My EA turned PA story- need support

[affairaddict]

Hi. I am at present struggling with 4 days NC my choice, and want to tell you my story.

 

Mine started at work. I suppose a quick formed friendship really with a collegue i was a contractor on the road, i was in the office.

Started off with just chatting really, we got on well. Then the chat went to facebook, messages about work really, then somehow they started daily, all day, and progressed to our phones.

 

Within the first week I knew he was engaged with a child but didn't think we were having an affair then, didn't even know what an EA was.

 

Soon within the first 6 weeks we started seeing each other. He worked late shifts so could only see me after work. His partner would be in bed, but he would stay out with me for hours. we would just talk and talk and laugh. When I was with him I felt releif, safe, comforted warm, adjectives could go on forever. I felt shy when we were alone to a degree, the sexual tension was off the scale, but no one acknowledged it at this early point, but we both must have felt it.

 

When he came in to work, the tension was strong, i don't know if people noticed, i was so nervous but started to get off on the fact it was all secret and no body knew about our chats and meetings.

 

After 3 months of all this we finally kissed, and it was wonderful. He said it couldnt happen again it would ruin our friendship, this is when i knew about EA and said we are not friends, to which he agreed. At this point he told me he was getting married and we can't have more than friendship. This is the point i should have walked away but I didnt.

 

The contact got more and more frequent, our lives were shared in long texts, we opened up to each other. We still saw each other but were not physical. Our texts were half that of care and emotional and some sexual but he was never very sexual unless I intitated it they included what we would like to be doing with each other, or just talking about sex in general. His Fiancee became suspicious one day due to the amount of contact he was having with me on social networking site visably. He ignored me for 2 days which was not heard of, I panicked and asked him what was wrong why he wasnt talking to me, and he told me the above and that he needed distance. I was really hurt. I think we broke off for 9 days. He came back to me though, and said it had died down at home and he didn't want to stay away from me, I let him back like the fool I am.

 

After around 6 months, i met someone else, and I decided to end it with him. He said he respected my decision and for 4 weeks we did the NC thing. This relationship I had failed as I could stop thinking about MM and the guy wasn't right for me anyway. I can't remember how we rekindled, i think it was a poke on facebook something silly and there we were back. Each meeting each message was filled with tension , even a kiss on the cheek or a hug was arkward but at the same time sexually charged and a turn on.

 

When i say we talked a lot, im talking as soon as he left the house to as soon as he went to bed, texting all day every day. 12 hours. His whole time was spent with me. The only time he didn't contact me was when he was with her at home. That started to get to me. I becamse frustrated as I wanted him all the time. He would say all this contact and me was not affecting his home life at all, in fact he never said anything bad about his homelife, he is a proud man though and not one to say bad things about anything or anyone, whether this is the truth I do not know.

 

We started seeing each other more, but then he would let me down too. I wanted more, and he gave me 50 percent, oh i can't last minute, i have too much work on, can i meet you tomorrow? It caused angst, me hurt and let down, felt like it was always on his terms. I complained about it- he knew it upset me. He knew I loved him by this point.

 

The last time we saw each other was last week, in fact 3 times that week. I don't know how it happened after approaching a year of EA but the very last meet we kissed and were sexual. Not the whole way but it may aswell have been. My heart was beating out of my chest and he said his was too. I took this as a sign of his love for me, as i had the same physical reaction, but now i think he probably did not love me at all and was just excited sexually. I felt complete like all this love in one go, but then by the next day I felt cheap, it's so weird I can't explain the opposite of feelings I had running side by side.

 

I think the physical would have carried on as we made plans to see each other and discussed what had happened with elation.

However the very last plans I made with him he let me down and couldnt see me as planned and i know he lied to me about his reasons.

I was upset and realised that after being physical I had grown more and more attached and it was out of control. i didn't want to cry about him and feel the ups and downs anymore, I knew this was never going to lead anywhere. I had enough.

 

I angrily emailed him calling him a liar, and all this hurt came out about him putting me last, and told him never to contact me again And that I regret it all ironically i regret saying that more.

He did not respond, and I am now in my first few days of NC. I have blocked him on everything possible. I feel sad, I don't want him anymore but I crave him and want that high. It's like weening myself off this drug. I want him to be sorry and miss me but he just accepts it like I meant nothing.

 

I know NC is the best thing, but when will it get easier and I don't want to be dragged back in again.

[kamani]

I feel he used you. Anyway you allowed it and asked for it. He is not worth shedding tears for. Keep on NC. Avoid even the sight of him.

[affairaddict]

OK, I know I am going to get conflicting advice. It seems a bit much to talk every day all day for a year and meet up without sex for a year for him to use me. He was always there for me when I had a problem. And spoke to me in depth about his growing up, family problems and his life. We shared a lot, why bother? I understand when a man is in it purely for the sex and wants to use someone. It wasn't like that.

[affairaddict]

I always said I didn't want to be with him fully I suppose to cover my pride. He said towards the very end, just before the NC his feelings run very deep for me, but it cannot go any further as he is getting married in a year.He then said the classic If he wasn't with her things would certainly be different he would be with me, So this is another reason I walked away because it's just hopeless.

 

He wants to talk to me all day sharing his thoughts with me, and then go home to her. If I didn't stop it and we never got caught i have no doubt he would have tried to keep us both. He is insecure, unsure of himself, i know he loves the attention.

 

I cannot understand how anyone getting married very soon could be so attached and emotionally bonded but again even if he has love for me, or attachment, he prefers her, he wants to stay with her. I am not enough. I am only good as a part time love. And I have finally come to my senses that I can't be number two anymore, and blocking him from my life has been hard, but god i count my lucky stars I walked away at 1 year not 3, and she didnt find out about us.

[whichwayisup]

I feel he used you. Anyway you allowed it and asked for it. He is not worth shedding tears for. Keep on NC. Avoid even the sight of him.

 

I don't want him anymore but I crave him and want that high. It's like weening myself off this drug. I want him to be sorry and miss me but he just accepts it like I meant nothing.

 

Your words above in bold. You both used each other on some level. You got addicted to the affair dynamic, that roller coaster ride and how he made you feel. And yes, you are going through withdrawal...

 

Can't control what he thinks and feels, only thing you can control is yourself.

[affairaddict]

When i did the NC for 4 weeks before and it was EA i coped quite well, and didnt feel this bad, and since we were physical its like my need for him suddenly x 2000 and stupidly made me feel closer. I read that an EA turns PA is a recipe for disaster. waiting a whole year with all this tension and then BOOM your being physical with someone you love. I am so cross with myself for doing that.

[affairaddict]

def think he was doing the compartmental thing. He is messed up, bad childhood, parents had affairs were alcoholics, he is unemotional and doesnt show much affection by his own admission. He never cries so he says, inside i think he seeks extra validation and love as he doesn't love himself.

 

Mine story is similar, i think we saw something in each other perhaps. He rarely spoke about her, never said anything bad. Its like she didn't exist. He never complained about her, it wasn't the cliche my wife is bad she doesnt have sex with me. Thats why I beleive he was leading two lives.

 

I need to sit down with myself and ask myself why i put up with this for so long, so it does not happen again. Today has been really hard. :-(

[Praying4Peace]

First of all, I want you to congratulate yourself on being strong and self-assured enough to walk away on your own. This alone will help your healing tremendously and also impact how you'll see yourself (and how he will see you too...not that you should care too much).

 

I don't think that he was just using you for sex. I know that that type of relationship also happens in the world of affairs, but he is a human being with emotions (even if he is male ) and I'm sure that he cares about you and your well being and enjoyed his time and conversations with you.

 

That said- he also has deep feelings for his fiancee. You don't see this because obviously you aren't privy to his relationship at home and normal people don't have two things going at once. He has to figure out what he wants and there are a lot of considerations- emotional connection, history, promises, future plans, guilt (because he would totally screw her over to cheat and then break up with her), etc.....

 

I'm glad that you walked away because you can only control yourself, not him. Trust me, I know how you're feeling. That feeling you described of your chest feeling like your heart is crushed. I had a 15 month EA/PA that was intensely physical and emotional all at once and we were both married. I became increasingly unsatisfied and it got to be too much stress for both of us. We also didn't want to continue a relationship 'going nowhere'. He's reconnecting with his W and I am now D (as of today). I oftentimes feel full of despair, wondering if he even cared or more importantly if he STILL cares (I know he did). It just doesn't matter.

 

One more word of advice- you do not want someone who was in any way pressured, stressed or didn't get a chance to take their time to make a decision about who they want to be with. You will NEVER be happy that way and he'll always resent you if he loses that relationship because you didn't let go. He could leave her and come to you and then go back to her because 'you pushed him into it'. Yuck yuck yuck.

 

Take care of yourself and remember how awesome you are- keep your chin up and do nice things for yourself. If not him, there is someone out there who will see you're worth 100% of his time...but for now its enough that you know that you're worth more.

 

((HUGS))

 

ps- I feel bad for his GF not knowing all this. Even more so because they aren't married yet....

[affairaddict]

praying for peace thanks for you kind words. Im very emotional your post, but its good for me and always feel better after crying.

 

Because I see him as my close friend who knew me inside out and could finish my sentences, I am greiving the loss of my friend, and maybe down the line I will hate him or see him without rose tinted glasses, but I don't think he is proud of the affair, or his actions.

 

I think something is lacking there or amiss emotionally, but its not my business, at first I thought hes kidding himself he wants this marriage as hes having an affair with me, but im slowly realising he loves her and wants to marry her, regardless of any affair, and therefore I do not want to come clean to her, and ruin his life,and hers, as to do that would be against my moral compass, and they have been together nearly ten years on and off. I think just to go quietly now and let him realise what hes done, and maybe he will be a better husband to be now and she will be none the wiser.

 

I am flitting between angry with him and crying mainly that I will never speak to him again, and i wish we said goodbye in a nice way not with me going crazy at him full of hatred. (hurt). But I am not bitter or vengeful and have never been jealous or hated the BS.

[Comfortable]

I'll disagree with some of the posts that said the MM was using her. He wasn't using her. He was in just as deep emotionally as she was.

 

You have to keep NC forever. You can never be friends and something little like talking or texting will put you really far back in healing. The "drug" takes a long time to wear off. But if you keep with NC things will slowly get easier. It was a great start to block him from everything.

[affairaddict]

was scared to block him in case i hurt his feelings, but i know he will know why im doing it. I had to do it, he was liking and favouriting things on social networks after I had initiated NC last week- anything just to reach out and say I am here, knowing his name is going to flash up my phone.

 

I know he can't bear the silence but its not my problem anymore and I also am 99 percent sure he thinks its not permenant as I've had strops before and NC and we've reunited. But I am deadly serious this time.

[ComingInHot]

Have you considered telling his fiance so she doesn't commit her life to a cheating man without prior knowledge?

Or do you think she may have a pretty good idea.

I don't know chicks. Whole thing sounds like a whole lot of yuck...

[affairaddict]

i do not see it as my obligation to tell her or my business. I don't know her, we have never met. I don't feel like I owe her anything, or the truth.

 

she has asked about me before and as he never said anything bad or spoke ill of her, i only got a gist that she found me a threat and thought he spoke to me too much PUBLICALLY on social networking. I pushed and he told me that She also went to his mother and said I think he is having an affair with this girl. And it was his mum who mentioned it to him and broached the subject. That is all i was ever told. He also said she never asked that he stop talking to me and I have not been metioned between them both.

 

Putting all that together and assuming here, but i would say she is not strong of charachter and would side with him over the affair, and not leave him. so therefore i do not see the point.

[ComingInHot]

Then I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry his Fiance will not be given the truth by anyone to go into this M commitment w/her eyes open.

Peace darlin'