Breakup yesterday, need some guidance

[breezy11]

Hey guys I'm looking for some advice.

 

My gf of just over a year broke things off with me yesterday. We had a little incident about a month ago, and even though she said she's gotten over that, she said that ever since then she hasn't felt as romantically about me, regardless of how hard she's tried, and didn't wanna keep faking it to the point where she hated me.

She said all the typical stuff: I really wanna stay friends with you, you never know things could be different down the road, I hope you don't hate me, I hope you still keep in touch with me.

 

I admittedly was pretty taken back, and while I didn't plead or cry, I asked her calmly if there was anything that could be done to resolve the issue. She said she didn't think so. At that point I said alright, well I guess that's that. And said goodbye to her.

 

Obviously my plan is to go NC at this point, but my BIG decision that I'm wondering is: do I send her kind of like a closure sort of text where I thank her for being honest with me about her (lack of) feelings, and agreeing that after thinking about it overnight, it really is the most fair and best thing for both us rather than leading me on, and letting her know that I don't hate her?

 

I'm wondering if sending this will make me seem like the bigger person, before initiating no contact so she doesn't think I'm not talking to her out of being butthurt (although I had mentioned to her during our relationship that if we break up, there's no real reason to stay friends).

 

Thoughts?

Any advice is much appreciated

[aisuru]

My advice is don't do anything right now while your emotions are high. Take some time and think about how you're processing things and look deep inside of you on whether this is for the best long term, not just short term.

 

Your breakup sounds similar to mine. Sometimes, time is all you really need. I know my breakup is for the best right now, even if I don't like it.

 

Take some time to process. Write, write, write. But hold off on writing her just yet.

[breezy11]

Good point, thanks for the opinion.

 

My reasoning was basically that since the breakup just happened, it seems like the best time to get this message through, show her that I agree with the break-up, and then move on and go NC, and continue healing and whatever happens, happens.

 

Plus I feel like it would convey the idea that I'm okay with it, whereas me intentionally going no contact right after she broke up with me makes it seem like I'm doing it out of spite.

 

But perhaps you are right.

[aisuru]

I firmly believe that during the time right after the breakup, the dumper is closed off to any communication. They shut it out to heal themselves and move on after their decision.

 

As the dumpee, you think that's the time to write, cajole, convince, manipulate... but it's not.

 

Time.... It takes time...

 

I truly believe that's why No Contact is good in the first 6 months to a year after a breakup. It allows the emotions to settle down. I don't believe in No Contact forever. Just in the beginning when emotions are high, desperation kicks in, and rejection hurts.

 

And I think that's why you see for some couples that No Contact works for reconciliation. Meh, I think it's just that once the emotions settle down, if the relationship is a good one, it rekindles. There is NOTHING you can do to control reconciliation right now.

[breezy11]

I firmly believe that during the time right after the breakup, the dumper is closed off to any communication. They shut it out to heal themselves and move on after their decision.

 

As the dumpee, you think that's the time to write, cajole, convince, manipulate... but it's not.

 

Time.... It takes time...

 

I truly believe that's why No Contact is good in the first 6 months to a year after a breakup. It allows the emotions to settle down. I don't believe in No Contact forever. Just in the beginning when emotions are high, desperation kicks in, and rejection hurts.

 

And I think that's why you see for some couples that No Contact works for reconciliation. Meh, I think it's just that once the emotions settle down, if the relationship is a good one, it rekindles. There is NOTHING you can do to control reconciliation right now.

 

I agree with what you're saying. But I just want to make sure: you don't think I would be causing further harm by NOT saying anything and going no contact, then? Cuz if so that's the route I'll take and start implementing NC right now. I just think she thinks I'm really mad and angry at her right now and that I hate her, and I wanted to give off a different impression before I go no contact, which I wasn't able to do in the breakup talk.

[Larry56]

I'm in a very similar situation.

 

go NC for one month, get some new threads (clothes), start going to the clubs or bars with your bros. Show her you're cool with everything and don't make it look like you're needy or desperate for her. I did "most" of these things but my ex now has a new BF (straightoutta our relationship). I'm going out a lot more to allow myself time and freedom to have exciting new relationships with people even if nothing happens.

[TearyEyedPride]

Welcome to the world of past, present, and future broken hearts, but luckily it sounds like you might know how to care of yours. Just in case though we're all here for you.

 

I agree with what's been said so far. Give it some real time before you send that closure message if you still feel compelled to do so after a week or so. I feel like NC is the best way to heal, but I can see how in this instsance described, a cordial, understanding and accepting goodbye could be acceptable. Only as long as you believe that you can't be friends, and understand that it's really over. If you're still holding on to any kind of hope that you might reconcile or get back together i'd discourage contact.

[Larry56]

If you want to contact her before you go NC I would say

 

"I understand the reason for the breakup and I agree" try to sound neutral and not bitter when you do this (even if it's over text) and just wish her well. Then totally cut contact with her.

 

Also if you do want to delete her number and put all her personal items in a box in the attic... DO NOT delete her off facebook to "heal" it makes you look like you can't handle seeing her and it will just make you look like you're needy in her mind.

[xpaperxcutx]

Good point, thanks for the opinion.

My reasoning was basically that since the breakup just happened, it seems like the best time to get this message through, show her that I agree with the break-up, and then move on and go NC, and continue healing and whatever happens, happens.

 

Plus I feel like it would convey the idea that I'm okay with it, whereas me intentionally going no contact right after she broke up with me makes it seem like I'm doing it out of spite.

 

But perhaps you are right.

 

 

She broke up with you face-to- face that's about as much talk as you need to let her know you're moving on. There's no need to continually write or text or whatever it is to keep that link between the two of you.

 

And it's not spite. It just makes you the better person by letting her know that you can move on without her.

[breezy11]

Yeah, I wouldn't delete her off Facebook. I just deleted the profile picture I had of us and posted one of me and my friends instead.

 

But really, I'm just sending this to let her know that I'm not bitter or anything about what's happened, but rather understand it. And that way if I go no contact, it's more about me just moving on. Whereas if I go no contact after our last convo, and knowing that she thinks I'm gonna not talk to her out of hate especially after how I voiced things at the end of the conversation, then she would think I'm angry and upset and all that, and make me look less in her eyes.

 

But perhaps you guys are right, and me messaging her would in fact have the opposite effect before disappearing.

[aisuru]

I agree with what you're saying. But I just want to make sure: you don't think I would be causing further harm by NOT saying anything and going no contact, then? Cuz if so that's the route I'll take and start implementing NC right now. I just think she thinks I'm really mad and angry at her right now and that I hate her, and I wanted to give off a different impression before I go no contact, which I wasn't able to do in the breakup talk.

 

Why do you think she thinks you hate her, that you're mad or angry at her? Are you really trying to show her you understand? Or trying to show you're calm, therefore tricking her into speaking with you again?

 

This:

 

I admittedly was pretty taken back, and while I didn't plead or cry, I asked her calmly if there was anything that could be done to resolve the issue. She said she didn't think so. At that point I said alright, well I guess that's that. And said goodbye to her. I admittedly was pretty taken back, and while I didn't plead or cry, I asked her calmly if there was anything that could be done to resolve the issue. She said she didn't think so. At that point I said alright, well I guess that's that. And said goodbye to her.

 

tells me you already conveyed that you agreed with the break up. In theory.

 

I personally think this is an acceptable and peaceful ending. And more ideal than another communication at this point. Though I truly understand the urge to make one more point. I do.

 

So, write something. And sit on it for a week. Then read it again. Keep it simple. Keep it short. If you feel you must absolutely send something, send it in no less than a week from your last contact. And no more than 3 weeks from your last contact.

 

IF.... you must absolutely send something. Just remember, she's likely less inclined to really truly hear you right now.

[breezy11]

Thanks again for the advice.

 

I guess my reasoning is I'd like things to end on amicable/non-bitter terms. Not necessarily because I see any hint of a reconciliation in the future, but because if we WERE to have a shot at working things out in the future (not banking on it, I know extremely unlikely) or just being friends down the road (not saying I would want this either down the road), then me bowing out in friendly terms and then disappearing to work on my own life would only help.

[breezy11]

Hey guys, a few more days have passed and lots of new info (including old info that I should have included in my old post).

I've been real resilient and strong through this whole situation and I know she can see it too.

The thing is, she has been texting me non-stop everyday the last few days. My replies have been very happy and cheerful, while still on the distant side and whatnot. I haven't initiated contact with her once, it's always been her.

She kept asking if we could hang out and go to the park for a walk, so I agreed with "sure I'm free for a bit in a couple of days" so we're gonna go for a casual walk then.

Part of the reason I agreed to it, is I want her to see that I'm ok through all of this. But I NEED advice on my approach and if you guys think this would leave the best impression.

I need to know if telling her the following is the most appropriate thing, as I honestly don't wanna treat this like playing mind games to try to win someone back, but I don't wanna close the door to the possibility of it happening if it were to naturally happen as per the "if it's meant to be it will be" while I move on with my life, while leaving the best final impression.

 

At the moment she clearly wants to not lose contact with me and have me in her life. The thing is that she is going through a lot of crazy family drama at home (and has been before I entered her life), and another big thing that is messing with her head right now is that she is getting a biopsy done in a few days to see about a breast lump. Which can be very mentally traumatic. So I can see why she'd keep in touch so much, and of course a lot of times dumpers do that as to them going to a friendship straight away seems no problem.

 

Basically, I wanna tell her that "look, I'm ok with your decision to break-up with me, because if your feelings aren't there as you say, then it's not gonna work as it takes 2 to tango. I'll be fine with that" and that I'm not gonna force or argue with her to take me back, because my commitment to the relationship in the past should be ample enough to show that I wanna make this work. But then I wanna tell her "look I understand that you want to be friends with me, but obviously you know that I want more than that right now, so for a friendship to work we'd have to both be on the same plane. And for that to happen takes some real time and distance. Otherwise it's gonna lead to unnecessary drama. And it's not fair to me to sit in a situation where I still have feelings for you. So unless you can tell me that you actually wanna make it work to get back our relationship, because obviously that's where my interest level is right now, then I hope you see that it's gonna take some space/time before we can be just friends. I'm not doing this because I'm mad/angry/bitter at you, or because I want to punish you, but it's the best and fairest thing to me to get over my feelings".

 

Basically, I'm looking to see if you guys agree with me telling her this, because I want to leave it as the best scenario, and actually just move on with my life if it's the case. But at the same time I don't wanna close the door to the possibility of reconciliation later (but also I'm not gonna sit here and wait on it to happen, as it very well never might, I know that from experience). At first I thought me telling her this would make me look "weak", but when it's honestly the complete and honest truth, and any real relationship is based on honesty and communication, I feel like directly communicating this to her, rather than just going NC to seem mysterious or to **** with her head, really seems like the best approach.

 

Sorry that ended up being an essay and a half, would seriously appreciate some opinions on what I'm about to do.

[breezy11]

any advice?

[breezy11]

hate to bump, but some advice on what I'm about to do tomorrow would be really useful. thank you guys.

[xpaperxcutx]

Don't say anything. Take the day out as just two friends hanging out and leave it at that.

 

The reason I'm saying this is because she knows for a clear fact that you still want to be with her. She was the dumper and the one who ended it, and right now, she's only contacting you because you're her emotional and mental support due to your history together.

 

You shouldn't say anything at all, just hear what she has to say. Because I know for a fact if you voice your opinions or give her an ultimatum, she will not say she wants to be back together.

 

Unfortunately, you're going to show her that you're not always going to be there for her instead of telling her.

[breezy11]

Ok. I see what you're saying. But then what happens, so we have a good normal hang out session, she gets a last glimpse of who I am. But adterwards, I'm pretty sure that she'll keep calling and texting me. What do I do at that point? Ignore it all?

 

And also, what do I say then if she's the one who brings up relationship stuff?

[aisuru]

If you absolutely have to still maintain some sort of contact, don't respond to every single text. Respond to every 5 or 10. You need to send a message that you are not at her beck and call.

 

Trust me on this.

 

Responding to her messages on her timeline shows her you are essentially her puppet for when she needs you and trust me, it's not endearing you to her in the way you think it is. Frankly, she shouldn't be coming to you for any emotional support right now and you shouldn't be providing it. That's what her friends are for. You are neither her boyfriend, nor her friend right now. You're in limbo land right now my friend.

 

Brand new ex boyfriends/girlfriends are not available for emotional support. Period.

 

Go, enjoy the walk, talk about anything but the relationship. And YOU be the one to wrap it up within a certain time frame. You show that you have a life without her. In fact, when you meet up, say something along the lines of, I have until x:xx time as I'm have plans later. Ideally, you actually do have other plans.

 

Since it seems you'd really like to reconcile, you really need to demonstrate you can live your life without her and that you're calling the shots.

[breezy11]

Okay.

I will do that.

It's just...I dunno. To me it makes more sense to be honest about waning to move on and not do the friendship thing, as opposed to just intentionally ignoring her. I feel like that sort of psychological manipulation seems more immature and demonstrates less strength, but you guys have more experience with this sort of thing, so if you can tell me would confidence that this is the best way to go then that's what I'll do

Edited May 6, 2013 by breezy11

[aisuru]

I understand. This is where you need to decide what you want and what your purpose is in contacting her.

 

You also might want to read up on some of the behaviors that have a greater impact on reigniting a flame. I promise it's not break up, get back together, break up, get back together.

 

I believe you have a better chance at reconciling by accepting this relationship is over. Take care of yourself and move forward. If you have contact, you keep it casual and fun, just as you would any new relationship.

 

The talk of reconciliation can come later. Perhaps she is just as much on the fence, but right now talk of what went wrong, get together or not, etc. is stressful and puts up a block.

 

That's why manufacturing some distance will benefit you both. Right now it's too easy to slide back into bad habits, ya know?

 

For what it's worth, I've had three out of my five exes come back, even if they were the dumper, anywhere from a couple weeks to several months after our break ups. Only one I gave another shot with, but I ended up moving out of state for grad school so we ended up splitting anyway. I really believe it's because I don't lose my mind during the breakup. Well, I do a little but I hide it well...

Edited May 6, 2013 by aisuru

[breezy11]

The other thing that really complicates things is her biopsy situation. I mean obviously I care for her a lot and wanna be there for her as she deals with this and figures out what's going on with it, which will come into light in the next few days. But is it really better for me to distance myself from this whole situation and go no contact?

[xpaperxcutx]

The other thing that really complicates things is her biopsy situation. I mean obviously I care for her a lot and wanna be there for her as she deals with this and figures out what's going on with it, which will come into light in the next few days. But is it really better for me to distance myself from this whole situation and go no contact?

 

You can care for her without being there for her. It's one thing to be there for her but its another when you're there for her only at her whims.

Remember, she is the dumper. She cannot dump you and still have you. And no point in trying to rehash something she's made absolutely clear about, if she talks about the relationship, let her be the one to bring it up. But for you, the important thing is how you handle your emotions so you don't come off as weak. When we tell you to go NC, its to protect your emotions, not as a tactic to get her back. You don't need to win her back. Usually, dumpers come back on their own.

 

The best thing you can show right now is be a concerned friend. Tell her you hope the best for her biopsy, but say nothing more. Chances are, she will most likely still contact you regardless. But I ask you to show restraint in your manner of replies to her. As another poster above me has said, don't be at her beck and call. Reply intermittently. This is what I mean by showing her you're moving on instead of just saying them. Actions always speak louder and your ability to stay away from her is a good way to somewhat make her regret for having dumped you in the first place.

Edited May 6, 2013 by xpaperxcutx