Lost_Soul_86 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I don’t really know where to start, I have posted on this forum not long ago with my story see below link (hopefully it works) https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/388306-9-year-relationship-down-drain Yesterday I ended up going to the house (that is now up for lease as of next Friday- when he will move out) I felt as If I needed to get some things of my chest that are eating away at me (I know stupid idea) but I figured after 9 years I owed it to myself and him to let it all out. I apologized over and over again for every ****ty thing I ever said or did to him, I realize now a lot of the time I was such a bitch for no apparent reason and how I couldn't stop thinking about it ( He said stop doing that to myself) For example he was building our house and he would call up on a Saturday whilst working out in the heat building it to bring him some lunch, and I would get ****ty…why? I don’t know? I guess I was too busy in my selfish little life. This was one of the things he bought up last night and said it was “disappointing” more than anything, I have so many regrets and so much guilt, I can’t stop thinking about how awful I was to him after everything he had ever done/given to me. I guess just after everything we have been through I didn't think he would ever go anywhere, I thought we were forever. He said last night that we just weren't meant to be and that you can love somebody but not be in love with somebody. We don’t work together and never have, he apologized for it taking so long to figure out and that he thinks he is supposed to be one of those people who spend their whole life alone as he is content on being by himself and that we were more like best friends than anything else. He also mentioned the spark thing and me not being attracted to him anymore (which isn't true) and that we both weren't happy, I don’t know maybe that is true but surely you can get happiness back? What im feeling now is definitely far from happy! We also didn't have much of a sex life (probably haven’t really had one from the beginning) this was mainly on my part, I just wish all of these thoughts would just get out of my head!! He also said that he has serious issues within himself (He doesn't know his real dad and about 7 of his friends died when he was 17) all in which he won’t see a Councillor or anything about, I always knew that he had issues with these two things but he hardly ever spoke about them. I gave one last hug goodbye and he said he loved me and if I ever needed anything to call him. I'm hurting so much and feel so much remorse, he is the other half of me and I truly don’t know how to keep living my life without him. We have an unbuilt house together that he just wants to pay me out off, and wipe his hands clean. This was supposed to be our dream house and im afraid that once that’s gone im totally going to lose the plot. I feel as if I have nothing left anymore! I've realized my mistakes and would give my soul to take everything back and start again! I wish he felt the same way as me, it kills me to know he thinks we just weren't meant to be, he loves me but not like that anymore. I didn't know how in trouble we really were, I feel as if no one understands me, I know this is my own fault, sure he wasn't perfect all the time but I over reacted on so many things. I know a lot of people say time heals, I just don’t see time ever healing these wounds im a total mess and the regret and guilt is eating away at me. All i keep thinking about is all the amazing things he ever did for me that i didn't appreciate at the time. I have now lost any hope of any reconciliation but I do hope that one day this pain subsides and these tears dry.
SalientPoint Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Well in a way it sounds like at least you got some closure, so maybe that will help? But I know how you feel where it's just like " were we in the same relationship?" cause you think everything is going alright and then boom! I wouldn't blame yourself too much though, because if he was thinking all that then he should have had a conversation with you before just bailing. I hope you're feeling somewhat better.
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