Bigcitydreamer Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and it's been a turbulent time to say the least. I think I may have finally figured out where all of the fighting has been coming from. Is it possible to be too opposite and want different things that it can ruin a relationship? For example one person prefers the city, the other the country or one believes in clearly defined house hold roles, and the other prefers taking equal responsibility for household duties. The more I think about it, the more it seems like we differ on a lot of "lifestyle topics", but I love him in every other way. Attracted to him, like the way he treats me when we aren't arguing over the differences, and enjoy conversation with him. Can a relationship really fail when these differences exist? At the moment me and my bf are arguing over where to live. I feel he wont take me into consideration on this topic because I won't be paying for the house, and it won't technically be mine (I can't afford it, I'm a student for the most of the time). We are an hour apart from eachother in terms of where we would choose to live. He wants to live extremely close to his parents in a super tiny spot an hour away from the already small town that I would live in. I can understand he has money and wants to build his dream house. It's something he's wanted his whole life.. So I don't want to deprive him of that. But I find it hard to believe id be happy there and he would not be happy anywhere else.. We're like this on many topics and issues of this size! This is the issue at the forefront now. Is there any hope for us?
SuperGeek Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) I don't think it will work. Why even take the chance? Too risky that it will end up in divorce most likely. Perhaps write down how you see your life in 5-10 years and have him do the same exercise. Do this exercise in private and then compare notes and see how things line up. At the end of the day all we can do is go with our gut on whether we think things will work out or not. My ex left me after feeling we wern't compatible. I went through hell for 2 years getting over her, but I realize now that she wasn't right for me. At this point, I am not sure what woman would be right for me. People like to wear masks a lot starting out and so it takes a deep investment to really figure out who people are in a serious relationship. I'm nearly in my mid 30s at this point and most of my coworkers are getting divorced or are divorced already. My advice (and it's not really worth much) is to make sure you are sure about who you are with. If you got doubts, then just bail. It's what my ex did with me and is what I do now when dating. I simply just end it if there are missing core beliefs, core values, core expectations, etc. People simply don't change that much and I can't afford another divorce. It is far cheaper to date someone else and hope there is better compatibility then to go through a very expensive divorce, lawyers, and even worse such as a child custody mess. I dated a girl a year ago who spent 100k in lawyers just fighting her EX for custody of her son... no thanks!!! 100k can be used for a lot of new dates with a lot of new women. If you aren't happy, then just dump his ass and find a new guy. It would probably take you 5 minutes to find a new guy in our new digital age with tons of dating sites, facebook, meetups, etc. If you haven't had kids with him yet, then you would be doing him a favour and he likely won't realize it until he's over the pain. SuperGeek Edited May 1, 2013 by SuperGeek
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 You can but someone will have to compromise. If you cannot compromise, then no. Sometimes even compromising ends up with one feeling resentment.
shiver23 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Hey, I recently went through a tough break up over this topic. He ended it, but it was a mutual decision. We were together for almost a year, and never fought about anything (except when I would bring up the future he'd say "no promises" and push off the topic). Your relationship really isn't a good situation by the sounds of things. It may be wonderful in the romantic sense, you guys are compatible, but overall it's going to be short-lived. Unless one of you (usually it ends up being the woman) is willing to really sacrifice and be completely okay with the situation, it's best to end it. My ex and I really had a hard time breaking up. He was strong though, and even though I broke NC a few days ago, I probably won't get a response. Why? Because as much as we love each other and enjoy the other's company, share the same values, we have different wants and needs. He's very career based, and my world is based around the people in it. We have differing sex drives and expectations, and we made things work through compromise for a while, but it would've been really tough if things had continued. My advice, is honestly, to end it. I know you hate to hear that. I bawled even thinking about breaking it off (we had warning signs two months before we actually ended it) and I definitely was emotional during it all. You know what though? I feel so much better now. I know I won't be miserable with a man I loved, and I'll never hate him. He's a very important milestone in my life, despite the fact that it was short-lived. Good luck, and really think about YOUR happiness, outside of life with him. Being miserable isn't worth it. Your dreams and goals are first. That's why it's a partnership. It's about finding someone who is travelling the same road as you, and in the same direction. Hitting those crossroads together, and making the choice that benefits both parties, or parting ways. I still believe in love, just not in the same way I did at 14.
2sunny Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 It's likely it won't work. One will always resent the other for a decision they didn't ultimately want. When mismatched on ideals/goals - it's best to find a better match. 1
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone. And no it's not what I wanted to hear but it's what I suspected to be true. Unless I'm willing to compromise over many things I can see this relationship failing. It sucks because love really isn't enough! You always hear that but don't believe it until you are in the situation. My bf is willing to marry me, but it's because I keep compromising. He doesn't understand my level of resentment. I don't want this to end in a divorce which would be much harder. For now I will go with the flow but if he doesn't compromise on things from here on out I will let him go.
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