IS IT Better late Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Just need to vent again as I still can't get my life back together yet and end this pain. We had a great 4-months together before she started to go cold on me. I liked her as much as I've ever like any girl before. She had everything I wanted, smart, good looking, funny, interesting, good family. She wanted to get close to me, she was putting in the effort. We were having a great time together everything was going well. And then in a matter of 2-weeks she gets distant, goes cold, cancels plans. Her words and actions aren't congruent. I start to chase b/c I feel her slipping away, I make mistakes. It ends, I'm left destroyed, don't understand what happend? Was it another guy? Did I mess up? Was it her personality? So I beat myself up over and over thinking how I could've played it cooler. Not let her distance affect me. It's been over for more than 2-months, trying to stay NC it's very difficult b/c I want to talk to her more than any other person in the world. Never got any solid reasons, just BS as to why. All we did was have fun together, never a fight, whenever I talk to ppl about it nobody gets it. I'm just left here to pick up my pieces. I was once whole and happy, now I'm just a shred of my former self!
mutant Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 It's quite difficult to figure out why a relationship ended especially when everything seemed okay. Its also very difficult to get an ex to honestly tell you why they ended it. In my experience its futile to try and seek answers to these questions. All you can do is to take stock of that relationship, identify your mistakes and work towards making yourself better. So far you have done great with NC..keep up. IMHO 4 months isn't much time and I can guarantee you will get better if you concentrate your efforts on the right things.
Author IS IT Better late Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Thanks for the reply Mutant. I haven't done great with NC, we were in contact off an on since the BU. Just texting, but its been 11 days NC and its really tough. Every time a text comes in I'm still wishing its her. I know I can't contact her anymore b/c it's not good for me. But the silence is killing me too! She wasn't firm with the BU, she gave me mixed signals afterwards that I held onto. But did she get in her car and come see me, nope. Just played with my emotions. Now I just dream about what was once a realty a few months ago.
McGriff Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 IIBL, I know how ya feel man. The mixed signals are tough, and frustrating. Mine had me in her bed cuddling last week! And now we are back to nothing, just sporadic contact. Ugh....I'm definitely moving in the right direction though. I know you're hurting, keep doing things with friends and staying busy.
Author IS IT Better late Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 McGriff, at least you got to see her again. I'm not sure if I ever will. I have all these fantasy scenarios that play out in my head about meeting up with her again and stuff I'd like to tell her. But will it ever happen? I guess only god knows.
StraylightRun24 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Just need to vent again as I still can't get my life back together yet and end this pain. We had a great 4-months together before she started to go cold on me. I liked her as much as I've ever like any girl before. She had everything I wanted, smart, good looking, funny, interesting, good family. She wanted to get close to me, she was putting in the effort. We were having a great time together everything was going well. And then in a matter of 2-weeks she gets distant, goes cold, cancels plans. Her words and actions aren't congruent. I start to chase b/c I feel her slipping away, I make mistakes. It ends, I'm left destroyed, don't understand what happend? Was it another guy? Did I mess up? Was it her personality? So I beat myself up over and over thinking how I could've played it cooler. Not let her distance affect me. It's been over for more than 2-months, trying to stay NC it's very difficult b/c I want to talk to her more than any other person in the world. Never got any solid reasons, just BS as to why. All we did was have fun together, never a fight, whenever I talk to ppl about it nobody gets it. I'm just left here to pick up my pieces. I was once whole and happy, now I'm just a shred of my former self! Our stories sound very similar. 4 months of fun/laughs then literally out of no where I'm being dumped. She didn't even get distant....hell 3 days before she was spending the night with me on Christmas Eve. The only advice I can give you is try not to over-analyze the BU. Sadly sometimes we just aren't the person they are looking for. It can be for a number of reasons, but too be completely honest in the end it doesn't even matter. Also try not to beat yourself up too much. I'm guilty of doing this and it gets me absolutely nowhere. As long as you did your best during the relationship you have nothing to beat yourself up over.
siankat Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I've been in that situation too and i think it's a mixture of things.. Some people have different intentions going in that they don't share. People are not always that open about what they feel. I do however try and give common courtesy to whomever i have dated in order to end it in the nicest most respectful way. However if it's been a casual thing i am sometimes more 'nice' than 'honest' as some people cannot handle the honesty e.g. one day i looked at you and you reminded me of someone sleazy i once had the misfortune of meeting. That's a trivial example but a dumpable one. Emm....it all goes back to the same thing...if you are not good enough for them, they are not good enough for you. Simples
Author IS IT Better late Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Straylight, tell me more about your situation if you could? Have you stayed NC since then? Are you still in touch with her? What were her reasons?
StraylightRun24 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Here's my break-up story from back in January when I signed up for LS buddy. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/369938-broken-up-because-lack-spark The BU obviously hit me out of nowhere. I consider myself a pretty observant guy and I was absolutely floored. As you can read in my previous thread it looked like things were going great between us and then seemingly out of nowhere she's saying she lacked the ever elusive "spark." The only time I have broken NC was that last phone conversation we had a couple of days later after the BU and she was the one who initiated it with a text of, "Straylight, are you ok? I'm sorry and I'm worried about you. Do you want to talk?" Since that last call, as I believe I stated in the former thread, I asked her not to contact me because I take a long time to get over things and I would prefer not to put up a false pretense that I was alright being just her friend. It might be harsh but I told her I didn't enter into a relationship with her for just another friend.....I already have enough of those. So besides the occasional slip of looking at her FB (I never defriended or blocked her which probably was a mistake) during the first few weeks and then a slip here and there over the last few months I have remained NC. As I stated in my initial response to you, much like yourself I love to over analyze things so I've come up with a few ideas why she ended things with me. Maybe it was the upcoming move across the country so why continue with something that seemed it was becoming more serious than she might have intended and save us both a little heartache down the road? Maybe it was her previous BF who she works directly with? They were in an open relationship before I came into the picture and maybe she decided she missed him more than she thought she would? Or maybe she was just telling me the god damn awful truth that even though I'm a great guy I just wasn't what she was looking for in someone she could see having a potential future with.....
Author IS IT Better late Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Stray, Thanks for the response! That's a tough pill to swallow. After 4-months she doesn't feel the spark? I know within a date or two if I feel the spark for someone. How can she go along for 4-months with no "spark". Who knows the real truth. What's scary similar is that when I hung out with my chick and you hung out with yours they seemed to be having a great time! It felt like chemistry mentally and physically. Who did the pursuing in the early weeks? I know in my case she was coming after me. So the fact she did a 180 on me caught me off guard like you. We had a few more weeks together but I couldnt turn it around, it was like she had made up her mind already and plus I made the mistake of chasing her which prob pushed her away further. Our finally phone convo she said " a relationship isn't a prioriryt" and to "walk away from her". But 2- days later she was texting me.
StraylightRun24 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Stray, Thanks for the response! That's a tough pill to swallow. After 4-months she doesn't feel the spark? I know within a date or two if I feel the spark for someone. How can she go along for 4-months with no "spark". Who knows the real truth. What's scary similar is that when I hung out with my chick and you hung out with yours they seemed to be having a great time! It felt like chemistry mentally and physically. Who did the pursuing in the early weeks? I know in my case she was coming after me. So the fact she did a 180 on me caught me off guard like you. We had a few more weeks together but I couldnt turn it around, it was like she had made up her mind already and plus I made the mistake of chasing her which prob pushed her away further. Our finally phone convo she said " a relationship isn't a prioriryt" and to "walk away from her". But 2- days later she was texting me. That's exactly what I said to her the last time we spoke! I said, " I was under the impression the spark is what we felt during our first few dates....and that's why I continued to want to go out on dates and get to know you." She basically summed that up to the initial excitement of dating someone new. She actually was the one who pursued me initially. After our first date and hitting it off really well I was the one who reached out for the next couple of dates, but after that she was texting me on days she told me she was busy asking if I wanted to grab something to eat or asking if I wanted to get together and cook dinner together. Weird how our stories are very similar! Are we sure it isn't the same girl?!?!
Author IS IT Better late Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 I have a feeling there's more than 1 crazy broad out there lol. How old was your girl btw? Just curious, mine was 29. I think she was Bull s*iting you about initial excitement. IMO there is no initial excitement if you don't feel a spark right away. I'm telling you bro there was something she wasn't telling yout, but I guess it doesn't matter now. After analyzing my situation a 1,000 times after it ended I noticed things that she said and did that don't add up. And caught her in outright lie. I didn't see all this stuff when I was in the middle of it. The hardest part for me now is acceptance. I still miss her terribly and I wake up every morning upset that I lost her. Angry, Sad and hard for me to focus on doing what I need to do in my life. Do you feel similar?
StraylightRun24 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I have a feeling there's more than 1 crazy broad out there lol. How old was your girl btw? Just curious, mine was 29. I think she was Bull s*iting you about initial excitement. IMO there is no initial excitement if you don't feel a spark right away. I'm telling you bro there was something she wasn't telling yout, but I guess it doesn't matter now. After analyzing my situation a 1,000 times after it ended I noticed things that she said and did that don't add up. And caught her in outright lie. I didn't see all this stuff when I was in the middle of it. The hardest part for me now is acceptance. I still miss her terribly and I wake up every morning upset that I lost her. Angry, Sad and hard for me to focus on doing what I need to do in my life. Do you feel similar? Coincidence? She will be 29 at the end of the month. Are you absolutely sure we aren't talking about the same girl?!?! Yea I'd have to agree with you about her BSing me about the initial excitement. Like I said above maybe it was her impending move 3000 miles away (she did tell me a couple weeks before the BU that she felt guilty entering into a relationship with me when she knew we had an expiration date because long distance just wasn't going to work) or maybe she realized the former BF who she saw 5 days a week at her job (more then she saw me!) was actually more suitable for her? Much like you said in the end it really doesn't matter though. All that does is that it's over. Much like you I am guilty of playing things over in my head hundreds of times and I'm still quite baffled. If you don't mind me asking what was the lie you caught her in? I feel exactly like that IS IT Better late. I won't lie it has gotten better since the BU in December, but I spend way too much of my days thinking of her and of the past. I'm angry that I didn't see the BU coming and that I waited 28 years to completely give my heart to someone and actually had the stupid notion that all the previous heartache were leading me to this point and her. I'm sad that I lost someone who became my best friend so quickly, scared I won't meet someone as intelligent and fun as her again, and so on.
Author IS IT Better late Posted May 1, 2013 Author Posted May 1, 2013 Ha, well it's not the same chick b/c this girl is already 29 and will be 30 later this year. Wheeww lol Even though she's not that young she has a certain immaturity when it comes to dating and relationships. It's almost like she's 23 or so, not looking to settle down and is still all about herself and her schooling and career. Which is fine but she puts relationships 2nd IMO. Towards the last few weeks as I've said she spent less and less time with me. So about 3-weeks before the end she got out of work on Saturday Eve around 10 and told me her and her female coworker went for a drink at a local restaurant near where they work. But about a week later I asked her about her coworkers shift hours and she told me she usually finishes about 2am. So how was she with her female coworker at 11pm if this person usually works to 2? I remember texting her that night to meet up and she said she couldnt b/c she was with this female co worker and she was the driver. I don't have any proof but it doesn't add up. Prob a dude with her? I didn't even put 2 and 2 together at that point.
StraylightRun24 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Ha, well it's not the same chick b/c this girl is already 29 and will be 30 later this year. Wheeww lol Even though she's not that young she has a certain immaturity when it comes to dating and relationships. It's almost like she's 23 or so, not looking to settle down and is still all about herself and her schooling and career. Which is fine but she puts relationships 2nd IMO. Towards the last few weeks as I've said she spent less and less time with me. So about 3-weeks before the end she got out of work on Saturday Eve around 10 and told me her and her female coworker went for a drink at a local restaurant near where they work. But about a week later I asked her about her coworkers shift hours and she told me she usually finishes about 2am. So how was she with her female coworker at 11pm if this person usually works to 2? I remember texting her that night to meet up and she said she couldnt b/c she was with this female co worker and she was the driver. I don't have any proof but it doesn't add up. Prob a dude with her? I didn't even put 2 and 2 together at that point. I'm going to be a major hypocrite here (but that's not going to stop me ) but I really believe you are over analyzing here. I'm not saying she wasn't out with a dude because anything is possible, but maybe her co-worker just got earlier than usual and they actually did go out for a drink. I'm only saying this because I also do the same thing. I have a ridiculously good memory when it comes to something/someone I take an interest in and I've replayed things my ex said to me over and over in my head trying to figure this whole thing out, but honestly there isn't much to figure out besides the fact that in the end for whatever reason she thought it was better to end things between us.
Recommended Posts