fredrolin Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Before I ask for advice on an issue here is a little background: I have been married 10 years. My 23-year-old stepson has always lived with us. He works full time and goes to college. He pays no rent, does no chores, and does what he pleases in our home. I don’t like any of this but I have come to the realization that this is the way my wife wants it and this is the way it is going to be. Fine. What I need is advice on how to cope with things that my stepson does that irritates me. Most of them are little pet peeves but I am obsessed with being irritated by these little things because I have no control in changing them. Examples of some of the things he does: Opens a can of pop. Takes a few sips. Sets the can on the table, walks away. A little time later takes a new can of pop, takes a few sips, sets it down, and walks away. I find open full flat cans of pop all the time. Walk into a room. Turn on lights and the TV. Leave the room or house leaving everything on. Cook something, leave the mess, and never put dishes in the dishwasher. Take a container of ice cream out of the freezer. Get a bowl of ice cream. Leave container of ice cream out all night to melt. You get the idea. I came from a very frugal household where I got punished for doing such things. And it’s not only the issue of the money that I work to earn that he is wasting it’s the “I don’t give a crap” attitude. I have tried confronting my stepson directly about these issues. I get a lame “I’m sorry” but he continues to do it. I have discussed these issues with my wife and her answer is always “I’ll talk to him” but if she does it’s in passing and besides these things really don’t bother her so she really doesn’t make a big deal out of it. I feel defeated and alone. It eats me up inside that I have to live like this and I have no control. The anger consumes me to the point of obsession. I know I can’t do anything about these things so I am begging your advice on how to cope and live with my stepson’s pet peeves before I jump off the roof.
Moose Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I know I can’t do anything about these things so I am begging your advice on how to cope and live with my stepson’s pet peeves before I jump off the roof. WHAT!!!! You bet your sweet ass you can do something about it!!! Step son or no.....he's living in YOUR house!!! Tell your wife she'd better fix it with him or you're going to. I would take a friggin' stand and tell him what he's doing wrong and what he's going to do to fix it or he can just get out and live on his own with no help from you whatsoever. He can scream and yell at you all he wants about how your not his father and you will most likely catch some flack from the Mrs., but I would stand firm and straighten this kid out. You work hard for your home to pay your bills and feed your family....don't let some punk step son walk all over you. Teach him some respect and put him on the right path. Someone is going to have to and I'm willing to bet you love him so fix him before it's too late.... I definitley wouldn't put up with ANY of that crap!!!!
Author fredrolin Posted September 22, 2004 Author Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by Moose WHAT!!!! You bet your sweet ass you can do something about it!!! Step son or no.....he's living in YOUR house!!! Tell your wife she'd better fix it with him or you're going to. I would take a friggin' stand and tell him what he's doing wrong and what he's going to do to fix it or he can just get out and live on his own with no help from you whatsoever. He can scream and yell at you all he wants about how your not his father and you will most likely catch some flack from the Mrs., but I would stand firm and straighten this kid out. You work hard for your home to pay your bills and feed your family....don't let some punk step son walk all over you. Teach him some respect and put him on the right path. Someone is going to have to and I'm willing to bet you love him so fix him before it's too late.... I definitley wouldn't put up with ANY of that crap!!!! Believe me I have tried all your advice only to lose in the end. Things got so bad that my wife threatened divorce if I didn't stop complaining about her son. The problem isn't only my stepson, it's my wife refusing to disipline the kid. She wants him to live with us until he gets a degree and is willing to put up with his nonsense. I am defeated and just looking for a way to cope. I'm not going to win this battle.
YellowLioness Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I posted on your other thread, but I'll go ahead and post again on this one: I think he should pay you 25 cents for every pop he ruins; he should have to pay for whatever he leaves out that spoils. I think that's fair. My mom would have never tolerated that bullsh*t. Neither will I once I'm a parent. He needs to get a grip, and start respecting you more. As for coping, you can't do anything really, so just ignore him. Pretend that some mean fairy is leaving things out. Since asking him to take care of himself isn't working, you'll just have to pick up after him. Actually, I'd ask that your wife pick up after him, since she won't let you dicipline him. It should be her job.
Moose Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Believe me I have tried all your advice only to lose in the end. Things got so bad that my wife threatened divorce if I didn't stop complaining about her son. The problem isn't only my stepson, it's my wife refusing to disipline the kid. She wants him to live with us until he gets a degree and is willing to put up with his nonsense. I am defeated and just looking for a way to cope. I'm not going to win this battle. Then by all means, tell her to file for divorce, the judge will NEVER grant it. If she's looking forward to her kid getting a degree and becoming wealthy enough to support her.....then she better wake up out of that fantasy cause it ain't gonna happen. Take a stand, tell her to leave if that's what it takes, you are being taken advantage of and I hope you don't stand for it. You'll be so miserable, ( Actually you probably already are ). If you need me to come out and tell it to them straight, I WILL!!! You don't deserve this nonsense!!!
brashgal Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Stop buying soda. If he wants it, tell him he can buy it for himself - he'll stop leaving the cans around. Does he have his own bathroom? Leave his dirty dishes in his sink, tub or shower. Other than that you have to start following him around and pointing out what he is doing and make him fix it at that point in time. It will be wicked aggravating for the both of you but he'll see you mean business. Don't complain to your wife - he isn't a kid, you'll have to deal with him directly. By 23 you'd think he'd have outgrown this behavior. Bless your heart for putting up with this as long as you have.
Author fredrolin Posted September 22, 2004 Author Posted September 22, 2004 So what everyone is saying is that I am a fool to let this 23 year old "man" walk all over me and I should demand a change in his behavior even if it causes constant friction and fights in my household. So you are saying there is no way to cope with it? The problem with standing up to this situation is that it will surely put a strain on my marriage to the point of my wife wanting to end the marriage. We have been through this before. She will always choose her son and her views on how she raises him over me and my opinion. Our 8 year old daughter is my main concern.
Moose Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin So what everyone is saying is that I am a fool to let this 23 year old "man" walk all over me and I should demand a change in his behavior even if it causes constant friction and fights in my household. So you are saying there is no way to cope with it? The problem with standing up to this situation is that it will surely put a strain on my marriage to the point of my wife wanting to end the marriage. We have been through this before. She will always choose her son and her views on how she raises him over me and my opinion. Our 8 year old daughter is my main concern. If your wife is choosing her son over you, then what seems to be your problem with causing strain? That information is enough for me to tell her, "Fine, you and your son go live else where". I'm sure you love your wife dearly and would hate to lose her....but come on!!! You should be number 1 on her list even over her son. She should be showing you the respect you deserve. In the biblical sense, when she married you she gave control of her life, and her children's lives over to you. If she can't follow your orders or demands, she's got to learn!!! Now, these orders and demands are of the reasonable sort.......I wouldn't order or demand anything that isn't within reason. Seriously, you are the head of your household, and that's your castle they're living in. You better get control of it. Don't let your wife's threats of divorce scare you. The judge won't grant it for trying to get a grip on her son. Chances are he'll scold your wife for allowing it. You 8 year old is watching every one of big brother's moves. What do you think she's learning? I'm sure you don't want the same wiring in her as your step sons......if she's your main concern, that ALL the more reason to demand change in his behavior!!!
Bronzepen Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 If your wife threatens you with divorce over a simple issue as this then your marriage is in trouble. This sounds like a one sided marriage and your wife is calling all the shots. Marriage is an equal partnership. There is no real way to cope with something like this. You have to honestly ask yourself this question: Are you happy with your marriage? Don't worry about your 8 year old daughter. What I mean by this is, she will deal with your divorce just like any other child with divorce parents. I am hoping that you do find a solution and save your marriage and not end up divorced. Here is one suggestion. Your step son is a 23 year old man. He is old enough to make his own decisions. So talk to him directly. Leave your wife out of the picture. Talk to him, man to man. Talk complain to him but tell him what's bothering you about him. Tell him that you will "help" him by reminding him to pickup after himself and don't let off until he does it. Meaning don't stop until he physically puts the can away, cleans up the dishes, ect... Don't say anything to your wife. This is between you and him. If your wife says anything to you, just say "Your concerns are noted and I will take it under consideration." Then keep "helping" your stepson. Good Luck.
YellowLioness Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 If your wife threatens you with divorce over a simple issue as this then your marriage is in trouble soooo true. Marriage is an equal partnership. Right. I believe that the couple should be a team, always working together. They should form a united front.
Butchey Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Start charging him rent and use the money to pay a housekeeper. 23 and rent free. He can't do little chores to help you guys? You are doing everything for him. Time for a realtiy check.
Always Thinking Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 There is nothing to cope with! Obviously you are writing for advice because your step-sons behavious bothers you! It appears to me that neither your wife or step-son respects you. Since your step-son does not work and does not know the reality of working hard to have the items in your household, then simply stop supplying the items he wastes! If your pleaing for aide is not working then maybe there is more in store with your marriage then you know! Family therapy is always an answer! Divorce talk over something that you guys should be able to sit down as a family and deal with is simply ridiculous!
savethedrama4allama Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Hi Fredrolin, any updates on this? I wonder how your wife thinks that allowing her son to behave this way is going to assist him for growing into a responsible adult. By 23 I was married and running my own household, so I cannot imagine. I understand that you have an 8 year old daughter to worry about here. But also you must consider the example she is learning from her older stepbrother, one that could be as damaging as watching mom & dad fight or even get divorced over this (which I doubt but if you did there are larger issues to blame, wouldn't you say?) She is learning that life is a free ride, when its not. That you can abuse people's generosity well past the age of maturity. Your daughter deserves a better example. I would say this: $150/rent per month, and I am not your housekeeper, or else get out. Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. That is not asking too much, the guy is 23 after all. I venture to say that someday he will thank you. What to do with your wife's reaction on this...I'm not sure. But how long are you going to let him do this? What other options do you have?
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