Newly dating-- Already "stressed" and wants a break? So ...

[YonderWindow]

Hi all,

 

I've been lurking a while over the years reading advice given to other people, and so Im giving it a go now. I suppose in my mind I realise no one can give me exact insight if they aren't in the relationship but who knows, maybe some men out there can shed light on this behaviour I'm dealing with. I apologise in advance that this is a little longer than intended so please be patient with reading it all.....Im not sure I can handle angry responses telling me to write something shorter if I want help as I've seen people write to others. Im a bit down at the moment. That said....

 

I started dating someone very recently-- maybe a month ago, not even. This is after almost a year of being totally alone after a very bad break-up last year, after which I was both siultaneously lonely and yet had a hard time wanting to be with another man. I am 30, and the man I recently met is 36. Both never married, and I will admit despite my amazing career and family and all that, being single at 30 after my lst long term relationship made me a little depressed, and i was pretty happy when i met this guy a month ago as we seemed to click immediately.

 

I moved halfway around the world for career purposes and after being here about a year I randomly met this local guy. For three weeks it seemed awesome-- he was calling or texting daily, remembered to tell me good luck when he knew I had a big presentation, was very affectionate in bed and when we were together, and while I got the idea that he is a bit cautious of relationships, he was pretty honest about liking me and our time together and essentially there were no problems.

 

This past weekend I went to his place to spend the night for the first time (he was always coming over to me, as he lives in the suburbs and I live in the city center). I made dinner for us, we had a wonderful cozy night in, and barring a couple of minor arguments over things overall its been a great three weeks.

 

On sunday he sent me a message being all cute and saying how awesome his lunch was that day (a reference to the leftovers from the meal I cooked for him over the weekend), and was very helpful in helping me with some things around my apartment. So far so good, I thought.

 

Then literally not even 24 hours later he calls me two hours before we were set to meet for a dinner date to cancel on me. He seemed stressed, and said he had just found a buyer that day for his place that he'd been contemplating selling, and that now he was going to be in what he called "an incredibly miserable and stressful process" of not only getting his place sorted, but also finding a new place to live in the city center. Granted, finding apartments here is difficult, and I understand his concern that he would be lowering his living/apartment standards because its more expensive to live in the city, but honestly, the way he acted was as if he'd been diagnosed with cancer and just needed time to himself to work through it.

 

He basically called me to tell me that the next couple months would be very stressful for him between the living situation and work, and that he "didn't have time for a girlfriend right now." When I insinuated that this was an idiotic reason, because he knows how busy I am also, and that a relationship is supposed to be something to look forward to, not a source of stress, he insisted he "knows how he gets" and that he'd end up being a bad partner during this time and would be emotionally unavailable the way he feels I would want.

 

I really am at a loss. I am not demanding on time-- at all. I myself have limited time and look forward to our gatherings as a time for me to de-stress, have some good conversation, some great sex, and to give me energy to handle all the other stress in my life. He seems to look at relationships the opposite way-- as if a relationship itself is hard work and that he just can't muster the emotional attention to give it just because he's looking for a new bloody place to live.

 

As I was upset on the phone, I did what was perhaps not in my nature, and perhaps because I spent almost a year alone before we met, I abhorred the idea of being alone again, losing a great source of sex and companionship, in what is otherwise a very stressful professional period in my life. So I somewhat suggested that we remain "friends with benefits" if he could not handle an actual relationship for a couple months. He paused and seemed tempted by the idea, though said its unusual because locally the girls from this country I live in now do not normally agree to such things and he was shocked I would offer it as he expected me to tell him to f**k off and hang up on him. He said he liked physically being with me but that he was wary of a physical relationship in and of itself because he feared I'd get more attached and he doesn't want to hurt me because he also likes me but, again, "is going to be emotionally unavailable for a couple of months."

 

I'm really not sure what to do, or why he is being this way. Is it reasonable that a man can get so stressed just by looking for a new apartment and his job that he would suddenly, literally out of no where, just break things off? He said "maybe when i am settled in the city again we can try again" when he first called me, but I guess it's hard for me to understand why, when I am not being that demanding on time, that this is even an issue. I'd understand if I was demanding all his time, but I really don't. I see him 2-3 times a week, but on busy weeks I've gone as long as five days without plans and I've not bugged him about it at all.

 

Any insight would be most welcome on how he is thinking or acting, and what my response should be. He is coming over tomorrow night to help me with some apartment things he promised to do earlier (he insisted on helping me regardless, this was not my idea, I told him not to bother anymore.) I have a distinct impression that if he is in my apartment we would end up sleeping together, but I'm not sure if its a good idea (even though I direly want to), and what, if anything, I should say to him. Or if I should just say nothing, let it go, and if he ever feels like calling me again in the future he will (though this option irritates me because it makes me feel like he has all the power.)

 

Im so sorry this is very long, but thank you to everyone who reads and responds in advance.

[Star Gazer]

Very typical situation. He got sex, and lost interest.

 

Do not settle for FWB. Move on.

[YonderWindow]

Very typical situation. He got sex, and lost interest.

 

Do not settle for FWB. Move on.

 

Thank you for responding,

 

I'm not sure he just wanted sex-- to be honest he was a pure gentleman and I was the one who initiated physical intimacy the first time. Normally I have one of those "three date" rules or more, but as I said, it had been a while and I just sort of went for it the first week I met him. He is the one being resistant to the idea of FWB-- keeps telling me he thinks I'll get hurt if we do that right now and that I'm a good person and he doesn't want to do that to me.

 

So I'm not certain he was just after sex. I asked several times if he simply did not want to date me specifically, or had other interests or women he wanted, and insisted over and over he had no time for ANY women right now.

 

He's normally been very straightforward about things and seemed legitimately surprised that I would even suggest a FWB situation.

 

Girls in this culture tend to play hard to get, and maybe I should but I hate playing games. He said that he fully had expected me to hang up on him and never speak to him again and wasn't sure how to respond to my being so "nice" to him.

 

it's really bizarre. Maybe I'm missing something being lost in translation/culture.

[Star Gazer]

I didn't say he was just after sex. I said he got it, and lost interest. It happens all the time.

[YonderWindow]

2 things that come to mind.

1) Hes just not that into you. I kinda hate that phrase but it is useful alot.

2) He is the type of person who cannot handle stress and becomes a bad boyfriend whenever something stressful comes up. He realizes this (prob due to past relationships and how they played out) and is ending it before he acts like a douche.

 

Hi Kimberly, thanks for your response

 

I thought maybe it was #1, but its odd to go from how he was acting to the next day all of a sudden now being into me? It's possible I guess.

 

I'm more inclined to go with #2, but it just seems a stupid thing. He kept bringing up how last time he was dating a girl while he was trying to buy his apartment and working a lot that she told him he became emotionally unavailable and she ended up cheating on him. He brings this girl up often since I've met him and no matter how many times I stress that I am not her and no two situations are alike, he oesnt seem to fully believe this....maybe he's just emotionally scarred/emotionally stunted and no woman can help change that eh?

[carhill]

That the sex came so quickly and at your suggestion evidently caused an emotional reaction in him to 'want a break'. You mentioned that your behavior is atypical for the women in your culture. That can add to the equation which he has resolved in his mind as wanting a break. It's possible the two (sex and break) are unrelated but I doubt it.

 

I would not pursue FWB and carry on with life as usual and see what happens. He knows how to find you if/when he's done with his break. Re-evaluate then, if then happens. Good luck.

[YonderWindow]

That the sex came so quickly and at your suggestion evidently caused an emotional reaction in him to 'want a break'. You mentioned that your behavior is atypical for the women in your culture. That can add to the equation which he has resolved in his mind as wanting a break. It's possible the two (sex and break) are unrelated but I doubt it.

 

I would not pursue FWB and carry on with life as usual and see what happens. He knows how to find you if/when he's done with his break. Re-evaluate then, if then happens. Good luck.

 

You might be right. Yes i am much more "forward" and free-spirited about sex than your average woman here (though I hadn't slept with anyone in almost a year, so its not that I do this with anyone, but I liked him immediately and just went for it).

 

He mentioned a few times that it was interesting how I was so open about it, and that women here generally act like they have no interest in sex pretty quickly after they start dating someone, so I assumed this was a positive attribute on my behalf.

 

We have been dating for almost a month with no issue prior, and literally the same day he found this buyer for the apartment and now has a clock by which he has to be out and into a new place, he just flipped. It's hard to tell what is the culprit.

 

I'm inclined to agree with you about no FWB thing....i really despise that people must play these games but perhaps his respect for me will remain better if I do not do that. When I spoke to him on the phone yesterday he said something like "we have a phrase for people you only have sex with, like "**** buddies" in english, but its usually not applied to someone who you were seriously dating." Basically, that it would be an odd concept for him to apply the FWB idea to me after we had previously been actually "dating" up until that point.

 

Ugh. I guess I hate the idea of being alone again, and for the next couple months my schedule is so bad I can't fathom having time to get into the dating scene again. Maybe I should just see if he comes around on his own. I don't know.

[xpaperxcutx]

Please, please by all means, do not settle for FWB. You're undermining your own self-worth and value By offering sex without the responsibility you're enabling his behavior to use you for sex.

 

You are going to get hurt.

[YonderWindow]

Please, please by all means, do not settle for FWB. You're undermining your own self-worth and value By offering sex without the responsibility you're enabling his behavior to use you for sex.

 

You are going to get hurt.

 

Again, I am inclined to agree with you.

 

I am curious , though, if all men feel that they would just lose respect for someone who was ok with a FWB situation?

 

Again, I hate the games. I don't equate sex with emotion (I think they can be intricately tied of course, but I also feel sex is enjoyable and can be had in a respectful situation without being involved in a relationship), but I think that two reasonable adults should be able to enjoy each other physically without thinking the other one is "easy" or someone demeaning the situation.

 

But maybe I am just too open-minded and most people do not share my views. I guess the consensus is largely that I should just hold out and let him come back around, if he decides to do so. Again, I hate how that sounds like I give him the upper hand but so be it perhaps...

[YonderWindow]

He came over last night to help me with an errand he'd promised to do. Seemed afraid to touch me at first (you know, those awkward hand on the waist for a second before you pull away because you're unsure if you should/are allowed).

 

After a while it was late, he decided he'd sleep here instead of driving home. Crawled into bed together sparsely clothed, with the occasional brushing of hands on a chest or waist. I wanted sex. While certain of his body parts indicated he did too, he resisted at first, kept telling me he was tired and was just going to go to sleep, etc. I gave up after a while. He kept saying things about how Im one of the nicest people he's ever met, about how why would I want to bother with him when he can be so emotionally/physically unavailable when he's stressed like he is now, etc etc. That he wants to be what I deserve but he doesnt think he can be based on his preivious relationships. He brings up this one ex of his alot that he seems to base a lot of his anxiety on-- apparently last time he went through a stressful period and didnt give her as much attention as she wanted she cheated on him. Nevermind that he's a grown man and should know that no two situations are the same and that because one woman screwed him over that everyone will do. I gave up and fell asleep. He cuddled me as he slept per usual. Weird.

 

Two in the morning he wakes up all of a sudden and just initiates sex out of no where, after clearly resisting it earlier in the evening. We have sex, fall asleep cuddling and kissing.

 

He wakes up in the morning to go to work. More kissing. More affectionate hand gesture and carressing of my face. Etc. He leaves.

 

I make a strong attempt not to contact him the rest of the day. I suspect i will not hear from him this weekend. He is signing papers to the buyer for his house on friday, and now has to find a new place to live in the next 8 weeks. He appeared visibly stressed when discussing this. It's odd to me why this event is causing so much stress for him. I understand apartment hunting in an expensive city is stressful but obviously he has deeper issues (see previous comments on ex girlfriend cheating) that give him issues with trusting someone to really support him during any stressful period.

 

At first I thought he doesnt like me anymore but dont think thats it. We met on a dating website and the only reason i went online was curiousity and to see if he'd used his profile recently. It said he had only logged in once or twice since we started dating. He said he also went on and noticed I'd been online recently. Does this mean he cares if I see other people and doesnt wnat to tell me because he's also essentially putting us on a break?

 

I try to explain this situation to my friends and its hard to do because I barely understand myself what is going on or where I stand. I offered to come over and make him dinner next weekend and watch a movie and he sort-of agreed. That's all I know at this point, aside from the odd feeling that I miss him , which is weird for me because I dont ever fall for people within a month, and its been well about a year since i broke up with my last long term boyfriend. I dont fall for people easily, commonly or readily.

 

Im so confused about how to approach this....pretend I dont care? Just sit around waiting for him to call me? Send him a text once a week just to remind him i exist? Should I remind him he agreed to dinner and a movie next weekend?

 

I have no idea what to do anymore.