I'm sure you will meet someone eventually when your ready to love again, someone who loves you with all of there heart and will never dream of leaving you. Now if only i could scrape myself off the pavement and tell myself the same thing! Keep you chin up i know how your feeling, its depressing, sad, unbearable, heartbreaking, unbelievable and most of all really hard to cope with, take comfort in knowing that people are hear to help you through this heartbreak and if you ever need to chat to someone who wont tell you the cliche lines that we don't want to hear, you know where i am
siankat Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You are gonna get yourself through this and come out the other side in one piece. There is a measured, worldly and humanitarian tone to your posts. There is only one way for you and that is to healing. You will be happier again
siankat Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 ps to answer your question, you are moving on. But moving on initially is painful and drags somewhat. But do what you are doing, with the attitude you are doing it with, and i promise that your recovery will be as speedy as is humanly possible. I know it may seem that nothing feels right at the moment but you have had a huge upheaval in your life. Be kind to yourself..as long as it takes Keep with what you are doing and try new things if possible. When you look back, you won't be able to recall the same feelings you felt at the time but you will have the memories of what you did during some of your hardest days. Make them count and keep making memories! 1
Author Empty Heart Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 That's exactly right we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I worry about this too, right now it seems that this feeling will never get better, i don't understand how it could possibly get better? NC is hard for me as we have an unfinished house and a shared bank account to sort out, i fear the day he tells me he's found someone else (if he hasn't already) as i know i will be right back at the bottom of this deep dark hole that i can't seem to claw my way out of. I'm sure you will meet someone eventually when your ready to love again, someone who loves you with all of there heart and will never dream of leaving you. Now if only i could scrape myself off the pavement and tell myself the same thing! Keep you chin up i know how your feeling, its depressing, sad, unbearable, heartbreaking, unbelievable and most of all really hard to cope with, take comfort in knowing that people are hear to help you through this heartbreak and if you ever need to chat to someone who wont tell you the cliche lines that we don't want to hear, you know where i am Ah, Lost Soul, what a horrid situation we find ourselves in. I think you are correct also in believing that you just 'assume' they'll be there, no matter what. It's a sting when they suddenly say 'I'm done with you'. My ex is still contacting me but I try to tell myself that it's his way of dealing with it....it means diddly squat and I'm sure if he still loved me, he'd be here. He's not though, he's somewhere else....not that far from me as the crow flies but he may as well be on the other side of the planet. You suddenly lose all your 'rights' of contact and that, in the beginning, is hard to take. You go from seeing everything, all the private things we do as a couple, to NOTHING. Boy does that kick you to the curb. We'll get there, we'll all get there. Humans are funny beings, just an animal with a thinking brain. And there lies the problem. If we were lions, we'd mate...move on and kill to eat. Nothing more... Unfortunately we got a brain that's supposed to be intelligent. Yeah, right. Stupid, more like. We tie ourselves in knots, kill ourselves with our inner thoughts. The one good thing about humans though is we do (or should) learn by our mistakes. Go the watering hole of life and it's dried up, we as animals would move to the next watering hole that's full of water. Whether we do it sooner or later is whether we live or die. Blimey, I've surprised myself here. I think I may be learning. Although I know with learning comes pain and it's the pain I want rid of. Stupid human beings. I'd rather be an ant. Here for you too, should you need to vent whenever the pain gets too unbearable. Please remember that. 1
Author Empty Heart Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 ps to answer your question, you are moving on. But moving on initially is painful and drags somewhat. But do what you are doing, with the attitude you are doing it with, and i promise that your recovery will be as speedy as is humanly possible. I know it may seem that nothing feels right at the moment but you have had a huge upheaval in your life. Be kind to yourself..as long as it takes Keep with what you are doing and try new things if possible. When you look back, you won't be able to recall the same feelings you felt at the time but you will have the memories of what you did during some of your hardest days. Make them count and keep making memories! Thanks for your kind words siankat....it means a lot that you took time to help me/us. I'm keeping myself as busy as possible, it's the only way but you carry this great flipping weight around with you. I try to see the good in everything....but seriously, I just don't care right now. Food....meh. Sleep....I wish I could. Work....if I have to. Other people....lovely, but not right now. Just the steps of getting there....and it's awful. But chins up everyone, one day we'll look back on this time and wherever we are, in whatever relationship or not, we WILL look back and thing 'thank God I'm not there any more'. Here's to that feeling coming VERY soon. 2
Author Empty Heart Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Hi Lost, how are you? Thanks for asking about my feelings, you must have known I'm struggling.... This BU malarky is about as much fun as poking rusty nails in your eyes. One minute up, the next down. The thing that's getting to me at the moment is a feeling of 'high anxiety'. Great film but not a great feeling. I feel like I'm 'supercharged', with adrenaline pumping round my veins. It makes me want to be sick in the morning but I do try to breathe through it. I'm usually a pretty upbeat person but just can't get to grips with this situation. Sometimes coming on LS lifts my mood, sometimes reading the posts makes me sad. I did wonder whether to stop looking but some of the posts are very inspiring and the advice given has helped a lot. I haven't tried NC yet; I've never instigated contact but I know that these 'breadcrumbs' are simply that and I have to go to NC. I try to be short with my answers but from looking at advice on here, that's all it takes to keep 'em dangling the carrot. I do have the ability (sometimes) to say 'come on, enough is enough' but other times I just dwell and it hurts. I think I said above that I get a bit worried when I read that some poor people on here are still feeling like this a year or so down the line. I cannot face that so I know I have to get up and get on....all the while with the pain that follows me like a bad smell. Fast forward buttons, I wish they existed when dealing with break ups!
eucalyptus Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hi Empty Heart, Thought I would add my 2 cents/story for what it's worth. I too have had the same thoughts when I read that people on LS are still suffering a year later from their break. However, it seems that more times than not, that these people are also maintaining some sort of contact (either outward or inward) with their EXs. A little about me, I was with a woman for just over a year, did everything with her. There were some red flags early on, but I ignored them and kept going. What's embarrassing now is that when I think back about everything, there were actually times that I assumed that she was way more invested in the relationship than I was. To the point that I thought that if I ever had to get out that she would lose her friggin' mind. I made a decision to change my career specialty back in September, and that began to be the beginning of the end. I assumed that she would stick with me through thick and thin, but this didn't turn out to be the case. Over the couple of months before the break up (mid-March) i received a lot of gas light type comments about how I didn't make her feel important, relevant, or was not responsive enough to her. At the time I couldn't really understand where she was coming from, but realized later that she was just trying to make herself feel better because she was probably already thinking about other guys with more immediate financial resources/social status. In fact, I found out randomly through an acquaintance two weeks after our break up that she was already dating someone "that she grew up with." She grew up with a bunch of trust fund types. I give you all this back ground because I want you to know that others are dealing with similar pain and have had to grasp at straws to make sense of everything. In my case, I instigated contact one time after two weeks after our break, just to make sure that she felt the same way. It has now been two months since our break and six weeks of NC. I am not saying that I am over the situation completely, but the NC seems to be allowing me time to go through the grieving process, accept the things that I did to possibly make her lose her interest, and try to move on. I know that injected a lot of my story into this response, but I just wanted to illustrate that sometimes all you have is the ability to keep your mystery and let them go without the luxury of getting to see you fade off into the distance.
siankat Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hi Lost, how are you? Thanks for asking about my feelings, you must have known I'm struggling.... This BU malarky is about as much fun as poking rusty nails in your eyes. One minute up, the next down. The thing that's getting to me at the moment is a feeling of 'high anxiety'. Great film but not a great feeling. I feel like I'm 'supercharged', with adrenaline pumping round my veins. It makes me want to be sick in the morning but I do try to breathe through it. I'm usually a pretty upbeat person but just can't get to grips with this situation. Sometimes coming on LS lifts my mood, sometimes reading the posts makes me sad. I did wonder whether to stop looking but some of the posts are very inspiring and the advice given has helped a lot. I haven't tried NC yet; I've never instigated contact but I know that these 'breadcrumbs' are simply that and I have to go to NC. I try to be short with my answers but from looking at advice on here, that's all it takes to keep 'em dangling the carrot. I do have the ability (sometimes) to say 'come on, enough is enough' but other times I just dwell and it hurts. I think I said above that I get a bit worried when I read that some poor people on here are still feeling like this a year or so down the line. I cannot face that so I know I have to get up and get on....all the while with the pain that follows me like a bad smell. Fast forward buttons, I wish they existed when dealing with break ups! Trust me you won't even by recognising the pain you are in and accepting it as part of the process and dealing with it is what will get you clear of these feelings eventually. Most people who still heavily ruminate, are lost, etc are so because they feel a void which im not entirely sure has to do with the person they lost from their life.. Some people recycle hurts or 'keep poking it with a stick' and you don't seem like one of them After my breakup sure i still feel the loss a bit as i thought he was great and special and not many like him but...i was wrong and so now i can see all that happened but without extreme emotion attached to every thought of him. That is not to say you will feel like it never happened....you just won't have a physical reaction when you think of him anymore...this is what will happen as u push through the pain now. Its like a bad flu...u cant remember not feeling that bad, think you are dying and will never get over it....then one day...soon...you do! You will turn a corner but no one can say when .... a lot of that is down to you. BUt be kind and patient to yourself at the same time
siankat Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hi Empty Heart, Thought I would add my 2 cents/story for what it's worth. I too have had the same thoughts when I read that people on LS are still suffering a year later from their break. However, it seems that more times than not, that these people are also maintaining some sort of contact (either outward or inward) with their EXs. A little about me, I was with a woman for just over a year, did everything with her. There were some red flags early on, but I ignored them and kept going. What's embarrassing now is that when I think back about everything, there were actually times that I assumed that she was way more invested in the relationship than I was. To the point that I thought that if I ever had to get out that she would lose her friggin' mind. I made a decision to change my career specialty back in September, and that began to be the beginning of the end. I assumed that she would stick with me through thick and thin, but this didn't turn out to be the case. Over the couple of months before the break up (mid-March) i received a lot of gas light type comments about how I didn't make her feel important, relevant, or was not responsive enough to her. At the time I couldn't really understand where she was coming from, but realized later that she was just trying to make herself feel better because she was probably already thinking about other guys with more immediate financial resources/social status. In fact, I found out randomly through an acquaintance two weeks after our break up that she was already dating someone "that she grew up with." She grew up with a bunch of trust fund types. I give you all this back ground because I want you to know that others are dealing with similar pain and have had to grasp at straws to make sense of everything. In my case, I instigated contact one time after two weeks after our break, just to make sure that she felt the same way. It has now been two months since our break and six weeks of NC. I am not saying that I am over the situation completely, but the NC seems to be allowing me time to go through the grieving process, accept the things that I did to possibly make her lose her interest, and try to move on. I know that injected a lot of my story into this response, but I just wanted to illustrate that sometimes all you have is the ability to keep your mystery and let them go without the luxury of getting to see you fade off into the distance. Regarding your last line it's funny you say that because yeah sure if we become all elusive and disappear mysteriously without another word it will rile our exes up. I wouldn't even want to do that though, and i didn't. That kinda implies something that,...i dunno, i held him in high regard and wanted to end the relationship in the most respectful way and that included not playing any games so i answered his direct questions briefly and ignored the rest. Of course i was still torn up inside but he was not my enemy (nor my friend anymore) and i didnt feel the need to try and manipulate any of his emotions to have the upper hand in breaking up. You are right though...it was definitely his luxury that i handled things that way but i believe...and here maybe i was subconsciously calculating....lol....it just dawned me....that based on everything including my dignified handling of the breakdown of the relationship....he will not be able to remember me in any dismissive way due to actions that were less than honourable post bu. Phew what a spiel... SOrry bout that Empty heart 1
Lost_Soul_86 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Hi Lost, how are you? Thanks for asking about my feelings, you must have known I'm struggling.... This BU malarky is about as much fun as poking rusty nails in your eyes. One minute up, the next down. The thing that's getting to me at the moment is a feeling of 'high anxiety'. Great film but not a great feeling. I feel like I'm 'supercharged', with adrenaline pumping round my veins. It makes me want to be sick in the morning but I do try to breathe through it. I'm usually a pretty upbeat person but just can't get to grips with this situation. Sometimes coming on LS lifts my mood, sometimes reading the posts makes me sad. I did wonder whether to stop looking but some of the posts are very inspiring and the advice given has helped a lot. I haven't tried NC yet; I've never instigated contact but I know that these 'breadcrumbs' are simply that and I have to go to NC. I try to be short with my answers but from looking at advice on here, that's all it takes to keep 'em dangling the carrot. I do have the ability (sometimes) to say 'come on, enough is enough' but other times I just dwell and it hurts. I think I said above that I get a bit worried when I read that some poor people on here are still feeling like this a year or so down the line. I cannot face that so I know I have to get up and get on....all the while with the pain that follows me like a bad smell. Fast forward buttons, I wish they existed when dealing with break ups! God you sound just like me haha, I'm also having a tough time sometimes im up, sometimes im down- majority of the time i'm down. My boss came up to me the other day and said to me "you don't smile anymore" i was already having a **** day and then he said that and i burst into tears, i have never in my life cried at work! Its hard for me to go NC as we have a half built house to deal with the texts i get are purely house related, so not even a slither of a crumb. I sometimes wish i could go NC though, when i haven't spoken to him for a few days i feel much better, then i hear from him and im a blubbering mess again. I thought about not logging onto LS just last night as its starting to become an addiction for me haha, i don't think that's a good thing! I feel as if i will be one of those poor souls a year on down the track and still feeling like my heart is broken into a thousand small pieces. I don't know how to even begin to get over this i really don't. How nice it would be to just hit fast forward and stop at a place in our life's where were happy, smiling and loving life again. This sure does suck, but at least were not alone i suppose that's a small comfort! I do have one thing to look forward to though, i have tickets booked to the UK in 6 weeks time for a months holiday, i just cant wait to get the hell out of hear- The downside, i was supposed to go with my ex so sitting on a plane next to an empty seat for 21 hours is going to be fun ahhh the joys!
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