I will end it with him tonight..but

[seriousgirl]

I guess most of you have known my story. I have been with a MM for 6 months and few weeks ago he told me he wants to do it properly : not having an affair. But he doesnt mean he doesnt love me. He said he hope we can be together when he is single. But right now he can'hat divorce his Chinese wife because of the job, the VISA and most importantly, he isn't ready to file it. Their marriage is not 3 ytears and they have a 1-year-old baby girl. but their attitude towards life are different and they complain each other . They got married because he needed a VISA to stay in HK to be with her and he didnt want to live in England.He thought she would change but she didnt really. but unfortunately she was pregnant .. and thats the situation now. His wife knows clearly that he doesnt love anymore from the message between them (he showed me as i asked) and thus i believed he hasnt had sex with her or kiss her lips since last August. It's true i think based on how he acts and things. So now , he wants to do things properly he doesnt want to get caught .. i understand his stress because this month i have begged or persuaded him not to i agreed to be more silent and complain less to his marriage .But still he is very firm that he wants to take a step back until he is single.

 

having been in this discussion for almost a month i finally think that yes ,, we are both not happy together because of this issue ,,,, so i will agree to him tonight .. And i will move on my life and hope someday soon he will come back to me because we both know we love each other ,,but just at the wrong time.

 

I plan to ask him to do a few things for me after we are just friends ,,, but i want some opinion on them . Are they unreasonable ??

 

1) I dont want him to have sex with her or kiss her anymore. We ll be friends yes. We agreed to lock our love to each other now until he is single. It maybe a year or so..(i think he will do it in max. 3 years ) Even we arent having an affair anymore, i really dont want him to be intimate with her anymore because he doesnt love her , he loves me. And it's the complicated situation delays him to be decisive to divorce. ( Like money , baby,, change a new job. course to study... ) But is it demanding ??? He told me he isnt a horny guy and he can control . I know he isnt horny yes ,, and it's possible that he can really control himself because he could when he was single and he can i believe

 

2) i want him to guarantee that his love to me wont fade away even we dont have an affair . We will still contact each other and talk in the way before we started our affair. We chatted a lot about many things in our life and we gradually liked each other and couldn't control telling our love. That's how our affair started . We never really had sex . Our love is out of comfort and care with each other .So is it demanding for him to do so ??? When we are just friends and dont kiss anymore ?

 

3)I want him to be cool to her on any special occassion with W ( like her birthday , anniversary and special festival ) Even it's her birthday , he should only buy her a simple gift and not have any fancy dinner. On their last wedding anniversary he really listened to me and ended up they had an argument and she put off her ring and went out. They finally had fast food takeaway for lunch. i know it's evil but i was happy that he could do that for me. So his wife knows he doesnt care the marriage anymore.

SO i want him to do this for me in the coming special occassions too, (not have to argue,,but at least being cool to her) and avoid taking pictures with her or spending time ONLY with her in any occassion. I want the baby to disturb them.

 

4)I want him to go out with me anyday near my birthday soon. Even we will be friends again , i still love him and he is an important person to my life. i want him to buy me a present and spend a few hours with me.

[Goodbye]

I'm sorry for the short reply to your lengthy post. What you propose isn't ending it. You need to walk away WITHOUT demands. IF he comes back, well...you know the story. You will never succeed in what you've requested. Even if he agrees, I suspect he'll violate his promises over and over again to keep peace in his daily life.

 

I really think you'd be best served trying to find a way to heal your own mind and heart and get some distance from this man.

 

Good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

seriousgirl - you're not serious - really - are you....?

 

Forget demands, ultimatums, requests or anything where you expect him to agree to put you first.

As a mistress, you have no rights.

The only right you have, as an OW - is to walk away.

 

Everything else is you accepting what is given, and being grateful for what you can get.

 

Walk away, leave it all behind, end this.

But seek nothing in return save for memories, experience and freedom.

[seriousgirl]

OP,

you are basically asking him to be cruel to his wife, make his home a sad place for his child and for him to be miserable...

Well,, to some point yes you are right, i shouldnt manipulate him to love me back. But we are really right for each other. i can see a bright future of us once he is single. He is not happy with his marriage , but he does care about her daughter. And i never forced him not to have sex with her because if he was determined he could have just done that during these few months,, but i BELIEVE he really didnt since last August.. (please dont doubt me,, he really didnt actually) so i just want to make our relationship safe when we cant make it happen now. I want him to be determined enough with my support so he wont be tempted successfully by his W or shake his mind about the troubles of filing a divorce. So i just want his word to me.

[seriousgirl]

Isn't it his daughter too? Are you expecting that he will give up his daughter also when he leaves? I just ask because you posted before that his wife should leave now since she is young enough to find another man for her and her daughter.

 

You realize since they have a child together this woman will be a part of his life in one form or another FOREVER, right?

 

 

yes i do know the child will be a part of his life forever. I dont need him to give up his daughter completely when he leaves . Because i love him i will accept his past and his flaws. I believe our children can make good friends with his daughter too. And i will treat her nice because she is the innocent one , i just hate his mother.

[waterwoman]

yes i do know the child will be a part of his life forever. I dont need him to give up his daughter completely when he leaves . Because i love him i will accept his past and his flaws. I believe our children can make good friends with his daughter too. And i will treat her nice because she is the innocent one , i just hate his mother.

 

Why do you hate her? What has she done to you?

 

And he what do you mean by 'give up his daughter completely'? He shouldn't give her up at all. He might have less contact but that isn't giving her up

[whichwayisup]

SG, you're going about this all wrong on so many levels. Hate to say it, but you have some work to do on yourself and the fact that you're so wrapped up in controlling him and what he does, thinks, feels and says just shows how you actually need to distance and detach yourself from him. Your situation is really unhealthy. The demands you've put on him or hope/expect are totally unreasonable.

 

If he knew what you thought of his child, he'd bail out on you in a heartbeat.

[HonestNeurotic]

yes i do know the child will be a part of his life forever. I dont need him to give up his daughter completely when he leaves . Because i love him i will accept his past and his flaws. I believe our children can make good friends with his daughter too. And i will treat her nice because she is the innocent one , i just hate his mother.

 

Why hate this woman, the wife? What has she done to YOU?

 

What do you mean, give up completely? Why should he be giving anything up at all?

 

No, if you are "breaking up", then you have to walk away with no demands whatsoever. Or you're not really walking away......

 

You sound very young. It is entirely possible that you will change YOUR mind about this dude within a year.

 

IMHO - as always.

[DelusionalOne]

All I can say is "wow..."

Good luck with that... Even as someone who was a OW

Unreasonable is an understatement... Delusional is more likely.

Edited May 1, 2013 by DelusionalOne

[2sure]

You are asking him to act and feel as though he is committed to you. But he has clearly said and demonstrated to you that he is committed to the marriage.

 

I dont understand your expectations.

[thomasb]

If OW had handed me something like this I would have had two words for her... F**K Y*U. This is truly crazy.

[DelusionalOne]

yes i do know the child will be a part of his life forever. I dont need him to give up his daughter completely when he leaves . Because i love him i will accept his past and his flaws. I believe our children can make good friends with his daughter too. And i will treat her nice because she is the innocent one , i just hate his mother.

 

This is truly the scariest thing I have read on this board.

I would not want my child anywhere near you.

[seriousgirl]

:eek:This is about to get real ugly. You are the kind of woman most BS would never want near their child.

 

Well i have to defend for what you said .

1) i know clearly that his wife and child will be a part of his life forever and they will have connection just more or less. So i never wanted him to cut the connection with them . I am not an inhumane person . the baby is just innocent and she needs parental love no matter in a broken or healthy family

2) His flaw is not his child. But maybe he is a married man . But i am fine with it as long as we love each other truly . I dont need anyone to be my life partner but just him right ?

3) i mean i will treat his daughter as an auntie. As long as he doesnt love her more than our children , i feel comforable to take care of her too.

4) i hate his wife yes. Literally , she married the man i love now. But the main reason is that she clearly knows that this man doesnt love her anymore. And she is lazy at work and pushes things for him to do most of the time. First, i doubt why doesnt she just file the divorce while she had put forward it for many times before. Second , she knows their lifestyle dont match gradually then why not end it ?? Also, i dont like her taking away his freedom and not respect him sometimes.

[underwater2010]

First off....you cannot be just "friends" with someone you are having an affair with. That is explained by all the rules you are placing on him. You sound just the crappy wives that treat their husband so bad he has an affair and a good reason too (insert sarcasm).

 

Second how dare you demand he be "cool" to the woman he married. You CANNOT control his behavior anymore that you can control that of a stranger. What are you his mother? I cannot be you can be so cold and callous to a his wife, she has not done anything to you. Except hold legally the man you want.

 

Also, please DO NOT expect a man to not have sex for 1 year plus if you are not giving it up. Guess what someone else will....most likely his wife.

 

I cannot believe how crappy he is and he even drops lower on the POS meter if he agrees to your terms.

[underwater2010]

Well,, to some point yes you are right, i shouldnt manipulate him to love me back. But we are really right for each other. i can see a bright future of us once he is single. He is not happy with his marriage , but he does care about her daughter. And i never forced him not to have sex with her because if he was determined he could have just done that during these few months,, but i BELIEVE he really didnt since last August.. (please dont doubt me,, he really didnt actually) so i just want to make our relationship safe when we cant make it happen now. I want him to be determined enough with my support so he wont be tempted successfully by his W or shake his mind about the troubles of filing a divorce. So i just want his word to me.

I am trying to be nice, but honey his "WORD" did not mean anything to his marriage so what makes you think his "WORD" would hold in water because he gives it to you. Please just let go of all these silly notions and move on. This whole post just has trouble written all over it.

[Praying4Peace]

Serious Girl,

 

This is not normal- your demands are unrealistic and controlling. You are mad at the wife because she is staying with a man who 'doesn't love her'. You're doing the same thing because his actions aren't showing any type of love. He's selfish and only loves himself and what makes him feel good.

 

And he can love his daughter as long as he doesn't love her more than your (unborn) kids? How does one ensure this? I assure you that your contract terms aren't enforceable

 

The subject of this thread is "I will end it..." but you aren't ending it at all!

 

Also- please don't make yourself a doormat for him but agreeing to be his side piece/aunty/'friend' in the wings forever. How will he ever respect you if you don't respect yourself?

 

I know you feel great love for him and can't imagine him not in your life and that's why you are coming up with this stuff- grasping at any way you can to keep him with you. But this is real life and you have to take care of yourself because no one else will- not him- even if you have him 'agree' and 'sign' 50 pages of rules. Remember- he made his wife some promises too and didn't keep those. I assure you that they liked each other at some point

[2sunny]

YOU can't control another person - what they do or don't do.

 

You can accept that he's not leaving her - and make a decision based on that.

 

End it!

 

He's married! He lies. Know that!

 

You are being delusional and unreasonable in your "demands and thinking a you can control him".

[So happy together]

The truth is, aside from the entire post being very, very odd and juvenile, if he loved you enough, and was unhappy in his M he would leave.

 

I understand there are complications in relationships such as these, but you simply cannot tell him how to behave with his wife when you are the outsider. I was OW, I know what I'm talking about. It was bad enough that we were in the middle of an affair, I could never have said "Don't kiss your wife"... really? What gives you the right? You simply don't.

 

I can't imagine every saying something like that to my bf. Not even when we were in the middle of the affair. If he is going to leave, he's not going to hem and haw, he's going to get out.

 

I gave my bf a year to get out of his M or I was leaving. He left in 4 months. If he hadn't left and had significant change concerning divorce etc, I would have ended it. If you think he'll be gone in three years, you will be sorely disappointed.

 

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but you've simply got to see the reality of this.

[daylily]

"I plan to ask him to do a few things for me after we are just friends ,,, but i want some opinion on them . Are they unreasonable ??"

 

YES - yes, and YES. . . they are unreasonable. This almost sounds as though you are in Jr. High School or something. Yet, a part of me believes you really do want to implement these "rules" of yours.

 

And you also want a "guarantee" that his love wont fade. . . Honey, you are not buying a washing machine. This is a real life mess you have entered into. Life does not come with a guarantee; especially in matters concerning the heart.

 

However, life does come with choices. You made a choice to get involved with a married man. Now you need to make the right choice and walk away. Leave him to make his own decisions about what he is going to do with his marriage.

 

If he agrees to any of your ridiculous conditions, he will quickly come to resent you. Not only that. . . you have no way of knowing if he will keep his word. Other than constant nagging at him and checking up on him. No man with a lick of sense or spine is going to put up with that for long.

 

How are you ever going to know he is not kissing or making love to his wife? You wont, it will drive you insane. And he will drop you like a hot rock when you start going off on him about it. . . and you will.

 

He has made the choice to not divorce his wife. In fact, he has told you he is planning on staying with her for three more years. Do you have three years of your life you are willing to throw away?

 

In three years he is going to be even more bonded with his wife and little daughter. The lack of bonding is going to occur with YOU, not his wife.

[So happy together]

Oh dear. All these emotions you are placing on his wife shouldn't they be directed at him? He's not leaving. He's choosing to stay married. She doesn't want this. She's not ****ing someone else he is. He should end his marriage before bedding you, not her the innocent party. Do you hear how unreasonable you sound? You are angry at her because she won't leave him when he is the one ****ing around.

 

 

I thought that was weird too, the fact that she was upset the BS wouldn't file for divorce when the man she is having an affair with won't leave either. Hmm.

[daylily]

a scary after thought...

 

This poster is giving me a "Lisa Nowak" vibe in a major way.

 

The person who said that the MM is backing away slowly is right on the money! I think MM knows he has went for a ride on the "crazy train," and he is probably scared and for good reason.

[BrokenPrincess]

WOW!!!

 

Just as I was sitting here wondering if I was being too demanding because MM & I have talked on the phone in 3 weeks!

 

Holy moly!!!!

[ComingInHot]

Seriousgirl wrote, "3) i mean i will treat his daughter as an auntie. As long as he doesnt love her more than our children , i feel comforable to take care of her too.

4) i hate his wife yes. Literally , she married the man i love now. But the main reason is that she clearly knows that this man doesnt love her anymore. And she is lazy at work and pushes things for him to do most of the time. First, i doubt why doesnt she just file the divorce while she had put forward it for many times before. Second , she knows their lifestyle dont match gradually then why not end it ?? Also, i dont like her taking away his freedom and not respect him sometimes. "

 

O.M.G......

Have you read this, Out Loud? Cause it sounds REALLY "off".

[waterwoman]

Goodness me! You have done the impossible serious girl!! You have made me appreciate H's OW

[RickFox]

Seriousgirl wrote, "3) i mean i will treat his daughter as an auntie. As long as he doesnt love her more than our children , i feel comforable to take care of her too.

4) i hate his wife yes. Literally , she married the man i love now. But the main reason is that she clearly knows that this man doesnt love her anymore. And she is lazy at work and pushes things for him to do most of the time. First, i doubt why doesnt she just file the divorce while she had put forward it for many times before. Second , she knows their lifestyle dont match gradually then why not end it ?? Also, i dont like her taking away his freedom and not respect him sometimes. "

 

O.M.G......

Have you read this, Out Loud? Cause it sounds REALLY "off".

 

I read these parts too and the worst part of this is, that she will treat his daughter as an auntie as long as he doesn't love her more than their children ....WHICH HAVEN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET!

 

Lady, let me tell you this, nobody would tell me how much I could love my daughter from this relationship as opposed to another relationship in which I bore another child. My love for my child, MY, child will always be there and nobody dictates on what level it will be!

 

So I'm curious to know what it is you would do to his daughter should you THINK he loves her more than the kids you think you might have with him one day....the potential answer scares me....