The_Truth Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Has a guy ever taken you for granted? If so, what did he do?
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Every single guy I have ever dated for longer than 2 months has taken me for granted. Basically, they expect me to put more into the relationship than them. The relationship shifts from 50/50 to 20/80 with me doing the 80%. This happens because men tend to be less caring and nurturing and are the more selfish sex with larger egos. I think women can become complacent too but most relationships Ive watched the man does it more. Society has a long list of justifications for why men act this way while when a woman acts this way there is a long list of derogatory names to call her. Our society really does reinforce this idea that women are supposed to be the more selfless sex. It is evident on this site as well. I love it when I read threads about stuff people would do with their S.O's and I find it no coincidence that the men that respond to these threads make all the answers about them and the women that respond interject several times theyd ask their partner. Edited May 1, 2013 by pbjbear 5
TouchedByViolet Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 If a person takes someone for granted they really aren't into them or feel they deserve better. Not gender specific. I don't think their is anything you can do other than make yourself more desirable in some way if you know how. 1
Treasa Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 If I'm being taken for granted, I stop doing as much for that person. I pull back. If they don't "get it" and step it up, I leave. 2
Author The_Truth Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Every single guy I have ever dated for longer than 2 months has taken me for granted. Basically, they expect me to put more into the relationship than them. The relationship shifts from 50/50 to 20/80 with me doing the 80%. This happens because men tend to be less caring and nurturing and are the more selfish sex with larger egos. I think women can become complacent too but most relationships Ive watched the man does it more. Society has a long list of justifications for why men act this way while when a woman acts this way there is a long list of derogatory names to call her. Our society really does reinforce this idea that women are supposed to be the more selfless sex. It is evident on this site as well. I love it when I read threads about stuff people would do with their S.O's and I find it no coincidence that the men that respond to these threads make all the answers about them and the women that respond interject several times theyd ask their partner. So can you tell me what started to happen in the relationship you were in and how he took you for granted? I want to respect any one I'm with...
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 So can you tell me what started to happen in the relationship you were in and how he took you for granted? I want to respect any one I'm with... I could write an essay about it. Main points: -His schedule starts to become more important than mine. EVERY SINGLE GUY I have dated I have been busier than them yet this still happens. -Expects me to hang out with his friends quite frequently while he wrinkles his nose if he has to spend a litte bit of time with mine -Less verbal and physical affection. This is a big one. I dont expect to be catered to either. I am not needy. But I find men do alot of this stuff in the beginning, being nice and affectionate, to snag you and then stop once they know they "have" you. -Becomes selfish in bed (lack of foreplay is a huge complaint among women in LTR's and marriages) -If I do something nice for him they start expecting it all the time. The biggest example I can think of is if I cook for a guy, he starts expecting it more and more. I find most men want a woman with whom they live with who not only pays half the bills like them, but also does most of the domestic duties. Some men dont even realize how little they help out. Did you know in over 80% of marriages where both partners work full time, the woman does over 70% of the housework and child care? Google "double burden" It is the reason why studies show men in marriages tend to be less depressed than single men yet the OPPOSITE is found for women. Its because men get more needs tended to and women get more work. -Lack of respect. They say degrading things to me and become less polite and caring, but get mad if I do the same (my best example of this is them making disrespectful comments about women in front of me on a continual basis and then they get angry if I do the same thing about other men.) All of these behaviors do not emerge overnight by the way. I did date one guy who literally turned into a different person overnight, but with most of them these behaviors came out gradually. Unfortunately, most men today are misogynists. It is ingrained into our culture that the woman plays the more selfless role and is the thing to be objectified and the man play the more selfish role and are the objectifiers. Im not blaming men 100% because women enable this behavior. Alot of women dont even realize they are doing this. I see women on this site do it. I have purposefully started threads on this site taking a previous guy's thread (where he admits to selfish behavior) and changing the genders. Its mind baffling the difference I get: I get called all sorts of things while the men get more empathetic responses. I am called a man hater on this site when all I want is a guy who is not more selfish than me and is willing to put the same amount of effort into a relationship as me and is a caring, respectful person. I dont hate men but I demand that they hold themselves to the same standards they hold me to. I walk away when a guy treats me bad. I am not weak and this type of behaivior is the REASON why I will be single for a long time. No guy I have ever met has been able to deliver to me what I deliver to him long term- shy, outgoing, smart, laidback, hot, average looking. The thing is, on this site alpha assertive men are seen as guys who will treat you bad and the shyer dorkier guys will treat you better. Guys on here say my attitude is due to being a poor "man picker." Perhaps when I was younger yes...but as a girl who has dated mostly dorky guys who arent fitness models or super hot, I have to say the men on this site that say that are full of bullcrap. All men are capable of these behaviors, no matter their personality type or style and it is a societal problem- it is okay for men to be selfish more than women and this is why men taked women for granted more than vice versa. 4
HuffmanMontana Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I could write an essay about it. Main points: -His schedule starts to become more important than mine. EVERY SINGLE GUY I have dated I have been busier than them yet this still happens. -Expects me to hang out with his friends quite frequently while he wrinkles his nose if he has to spend a litte bit of time with mine -Less verbal and physical affection. This is a big one. I dont expect to be catered to either. I am not needy. But I find men do alot of this stuff in the beginning, being nice and affectionate, to snag you and then stop once they know they "have" you. -Becomes selfish in bed (lack of foreplay is a huge complaint among women in LTR's and marriages) -If I do something nice for him they start expecting it all the time. The biggest example I can think of is if I cook for a guy, he starts expecting it more and more. I find most men want a woman with whom they live with who not only pays half the bills like them, but also does most of the domestic duties. Some men dont even realize how little they help out. Did you know in over 80% of marriages where both partners work full time, the woman does over 70% of the housework and child care? Google "double burden" It is the reason why studies show men in marriages tend to be less depressed than single men yet the OPPOSITE is found for women. Its because men get more needs tended to and women get more work. -Lack of respect. They say degrading things to me and become less polite and caring, but get mad if I do the same (my best example of this is them making disrespectful comments about women in front of me on a continual basis and then they get angry if I do the same thing about other men.) All of these behaviors do not emerge overnight by the way. I did date one guy who literally turned into a different person overnight, but with most of them these behaviors came out gradually. Unfortunately, most men today are misogynists. It is ingrained into our culture that the woman plays the more selfless role and is the thing to be objectified and the man play the more selfish role and are the objectifiers. Im not blaming men 100% because women enable this behavior. Alot of women dont even realize they are doing this. I see women on this site do it. I have purposefully started threads on this site taking a previous guy's thread (where he admits to selfish behavior) and changing the genders. Its mind baffling the difference I get: I get called all sorts of things while the men get more empathetic responses. I am called a man hater on this site when all I want is a guy who is not more selfish than me and is willing to put the same amount of effort into a relationship as me and is a caring, respectful person. I dont hate men but I demand that they hold themselves to the same standards they hold me to. I walk away when a guy treats me bad. I am not weak and this type of behaivior is the REASON why I will be single for a long time. No guy I have ever met has been able to deliver to me what I deliver to him long term- shy, outgoing, smart, laidback, hot, average looking. The thing is, on this site alpha assertive men are seen as guys who will treat you bad and the shyer dorkier guys will treat you better. Guys on here say my attitude is due to being a poor "man picker." Perhaps when I was younger yes...but as a girl who has dated mostly dorky guys who arent fitness models or super hot, I have to say the men on this site that say that are full of bullcrap. All men are capable of these behaviors, no matter their personality type or style and it is a societal problem- it is okay for men to be selfish more than women and this is why men taked women for granted more than vice versa. Reality: you make bad choices in the men you date.
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Reality: you make bad choices in the men you date. Reality: Most "nice guys" take you for granted in the long run. Way to ignore 90% of what I said in my post. Did you read the part where I AVOID players and date DORKY GUYS?? Reality: Men are ALLOWED to be more selfish than women. Did you know statistics show that 80% of marriages where BOTH partners work full time, the woman does over 70% of the housework/childcare? MIND BAFFLING Take a look around this site. Misogynists everywhere and people are much less mean to them. Have you read Mr. Soul's posts? Blatant misogynist....nobody calls him out on it. Me, I write valid points and IM blamed. *NONE OF THESE MEN I TALKED ABOUT TREATED ME BAD THE FIRST 3 MONTHS WE DATED.* Read Teresa's response...I DO WALK AWAY from men that treat me badly. Im not a victim. I do NOT ALLOW IT I know my new response to every male thread on this site: "you pick crappy women." Welp guys, I will be banned from this site soon because that wont go over too well... Edited May 1, 2013 by pbjbear
BluEyeL Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I could write an essay about it. Main points: -His schedule starts to become more important than mine. EVERY SINGLE GUY I have dated I have been busier than them yet this still happens. -Expects me to hang out with his friends quite frequently while he wrinkles his nose if he has to spend a litte bit of time with mine -Less verbal and physical affection. This is a big one. I dont expect to be catered to either. I am not needy. But I find men do alot of this stuff in the beginning, being nice and affectionate, to snag you and then stop once they know they "have" you. -Becomes selfish in bed (lack of foreplay is a huge complaint among women in LTR's and marriages) -If I do something nice for him they start expecting it all the time. The biggest example I can think of is if I cook for a guy, he starts expecting it more and more. I find most men want a woman with whom they live with who not only pays half the bills like them, but also does most of the domestic duties. Some men dont even realize how little they help out. Did you know in over 80% of marriages where both partners work full time, the woman does over 70% of the housework and child care? Google "double burden" It is the reason why studies show men in marriages tend to be less depressed than single men yet the OPPOSITE is found for women. Its because men get more needs tended to and women get more work. -Lack of respect. They say degrading things to me and become less polite and caring, but get mad if I do the same (my best example of this is them making disrespectful comments about women in front of me on a continual basis and then they get angry if I do the same thing about other men.) There are men who don't do these things. My ex husband was respectful towards me, very verbally and physically affectionate (for 20 yrs), very generous in bed, didn't expect me to cook he didn't care about food (I did cook though). Still he didn't do any housework and he was a bad husband and father in other, important, critical areas, where he DID take me for granted. I couldn't care less if I did all the housework, or if he went out with his friends, if only he pulled his weight and was committed to major family goals. My point is that these are not the only problems that could arise in a relationship and there are men who don't display these traits and behaviors. 1
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 There are men who don't do these things. My ex husband was respectful towards me, very verbally and physically affectionate (for 20 yrs), very generous in bed, didn't expect me to cook he didn't care about food (I did cook though). Still he didn't do any housework and he was a bad husband and father in other, important, critical areas, where he DID take me for granted. I couldn't care less if I did all the housework, or if he went out with his friends, if only he pulled his weight and was committed to major family goals. My point is that these are not the only problems that could arise in a relationship and there are men who don't display these traits and behaviors. I said "i could write an essay." That means that list wasnt exhaustive. Those were the MAIN problems Ive had with men taking me for granted. You said he was a bad husband and father...so your post is irrelevant. Its funny how women take up for men that dont treat them well. He still took you for granted and you are STICKING UP FOR HIM? WHY??????
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 GENERALLY (there are always exceptions), Men are more likely to take and take from a woman, and not feel any remorse about it, whereas women tend to feel "Bad" if they arent catering to their partners needs or giving at least 50% at all given times. This woman speaks the truth. It is so ingrained in our culture this is the role women are supposed to play. I might never meet a decent nonselfish man and Im fine with that. Id rather be alone. Feminism still has a ways to go.
HuffmanMontana Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Reality: Most "nice guys" take you for granted in the long run. Way to ignore 90% of what I said in my post. Did you read the part where I AVOID players and date DORKY GUYS?? So, dorky guys cannot mistreat women? What does this even mean... Maybe you need to stop looking for "dorky" guys and start dating who you are interested in or are you only interested in dorky guys? IDK what to tell you, you sound like you're not ready to date. Reality: Men are ALLOWED to be more selfish than women. I suppose that's true if YOU let them get away with it /shrug Did you know statistics show that 80% of marriages where BOTH partners work full time, the woman does over 70% of the housework/childcare? MIND BAFFLING Show us a link, a survey from a woman's magazine doesn't count. Take a look around this site. Misogynists everywhere and people are much less mean to them. Have you read Mr. Soul's posts? Blatant misogynist....nobody calls him out on it. Me, I write valid points and IM blamed. *NONE OF THESE MEN I TALKED ABOUT TREATED ME BAD THE FIRST 3 MONTHS WE DATED.* I haven't read his post and that posters attitude has nothing to do with yours. Read Teresa's response...I DO WALK AWAY from men that treat me badly. Im not a victim. I do NOT ALLOW IT I know my new response to every male thread on this site: "you pick crappy women." Welp guys, I will be banned from this site soon because that wont go over too well... Poor you.
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 So, dorky guys cannot mistreat women? What does this even mean... Maybe you need to stop looking for "dorky" guys and start dating who you are interested in or are you only interested in dorky guys? IDK what to tell you, you sound like you're not ready to date. I suppose that's true if YOU let them get away with it /shrug Show us a link, a survey from a woman's magazine doesn't count. I haven't read his post and that posters attitude has nothing to do with yours. Poor you. I dont let men get away with it. Thats why Im single and perhaps will always be single. I said that too so obviously you didnt thoroughly read my post. Ive dumped pretty much all the men who have treated me this way. Very very few men exist today that wont become selfish. Ive accepted it. Poor you- a woman who calls men out on their bullsh** and Im such a bad person...thanks for reinforcing the point of my post. 1
BluEyeL Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I said "i could write an essay." That means that list wasnt exhaustive. Those were the MAIN problems Ive had with men taking me for granted. You said he was a bad husband and father...so your post is irrelevant. Its funny how women take up for men that dont treat them well. He still took you for granted and you are STICKING UP FOR HIM? WHY?????? I'm not sticking up for him. I divorced him. The point is, he wasn't 100% evil, nobody is just evil or angel. He was verbally and physically affectionate, generous in bed, and respectful towards me, never put me down. To sum it up, he was an excellent boyfriend, bad husband and father. In more detail, he expected me to carry him around and find him jobs, resolve all major issues in our life (moving from Europe to the US, moving from place to place here, houses, jobs, green card, taking care of every major issue etc) while he was sitting around giving orders and bitching about everything, cheated and threw tantrums when I couldn't offer him the jobs he wanted, like I had jobs in my pocket to give out just didn't want to give him a CEO position. Whatever job I found for him, he said I'm throwing him "bones", good Lord! Told him I simply can't give him the job he wanted and he told me: "not true, you can do ANYTHING, if you really want to" And he treated his son bad, I think he was afraid of me didn't dare to say or do anything to ME LOL but tried to hurt me indirectly by being verbally and psycologically abusive to our son. Tried to also be physically abusive towards him but I didn't let that happen. I told him "if you are big and strong and want to fight, let's go outside and fight with ME tiger, don't hit a child for no reason". Hit me, I'll hit you back in the balls and call 911 after Of course he never hit me. Didn't spend any time with him, ignored him etc. So that was it, the other "boyfriend" stuff, he was very,very good at. He wanted to just go out with me, hang out with me at lunch every day, go places, enjoy life, just no responsibility if at all possible.
Maleficent Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Reality: Most "nice guys" take you for granted in the long run. Way to ignore 90% of what I said in my post. Did you read the part where I AVOID players and date DORKY GUYS?? Reality: Men are ALLOWED to be more selfish than women. Did you know statistics show that 80% of marriages where BOTH partners work full time, the woman does over 70% of the housework/childcare? MIND BAFFLING Take a look around this site. Misogynists everywhere and people are much less mean to them. Have you read Mr. Soul's posts? Blatant misogynist....nobody calls him out on it. Me, I write valid points and IM blamed. *NONE OF THESE MEN I TALKED ABOUT TREATED ME BAD THE FIRST 3 MONTHS WE DATED.* Read Teresa's response...I DO WALK AWAY from men that treat me badly. Im not a victim. I do NOT ALLOW IT I know my new response to every male thread on this site: "you pick crappy women." Welp guys, I will be banned from this site soon because that wont go over too well... No offence here but I used to think exactly like and realized not too long I was a source of the problem. You know - common denominators and all that ****. Just sayin' Jeffrey Young's books on schemes were very helpful. 1
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) No offence here but I used to think exactly like and realized not too long I was a source of the problem. You know - common denominators and all that ****. Just sayin' Jeffrey Young's books on schemes were very helpful. Im not the problem. I get told Im the bomb all the time in real life. I have NEVER been called a man hater in real life. I give everyone a chance. The men in my life that love me tell me that MEN are the problem. They tell me Im not submissive and I dont tolerate bullcrap and most men wont date a woman like that....that says everything I need to know right there! They acknowledge the fact that men arent held to the same standards as women are, and this is coming from the mouths of men themselves! So who will I listen to, a bunch of misogynists and women enabling misogynists on an internet site, or men who KNOW me and how I interact in real life? Funny, when a guy posts his dating troubles on here, people tell him women are bitches or that no women exist that are what he wants. No one ever says that HIS woman picker is broken. Now, if I was willing to settle and be in a relationship where the guy is more selfish (like most women do) I wont be on this site. Clearly I dont have the same attitude as women and accept the misogyny that men feel entitled to in relationships. Over 80% of marriages where both couples work full time over 70% of the housework/childcare is done by the woman. That means only 20% of marriages with working parents have nonselfish men. I think I havent come across a guy who falls into the exception yet. Im only 25 I still got time. Maybe one day it will happen but it hasnt happened yet. The only guy Ive dated that had a chance of not doing this came out of the closet 4 months ago. Being 25 years old and having dated many men, mostly guys that tended to be dorky but Ive also dated bland, average looking, jocky, really hot, shy, outgoing, quirky, hipster, laidback, ambitious men...they all became selfish over time. Edited May 1, 2013 by pbjbear
Maleficent Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I don't think you understood what I meant. Jeffrey Young is a psychiatrist. He developed a list of schemes that start in early childhood that affect you later on in life. Taken to extremes, it's the girl who was beaten up by her alcoolic dad who keeps dating alcoolic men. Perhaps it's your 'I'm not the problem everyone else is' attitude that scares them off. Why don't you date one of the men in your life that love you then? 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 You know....it really irks me how women always wave the flag of "nurturer role" that's supposedly imposed by expectations of "society" and yet on the other hand states they are the more nurturing, caring, obsessed psycho-paths that men are not therefore are better people, because we are "selfish". If you can't tell yet, I'm going to make a strong male rebuttal towards your point of view. You can't get pissed off that "society" deems you the more caring, nurturing role and then complain at the same time because you are more nurturing and caring in your relationships than the man....how the F does that make any sense? you're getting angry over being labeled something that you actually do! and you're telling me it's society? You're telling me a gaggle of 13 year old psychopaths/girls oozing and just dying over the "love and affection" of some boy in some boyband or celebrity, all screaming their heads off crying like babbling fools because of how in loooove they are with so-and-so along with 50 billion other female psychopaths that somehow think they're going to be "special" is the fault of "society"? I'm sorry but this is just the beginning of how obsessive and supposedly "romantic" women are and create this whole warped fantasy in their minds and create their own "reality". Clearly there is something wrong with your sex! You're not being nurturing, caring and loving because of the man as a person, you're being nurturing, caring and "loving" because just like that teenage girl you have this aimless and unguided void you are trying to satiate and fulfill with some fictional and delusional character, this "boy" or "man" you hardly know anything about that you've decided has the "potential" or is "amazing" that you can see the whole rest of your lives transform before you eyes and men are the selfish, self-absorbed sex? HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't even have anything to do with us! We could be anyone in theory! Men don't even have to do a damn lick of anything, all he's got to do is tell you a slew of BS like some boyband singing some cheesy/douche lyrics that signify to you that he clearly is "in love" with you instead of after your vagina, and you'll be up on cloud nine if you're into the guy. And no, not just if you're a young girl, I see guys BSing like teenagers to women who are 40 years old or in their 30's on here as if nothing has changed, it's comical that it actually works in the first place. So bob forbid he actually treats you like a decent and respectable human being, oh bob, now he's really head over heels! Combine that with the chemical and emotional connection developed with sex (wow, what a criteria!) and now all of a sudden you feel entitled and expect this certain level of reciprocation and investment from a man because he is not as into you as him because he doesn't work the same way and actually has the capacity to think outside his Disneyland world that's supposed to last forever from here on it. Don't get me wrong, men fall in love and have emotions, but they're much less willing to throw out their heart and souls to a person they just met and hasn't built any trust and true connection...where as a woman is going to throw it out to every dick and tom that has "potential" or treats her with a shred of respect, he's surely a catch! So because as men, being the hunters...the ones who are expected to do all this work, to wine and dine you, be creative/romantic, tall, studly or nerdy, masculine, intellectual, charming, funny, have a "good enough" penis size, do things sporadically that "amaze" you and impress you, not go too fast, not go too slow, then ultimately be good in bed because you can lay there like a dead fish and still complain to your GF's "how bad he sucked in bed", be a good provider, fix your insecurities for you, pamper you with reassurance and constant support... Oh but because you have to essentially... Wear make-up sometimes, not get too fat and open your legs once in a while, while being somewhat caring and nurturing to the point of not smothering us and drowning us with your insatiable desire to drain our souls to complete your lives. Men are the selfish ones! At the end of the day....men want your vagina, for some of the time, most of the time when they meet you, and that's it. Give us a little support and nurturing here and there and that's it. We have the power to come and go, the freedom! Women want your entire life, your heart, you soul! Not for us, but for YOU! What we want, what we feel means nothing to you! you never ask, you're too afraid to, you'd rather just see where it goes until we are fully and completely into the "trap" and then once you got us, then the real beast of who you are comes out! now you've got the power!
AverageCat Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Didnt read all the replies, but pretty sure this is gonna turn into a male vs. female debate. I think most of the time women just NEED more emotional support from theirpartner. They need to be in contact, etc. Whereas men are more carefree by nature. I always tell my girl, if you need to contact me my phone is always on and I'd love to talk to you, but I simply don't have this need to call you up twice a day every day. Obviously relationships are made of compromises and the man should be willing to do things just for his woman's pleasure. But the woman should be the one expressing her needs first. If the man still doesnt respond and/or he doesnt care about her needs, THEN AND ONLY THEN he's taking her for granted and the relationship won't last. 1
Maleficent Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Oooooooh I am looking forward to reading Pjbear's answer to this!
BoneyHadger Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 ^Then go back to the first page, you can't miss it. Pretty insightful, gotta say.
Treasa Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Reiko, my darling, wonderful, male best friend of 16+ years? I love the hell out of you, and I'm so glad we're low-drama and sane. I just wanted to tell you that.
Reiko Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Reiko, my darling, wonderful, male best friend of 16+ years? I love the hell out of you, and I'm so glad we're low-drama and sane. I just wanted to tell you that. D'aww, I love you too! Though the sane part is questionable! So. Yeah, I'm not sure what else to add so I'm gonna leave it right there. 1
Treasa Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 D'aww, I love you too! Though the sane part is questionable! So. Yeah, I'm not sure what else to add so I'm gonna leave it right there. I'd also like you to know that I am not taking you for granted. Additionally, I am thanking you in advance for when I ask you to wash my sheets and make my bed tonight. And before anyone gives me crap, my arms are too short to make my bed without a lot of struggle involved, and possibly some mutilation (my bed is against a wall, and my room is very small). One of my nicknames has been T-Rex. 1
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