open marriage

[anna6]

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 5, and known each other for 17. We do not have any marrage issues. We barely argue, have very complemntary personalties, and are very much in love. We are very open,similar, honest and fun. Before we started dating I had many different "experences" with many different people, While my husband has had less than 10. He was/is not inexperenced by any means when we decided to take our friendship to the next level, just not as much variety as myself.

 

The following is just for a little background information...A couple years ago we partner swapped with another couple that we are friends with. More reciently we brought a good friend home with us for the night. All of us had a blast (perfect, equal sharing and no complaints.

 

So last week we had one of those conversation sessions that you start talking about one thing and then another and another and the subject of the friend we brought home came up along with the couple from a few years ago. During this conversation we tossed around the idea of an open releationship. We also tossed out many different senerios and talked about what we would do or handle the situation or if we were ok with it or not. There was not any pressure to go with the idea or not.We do not do too much without the other, I know this conversation was not because he is already seeing someone else or anything like I have read about on the internet. This just came out of us talking about the things we had done and how fun it was. So we agreeded to terms and as we think about other stuff we bring it up.

 

This arrangement that we have decided on also gets him some more experence on how different other women are. This was also brought up within our conversation, apparently I take much longer to get off and he had not realised that before,lol. But there were also other differences that he had noticed and not realised due to him not being as sexually active as I was in my younger years. This was something that I always knew, but I guess never really settled in/realised. ~Kind of makes me want to get him laid by other people (fully my idea no pressure from him at all) which makes him laugh and also thinks is awesome~

 

In a nutshell we agreeded that first and formost we still put each other first. Be honest with what happened with each other afterwards. If either one of us become unconfortable with anything, we stop. We be honest with the other person we may hook up with and have it known that it is just about sex and nothing else. We do not blow off each other to go home with someone else. Not make plans to hook up with someone. Instead, if an opportunity presents itself, then go with it, where as in the past we would have declined. Because most things like this start someplace else and then end up in the bedroom we even discussed how to deal with our friends. Who may see something and say something to the other or the other individual.

 

We have continued to bring up other things that we have thought of after the original conversation and talk about what we feel or think as it comes up. So far we still have yet to do anything with someone else without the other there. I asked him how he felt about the whole situation a few days later, he said that he really has not thought about it too much, where as I have felt like I have been thinking about it constantly. I don't know if that is part of me proccessing it more or if I am excited or anxious about the first time one of us end up having one of these experences. This is something that we keep saying that is not going to happen any time soon.

 

I guess I am a little nervious/anxious and was just looking for some general comments on the subject/situation. Please feel free to comment or ask for other information. As I did some... I guess you could say research... I found very general situations like "We have other partners that we see regulary" which would not apply to us as we would end up with different people in our 'random experence opportunties', or "my husband is out of town regulary so I see this piticular person" as me or him are not traveling for work or anything like that. I was looking for something closer to what I am going through or at least comments on our pitcular arrangement.

[2sure]

I'm very open minded. I've participated with a partner in lots of different scenarios. I've never been attracted to doing anything without my partner but know PLENTY who do or have.

 

I have yet to see the "open marriage" thing work out. I've seen it work for 10 years. They all end, usually sooner than later with one of them developing feelings and the other feeling betrayed.

 

Swinging was never my thing either, but again, I know plenty of couples who do...and if you're the right couple, this seems to work a lot better. Even if you don't want to full swap partners in that way, going to a meet up is something you might consider. You can meet people in a cocktail party atmosphere and you'd be surprised how many might be looking for something your comfortable with.

 

Random hook ups, solo, is going to end up like dating , when a casual friendship is I think, what you want.

 

I can completely separate love and sex. Good or bad. But most people can't even if they think they can. My larger point here is that....if you get used to separating the two, it may take you someplace you don't necessarily like.

[Silveron]

You two sound like you have an amazing relationship, why would you want to chance it or give another woman the opportunity to have what you have?

 

I can understand swinging but open marriages is just way too risky for the little reward you get out of it.

[anna6]

2sure: Thank you for you input. Casual friendships is more of what we were looking for. Just not stay with the same person all of the time as we are not trying to have feeling be affected ie. them or one of us getting too attached. The ransoms would most likely be on his end to get that "difference in women" thing. Most of our friends are guys and out of the few women we hang out with 2 we already do stuff with. I apprechate your comments. Thank you.

Edited May 1, 2013 by anna6

[CarrieT]

Anna, I am one of the people around here who dabbled in having an open marriage - and having it fail...

 

My husband and I were exactly like you are describing your relationship to be. We told each other everything and were very respectful of where we were, who we were, who we were sharing, etc.

 

What began to occur was two-fold... Sharing our bodies and sexuality with other people made us realize how easy it was to expand our psyche and awareness with other sentient beings, making our own union less special.

 

In my case - yes - I began to crave the particular touch of a guy I was playing with (and my husband knew and approved of and would occasionally share). We had twosomes, threesomes, and more-somes. We had MMF and FFM and would go off with others on our own - all the while telling each other everything, thinking it would help our own relationship grow and believing our bond would strengthen.

 

Then one day I came home early from work and found my husband having sex with another man. This was not something I was aware was happening as he was experimenting with his homosexual side without telling me - or using protection.

 

I have a lot of friends in alternative relationship situations and the ONLY one I have seen work has been two couples who live together as a foursome. They have been together for almost twenty years and the only reason it works is because all four genuinely love each other equally - but they no longer play with others outside their "marriage."

 

Honestly, I would not recommend it for anyone. It is far too easy to bond with others during the process.

[twosadthings]

What came through to me was not nervousness or your anxiety but actually your eagerness. I also think you have justified your plans by sugar-coating it by your husband having more experience(s) making your result look so altruistic.

 

Your marital history already includes others so I'm not sure what is driving your need for advice/suggestions.

 

Twosadthings

[dichotomy]

I have no experience with any of this - no expertise.

 

But only make a personal observation (not judgement) from my little closed world. The central theme here is your husband's sexual knowledge ?I don't understand how having 10 different previous females is not enough for a man to understand the sexual aspects and difference among women ....plus add in the recent couple swap, and then threesome. He still needs to know more? - well ok. Like a phd I guess?

 

I just don't understand. How many does licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

 

In other words Is this a journey to learn something and once a certain goal (# of women, enough experiences) it ends with a certain enlightenment and he returns to exclusive with you? or is this a commitment to a lifestyle change?

 

There is one gal here - who has an open marriage because her perfect spouse is essentially celibate and he is ok with her getting her sexual needs elsewhere - makes kind of sense if it is sex only, as it does not compete with what they have but I think she indicated emotions are an issue with one of her partners.

 

Fascinating stuff - I really am learning so much here on LS

Edited May 2, 2013 by dichotomy

[HonestNeurotic]

 

There is one gal here - who has an open marriage because her perfect spouse is essentially celibate and he is ok with her getting her sexual needs elsewhere - makes kind of sense if it is sex only, as it does not compete with what they have but I think she indicated emotions are an issue with one of her partners.

 

 

Perchance that is me you are talking about. I have an open marriage. We also do not have any children (mine from my first marriage are all grown) and are very independent of each other in many ways. And we're both emotionally distant people. I also just think more like a guy in a lot of ways. So my friends tell me.

 

I pipe in because it's that EMOTIONAL thing that I struggle with right now. Never had that issue. Never been crazy silliness "in love". And now I am. Or I think that I am. I dunno. Cuz it's not like anything I've really dealt with. Now, I don't want to leave my husband or anything like that. I can just see that my MM is maybe too attached to me. I at times go a little out of my way to be irritable or show him that I am not all these things he seems to think that I am by allowing him to see my character defects. I feel that he has put me on this really high pedestal that's unrealistic. It causes conflict for me. Because I absolutely get caught up in the rush of being with him, yet he really wants to talk about a future someday together. Which I will not be able to give to him. It's more like we're dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, rather than FWB. He wants to buy me a ring?

 

I don't have a social life where I would likely meet anyone, and while I am not a prude or anything, I can't deal with having ONS. My previous marriage (17 years) the last few years we had some swinging going on. We had a fantastic sex life, but I guess just too much that we turned to that. That was not the cause of our divorce - though it wasn't really what I wanted either. The sex was great but I married too young and had nothing in common with my first husband. I was single for 3-4 years with one long term relationship before I met my current husband. I dated A LOT. Much more experience than my husband when it comes to sex, and he knows all of it. It doesn't phase him at all, and had he not been such a good man in so many other aspects of life that are important to me, I would never have even bothered getting married again.

 

Swinging is one thing. Cuz you participate in it TOGETHER. Whereas dating people - well - that's adding layers of complexity in my life that I think is going to lead to problems.

 

The kinda funny thing is - lately my HUSBAND has been more attentive to me physically. Not sex. But more touching and stuff.

 

That said - yes, I have an open marriage. My husband knows that I am seeing somebody. Somewhen. Because I am most discreet, I can't bring this relationship that I have with this other man into OUR lives. I can't/won't date or even consider a relationship with people that are our friends. I have a different group of friends, I didn't grow up here like my husband did and hence, it's not really that difficult. So there is still this kinda "secretive" element to it. Don't ask don't tell kinda feel to it. Plus, I've never had this emotional connection to a sex partner EVER before. Seriously, EVER. I would be happy if things would just stay as they are, which probably isn't going to happen, because I think MM is going to want more of me. I was most clear about this being sex only, and now I am contemplating a mess.

 

I share this because I wasn't really cognizant of men falling in love. For real. Surely men love. Fall in love. But I've found the majority to be able to separate sex and love fairly easily. Hence, I didn't think that having been clear about my intentions and expectations up front with this man that I would have this issue. It's an intoxicating feeling. Yet it's not really a good thing for me I don't think........

[dichotomy]

Perchance that is me you are talking about. I have an open marriage. /QUOTE]

 

Yes that's you I was referring to . I hope I was not disrespectful. My point being is that your arrangement seemed an ideal concept for an open marriage, yet emotions are sneaking it and complicating it.

[darkmoon]

look, don't hand your husband to somebody on a plate, unless you turn out to be his favorite screw, well, i'll just say this -

 

you could end up having to change how you screw to keep up with his new discoveries of his likes and dislikes in sex, discoveries he made elsewhere, if you're ok with this and i suppose if he agrees, carry on

Edited May 2, 2013 by darkmoon

[Eggplant]

Any sane man with a reasonable level of self esteem who actually loves and cares about his wife is NOT going to want her having sex with other men.

 

I agree with SaladDays. If your man would share you, you aren't special to him. I would never be with a man who would share me.

[Whatitistoburn]

I agree with the previous posters. Pls consider what you want seriously. It could be just the idea of something new like an open marriage that excites you just like everything else thats new to a person. It could really be exciting thinking about it at first but once youve dived into it, then, you realize its not what you wanted after all. Be careful because this is not just an easy everyday matter that wont have serious consequences on your relationship so basically my point is THiNK about it seriously before committing into doing it for real. Having your marriage destroyed by a fleeting feeling of excitement and newness is not worth it.

 

Like a previous poster, i have noticed that you might be a little too enthusiastic or eager about it, maybe more enthusiastic compared to your husband. Please have another serious and honest talk with him about it because for all you know, he probably did not really like the idea of sharing his wife with someone else but he was just going along with it because he thought it is what you want. Just my opinion. Hope this works out for you.

[DayJ]

I agree with SaladDays. If your man would share you, you aren't special to him. I would never be with a man who would share me.

 

My husband would never be okay with sharing me with someone else or vice versa. I am sorry i dont believe in open marriage that is just a disaster waiting to happen. In that case, is better to just be single and swing away, experiment away all you want and if it doesn't work out o well but in a committed marriage my husband nor I would never allow that, i still would not experiment with different partners even if i wasnt married though i would be scared to catch something from someone and that to me is not worth it, i rather stay clean thank you than catch something from someone. I dont have much knowlege on the whole open marriage or swingers thing but i did read one time this is where the highest risk for all sorts of STD's and others is easiest to get and that to me is really not worth it specially in a happy great going marriage no thanks. That is just me though.

[soccerrprp]

A disgraceful illusion for non-commitment and promiscuity...imho.

[BlenderWizard]

WOW, Anna, you so just described what is going on between my wife and myself right now. I have an old friend who is a married bisexual woman, and she expressed interest and granted me "freedom" (if you want to call it that). She and I have been married for 9 years and together for 11. We were both pretty young and both of us were pretty inexperienced.

 

A couple of years ago, we swapped with another couple twice, and, as you said, one of our rules was if at any time, if any of us wants out for any reason, we stop. After the second time, the other guy wanted out. No crossing of swords, in case any of you were wondering. Anyway, we both really enjoyed it, and our relationship with each other improved a great deal

 

Fast forward two years, and I hooked her up with a bisexual female friend of mine. My wife wasn't sure, she said, until their first kiss, and it REALLY turned her on. They both care a lot for each other. My wife and the other woman both want to get me involved, but the other husband is ok with her having other women, but not other guys.

 

So, anyway, I can relate to your situation, and it sounds like you did kinda what we did a couple years back - test the waters. I'm all for her relationship with the other woman. Now, I just have to figure out what to do with me.