Star Gazer Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 He told me that he likes to have the option of cancelling because sometimes he just doesn't want to hang out with people and it's nothing personal. I've heard that SAME LINE from a guy I dated FOUR TIMES! I kept giving him chance after chance; it took me forever to finally break away from the flake! What a twit!! 2
tbf Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I agree with you. It's funny that you mention this because I have a theory that what happened is once I accepted his STD he thought that it meant other girls would and he had tons of options. After all I was the first person he told, and maybe before telling me he was terrified that it would make him a pariah. The change in him was dramatic after that point. I hope the next girl he dates kicks his sorry ass out the door when he tells her. No, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Even before he told you, the signs were there, his flaking 60% of the time in five dates. Bet there were more signs prior. 3
Treasa Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 OK, to be serious for a moment... Now that you did break up with him, how do you feel about it? Yeah, ok, you had a tiny slip, but YOU broke up with HIM, a no-good *******. 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 OK, to be serious for a moment... Now that you did break up with him, how do you feel about it? Yeah, ok, you had a tiny slip, but YOU broke up with HIM, a no-good *******. Actually a lot better. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The last couple of days I was so anxious and I finally feel a bit relaxed. 6
Treasa Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 And not guilty anymore for wanting to end it with someone you knew wasn't right for you. Just remember this if it happens again. Don't settle for crap.
BluEyeL Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 TC, I'm glad you feel better. I hope the hurt goes away quickly, I don't think it's possible that you don't hurt at all, no matter how bad a match you too were. Best wishes and good job!
outsidethebox Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 I actually tried to do that already. I asked him if anything was wrong and what he wanted to talk about. And he snapped at me and said that no matter what he says to the contrary I will doubt his feelings for me. Then he demanded to know why I had asked him that and I ended up apologizing for asking. I still think he's going to end things. It's a long story but he was acting weird and cold the last time we were together. That's why I'm afraid to ask him if we can talk over the phone, because he's been snapping at my requests. Why would you meet with someone who acts like that? I know, I keep asking these unwanted questions but why?
RedRobin Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Hmm... looking at his other behaviors, I'd say you were very fortunate he told you about his STD at all. run, not walk from this guy. Seriously. Stop talking to him.
Author tuxedo cat Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Had a dream last night that we were in this all white religious looking room with a skylight at the top and he was a vampire and I let him bite me and we both ended up ascending to the ceiling together with our bodies tangled and breaking through the glass into the sky. What the flying fck, guys. No, I'm not a Twilight fan. 1
Emilia Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Had a dream last night that we were in this all white religious looking room with a skylight at the top and he was a vampire and I let him bite me and we both ended up ascending to the ceiling together with our bodies tangled and breaking through the glass into the sky. What the flying fck, guys. No, I'm not a Twilight fan. It's the herpes 3
Author tuxedo cat Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) It's the herpes That was my interpretation as well. Edited May 2, 2013 by tuxedo cat 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 I was OK yesterday, but I just feel a bit upset today--I don't know why. I had a mini epiphany last night. I realized that every relationship or dating experience in which I've put in effort has failed. In other experiences when I was younger where I didn't care about the guy and put in no effort, and sometimes even borderline mistreated them, they always stuck around. I just try too hard when I like somebody, that's my problem. A few days ago this guy sent me a text, "TC, why do you like me?" I sent him an email detailing a few of the little things I'd noticed about him that made me smile. It was a couple of days later that he sent me the "we need to talk" text. I shouldn't have sent him that email. I thought I hadn't properly expressed how much I liked him and I thought he would appreciate it. I made myself too vulnerable, I was too expressive. I overdid it. That doesn't mean the answer is to mistreat guys but I just need to detach and not care or try so much in the future. Just want to put this whole thing behind me and focus on myself for awhile.
Author tuxedo cat Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Btw, in our last conversation right before he got off he told me that his ex girlfriend had just called him for the first time in ages right in the middle of our conversation. I asked he was doing and he said, he was "just so upset." This was the girl who broke up with him two years ago and then toyed with emotions for months afterwards. He still seems to be pining over her. He is another one of those guys who value what they can't have. I know I have those tendencies myself, and I guess it makes me hate it even more when I see it in others. The difference is when I feel myself devaluing somebody who is too into me, I check myself and don't act on the feeling and it usually goes away. I find it harder to act in the opposite direction--not overvalue somebody who is rejecting me, but I think this was a good step forward. Edited May 3, 2013 by tuxedo cat 1
Emilia Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I was OK yesterday, but I just feel a bit upset today--I don't know why. I had a mini epiphany last night. I realized that every relationship or dating experience in which I've put in effort has failed. In other experiences when I was younger where I didn't care about the guy and put in no effort, and sometimes even borderline mistreated them, they always stuck around. I just try too hard when I like somebody, that's my problem. A few days ago this guy sent me a text, "TC, why do you like me?" I sent him an email detailing a few of the little things I'd noticed about him that made me smile. It was a couple of days later that he sent me the "we need to talk" text. I shouldn't have sent him that email. I thought I hadn't properly expressed how much I liked him and I thought he would appreciate it. I made myself too vulnerable, I was too expressive. I overdid it. That doesn't mean the answer is to mistreat guys but I just need to detach and not care or try so much in the future. Just want to put this whole thing behind me and focus on myself for awhile. Maybe something to start a thread on? It helps working out whom you attract - which in turn helps rationalise it and change it if necessary. 2
serial muse Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) I was OK yesterday, but I just feel a bit upset today--I don't know why. I had a mini epiphany last night. I realized that every relationship or dating experience in which I've put in effort has failed. In other experiences when I was younger where I didn't care about the guy and put in no effort, and sometimes even borderline mistreated them, they always stuck around. I just try too hard when I like somebody, that's my problem. A few days ago this guy sent me a text, "TC, why do you like me?" I sent him an email detailing a few of the little things I'd noticed about him that made me smile. It was a couple of days later that he sent me the "we need to talk" text. I shouldn't have sent him that email. I thought I hadn't properly expressed how much I liked him and I thought he would appreciate it. I made myself too vulnerable, I was too expressive. I overdid it. That doesn't mean the answer is to mistreat guys but I just need to detach and not care or try so much in the future. Just want to put this whole thing behind me and focus on myself for awhile. I don't see the part where you detailed things you like about him, and told him so, as trying too hard. Not at all! This isn't about expressing yourself too much, TC. Telling someone what you like about them is normal. Instead, I see the part where you did notice red flags but swallowed your anxiety about them and hid them beneath those things you liked as trying too hard -- to make something work with someone who isn't really good for you. I do think the issue you're having is related to attraction and choice of potential partners -- what characteristics in another person you are finding yourself attracted to. Maybe you are a bit of a healer type and are seeking out people to fix, even if it's not fully conscious. Or maybe you've just latched on to the idea, somewhere along the way, that being open-minded and a good partner means you shouldn't be deterred by a few "small" drawbacks in a potential partner. The tricky part is that to some extent that's true -- but it's drawing the proper line between what's fair to the other person and what's really good for you that I think a lot of women struggle with, and causes them to excuse bad/destructive behaviors long past the point of fairness. Edited May 3, 2013 by serial muse 6
Author tuxedo cat Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Here's a bit of our last conversation. Was I too demanding? Me: i think it's best if we don't see each other anymore. i was cool with the idea of us getting to know each other, but there has to be a basic level of mutual affection and warmth I feel that i like you more and there's a mismatch in our interest Him: i know you feel that and no matter what i say that's not going to change that's what i've come to see i've told you you're wrong numerous times (I only asked him twice) but i can't do this over and over again these heavy conversations just don't bode well i think Me: I agree, they don't. Him: and it's not just that. separately, i'm just not sure i have the time for a serious relationship right now (on our first date he told me he was looking for a relationship and asked if I was on the same page) and especially not one where i feel i have to regularly show i like someone i don't know, maybe i'm not good at showing it me: at the start you were expressive Him: i don't think i've changed that much since then me: it doesn't matter at this point Him: to be honest i was a little irked over the weekend when i didn't respond to your text in time or something and you sent me a response and i feel like from the beginning you've had doubts about how i feel (it had taken him over 30 hours to respond to text I had about our plans, leaving me uncertain on whether we were even meeting the next day) me: I started to doubt it when you kept cancelling on me. I do have some anxiety lingering from my last relationship, but I think anyone would have doubted your interest in my place. Him: i can understand the anxiety my ex really messed with my head too me: how? Him: she broke up with me but kept saying she still wanted to be with me and saying she loved me, etc. while she was dating someone else me: yeah, i can see why that would make you uneasy about getting attached to anyone. Him: i mean i'm not uneasy about getting attached. i honestly just think it was way too soon to even be thinking about that. (he disappears for 20 minutes on im and then reappears) Him: can you believe my ex just called me? me: yeah? Him: i'm just so upset me: are you ok? Him: not really but i just want to forget about it me: ok Him: it's late anyway i should probably go to sleep Me: I hope you feel better, take care. Him: thanks
sillyanswer Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Here's a bit of our last conversation. Was I too demanding? I don't think so, but does it matter? You've broken up with this guy.
Treasa Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Here's a bit of our last conversation. Was I too demanding? Me: i think it's best if we don't see each other anymore. i was cool with the idea of us getting to know each other, but there has to be a basic level of mutual affection and warmth I feel that i like you more and there's a mismatch in our interest Him: i know you feel that and no matter what i say that's not going to change that's what i've come to see i've told you you're wrong numerous times (I only asked him twice) but i can't do this over and over again these heavy conversations just don't bode well i think Me: I agree, they don't. Him: and it's not just that. separately, i'm just not sure i have the time for a serious relationship right now (on our first date he told me he was looking for a relationship and asked if I was on the same page) and especially not one where i feel i have to regularly show i like someone i don't know, maybe i'm not good at showing it me: at the start you were expressive Him: i don't think i've changed that much since then me: it doesn't matter at this point Him: to be honest i was a little irked over the weekend when i didn't respond to your text in time or something and you sent me a response and i feel like from the beginning you've had doubts about how i feel (it had taken him over 30 hours to respond to text I had about our plans, leaving me uncertain on whether we were even meeting the next day) me: I started to doubt it when you kept cancelling on me. I do have some anxiety lingering from my last relationship, but I think anyone would have doubted your interest in my place. Him: i can understand the anxiety my ex really messed with my head too me: how? Him: she broke up with me but kept saying she still wanted to be with me and saying she loved me, etc. while she was dating someone else me: yeah, i can see why that would make you uneasy about getting attached to anyone. Him: i mean i'm not uneasy about getting attached. i honestly just think it was way too soon to even be thinking about that. (he disappears for 20 minutes on im and then reappears) Him: can you believe my ex just called me? me: yeah? Him: i'm just so upset me: are you ok? Him: not really but i just want to forget about it me: ok Him: it's late anyway i should probably go to sleep Me: I hope you feel better, take care. Him: thanks You showed too much caring and investment. Whoever cares least wins. At least in relationships like this where a deep level of love and respect haven't yet been built. My conversation with him would have gone like: Me: I'm not doing this anymore, and I don't want to discuss it. Don't contact me unless you'd like to see exactly why I need to see a psychiatrist every six weeks. *click* I'm not going to sit around and wait to be guilt tripped, talked out of it, told how horrible I was, etc. If someone I had no interest in keeping in my life was trying to do that to me, I'd say, "Ok, I can see your lips moving, but all I'm hearing is 'Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah.'" I don't give so much of myself away, anymore. If I find myself "trying" to impress anyone now, I stop. I stop so cold that they'll sometimes start asking me if everything is ok. Anything you chase in life will tend to run away. 1
RedRobin Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 no, you didn't sound demanding at all. I agree he's not over his ex and fibbed about wanting a relationship. Good for you for not allowing yourself to be his backup plan or default FWB. 1
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Here's a bit of our last conversation. Was I too demanding? Me: i think it's best if we don't see each other anymore. i was cool with the idea of us getting to know each other, but there has to be a basic level of mutual affection and warmth I feel that i like you more and there's a mismatch in our interest Him: i know you feel that and no matter what i say that's not going to change that's what i've come to see i've told you you're wrong numerous times (I only asked him twice) but i can't do this over and over again these heavy conversations just don't bode well i think Me: I agree, they don't. Him: and it's not just that. separately, i'm just not sure i have the time for a serious relationship right now (on our first date he told me he was looking for a relationship and asked if I was on the same page) and especially not one where i feel i have to regularly show i like someone i don't know, maybe i'm not good at showing it me: at the start you were expressive Him: i don't think i've changed that much since then me: it doesn't matter at this point Him: to be honest i was a little irked over the weekend when i didn't respond to your text in time or something and you sent me a response and i feel like from the beginning you've had doubts about how i feel (it had taken him over 30 hours to respond to text I had about our plans, leaving me uncertain on whether we were even meeting the next day) me: I started to doubt it when you kept cancelling on me. I do have some anxiety lingering from my last relationship, but I think anyone would have doubted your interest in my place. Him: i can understand the anxiety my ex really messed with my head too me: how? Him: she broke up with me but kept saying she still wanted to be with me and saying she loved me, etc. while she was dating someone else me: yeah, i can see why that would make you uneasy about getting attached to anyone. Him: i mean i'm not uneasy about getting attached. i honestly just think it was way too soon to even be thinking about that. (he disappears for 20 minutes on im and then reappears) Him: can you believe my ex just called me? me: yeah? Him: i'm just so upset me: are you ok? Him: not really but i just want to forget about it me: ok Him: it's late anyway i should probably go to sleep Me: I hope you feel better, take care. Him: thanks Too demanding? You didn't demand or ask for anything. You told him you felt the base level of mutual affection and warmth was missing. That's how you feel, and it's clear from his response that he's not going to improve. 1
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I'd also like to point out that after YOUR rejection of him was clear ("it doesn't matter at this point"), he THEN went on to whine about you and tell you his ex just called. "Oh yeah, well you suck too! And guess what, my ex still wants me, so I'm not alone! Neener neener!" So predictable. 6
Treasa Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I'd also like to point out that after YOUR rejection of him was clear ("it doesn't matter at this point"), he THEN went on to whine about you and tell you his ex just called. "Oh yeah, well you suck too! And guess what, my ex still wants me, so I'm not alone! Neener neener!" So predictable. Seriously. I started laughing when I got to this part and asked myself, "Is he five or something?"
aussietigerwolf Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I'd also like to point out that after YOUR rejection of him was clear ("it doesn't matter at this point"), he THEN went on to whine about you and tell you his ex just called. "Oh yeah, well you suck too! And guess what, my ex still wants me, so I'm not alone! Neener neener!" So predictable. yeah, that's what it sounded like to me too.
FlyerFan54 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Reading about all these games this guy is playing just p!sses me off. He asked you why you liked him. That's not demanding or clingy at all. He was asking for your feelings. You told him...there's nothing wrong with that at all. To turn around and blow you off after that, is something that just baffles me. I honestly can't comprehend why people do that. Now all of a sudden, an ex is involved? You're better off. As for the dreams, I was getting them too about the girl I wrote my novel about. It was practically a nightly occurance and it really screwed with my head. At some point, he'll frustrate you to the point where they'll go away, as mine did. I'm not gonna lie...it's gonna suck. But time heals all wounds. Don't give up, just move on and keep dating until you find that person who reciprocates your feelings. If anything, this is a blessing in disguise for you. In the long run, he'll be kicking himself for screwing around with you. 1
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