I know I'm doing the right thing...Why am I in so much pain?

[Once_a_sunshine]

Hello. I never thought I would find myself on a public divorce forum, yet a quick google search later, here I am. I apologize in advance for the rambling post, as I could probably write a book on what brought me here.

 

Once upon a time I met a wonderful guy. He was caring, kind, and thoughtful. He spoiled me with his love and affection. He made me feel like the only woman in the room. He supported me in my education and career. He was the greatest live-in boyfriend, he cooked and helped with everything around the house, he made sure that I always had gas in my car, he listened to and helped my single girlfriends. He won my 3 year old over and became daddy in a little over a year. He absolutely amazed my parents...That was 10 years ago.

 

We have now been married for almost 5 years and he isn't good for me and I am no longer good for him. There have been countless affairs on his part (I will spare you the glory details), separations, threats to leave, threats of divorce, you name it. I learned of his affair number??? on our first wedding anniversary and things have never been the same between us. I tired to forgive and forget, but he made it impossible by continuing to see that woman for the next 2 years. Apparently they have been together for 2 by the time our first wedding anniversary rolled around, we have been engaged for only 7 months.

 

I know a lot of you would say "What the hell were you thinking staying with him for 5?", but there was always a part of me that never allowed me to leave. Perhaps it was weakness, fear...love?? Maybe, I 'm just an enabler...I really don't know.

 

We were on an expat assignment overseas. I was a stay at home mom and didn't have anywhere to go. I was able to eventually get a job, changed my career, made friends, and got a life outside of my toxic relationship. Having that kind of support made it easy to go through separations, fights, and just pain of it all. He continued to cheat, take his girlfriend on vacations, sneaking around hotels, supporting her financially.

 

He finally swore that it all ended, but...did it really? If he had lied to me once, what would stop him from doing it again? There is this forever lingering doubt. There are things that he he has been doing that are not typical for him....And then there is that gut feeling.

 

I have made efforts, I tried to forgive, I tried to forget. I have tried being there for him and changing myself to fit into his idea of perfect. I have tried counseling - 6 months on a shrink's couch, twice a week...alone.

 

Transition back from the assignment was really tough on us financially and emotionally. There was a lot of instability. He had a hard time finding a job, it took me almost a year. I yet again thought about divorce, but didn't want to jump the sinking ship. Somehow, there I always had hope that he would see things for what they were would stop living in his own little world, which now consists of his job, gym and hobbies. The house, bills, child, even car maintenance - all became my responsibility. Trough exhaustion and feeling worthless, intimacy became non-existent. He would spend most night on the couch.

 

I know that divorce is the only option for me to regain control of my life- there is so much I want to accomplish. Yet, there is so much hurt? Is it my ego that is hurting? I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out. I am so angry all the time. I am a shadow of what I used to be - a young, vibrant professional. I used to smile and laugh, and take risks. I feel like I've aged 20 years and lost every interesting aspect of myself, and I'm only 31. I see no future with him, yet I am always in tears....I just want to laugh again.

[7andcounting]

I'm sorry your going through this, but believe that you will regain control. I am struggling to do the same in my marriage and my husband is relentless. Though we do not have affairs to deal with, I have come to the realization that we will need to be happy. YOU need to make yourself happy.

 

Someone told me that as people we have habits. When we reach a point in making a decision which could alter our lives the first choice is to go right (the comfortable) it take courage to go left at the fork. I have chosen to go left and while its hard, its proven that I am worth more then what my husband has offered me.

[2.50 a gallon]

Think of it this way!

 

This is never going to get better!

 

And you have no chance of meeting Mr. Right while in this marriage

 

So you have a choice: Stay in the marriage and be angry, unhappy for life,

 

Or get out now, and begin to recover and heal so that you will be available when love once again knocks.

[Once_a_sunshine]

Thank you! I understand that pain will go away eventually. A day will come and I will feel like my old self again.

 

I had somewhat of an Oprah Aha! moment today. What he did and does, doesn't reflect poorly on me, it reflects poorly on him!! I would spend hours, even days analyzing where it all had gone wrong, what I could have done differently. And I understand that the answer is simple. I could have done nothing!!

 

He emptied out our joint account yesterday and opened his own. I am currently waiting on my contract to renew, so in the meantime I am not getting paid!! Luckily, I have been setting money aside for a while to buy a car, as we are currently sharing one. So I am ok financially for now.

 

I'm not sure if he will cover any bills, including rent this month, even though we still live together. I'm prepping myself for that.

 

He's also posting insults aimed at me and flirtatious messages (obviously aimed at other women) all over twitter, the only social networking site where he hasn't mentioned that he had a family, and that was kept locked up and private until just a few months ago.

 

It may be impossible at times, but I will not give him a satisfaction of seeing me crumble!! His decisions and actions are showing his true character, not mine. I'll leave the nastiness to my lawyer and will focus on myself and my future for a change.

[ver13]

I can't see the question here? Based off of what you have related in your post what other choice do either of you have. Unless he has a life changing event that re-orders his world view you got all that he is capable of giving. You could try MC but it doesn't look like the issues are M related they appear to be personal. Unless he is willing to address some of these things in IC there is nothing to talk about. Now you have to make some decisions on where you see yourself going from this point on.