dfs1975 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I have been dating an AMAZING guy for about a month and half. Not too long, it's definitely new. He is recently separated, about 6 months. When we are together he treats me like an angel. We laugh and talk a lot. I have met many of his friends and his child. I do not want to be exclusive just yet, but I know I will. I know its just a matter of time. He is taking me on a weekend vacation too. We have had sex, its wonderful. We both really enjoy it. I am very torn because I feel like he may never want to be exclusive. I know I definitely will at some point. I'm not ready yet, however if I were to be exclusive with anyone it would be him. I am really trying not to fall in love with him. I am in my mid 30's he is in his mid '40's. We aren't kids. I know even now we both date other people. My stomach drops when I think of him with someone else. I feel like if I want a relationship and he doesn't I could lose him and all the fun we have together. If I stay I could end up hurt that he won't ever be exclusive. I do not at any point want marriage, but I do want exclusivity. What do I do? Continue on? Leave? Just enjoy it for what it is? I am seriously confused. My heart says run then it says stay.. back and forth..
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Whoa, hon, slow down. He isn't even divorced yet. I wouldn't even date a divorced guy until six months after everything was final. He probably doesn't want a commitment for a while, and that's understandable. You shouldn't focus on him as your end-all be all-happiness, and ESPECIALLY not this soon. Make your own life your primary focus. Continue seeing him casually if you want to, but if you get obsessed, that's obviously not a healthy state to be in, no matter how good the sex is or how good he is to you. 3
soccerrprp Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 dfs, You are not exclusive. Neither of you are committed to one another. Have a talk with him about being exclusive and if he is open to it, go for it. If not, bail, of course. Also, he is not even divorced yet. Are you willing to take the chance with someone who is possibly going to become a little more unpredictable after the divorce is settled? It also sounds like you're uncertain. If you are starting or have feeling for him, I don't see this going too well. Either way, a conversation has to take place... and a decision made to whether you want to take the chance or not. Way too many uncertainties, suspicions and all don't read towards a healthy, happy ending.
curlygirl40 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 My heart just did flip flops reading your post. You're falling for a guy who is just not going to be ready for what you want from him. Not for a while. The longer it goes on the more it's going to hurt when it ends. He's just not ready. He might not even know it yet, but he's not ready. Separated/divorced people need time. At least a year if not 2. Period. There are stories of people getting divorced and going right into another relationship successfuly but they are the anomaly here. One thing I know for sure. When a guy says 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now', listen to him. Don't think he'll change his mind soon, don't think you can make him realize how wonderful you are and then he'll be afraid to lose you, etc., etc. This has nothing to do with you it has everything to do with his journey. Where he's at on the separation/divorce roller coaster. You're going to ride that ride with him if you stick by him. And in the end, you'll find you were his rebound relationship, his transitional relationship, the girl he dated while he was figuring himself out but doesn't want to be alone. Yes you could miss out on all of the fun if you end things with him if he doesn't want a relationship and you do, but you are also missing out on a big heartache. I feel for you. I was EXACTLY where you were at one time. It didn't end well. It was a lot of fun, he was a fun guy. But when I look back at it, all I feel is pain. And he told me he wasn't ready, but he acted like he was ready. Same sort of stuff. Called, texted, e-mailed constantly. We saw each other on a regular basis, I met people in his family and he mine, we took our profiles down, we weren't seeing other people. So even though he told me he couldn't be in a relationship I thought to myself 'what else is a relationship if it isn't all of these things?'. Then he was gone. Good luck, this is a tough one I feel your pain!
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Come back in 4 years...you might have a chance then......but probably not.
pyramid Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Oye. BTDT. I ended it, and then tried FWB and got hurt. Now we are friends, and only because I have accepted that we are not on the same page and may never be. It's still hard sometimes... if I'm lonely, I miss the non-platonic part of our relationship, so I have to be aware of that and be extra strict with boundaries (like not going for drinks alone together, for example). Edited May 1, 2013 by pyramid
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