I am doubting the NC rule

[Hopeful714]

Hi everyone...remember me? And my pathetic story? This may be long...so for that, I apologize.

 

Well for a recap...I dated someone for 1.5 years. He called me his GF, we spent a lot of time together. The problem was he liked to lie and "step" out of the RS now and then and get his F on. In his mind, I think he liked having me as a GF but just couldn't be faithful. I'm sure many girls threw themselves at him and he occasionally obliged. To him, if I just turned my head to the side and "allowed" these occasional trysts I bet I'd still be dating him. Sure, there were a few other issues...but that is why it ended.

 

I was in denial I suppose. For a while. But it ate and ate at me...and finally a happening took place where I suspected again ...and had good evidence. So I finally confronted him, took a stand, said no more of this for me, and broke up. He may at this point have wanted me gone anyhow. I will never know. I was completely heart broken and wrecked. Major depression set in that I still struggle with at times. This was 8 months ago. Pathetic, yes very...but it is what it is.

 

So after the initial BU and in the month following I asked to "talk" two times. He didn't want to. So, I cried and cried, found LS and went silent w/ NC. Again this was 8 months ago.

 

In that 8 months there was a "i'm sorry" from him I didn't respond to. A "thinking of you a lot...merry x mas text" that I responded to in very generic terms, then lastly an Easter text complete with my "pet" name and endearing terms that only we used. Again, I responded generically and he returned my text with another text that was appropriate, but worth no more response from me. The week after the Easter text, a buddy of mine saw him in a bar with another girl.

 

Everyone on here says NC, NC, NC. I did that to the best of my ability. I only responded to his texts because I found it the right thing to do at the time and felt by sending no response at all it would make me look immature, and still hurting and upset. I wanted to portray an image of "all is well." Which actually, I think I did. Although, all is not.

 

I never got the text or call that said "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." I never figured I would. I was prepared to go NC forever even though I felt it would be odd and uncomfortable...but I know when its over, its over...there SHOULDN'T be contact.

 

But 8 months later...I am still troubled. There was never a "talk" or anything. Nothing that gave me any solace or peace. Although I can't say I would want him back....I still struggle with the lies and betrayl and at times question what was wrong with "me" although I know its not my problem. I have been to counseling, prayed, and posted to no relief from the tinge of pain that still lingers in me and prevents me from moving on.

 

In this time I have read about people that got back together, or met someone else, yet still texted their ex. I am perplexed. Why the hell did this guy text me? Was it a guilt text?...I figured the first 2 could be. To be honest I never expected to hear from him again but now this last one threw me for loop. After 8 months...why would he still text me? Yet not ask for anything? I just don't get it. It plays w/ my mind. Hurts my feelings. Does someone not know how by sending these crumbs causes pain and the reopening of a wound that is ever so slowly trying to heal? Does this person consider themselves my "friend" now? Get real..anyone should know that what he did was a "deal breaker" non forgiving thing...especially since it happened on several occasions.

 

Anyhow...I titled this "I am doubting the NC rule''. Sure you need NC to heal but I can't believe that after spending the time we spent...and many people on here spent much longer with their ex's....that 2 people are just to be able to break up so coldly, and immaturely, with out ever speaking a word again. There is no closure for me. No closure for my ex. No nothing except occasional breadcrumbs exchanged in a random fashion between "now' strangers. And a girl who is still messed up in the head almost 1 year later because it all makes no sense.

 

Comments? Replies? Help?

[Simon Phoenix]

Closure comes from within. I really don't know what he could provide you to close this loop in your head. I'm not exactly sure what you are looking for right now.

[aisuru]

You will have to find a way to find your own closure. I'm sorry it hurts and you're still confused. When you let go of expecting them to provide you closure, you will be that much closer to peace within yourself.

[Hopeful714]

I wanted him. Now I don't know what I want. I still want him but not the past that comes with it. Maybe a real apology or anything from him would have sufficed.

 

I came on here and bashed him over and over. And rightfully so. I was hurt. I am still hurt. I never said this before on here ...or even to him...but I loved him.

 

Had I never heard from him again ...I guess I could have the closure of "what a d", I got used, he never liked me anyhow. And maybe that is the case after all....but the texts he sent. It messes me up.

 

Its almost as if he was "feeling me out" so to speak. Yet I did what I was supposed to do according to NC. I knew if I said 1 emotional thing I'd be devalued.

 

I know I sound like NA here. But I feel like maybe he was trying (although not that hard) and I pushed him away. Kinda like how NA blocked the phone.

 

Im so tired of this pain. Its been a while...but for some reason...its back more often then usual.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wanted him. Now I don't know what I want. I still want him but not the past that comes with it. Maybe a real apology or anything from him would have sufficed.

 

I came on here and bashed him over and over. And rightfully so. I was hurt. I am still hurt. I never said this before on here ...or even to him...but I loved him.

 

Had I never heard from him again ...I guess I could have the closure of "what a d", I got used, he never liked me anyhow. And maybe that is the case after all....but the texts he sent. It messes me up.

 

Its almost as if he was "feeling me out" so to speak. Yet I did what I was supposed to do according to NC. I knew if I said 1 emotional thing I'd be devalued.

 

I know I sound like NA here. But I feel like maybe he was trying (although not that hard) and I pushed him away. Kinda like how NA blocked the phone.

 

Im so tired of this pain. Its been a while...but for some reason...its back more often then usual.

 

If he's trying, he's going to do more than send a damn text. Na's girl, as dysfunctional as that whole thing might be, did give him a call months later and did make her intentions known clearly. She didn't exactly leave him guessing to her motives when she decided she wanted to be back with him.

 

You need to stop worrying about what he might be doing. If it's anything remotely useful you won't have to ask and wonder. He'll make it perfectly clear.

[Hopeful714]

Thank you Simon you are correct as usual.

 

This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear from a guy on here.

 

I need to keep moving ahead as difficult as that may be at times...and like you said as dysfunctional as NA's situation was/is/whatever.....that girl did know what to do.

[TearyEyedPride]

It's alright Hopeful. NC is a means of shielding and protecting yourself from being strung along, played, used, and toyed with by an ex after a break up. It gives you the power to block the bullsh*t and properly take the needed time to focus on healing, recovering, regrouping and putting self love first again. The only way you can fail is if you allow yourself to be exposed to it again, giving up that power and reopening slowly healing wounds.

 

I honestly think sometimes it's our own thoughts, habits, expectations, and misconceptions that trap us most. NC leaves you to your own devices, but if you yourself are your own worst enemy... then yeah... it may seem like it doesn't work lol.

 

I don't think that's your case though. It just sounds like you were left with unresolved feelings you haven't found a place for yet. Don't try to outrun them, don't try to stifle them, accept them, feel them, and then truly let them go so you can free yourself. Your ex did you wrong, so far he has no remorse, but the great thing about it is he can't string you along if you've already cut yourself off his line.

 

Forgive him for being the *ss he was, and marvel at how wonderful your life will be without that drama and betrayal. The best is STILL yet to come.

[Hopeful714]

Tearyeyed-

 

Thank you too. I cried when I read your post. Its good to get a female perspective as well. And you are correct also. I began and maintained my NC the way I did in order to shield my pride and not be played, toyed with, used for a fall back or be a FWB. I know I have too much self respect for that but as you said too...I AM my worst enemy. If anything, and if those texts were sent with the hopes of a ego boost or easy lay...I did not provide...and my only wish is that he was able to see and understand "MY" true character after seeing his.

 

Its still way too soon for "forgiveness". Especially until my own thoughts are resolved but still...even that seems a way off. As I said I still struggle with them often and maybe its good I still post and get more perspective and let it out. I don't speak of it anymore to my friends/family about it and I hide it....but damn its there ever so big.

 

I want so badly to go out and date and/or be close to someone but I can't yet. That is annoying especially since I know hes most likely been through several by now. At least again...he knows NOTHING about me or what I have been going through. How I hope you are correct when you say the best is yet to come.

 

Lastly, thank you for admitting he did me wrong. I dont miss the drama and stress a bit! Although nothing was "promised" I was his GF though. Everyone else seems to chalk it up to "player" "pig" whatever.....but it is good to hear that yes...he did do me dirty. And I also hope somewhere deep inside he knows that.

[cavalier99]

Hi Hopeful. Sorry your still having a rough time. Dont really have much deep advise. i dont know. Seems like you are questioning too much what his texts mean.

 

They mean absolutly nothing and are sent without much thought. You should just block him. Also your arnt ever going to get an apology from him. And if you do what does it matter?. Why is it important to you?

 

You were wronged and thats that. You need to toughen up emotionally. Look at Katzee. she went thru the same crap and has taken the reigns of her life back.

 

You need to try to do the same i think. Be mad feel your emotions and all that stuff but then stop it.

 

You need to get up and shake this off. Emotional fortitude should be your new motto.

 

F*ck him he doesnt deserve a second thought. Not even a thought about receiving an appology. Cav

[mutant]

There isn't a timeline for healing or getting indifferent after a BU. In my case, the ex ended it on Easter last year, I allowed myself to be stung along for 7 good months but finally ended it last December. It's been five months of hardcore NC and I am yet to heal completely.

 

One concept that helps me move on is that of opportunity cost. It's all about exploring the alternatives that are available to you and comparing them against your current strategy - NC.

 

One of the alternatives that is available to you is to remain in contact with him and possibly get strung along/get him back. But where would that leave you?....I bet that would be the same position that the girl he was spotted with at the bar is in - dating you while still chasing exes and other girls. For you, the only logical strategy that is available is to move on and NC is a proven tool to help you do so.

 

I really don't have much advice to give but hope this helps.

[thefooloftheyear]

You want something that treated you like garbage?

 

You sound like a lovely, LOYAL. woman. Many men would absolutely kill for that. Get yourself together and when the time is right go and give that loyalty and trustworthiness to someone who will really appreciate it. Hes a dick amd a loser. Why would you want to hitch your wagon to that?

 

Trust me you wont be alone for very long..,

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

[TaraMaiden]

The NC Rule works perfectly.

 

It's people - who don't 'work perfectly'.

 

If you develop expectations of something outside of yourself, prepare for disappointment.

The only one who can ever consistently come up to the mark and be who you really want them to be - is you.

[Amelie1980]

You don't have to do NC you know. It is advocated on this site but you don't have to do it.

[TaraMaiden]

Of course.

it's not obligatory.

But look what happens when you don't.

 

Let's ask the majority of those who break/don't do No Contact how that worked for them, shall we....?

[cavalier99]

Only break NC (if you want to) once you are 100 percent indifferent. Anything before that is looking for trouble

 

Hopeful714 isnt indiffernt so she shouldnt break it.

 

anyway i dont think her post is really about wanting to break NC. she is just wondering why it isnt seeming to help her that much. I think it has she just need to keep going, living, and adjust her attitude some to a more

 

"Im going to kick some ass in life!" mentality

 

Cav

[Amelie1980]

I know Tara but sometimes when you really cannot let go of it, painful though it May be, it can help to get slapped down again and drive it home.

 

I may be one of them that needs to do it as I'm having a huge relapse. Turned back to medication.

[cavalier99]

Of course.

it's not obligatory.

But look what happens when you don't.

 

Let's ask the majority of those who break/don't do No Contact how that worked for them, shall we....?

 

Hi Taramaiden!

 

Im still here alive and kicking and doing great!

 

Believe it or not what i did the other day was a net positive for me. Ive let it all go! Cav

[TaraMaiden]

Hi Cav!

Let's look at the difference between these two examples of Breaking NC:

 

.....sometimes when you really cannot let go of it, painful though it May be, it can help to get slapped down again and drive it home.

 

Believe it or not what i did the other day was a net positive for me. Ive let it all go! Cav

 

The first is merely further self-inflicted agony.

This is breaking NC for all the Wrong Reasons.

No amount of being 'slapped down again' will do a single thing to assist the healing process....

 

Breaking NC and doing so, because you absolutely feel, 100%, completely certain that the Past is Over - is a healthy termination to NC.

cav no longer 'needs' to practise NC.

He doesn't 'need' its protection.

cav can no maintain and continue NC - because it's the completely natural thing to keep doing - because there is no 'need' to do otherwise.....

[mutant]

You don't have to do NC you know. It is advocated on this site but you don't have to do it.

 

I somewhat agree with you. Strong willed people can do with low contact and still manage to get over their exes. I thought McGriff was one such guy but I am starting to doubt it.

 

Secondly, breaking NC can somehow help to drive the point home-that the Ex no longer wants you and is happy with someone else . This would leave you with no choice but to move on. Imagine finding out the ex was getting married or having a baby? you'd have no choice but to move on!

 

I still think NC is a well rounded tool for getting over the ex and moving on.... but hey different strokes for different folks.

 

P.S No way should the OP break NC; her current situation doesn't fit any of the above. NC is her only way out.

Edited May 1, 2013 by mutant
No way should the OP break NC her situation doesn't fit any of the above. NC is her only way out.

[cavalier99]

Hi Cav!

Let's look at the difference between these two examples of Breaking NC:

 

 

 

 

 

The first is merely further self-inflicted agony.

This is breaking NC for all the Wrong Reasons.

No amount of being 'slapped down again' will do a single thing to assist the healing process....

 

Breaking NC and doing so, because you absolutely feel, 100%, completely certain that the Past is Over - is a healthy termination to NC.

cav no longer 'needs' to practise NC.

He doesn't 'need' its protection.

cav can no maintain and continue NC - because it's the completely natural thing to keep doing - because there is no 'need' to do otherwise.....

 

Ha your so right. Im staying NC now because i really have no reason not to and it is the only natural thing to do. Cav

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree somewhat with some of the others....

 

Its only natural to questions why somethingv that you thought would help you heal is just giving you anxiety and pain. Like some othes have stated, if you break it, though, you will rarely get anything out of it but more pain.

 

And who needs that?

 

The psychology of some of this stuff is beyond the capability of a lot of people to process.

 

TFY

[IS IT Better late]

My 2 cents. I'm trying to Matriculate from LC to NC. We BU a little over 2-months ago and we did some back an forth texting the first 6-weeks. She was still giving me mixed signals or what is commonly known on here as breadcrumbs. The reason I ate these breadcrumbs is b/c of how it ended. It wasn't very messy and not very firm. 2- days after she wanted out, she was telling she may still want in? So confusing and so I kept the hope. But her words and actions never matched. As she never made the effort to come see me.

 

So I think many of us are addicted to their text's or phone calls b/c they make us feel better for a few days knowing that they still think about us and may miss us a little. But when we don't hear from them for awhile all hell breaks loose again. I'm 2-weeks NC and not having any fun

[crederer]

I don't really believe in the NC thing in the way most people on here do. It's important to have no contact for a while until you get your head on straight. After you truly feel you're able to handle it without doing something you'll regret, I think contact is just fine.

 

I had NC with my ex for 7 weeks. I felt good and I was having a great time generally happy with myself. I contacted her and had a good talk and I felt a load off my chest.

 

I posted about it on here.

 

Some people said in a week i'll regret it for sure and I'm basically on an emotional high from seeing her and I'll come crashing down. That never happened for me.

 

We've had a few brief conversations and I feel good knowing that we can be civil and get along, removing awkwardness that I felt was there before. We are surely going to bump into eachother from time to time as we live close and have a lot of mutual friends. She felt comfortable calling me, in a very emotional state, about a week after we met up for the first time since the break up. This gave me some satisfaction in knowing that despite the fact she broke up with me, I was doing better with it than her and it was empowering.

 

So go with your gut. If you feel very emotionally sensitive then I'd recommend waiting until you are more secure with the whole situation.

[flitzanu]

I wanted him. Now I don't know what I want. I still want him but not the past that comes with it. Maybe a real apology or anything from him would have sufficed.

 

I came on here and bashed him over and over. And rightfully so. I was hurt. I am still hurt. I never said this before on here ...or even to him...but I loved him.

 

Had I never heard from him again ...I guess I could have the closure of "what a d", I got used, he never liked me anyhow. And maybe that is the case after all....but the texts he sent. It messes me up.

 

Its almost as if he was "feeling me out" so to speak. Yet I did what I was supposed to do according to NC. I knew if I said 1 emotional thing I'd be devalued.

 

I know I sound like NA here. But I feel like maybe he was trying (although not that hard) and I pushed him away. Kinda like how NA blocked the phone.

 

Im so tired of this pain. Its been a while...but for some reason...its back more often then usual.

 

 

and that is why you dont feel NC "works" because you are still hung up on wanting him and questioning his every move.

[TaraMaiden]

Crederer, this is what everyone has been saying.

 

NC is best if breaking it is going to bring negative consequences.

NC isn't so vital if breaking it is going to leave things neutral....

Edited May 1, 2013 by TaraMaiden