I think he's about to "break up" with me

[Star Gazer]

Slow down when reading please. Quickly skimming is not conducive to good reading comprehension. I said exactly what you just said. I asked, when things are ****ty in the beginning, when does it ever get better? It doesn't. And that's a lesson people refuse to learn.

 

And wishing in one hand, crapping in the other means you can hope and wish all you want, but the reality is going to be that what actually fills your hand will be the reality of the situation. How you can twist that into me taking issue with her ending the relationship is baffling.

 

Actually, when she first started seeing this guy, my recommendation was to start looking around for a door. I'm happy that she got out. The impetus for her getting out, however, was not good for her. As she grows and develops more confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy, she won't let these relationships drag on for 2 months.

 

If you agree with me, Treasa, tbf, etc., then why are you taking issue with her ending it? Why?

 

Is it because she finally listened to us, and not you? Are you bringing your ego into another person's relationship?

[Star Gazer]

I hope he didn't say anything mean.

 

But if he did, yeah... Consider the source. His opinion is worthless.

[FlyerFan54]

I agree with tuxedocat.

 

I am blunt and honest. Men say they want a woman like that... Im a true testament to the fact that men dont want that (unless what Im saying is what they want to hear and strokes their ego). Women are not allowed to be selfish and assertive, if we are we are labeled as "clingy" " a bitch " and so on. The OP's male friends telling her she is too pushy pisses me off. Isnt she a human being with needs and feelings too? She didnt do anything wrong! Ive had a few men appreciate my straightforwardness but about 5 times more have not liked it at all. Its much easier and desirable for them to control a submissive person/doormat than to date someone like me apparently.

 

I'll agree, most men say they want that. The problem isn't that they really don't...it's just that they wind up not being able to handle it.

 

It all comes down to security. If a guy has a good head on his shoulders and is secure with himself, they can manage a woman who is assertive and open.

 

An insecure guy will put on a front, but will never be able to deal with someone telling it like it is, and opening up about how they feel.

 

I completely agree though, the OP did nothing wrong by opening up...especially since he has been so reserved.

[Treasa]

I'm not doing too well, guys. Just looked at my phone. Can't talk about it now, too upset.

 

I just can't wait to be over this.

 

Give me his address and I'll take care of it, love.

 

Just take deep breaths, over and over, and relax. Don't take any actions right now. He's just a guy. A very dumb, juvenile guy. Anything he said is just an attack on you in some form or another.

[FlyerFan54]

I'm not doing too well, guys. Just looked at my phone. Can't talk about it now, too upset.

 

I just can't wait to be over this.

 

Hang in there...we're here for support.

 

Talk to us when you're ready.

[BluEyeL]

TC, I'm sorry you are not feeling well It's going to pass, hope it's as quick as possible.

[Treasa]

I remember when I broke up with my boyfriend in November. He wasn't treating me well at times, and ignoring me, but sometimes he'd be so sweet, and he'd keep telling me to just "know" that he loves me. It made breaking up with him SO hard.

 

He got very vicious when I did. He turned things around on me, make everything out to be my fault, and then he pulled the "I'm so sad, I miss you so much" crap, and then he went back to being cold. It was just pure manipulation. But even though I KNEW that, it broke my heart into pieces. First it was me I was hurting for, and then him, and then me again...

 

I had to process it all. I had to go through that pain, which was VERY difficult, in order to really heal and become stronger. I knew I was making the right choice, but it felt so hard at the time.

 

I don't regret doing it now that I'm properly distanced from the event.

[Star Gazer]

What in the world are you talking about? Can you show me one post over the last 2 months where I said she shouldn't end the relationship? Just one.

 

Facts are facts. Two days ago, she wasn't planning on breaking up with him. Then, he sent a text that scared her, so she pre-empted, spurred on by strangers on the internet. To me, that's sorta funny.

 

But the issue at bar here is the pattern that she's established. She is complicit in this fiasco as well. This relationship never should have seen the light of day, but seemingly she just keeps letting the same thing happen. Self esteem, thick skin and not tying your sense of self worth to somebody else's opinion of you is the key to happiness. She needs to find that in herself, on her own, from inside. Construct her own strength and self-worth.

 

But no...so many women just want to keep handing out crutches for stunned toes.

 

Anyway, it doesn't even matter what I say....you guys are just going to skim one line of my post and then pour a box of tacks into your panties, so its almost not even worth talking.

 

I'm not understanding what point you're trying to make.

 

You agree she wasn't being treated well.

 

You agree she was right to end it.

 

What else is there to say?

[tuxedo cat]

OK, I'm ready to talk now. He didn't say anything mean. He basically said that he hadn't been meaning to break up with me but ultimately decided we should when I asked him if anything was wrong after he said, "we need to talk." He told me he had been feeling too much pressure from me to make a commitment and that it was too much stress on top of his work.

 

I guess I feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't brought up the whole exclusivity issue this may have never happened.

 

I thought I was being reasonable but maybe I didn't say things in the right way. I just don't know. I'm not the smoothest person.

[Janesays]

 

You guys want to put band aids on things....'Oh, you broke up with him. Good. He's a scumbag. You go, girl! Cool...problem solved'. Yeah....except its actually not. Because guess what....we're probably going to be right back here in 2 months having this same conversation.

 

This isn't just a TC thing. A good majority of the women here do this sort of thing over and over and over again. It's stunning to me that not a single one has said, "Hey! What a minute! Maybe it's ME! Maybe this guy isn't a jerk, loser, commitment phob, etc, etc! Maybe I'M the one screwing everything up! By golly, *I* am the common denominator in ALL of my failed dates/relationships!"

 

I'm telling you you're wasting your time trying to point this out, because they don't WANT to hear this. It doesn't serve their egos to admit that maybe, JUST MAYBE there is something wrong with them other than 'bad luck.'

 

All they want is validation. "There, there, he was a jerk. There, there, you'll find someone special someday. You're just having some bad luck."

 

So please don't jump on TC for doing any of this. She's just conforming to the forum norm here.

 

All this has happened before and will happen again in the future.

[Treasa]

OK, I'm ready to talk now. He didn't say anything mean. He basically said that he hadn't been meaning to break up with me but ultimately decided we should when I asked him if anything was wrong after he said, "we need to talk." He told me he had been feeling too much pressure from me to make a commitment and that it was too much stress on top of his work.

 

I guess I feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't brought up the whole exclusivity issue this may have never happened.

 

I thought I was being reasonable but maybe I didn't say things in the right way. I just don't know. I'm not the smoothest person.

 

OMG, tell me you are not serious. Sweetheart, this is GASLIGHTING. See my post above when I broke up with a guy in November.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Do you enjoy dancing around on eggshells? Not being who you are, not saying what you think? That's crap.

 

Eventually you'll feel angry or incredibly relieved over this, or both, and you'll laugh at what a loser this guy is.

[Treasa]

This isn't just a TC thing. A good majority of the women here do this sort of thing over and over and over again. It's stunning to me that not a single one has said, "Hey! What a minute! Maybe it's ME! Maybe this guy isn't a jerk, loser, commitment phob, etc, etc! Maybe I'M the one screwing everything up! By golly, *I* am the common denominator in ALL of my failed dates/relationships!"

 

 

Oooh, oooh, oooh!! *raises hand* I say it!! I take full blame for staying with those *******s, or getting with them in the first place. True, they are *******s, but it was my fault that I ended up unhappy with them.

[Janesays]

Oooh, oooh, oooh!! *raises hand* I say it!! I take full blame for staying with those *******s, or getting with them in the first place. True, they are *******s, but it was my fault that I ended up unhappy with them.

 

 

You're like a unicorn around here you're so rare.

[Treasa]

You're like a unicorn around here you're so rare.

 

Yay! I love unicorns!

[Imajerk17]

Well, this is my take, as a guy:

 

When it's right, it's easy. When it's not right, it's hard as this one is. In this case, it sounds to me that this guy gaslighted. He made promises early on that he wasn't able to keep and he blamed tc for "pressuring" him.

 

This wasn't a good relationship. All I remember were threads from tc wondering why he had disappeared, why he hadn't texted.

 

tuxedo_cat, in my opinion, expanded her boundaries and grew in the sense that SHE took the reins in ending something unsatisfactory. She stood up for herself. I hope she feels some pride in that.

 

Barnacle, you've had your share of crazy hard-to-believe experiences yourself.

[candie13]

OK, I'm ready to talk now. He didn't say anything mean. He basically said that he hadn't been meaning to break up with me but ultimately decided we should when I asked him if anything was wrong after he said, "we need to talk." He told me he had been feeling too much pressure from me to make a commitment and that it was too much stress on top of his work.

 

I guess I feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't brought up the whole exclusivity issue this may have never happened.

 

I thought I was being reasonable but maybe I didn't say things in the right way. I just don't know. I'm not the smoothest person.

 

OMG, so he wants to make it your fault for breaking up, because you asked "what's wrong"? Because asking "what's wrong" is "pressure"? It's just a question, not a marriage proposal.

 

TC, the guy is lacking imagination so much that he isn't even capable of coming up with a valid excuse or reason. Honestly, "your feet stink" would have been a more reasonable line!

 

Why are you beating yourself up, why are you hanging on so close to this guy? You need to learn to be selfish, TC, in relationships and in the real life. If to you exclusivity is important, you should ask for it. It is irrelevant if the timing is bad! If it's important to you, you actually need to speak out. Stay if your partner shares your pov and leave if he doesn't!

 

It's not your fault for wanting to be exclusive. It's actually him, he is not ready. It's life, TC. Sometimes a guy is ready to take it to the next level, other times, he simply is enjoying the ride.

 

Stop doubting and stop beating yourself up. Sh*t happens! Next time, be smarter and more realistic (look at the cold reality, at the signs), instead of hopeful, no biggie!

 

Well done for talking to him, you're doing ok !

[sillyanswer]

OK, I'm ready to talk now. He didn't say anything mean. He basically said that he hadn't been meaning to break up with me but ultimately decided we should when I asked him if anything was wrong after he said, "we need to talk." He told me he had been feeling too much pressure from me to make a commitment and that it was too much stress on top of his work.

 

I guess I feel like it was my fault.

 

That's because you're believing the spin he's putting on things.

 

"We need to talk" is rarely a sign of a forthcoming happy talk.

[Treasa]

That's because you're believing the spin he's putting on things.

 

"We need to talk" is rarely a sign of a forthcoming happy talk.

 

I had a couple of exes who would use it whenever they felt like their control over my emotions was starting to slip.

 

They were both, interestingly enough, complete narcissists. Super melodramatic, always talking about themselves, always trying to prove how awesome they were, and how they were somehow better than other people, etc.

 

They can't control themselves, so they try to control everyone else.

[Kamille]

Hey tc,

 

Am kind of caught up on the thread and the debates.

 

My take is that you need to figure out why you are such a hopeless romantic . Why would you question yourself now and think you could have played this differently?

 

I have an opinion about this. I think, mostly, the issue is that you let your desire to be loved compete with your gut instincts. Or, like bb said, you jump into the pool without looking first.

 

You know, as Diana Ross sings... You can't hurry love. I wish we could, but, really, there's no pace better than slow, cautious and steady for people who struggle to identify and communicate their own needs.

 

To me it sounds like you worry you didn't play this right because you're somehow convinced that being yourself isn't enough. That could be why you worry so much and struggle to identify your own feelings. It's also why you try too hard to make things work, even when you yourself have doubts. It's also why you spend energy trying to figure out what the guys you are seeing are thinking. If you truly trusted that the guy for you would just dig you for you, you wouldn't be so focused on figuring him out, or figuring out how to play things. You would just enjoy being you.

[tbf]

OK, I'm ready to talk now. He didn't say anything mean. He basically said that he hadn't been meaning to break up with me but ultimately decided we should when I asked him if anything was wrong after he said, "we need to talk." He told me he had been feeling too much pressure from me to make a commitment and that it was too much stress on top of his work.

 

I guess I feel like it was my fault. If I hadn't brought up the whole exclusivity issue this may have never happened.

 

I thought I was being reasonable but maybe I didn't say things in the right way. I just don't know. I'm not the smoothest person.

OH NOES! You expressed your needs? How dare you do this! How dare the world not revolve around this donkey's anus!

 

tc, do you want a man or a petulant boy?

[tuxedo cat]

I slipped a little. I felt like I needed some closure so I agreed to talk with him briefly online about what happened. I guess I needed to vent my frustrations as I'd bottled them up for two months.

 

I told him that I had been frustrated by his constant reschedules/cancellations. I actually said it in a pretty nice way but he responded that I sounded really "accusatory" and "overly serious." He kind of mocked my word choice--"honoring his commitments". He told me that he likes to have the option of cancelling because sometimes he just doesn't want to hang out with people and it's nothing personal.

 

He was super casual in the conversation to the point of glibness. It was obvious that I cared a lot more than he did and I got the sense he was disdainful of how much I cared. Screw him.

 

Now I feel a bit more resolute in my decision. It's such a change from the considerate guy on our first couple of dates but I guess you never really know somebody until you do. And all this time he's been like (paraphrasing), "I'm somebody who experiences a lot of guilt and goes to great lengths not to hurt others." He's the second jerk in a row who has said that to me about himself. Whenever I hear that again I'm going to assume it means the opposite.

 

Good riddance.

[tbf]

He told me that he likes to have the option of cancelling because sometimes he just doesn't want to hang out with people and it's nothing personal.

He's flat out telling you that he's selfish which based on his pattern was apparent to many of us prior to your closing conversation.

 

When someone's so obliviously selfish, it's difficult for them to care about others. That's why he was so smug and emotionless in your closing conversation.

 

Words and actions, tc. If the two don't align, watch out.

[Treasa]

He's flat out telling you that he's selfish which based on his pattern was apparent to many of us prior to your closing conversation.

 

When someone's so obliviously selfish, it's difficult for them to care about others. That's why he was so smug and emotionless in your closing conversation.

 

Words and actions, tc. If the two don't align, watch out.

 

What Milla Jovovich said.

[Star Gazer]

OMG, so he wants to make it your fault for breaking up, because you asked "what's wrong"? Because asking "what's wrong" is "pressure"? It's just a question, not a marriage proposal.

 

TC, the guy is lacking imagination so much that he isn't even capable of coming up with a valid excuse or reason. Honestly, "your feet stink" would have been a more reasonable line!

 

Why are you beating yourself up, why are you hanging on so close to this guy? You need to learn to be selfish, TC, in relationships and in the real life. If to you exclusivity is important, you should ask for it. It is irrelevant if the timing is bad! If it's important to you, you actually need to speak out. Stay if your partner shares your pov and leave if he doesn't!

 

It's not your fault for wanting to be exclusive. It's actually him, he is not ready. It's life, TC. Sometimes a guy is ready to take it to the next level, other times, he simply is enjoying the ride.

 

Stop doubting and stop beating yourself up. Sh*t happens! Next time, be smarter and more realistic (look at the cold reality, at the signs), instead of hopeful, no biggie!

 

Well done for talking to him, you're doing ok !

 

Love love love this!!!

 

TC: Read it again!!

[tuxedo cat]

This is where you need to remember how much his demeanor changed once you 'accepted' his STD. Remember how you said his attitude changed completely? His nice guy stuff was an act. Once you accepted his major flaw, he no longer had to 'sell' you on him. Usually a strong indication that the guy you are dating is not the guy you thought you were dating.

 

Sudden attitude changes are almost always a bad indicator.

 

I agree with you. It's funny that you mention this because I have a theory that what happened is once I accepted his STD he thought that it meant other girls would and he had tons of options. After all I was the first person he told, and maybe before telling me he was terrified that it would make him a pariah. The change in him was dramatic after that point.

 

I hope the next girl he dates kicks his sorry ass out the door when he tells her.