mrfelt1 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 So there is a long back story to my dilemma. I was dating my roommate who is 30 and I am 31. We start off as just a hookup and feelings developed. When we were just friends she would always talk about how she had been hurt by men in the past and she never wanted to be exclusive until she was married. We date off and on for the past 7 months. She is very christian and had a hard time dating and living with me. We talked about being in public but she was afraid of what her mom would think. We did tell our closest friends but many times we had to act like not a couple. We once agreed to not date until I moved out once the lease was up or she could find someone to take my spot. Well we ended up dating again. She even gave me her V-card. She did feel bad about that but she new it with someone who cared about her. Well about 2 weeks ago she comes to me feeling that we need to stop everything because as she says her body cannot resist me and she is thinking of staying with some friends until I move out. Well a week later she goes to this conference and meets a guy. He lives four hours away and she is already going to spend 4 days with him for his bday and going to a wedding with him later this month. I asked if we were not living together would we still be dating. She says yes. I asked when I move out would we. She states she does not know. She will consider it when the hurt ends and she has had sometime. I asked her what hurt there has been she then stated she does not know. When I asked her about this guy she stated she is just trying to find what she likes and doesn't like. She even told me I am everything she wants but something is missing. She does not know what it is. Other times she states I was never on her radar to start because I am not her physical type. I am about 20 lbs lighter than she likes. She also told me she felt like she was a hook up only even though I told her how much I liked her and took her out on dates and took care of her after her knee surgery. What should I do or think? I am sure I forgot some details so feel free to ask follow up questions.
TaraMaiden Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 This sounds complicated, but really it isn't. My personal objective/opinion: Her religious convictions have basically held back her social/sexual development. She may be 30, but when it comes to personal/moral/social/sexual maturity, she hasn't been out much, so she's 'younger' in her attitudes. Somewhat naive maybe. 'innocent', perhaps.... And now she wants to spread her wings and try flying for a while. She wants you as a back-up fall-guy. She's keeping you in place for when she lands and decides If it comes to it) that she needs a safe haven. You - to put it classically - are not the 'priority'. You're the 'option'. Her need to explore her sexuality is hampered by her christian attitudes, and her being hurt in the past. So attachment is commitment, and commitment is scary, given her painful past. The only way to safeguard herself from getting in too deep, is to 'stay in the shallows'. She's distancing herself from you to - frankly - see how 'playing the filed' may work out. She already has a guy lined up - but 'you stay put, I may well need you, if it goes tits-up'. Break this up. If she's openly telling you that she's going to date another guy, this is an indication that all bets are off.
Author mrfelt1 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 TaraMaiden, so you are telling me to just move on? I will say I have dated many women and just walked away. I do not want to walk away from this one.
TaraMaiden Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 She's not giving you the choice; she's made that decision. She's the one walking away. Her indecisiveness, and constant "I don't knows" are actually ways she is trying to tell you that "you're not 'The One', sorry" but she's trying to avoid putting it into words, to avoid hurting you. Which is pointless, because you're already hurting.... She wants to see this guy to see what she likes. Great. That means that you - are not what she likes. But she's used you, and admitted as much. That's as clear an indication you need, that you are an option. And sadly, not one that is high on her list. Her messages may seem to be mixed, but one thing's for sure. This is a no-brainer, darling.
EmptyWalls Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Shes sounds confused and not really sure what she wants. Not saying its not you but obviously there is no commitment there. Sounds like you guys were friends, got close and now maybe she regrets that and doesn't want to harm the friendship or lose you as a friend. You can accept it and move on or wait.. but hell who knows how long that will take. Its not even safe to say she will want a relationship with you. Tara you da man!! da woman!! I would take her advice! Hell even if you dont want to give up on her what does it hurt to keep your eyes open? Shes got hers open.
mutant Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 MrFelt it's time you look at the situation as it is and not what it ought to be. She appears wishy washy but really passes on strong indications that she wan'ts to explore the world and her sexuality. I personally can't see her christian values and she appears to be immature despite being 30. You can't allow her to keep you as an option- the fallback guy-just in case whatever she has with this new guy doesn't work out. The best way out is to consider this relationship over and focus on moving on. You could waste a lot of time if you try to pursue wishy washy people and still end up heartbroken. Cut your losses now; no need to stay on the sidelines as she spends quality time with the new guy during his birthday. Go NC on her-follow the link on Tara's signature for guidance on the same. Take Tara's advice, he's really spot-on.
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