Did I do the right thing?

[may_girl]

I have posted a few threads on this forum, maybe some of you know my back story but I will recap.

 

I was left by my ex 3 months ago, from a 4 year long relationship. He left me for his co-worker and didn't tell me directly, it took me finding several very inappropriate emails for me to find out. I went NC pretty much straight after the break up.

 

Anyway I am posting here because I broke NC for the 2nd time last week. The first time I broke NC, about a month ago, I was very silly and ignorant; I thought I was ready to talk things through and try for a friendship, but he ignored all my messages. It hurt me a lot and I realized I wasn't ready. I had a lot of pent up anger, so I sent him another text (which I thought would be the final one) basically telling him how I hate him for what he's done etc. He replied to that and it lead to us talking on the phone for a couple hours; but we both agreed NC was the way to go. The conversation ended well.

 

Anyway, a few weeks after this leads me to last week. I was on my computer and found the document I saved at the time of the break up, containing all the emails he exchanged with his co-worker. At the time I barely read them because they upset me, but I got the jist of it. However, I read them all properly this night. It made me so angry. I hated how I offered to try for friendship and let him off so easily with the things he said.

 

So I broke NC for the 2nd time. I text him and told him I don't want to hear from him again or have a friendship with him, and I truly meant it. After what he did to me, how could I have lowered myself to breaking NC for the first time? I know I never want to reconcile on any level again, for my self-respect if nothing else. Typically again, he ignored it.

 

I am wondering; did I do the right thing? Or should I have just left it? I have spent a lot of time during this break up blaming myself and questioning all my actions. My frame of mind was that I just didn't want him appearing in the future asking for friendship; I wanted him to know I don't want anything to do with him ever again after what he did. I regret breaking NC the first time, it has lead to this situation.

 

If there is a lesson from this, just don't break NC in the early stages of the break up. Our minds are all over the place and we definitely don't know what we want.

[Am4Real]

First off, everything you are describing as a victim of supposed cheating or deception is not unusual, so please end the self-doubt. [highlight]Your trust has been broken, you have been humiliated (even if only to yourself) and you’re mad as H*E*L*L ![/highlight] Again, perfectly normal.

 

It also normal to want to lash out at the person who hurt you, especially with having being deceived and with you the victim having discovered the incident or incidents yourself. You likely feel uncomfortable with the role of snooping even though you based it on a hunch and ended up proving yourself right. Again, this is a normal feeling that further fuels the anger you have building up inside.

 

However, you EX or most EX’s in the same position are humiliated with themselves as well believe it or not.

 

They ignore or dismiss you because their interest in the new person is higher than it is for you. Unfortunate to hear but more than not it’s the way it is right now. They are likely embarrassed and have no way of knowing exactly what you know (you probably only know a fraction of what is going on) and THEY have no unearthly way to defend it. So rather than enter into a conversation or explanation with the victim (you) who has less of their interest than the new person, they avoid you.

 

Does this mean they are cold, heartless, uncaring individuals? Maybe! But more than likely they do care but either selfish demeanor of these moments is overruling their ability to be sensitive or attentive to anyone but themselves and the new person.

 

Here is what I would do:

 

You’ve said what you have to say. Stop communicating!

 

Believe me, even in his selfish ways of the moment he will remember all the words you said. Right now he cannot process them fully; he might not have the emotional wherewithal to acknowledge them in this selfish state of his, however your words will absolutely come back to haunt him at some future state. Many, many cheaters and liars who are not sociopathic, but either confused, distracted, discovering, and regretful come back at some point to apologize – to make amends – to seek forgiveness – or ease guilt – or all of these states. Whatever, if there is truly a decency to their character, at all, your words will most definitely come back to haunt him.

 

But here’s the thing, if you continue to contact him not only are you reliving your bad pain, your words will have less of an impact on him and erode all of the effects I previously described. Not always but likely. This is because he will begin to project a new image of you, dismissing all of your words and justifying his behaviors through characterizing you as “crazy” or some other description to support his “current state”.

 

Right now you have your dignity and pride intact. You told him you know of his scummy actions and his cheating and deceptive ways whether his new girl is better or worse than you is irreverent. Simply he cheated, lied and deceived you until you found out; otherwise it might still be going on…who knows.

 

It’s time to focus on you. If you’re over-processing the effects of this type of situation like I’ve had to in the past, then you may want to consider counseling or therapy – either are good remedies in the company of professionals who will help you understand none of this is your fault. The choices made leading up to these discovered lies and deception were not yours, they were his. Period!

 

Take care of yourself; love yourself; respect yourself…this is all about you from hereon.

 

Make sense?

 

My thoughts and well wishes are with you this morning.

[TaraMaiden]

Breaking NC means one thing, and one thing only:

You're looking for closure.

It gives you the opportunity to have 'the last word' and say everything you need to say - you fire off with both barrels, let them have the full magazine, and hope it hurts them as much as they hurt you.

 

But you know what?

It doesn't phukkin' work that way.

 

it sucks.

 

The only person you can really get closure from - is yourself.

 

In your place, I would have printed every document off, and burned them, one by one.

Telling each one as it burned -

 

"You can't touch me any more.

I deny you permission to hurt me.

You're history, and consigned to the trash.

This is sooo over, and I am sooo glad.

Go - to - Hell."

 

Just know that breaking NC in future, will simply deflate you further.

Let this be a learning curve.

it's well and truly over.

Move on, and be glad you dodged that bullet.

[may_girl]

Thank you for your response, Am4Real. It's reassuring to know what I am saying is not unusual.

 

I feel that is the thing, I am struggling to deal with the fact he has done this to me without showing any real remorse, with a further kick in the teeth of ignoring me. He has become very selfish and big-headed according to some people I spoke to after the break up (who I have since cut contact with) which leads me to believe he is very happy with his situation, without considering what impact it has all had on me.

 

I think TaraMaiden is right when she says I broke NC to get a 'final word' in. I do want him to hurt, I wish he would. I want him to know what his selfish actions have led to. The guy I knew was very sensitive to my feelings; it is so unnerving to know that he has changed so much - ignoring my messages and sending inappropriate emails to his co-worker without a thought. I suppose I wanted to have the power of leaving with words that would 'haunt' him, as you say.

 

In one way, I don't want him to come begging back feeling regretful or easing his guilt. I feel like he has completely disrespected me - my wishes and wants have not crossed his mind. Like you have said, selfish is the perfect word to describe him now. Him coming back would completely undermine me again after I sent that message. In another way, I do want him to beg for forgiveness so I can ignore him as he has done for me. I honestly can't see the latter happening though, I have him blocked everywhere and I can't see him caring enough to take it further.

 

He definitely is not who I knew anymore and I have to keep remembering that. Maintaining my self-respect is a huge thing for me, I went through a break-up in the past where things got really messy and I was all over the place; I guess I don't deal with these kind of things too well. I definitely don't want him to remember me any differently than I was when we were together.

 

You're right, the best thing I can do is maintain that and realize he is definitely not worth it. His personality change and irrational behavior is a complete sign that I have come off better in this, or at least I will do eventually. Breaking NC in the past can't be changed, but I can influence what I do now, and definitely no more contact. I will never get the answers or response that I want; if he is capable of leaving me that way and showing no remorse for it, he doesn't deserve another second of my thoughts.