Simon Phoenix Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 You don't have to do NC you know. It is advocated on this site but you don't have to do it. This site would have a lot less traffic if everyone who should do NC actually did it. It's people with your mentality that keep the site busy. So the bean counters agree with you
Amelie1980 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 This site would have a lot less traffic if everyone who should do NC actually did it. It's people with your mentality that keep the site busy. So the bean counters agree with you I have done NC since Jan. but if people don't want to do it they don't have to. it isn't illegal to contact an ex
Simon Phoenix Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I have done NC since Jan. but if people don't want to do it they don't have to. it isn't illegal to contact an ex Well, my joke flew over your head completely. 1
Author Hopeful714 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Ok, so I read through all this and now I got a bit more to say First, I've been around the block a few times to know that when something is over IT'S OVER. In my younger years, if I broke up with a dude I never called them back...vice versa. Sure I sulked for a bit but life went on. I think I'm having difficulty with this so bad because I WASN"T done, and because of the snarkyness (new word) of this whole thing...that actually I think has continued because of this guy's poor taste in the continued contact. It's like dude...you wanted to be with other girls. Not only did I give you what you wanted, but I walked away and didn't harass you, your property etc. like some crazy as* bitc* would certainly have done after something like this. Its obviously over...yet he kept contacting? How much you all wanna bet I get another one over summer? If I do, and decide to reply at all this time....my reply may not be so generic and cordial this time. And now, what's with all these NC rule changes? It seems like its ok now if you are indifferent to the ex that you can contact and that's ok? I beg to disagree here. What if the other person isn't over it? Then they have to endure the stab that obviously ensues from the person who is? I don't think that's cool at all. So now its ok for the "healed" to throw meaningless breadcrumbs that make no sense? NO. Think about it ...who does that? In normal land, friends text you/call....you know what they mean/want and you answer them and have normal communication. Seriously, in my whole life I don't think Ive ever texted anyone or an ex, a random "thought". No, I would never break "MY" NC. And some may say....well block your phone. Sure. But ya know...I'm not a teenager here, and no one is harrassing me so I shouldn't have to. Besides, I want this to play out as it should naturally as I find my way somehow and come to terms. If I did it any other way it would be like turning off a great movie before it ended. Some could say Im hurting myself here....but I just look at it as real dealings with life. But still....this whole NC stuff? I still just don't know. If its not used by both parties for healing and moving on purposes it ain't gonna work in the long run. Somewhere, somehow, people really should just try to communicate. I don't mean to sound or trash anyone's replies because I SOOOOOO much appreciate all that is offered. It's JMO.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Ok, so I read through all this and now I got a bit more to say First, I've been around the block a few times to know that when something is over IT'S OVER. In my younger years, if I broke up with a dude I never called them back...vice versa. Sure I sulked for a bit but life went on. I think I'm having difficulty with this so bad because I WASN"T done, and because of the snarkyness (new word) of this whole thing...that actually I think has continued because of this guy's poor taste in the continued contact. It's like dude...you wanted to be with other girls. Not only did I give you what you wanted, but I walked away and didn't harass you, your property etc. like some crazy as* bitc* would certainly have done after something like this. Its obviously over...yet he kept contacting? How much you all wanna bet I get another one over summer? If I do, and decide to reply at all this time....my reply may not be so generic and cordial this time. And now, what's with all these NC rule changes? It seems like its ok now if you are indifferent to the ex that you can contact and that's ok? I beg to disagree here. What if the other person isn't over it? Then they have to endure the stab that obviously ensues from the person who is? I don't think that's cool at all. So now its ok for the "healed" to throw meaningless breadcrumbs that make no sense? NO. Think about it ...who does that? In normal land, friends text you/call....you know what they mean/want and you answer them and have normal communication. Seriously, in my whole life I don't think Ive ever texted anyone or an ex, a random "thought". No, I would never break "MY" NC. And some may say....well block your phone. Sure. But ya know...I'm not a teenager here, and no one is harrassing me so I shouldn't have to. Besides, I want this to play out as it should naturally as I find my way somehow and come to terms. If I did it any other way it would be like turning off a great movie before it ended. Some could say Im hurting myself here....but I just look at it as real dealings with life. But still....this whole NC stuff? I still just don't know. If its not used by both parties for healing and moving on purposes it ain't gonna work in the long run. Somewhere, somehow, people really should just try to communicate. I don't mean to sound or trash anyone's replies because I SOOOOOO much appreciate all that is offered. It's JMO. First of all, the dumper and the dumpee don't play by the same rules. The dumper is not on sites like this and not reading about NC and generally have no concept of the effects that contact has on the dumpee. It's not out of malice, it's out of lack of knowledge. I guarantee you that your ex has never heard of this site and doesn't google breakup articles. I don't think your ex is contacting you to mess with you. I don't think he's thinking much at all. He probably did it on a whim and didn't think about it after that. And how is your situation a great movie? No offense, but if your breakup was a movie it would go straight to video. As would mine, as would most on here. The last thing you should reference in matters of the heart are movies. If there's one thing that makes dumpees even more miserable, it's the delusions that romantic comedies make that say "if you fight and you really want them, they'll come back to you." Movies are meant to entertain, they aren't meant to have any relevance in real life. If you want a real life depiction of a breakup in a movie, watch "500 Days of Summer". But yeah, you need to get off this thing that your ex is supposed to help you in your NC. NC is for you and for only you and has absolutely nothing to do with him at all. I think the reason you can't get over this hump is because you are still seeing this as a joint thing. It's not. This is about you and for you and about you. He is irrelevant. It's not his job to play a role in your "movie", it's your job to do what's best for you to move on without considering him at all. You are still stuck, at least in a tiny way, on what he's doing and what he's thinking. That's not an effective way to spend your time and not an effective way to spend NC. NC is for you. He doesn't matter. But yeah, he's not going to act in the way you want. Because he's his own person. Just because you never called a guy back when you were done with him doesn't mean that's what everyone does. You can't control what they do. You can only control what you do and how you react. But if you keep worrying about what they are doing and why they are doing it, you are just going to just stay in the same state of emotional limbo. 3
TaraMaiden Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) ..... And now, what's with all these NC rule changes? I wouldn't call them 'changes'....I'd call them, say.....improved modifications..... they didn't stick to Apollo 1, see....? It seems like its ok now if you are indifferent to the ex that you can contact and that's ok? I beg to disagree here. What if the other person isn't over it? By the 'other person', do you mean the dumper? No Contact is a Guide implemented purely and simply from the Dumpee's perspective. If the dumper isn't 'over it' - that's their problem. They were the one to end it, and walk away. If they have issues, they really need to resolve those issues personally. If they change their minds, they should say so. If they change their minds, they should say so, promise to go through whatever moves are necessary to repair and retract their previous decision, and SHOW they are making that concerted effort. And it's the Dumpee's privilege to either reject that idea, or to accept it, eyes wide open and with the necessary caution. But if they're not over it? Tough. The Dumpee's got their own problems to deal with. Then they have to endure the stab that obviously ensues from the person who is? I don't think that's cool at all. You may not think it's cool, but in order to recover, sometimes a bit of sacrifice is required. Break a leg? Have it in a cast, and stay off it. Catch chicken pox? Stay out of circulation until you're not contagious any more. All recovery systems involve a bit of sacrifice. it's the way it is. So now its ok for the "healed" to throw meaningless breadcrumbs that make no sense? Again, I'm confused. Are you talking about the dumper, here? Dumpees don't throw breadcrumbs. Dumpers do. You're going to have to clarify, I'm not getting your focus at all.... NO. Think about it ...who does that? In normal land, friends text you/call....you know what they mean/want and you answer them and have normal communication. Seriously, in my whole life I don't think Ive ever texted anyone or an ex, a random "thought". Dumpers do that. All the time. Haven't you read other peoples' threads? No, I would never break "MY" NC. And some may say....well block your phone. Sure. But ya know...I'm not a teenager here, and no one is harrassing me so I shouldn't have to. Besides, I want this to play out as it should naturally as I find my way somehow and come to terms. If I did it any other way it would be like turning off a great movie before it ended. Some could say Im hurting myself here....but I just look at it as real dealings with life. NC IS 'real dealings with life.' Just a different 'real way' to yours. And as some will testify, a whole lot better. But still....this whole NC stuff? I still just don't know. If its not used by both parties for healing and moving on purposes it ain't gonna work in the long run. Precisely. But as it's the Dumpee who implements it to safeguard their feelings and emotions, they get to choose the game plan. If the dumper hadn't 'dumped' they wouldn't have to cope with this aspect. But they did. And if the dumpee decides that NC is the way to go - they have no argument, or option but to suck it up. Somewhere, somehow, people really should just try to communicate. I don't mean to sound or trash anyone's replies because I SOOOOOO much appreciate all that is offered. It's JMO. "Trying" to communicate is usually attempted - ineffectively - either just before the break-up, or just after, when the dumpee has still not accepted it's over, or contact is maintained because they simply haven't got round to understanding NC's the best way. Loads of threads begin with someone saying that initially after the break, there was constant contact or LC - but then they found it unbearable and went the full 9 yards to NC. NC 100% works, 100% of the time - if implemented as it should be. The nay-sayers invariably protest - but somewhere, add that they're still in pain, still find things hard, still struggle to cope, still miss the ex-.... It's about choice and self-preservation. Edited May 1, 2013 by TaraMaiden 1
Author Hopeful714 Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Well maybe my issue is just a bit unique here then because I was the dumper although I didn't really want to dump...but I had to. No chance in hell I'll be calling saying "ya know, Id really like to get back together and I accept all your crappy treatment...sure, cheat whenever." But this: If the dumper isn't 'over it' - that's their problem. Seems a bit harsh here. Because there are dumpers that hurt and I'll bet there are more then we know. Even when we read everyone's tales of woe about how they were dumped, we only get one side. Rarely do people come on here and say "I got dumped and maybe it was because of ....blah, blah, blah. Some, may never even learn or realize why they got dumped. And for the most part I do believe both parties hurt if there was a true caring at one time. Therefore I gotta stick with NC for both parties after the breakup unless something really needs to be communicated clearly. My ex IS a dumpee. And he's thrown crumbs ...or what ever you want to call them? Nobody seemed to think he wanted "ME" back. So I have to "sacrifice"? Man, I think I sacrificed enough! The dude did me wrong. Where's my justice as the dumper in all this? I got burned! NC IS 'real dealings with life.' Just a different 'real way' to yours. And as some will testify, a whole lot better. -Some yea. But the majority on here struggle. They WANT that contact. Until it comes and they land in the same hole, or get back together, or move on to someone else. Someone on here posted how it is difficult it is as one gets older to move on because of less availability, places to meet, etc. Its true. Very true. And that makes things harder as well. Simon-About the movie thing--I knew that would get me! Believe me..the movie here isn't great by any means...what I meant I guess is things will play out the way they will...but since there is no immediate "need" for me to block my phone I wont. And, finally yea...I know he aint lookin on the net or anything like that. All in all it was just a sucky thing to meet someone who seemed to like me, spent oodles of time with me, yet lied and cheated the whole time. Getting over "that" is the crux of it and like I said before the meaningless contact is like a twisted knife in my back as it seems as though he doesn't even think he did anything wrong I guess. If I did that, Id never contact like he did ....I'd be too ashamed and just let it be.
TaraMaiden Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 You're not the dumper. You're the dumpee. Simply because you were cornered into making the decision to end it, doesn't mean you actually ended it. He ended it by lying, cheating and doing the dirty on you. He cornered you into making a choice: Stay, suck it up, deal with it, and know you will never be enough, or get moving, leave and end this charade. you chose the latter, but that's because your options were limited and self-defeating. Your ex- acted precisely like the destructive 'dumper' he was, and true to form, threw you breadcrumbs. Reverse the roles - and it all fits perfectly.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) A forced dumper is similar to a dumpee. You are the dumpee, the fact that you dumped because you were being cheated on doesn't really change that. And this "concept" of justice is something you just have to punt. It's doing you no good. What happens to him will happen to him and has nothing to do with you. The only justice you can get is to live your life the best you can, move on and blossom and find someone who treats you the way you deserve. And you are never going to get that if you keep on obsessing about him getting punished. Even if he does, that's not going to change anything about your life. You need to get off those thoughts -- they are toxic and harmful to you. In general, you need to worry about No. 1. Stop worrying about him. It's counterproductive. And one thing I've learned from this site is there are people a lot more tolerant of cheaters than I am. Honestly, cheating would be the easiest thing for me to get over in a relationship, because once someone cheats on me, they are dead to me and I want nothing to do with them and nothing they do after that matters. But na took his cheater back and you haven't been able to completely punt feelings for your cheater. Cheating is a hard boundary for me, a soft or non-existent boundary for others. So I've learned that people evidently have different ways to deal with different things, even things that I feel have one obvious reaction. That's something you need to remember. Just because you've dealt with something a certain way doesn't mean that everyone is going to do that. All you can do is control how you respond. But yeah, you need to get past this vigilante justice thing you have or this need for you to have him feel bad for what he did. That's devoting your energy in the wrong direction. You can't see the forest because you keep on getting distracted by individual trees. Edited May 1, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
McDonald Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Dont we all doubt the NC guide... untill we reach the point in which you then think "wait... I really dont need him/her to be happy" I wanted to text her/call her... I broke NC multiple times. Then I stopped talking to her,,, but began to 'stalk' her place. Then I looked at her profile. Everytime, I was whipping myself. Slamming my own face into a wall. And the best part about it was that, it was no longer her doing this. it wasnt because I missed her that I wanted to see her. Its because I became addicted to the feeling of her and a relationship. And then I became addicted to some type of connection, even if it was a painful connection, It was A CONNECTION> so now, 4 and almost 5 months later. I dont think about her consistently. I dont go looking for her, I dont look at her facebook. Why? because in the end, I stopped contacting her. Sure, I did things to set me back, I "cheated NC" a bit, but I never contacted her. Except once... but... it did me no justice. And no, that Im near indifference, everyone says if you want to contact her now you can. But see, Im indifferent, so why would I have a feeling of contacting her? thats the point, I no longer have a feeling. you have to push yourself, you have to push yourself everyday. This is a rollarcoater and your the only one keeping yourself on the ride. You can get off whenever you like, when your ready to let go and when that time comes, you will know it. Hopefull he hurt you, and there will be a man that will never hurt you. He is the one you want.
Author Hopeful714 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Well-just for the record...After the "confrontation" we had he did keep calling every night for a while afterwards. Even tried to set up a date for the following weekend which I did not keep. So, whether I was dumped, forced to dump, or did the dumping myself...it all ended up the same, and I am here. So it really doesn't matter anymore. Yes, I am having problems with the "justice" thing and him getting punished. As said before I learned that this did happen with ex's before me, and it certainly will most likely happen with those that follow. And, yes, I know he contacted his old ex several times...so this is par for the course I guess. Im sure there are many that wish him doom..but yea...that can't be my concern. To be totally honest, I think maybe this all is hitting the fan with me now because of the approaching holiday this month. Its when we initially began dating, and then the following year when we were apart for a few weeks, we got back together again... on the same holiday. I know Im "addicted" to the RS or idea of a RS...not really him. Although I was very attracted to him, towards the end, there really were qualities about him I just found completely repulsive. My eyes were slowly opening I suppose. I feel a little better this eve. And again thank you all. I know I need to get "busy" again. Although its hard to meet people, they are not going to come knocking my door. And, I have to learn to be happy alone or with someone anyhow. Funny, how after all this time I will now have an "ongoing" thread of my own! How I hope this doesn't end up with over 2,000 posts! LOL:sick:
siankat Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Whatever it is you are truly looking for, you know you won't find with him. There is another reason you are feeling so low still. Address that. Most likely thinking you can't have what you want and he was your best chance at it? If so, it is that belief that needs changing. Not 'you and him'
cavalier99 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) Hi hopeful. Seems like your just going thru a bitter phase. Life doesnt seem fair. He gets to cheat and moves on merrily. You are stuck still suffering months later. It sucks..no justice ecetera. unfortunatly that is just how it is. You need to get rid of these unrealistic ecpectations of how someone should or shouldnt behave and how it isnt fair. He hasnt appologised blah blah blah. Lol you are just setting yourself up for dissapointment by expecting anything of him or even expecting that he needs to do NC or it wont work. That is BS. you seem like a great loving person and feel deeply. That is a great quality. But dont let that cloud your judgement and ecetera that he or others feel like this or will behave to certain standards your set. Own your own recovery. He doesnt matter. Stop thinking about these aserteric ideas and start living. Cav ps you ARE the dumpee. You know this. Your being difficult and testy and these are just a bad few days for you i think. I love woman!! Lol your friend, cav Edited May 2, 2013 by cavalier99
dreamsgone Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You need to distract yourself, take up kick boxing I have and man Ive worked through some anger issues. Every time you give him another inch in your life you take away from yourself, its hard ive been breaking NC and to be honest it makes me feel worse and him better, they want you on that emotional leash for i dont know an ego boost that they have conquered you, you are comforting to him because you are familar and safe, dont let him use you again so he can feel better, I'll try not to either its hard cause your not clinging to him excatly you are clinging to who he was supposed to be 1
flitzanu Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 another thing overlooked here, "nc" is not a mutual action. YOU are in NC, not BOTH in NC. dont predict or react to THEIR contact or delude yourself that they are breaking your NC. going no contact is only on the person who has chosen to go Nc. 2
Author Hopeful714 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Alrighty now..so pathetic Im getting flippin "get your ex back ads on my thread? WTF! So..ya all helped alot. And Im sure I'll be asking for more. I've been doing much thinking the past couple days. Too much actually. And, I also did some creepin...lol! Of course I'll fill you all in. I've been bad. But maybe this is the impetus to push me ahead. As you all know I don't take part in facebook etc. So, I cant creep on there. But because my buddy told me enough info I didn't need to know about this new girl I did some digging and I was able to creep on her "pinterest" page. Interesting how much "in common" they have. (uh-huh). Actually, it appears that most of the things she had "pinned" were ALL things that HE is all about. Then there were all these horoscope things for "their" signs...and their "signs" intertwined....and all these sayings pinned that looked so "deep" as if they are sooo in love, or how she so "understands" him. For a bit I was in a funk. But then I realized its all happening again. He's got/getting her right where he want's her. Exactly where I was when I was with him. If history repeats itself, as it usually does, it will take some time for eyes to open fully and sooner or later there will be a new LS member. Blast as you will. Yes, I am a major pathetic idiot doing what I did. Maybe he found "true love" this time. Gag me. Anyhow you will all be proud to know I took off tomorrow and plan to have a busy weekend of finally getting some more things accomplished and try to clear my head of this so I can put this to rest now. I'm going to try my hardest to post more positive and leave him out of it. I still need to be here for now thought. I still need the help. And about the NC stuff...Flitzano..you are right too among so many others here. It is "my" NC. And I think that if there is any more "contact" from the other side...I should just ignore at this point. I don't think I have or want to have to "prove" anything to anyone anymore. I hope I already did somehow.
crederer Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Tara, not everyone was saying the same thing about NC as me. There were some people saying the same, but on other threads people pointing out how stupid I am and saying I'm going to regret it and never under any circumstances contact them first if you're the dumpee. I'm not saying everyone believes that but a lot of people on here do.
na49 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 What I've learned is that if they want to contact you, nothing you do will "push them away". Including ignoring their offers of friendship, their "how are yous?" "I miss yous" "I want to talk to yous" etc. My ex knew I blocked her number, she ended up messaging my brother a few times while I was NC but he never told me about it because he thought I was over her. You go NC cold turkey. At least I did. Your ex has no idea what "NC" is because he isn't posting on forums for heart broken people looking for new ways to feel better. NC is for YOUR benefit. That's it. It's not to manipulate him into wanting you back. It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder and if you show him how strong you are, you will be more attractive than the crying puppy dog that's running after him, but there's no way to control another human being. He needs to wake up and have the epiphany, and if he never does, it's not your job to wait for him. You're banging your head against the wall for wanting him back. Okay, he broke your heart. Ouch. An ex will do that to you. No matter what. Why is it a bad thing to want her back though? Why do you need to jump through hoops to make yourself "not want him back". You're getting bent out of shape for no reason. The best advice I got from my counselor was taking your thoughts, having them, realizing your having them and letting them pass. Then having them come back and doing the same thing. Also bullsh*t he found his true love. That's a load of sh*t. Their relationship isn't perfect just like your relationship wasn't perfect, and it can end just like your relationship did.
Author Hopeful714 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Na! Where ya been buddy! And welcome now to my pathetic thread! Really though this is about getting over. Not getting back. I think we all know that. Or, at least I hope so. Your situation is a lot different. Your a lot younger, your ex, well now gf only cheated on you once. My guy did it several times and has a history of it. Although I wished (and still do at times) for that "I made a mistake sorry I want you back call" I know it won't happen. And, even in the remotest of remote chance that it did I could never go back. I could never face his family or friends (since they all most likely knew about all of it) and I could never tell my family, friends, or coworker I am back with "that guy". I could just never do it. The whole thing just messes with me still. Although I know I sound pathetic on here, I really am not so much in person. Im very happy for you! Send me good wishes in healing an finding someone new!
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