tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I put break up in quotes since we weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend, although we were exclusive. We've been dating for two months. He sent me one of those dreaded "we need to talk" texts, and we're meeting tomorrow night. I was on the verge of breaking things off with him but part of me was still hoping that things might turn around. Still, even though it's for the best, I don't handle rejection well. I know most people prefer to hear it in person but I would rather he tell me over the phone. We're meeting at a bar and there's a good chance I'll start crying which would only add to the feeling of humiliation. I'm aware it's not rational, but I hate getting dumped in public. Seeing him again will also just make me feel worse. I appreciate that he has the decency to tell me in person but I know that it will make things harder for me. Is there a way I could suggest we speak over the phone instead? He seems to be rather stubborn about doing things his way and I'm concerned if I ask he will dig his heels in.
Emilia Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Is there a way I could suggest we speak over the phone instead? He seems to be rather stubborn about doing things his way and I'm concerned if I ask he will dig his heels in. Yes ask him to speak over the phone. Tell him you don't like important conversations in public. 2
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 This is the guy who's cancelled/rescheduled on you a few times, who's also made you feel not great about yourself, has a lot of baggage, including sexual baggage, and who has an STD, right? Be fearless and just end things with him. Call him and say it's not working out. You won't believe how freeing it is when you fearlessly remove yourself from a bad situation and plunge into the (initial) discomfort of being single of your own choice. 6
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 What have the problems been of late? Meaning, why were you on the verge of breaking things off? Maybe you could just call him and be like, "what'd you want to talk about?" In my vast experience as the dumper, Id much rather do it over the phone if possible, so I cant imagine he wouldnt jump at the chance to do that if given the opportunity. Or could it be something else he needs to talk about? I actually tried to do that already. I asked him if anything was wrong and what he wanted to talk about. And he snapped at me and said that no matter what he says to the contrary I will doubt his feelings for me. Then he demanded to know why I had asked him that and I ended up apologizing for asking. I still think he's going to end things. It's a long story but he was acting weird and cold the last time we were together. That's why I'm afraid to ask him if we can talk over the phone, because he's been snapping at my requests.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 This is the guy who's cancelled/rescheduled on you a few times, who's also made you feel not great about yourself, has a lot of baggage, including sexual baggage, and who has an STD, right? Be fearless and just end things with him. Call him and say it's not working out. You won't believe how freeing it is when you fearlessly remove yourself from a bad situation and plunge into the (initial) discomfort of being single of your own choice. Yeah. I'm actually considering doing that. I have a feeling he won't pick up if I call him, though. Everything needs to be "planned" in advance with him, even though he's fine with renegging when it comes to my plans. He will probably feel imposed on if I call him and won't answer the phone.
Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 This is the guy who's cancelled/rescheduled on you a few times, who's also made you feel not great about yourself, has a lot of baggage, including sexual baggage, and who has an STD, right? Be fearless and just end things with him. Call him and say it's not working out. You won't believe how freeing it is when you fearlessly remove yourself from a bad situation and plunge into the (initial) discomfort of being single of your own choice. This. Take control of the situation; don't let him steal your pride. This isn't the right guy for you, and you know it. You're holding on to hope, knowing that it's not there... 5
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Yeah. I'm actually considering doing that. I have a feeling he won't pick up if I call him, though. Everything needs to be "planned" in advance with him. He will probably feel imposed on if I call him. Ok, I hate having to resort to yelling, but STOP GIVING A **** WHAT HE FEELS. Good God, woman. He sounds like a loser. Send him a text, an email, a smoke signal, and just say, "Look, we aren't right for each other. We don't need to meet tomorrow night or anytime again in the future. I wish you the best." 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Should I just end things in a text?
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Should I just end things in a text? Yes. Stop thinking about it, stop analyzing it. Just do it.
Divasu Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He sent me one of those dreaded "we need to talk" texts, and we're meeting tomorrow night. Maybe he is having a Herpes outbreak and wants to talk about it? 4
salparadise Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I think you should call him with the intention of delivering the news proactively yourself over the phone. If he doesn't pick up leave him a message to call you back and put a reasonable deadline on it, like today. Then, if he hasn't called by the end of the day send him a text as Treasa's suggested, but without the "anytime again in the future". I don't think you need to be contentious about it (burning bridges makes for bad karma) but you do need to be assertive. Given the situation you'll feel a lot better about it that way. 2
salparadise Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Should I just end things in a text? No, not unless he's the biggest jerk on the planet and has really done you wrong. I think that's not the case, and you should take the high road, but at the same time be assertive. Just know in advance what you will say if he becomes belligerent on the phone if you do call. Breaking up by text message will say a lot more about your discretion than him, and you don't want to be that kind of person.
MidwestUSA Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Should I just end things in a text? Didn't he deliver the HSV news via text? If so, then I think this is perfectly acceptable. 2
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Then, if he hasn't called by the end of the day send him a text as Treasa's suggested, but without the "anytime again in the future". I don't think you need to be contentious about it (burning bridges makes for bad karma) but you do need to be assertive. It's not about burning bridges. It's about making it clear that she isn't going back to him or changing her mind. Burning a bridge would be, "Dude, you are SO ****ED UP. NO wonder your ex left you. You won't even show anyone your penis. I bet it's really messed up. Also, you suck at cunnilingus. Piss off." 1
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 She's worried about hurting him. She's putting his feelings ahead of hers. If she waits until she talks to him, she may change her mind about ending it. I think that, while having it over either way would be a relief for her, being rejected would hurt her. I think that her ending it would show her that you can leave a bad situation and you'll be ok, even if it seems scary. It's empowering. No one thinks this guy is the man of her dreams, so why not experiment with him? I know people aren't going to agree with me necessarily, but I think she should give it a shot and see how it goes and how it feels to just let go. 2
StanMusial Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Does he look like Brad Pitt or something? Why are you still involved?
Minneloa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 She's worried about hurting him. She's putting his feelings ahead of hers. If she waits until she talks to him, she may change her mind about ending it. I think that, while having it over either way would be a relief for her, being rejected would hurt her. I think that her ending it would show her that you can leave a bad situation and you'll be ok, even if it seems scary. It's empowering. No one thinks this guy is the man of her dreams, so why not experiment with him? I know people aren't going to agree with me necessarily, but I think she should give it a shot and see how it goes and how it feels to just let go. Totally agree with Treasa here. OP, this could be an excellent opportunity for you to assert yourself, rather than wait to be rejected. Since you feel, with good reasons, that this is not a good match, step up and call it off yourself. 3
salparadise Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 The way he acts towards you really irritates me. He sends a text "We need to talk" then jumps on your case for asking if something is wrong. I agree that sending that "we need to talk" text and then make her wait is highly inconsiderate, crass. Setting it up to dump her in public is worse. I agree that he's not a good fit, brash and inconsiderate. "___, I think its probably best that we not meet in person to talk. I've been thinking, and I think we are just looking for different things in a partner/relationship. I'd prefer we each just go our separate ways at this point. Good luck with all you do." Yup, something like that. I think it's just common courtesy to do it over the phone instead of by text, but if she tries to call and he won't pick up or call back in a reasonable amount of time, then it will be his fault that he got dumped by a text and there's a nice bit of allegory in that.
Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Still, even though it's for the best, I don't handle rejection well. Who cares if he rejects you? You have already rejected him in your mind and heart. Who cares if someone we don't want doesn't want us either? You just have to pull the trigger. 3
tbf Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Based on his actions and how he treats you, I'm really surprised you're still dating him. Call him and if he doesn't pick up, leave him the VM of "We need to talk. Call me." 4
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Based on his actions and how he treats you, I'm really surprised you're still dating him. Call him and if he doesn't pick up, leave him the VM of "We need to talk. Call me." I'm surprised too. I think it's because I feel like I've made a few mistakes while we've been dating. In part I think I pressured him too much for commitment. Things went south a couple of weeks ago when I asked him if we could be exclusive. He agreed but he was annoyed that I had brought it up because he felt that we had already discussed it the night before. Basically I had asked him the previous night and he had told me "well, I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment," which I found to be a bit evasive. I told him the next day I needed to clarify whether we could both agree not to see other people since I didn't feel comfortable getting more intimate without this understanding. He didn't get the distinction I was making and has been cold to me ever since. A couple of guy friends told me I was wrong to bring it up and that men hate to be pressured.
candie13 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 TC, if you're not comfortable to see him in a bar, then don't see him in a bar. See him in a park. Coffee place. Whatever makes you comfortable. Why are you giving him the power to decide? IMO, even if you say you don't want to hear the words, you still need closure. There's something irremediably freeing to hear someone say the words. And... yes, I do believe that the two of you actually need to talk. And you will have to overcome your fears, because, from what I've heard so far, you seem to prefer to break up with him than take a chance at believing him / his story / his feelings. If a person makes you doubt so much yourself, makes you doubt the time spent together, makes you feel insecure and in the end, makes you uncomfortable being with him, yes, you should break up. One of the first signs that a guy is good for you, is that you are happy, safe, even hopeful. Not only when you are together, but when you're on your own as well. I believe you should put your big girl pants, confront your fears and confront him. And not let him walk all over you. You choose the method. Personally, I feel that texts are for sissies. Real people have conversations. Listen. Communicate. And in the end, make decisions - together or separately. As Treasa put it before, you have a great opportunity to experience / grow. Up to you to take it or leave it... but you know what happens with the lessons not-learned... you get to experience the same sh*t over and over again, until you do learn . I say you're not in your 20's forever. Be smart and make better mistakes tomorrow, girl! 3
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 A couple of guy friends told me I was wrong to bring it up and that men hate to be pressured. It's perfectly fine to ask. If the guy gets pissy, and you want to be exclusive, break it off and find someone who will. I think their advice is to not try to change a guy, which is true. But you should certainly walk away from something you don't want.
Art_Critic Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Yes ask him to speak over the phone. Tell him you don't like important conversations in public. Yeah.. I agree.. and if you are thinking it is over anyhow then why waste time in a public place.. phone all the way.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 He just told me that he wants to delay meeting until next week. I responded that he's leaving me hanging in suspense and that if it's something upsetting I would rather discuss it now. He wrote back: "It's nothing bad I just wanted to talk about us!" This is bullsh*t. He is being so evasive. I have a commitment after work tonight but I might give him a call at 930 and leave a voice mail if he doesn't pick up. I can't call him now because we're both at work.
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