Thoughts on the One-Year Mark?

[SensitiveTJ]

Hi everyone. I've chosen to post here in the M+LP section rather than the dating because I suspect this section is (slightly:p) more mature, from what I have seen. I would appreciate commentary from persons who have also been in longer-term relationships.

 

 

I'm 26, male, always been a relationship-oriented guy. I just celebrated the one-year anniversary with my current girlfriend, which was quite lovely. We have a happy and stable thing going, and for the present I am the happiest I have ever been as an adult. I've had the same bumps and bruises as most in the dating game, but this relationship has been great.

 

 

Now, I have heard it said, both on this forum and elsewhere, that after being with a person for one year, you should have something of an idea as to whether or not there is a possibility of building a permanent future with them. I'm interested in what the good forumites of Loveshack think about this subject.

 

What should be happening at the one-year mark? What do you think?

[Mr. Lucky]

How old is your GF? Are you both career launched? Marriage/kids on your to do list?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SensitiveTJ]

How old is your GF? Are you both career launched? Marriage/kids on your to do list?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'll be happy to answer all of those questions. I'm 26, she is 21. It's her first relationship. I am finishing up my Master's degree, she is in community college. Marriage and family are definitely on my list, and I think on hers too, but not in the near future.

 

One of the reasons I'm concerned at this point in time is because while overall, I am satisfied with out relationship, we do have some differences which make me concerned about the future. To me it seems like after one year it's time to consider these things.

[melodymatters]

Well nothing NEEDS to happen. This isn't some magic Cinderella story, BUT if these potential problems are one's that don't matter much while dating, but might matter a LOT if combining lives, than yes, I DO think maybe it's time to revisit these subjects and see if you are on the same page.

 

What ARE some of these differences if you don't mind sharing ? We " mature view point" advisors need more details !

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, I have heard it said, both on this forum and elsewhere, that after being with a person for one year, you should have something of an idea as to whether or not there is a possibility of building a permanent future with them.

I think you're both too young - her especially - and too early in your adult life to be thinking about permanency. Very few people that settle down and marry when they're 30 say "I wish I'd done this sooner". And yet the reverse is often true. Both of you should be focused on school and enjoying your 20's. Everything else will come in time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nyla]

Hi everyone. I've chosen to post here in the M+LP section rather than the dating because I suspect this section is (slightly:p) more mature, from what I have seen. I would appreciate commentary from persons who have also been in longer-term relationships.

 

 

I'm 26, male, always been a relationship-oriented guy. I just celebrated the one-year anniversary with my current girlfriend, which was quite lovely. We have a happy and stable thing going, and for the present I am the happiest I have ever been as an adult. I've had the same bumps and bruises as most in the dating game, but this relationship has been great.

 

 

Now, I have heard it said, both on this forum and elsewhere, that after being with a person for one year, you should have something of an idea as to whether or not there is a possibility of building a permanent future with them. I'm interested in what the good forumites of Loveshack think about this subject.

 

What should be happening at the one-year mark? What do you think?

 

Don't think about what "should" be happening at the one year mark. Every relationship and every couple is different. I agree that you should have an idea of what kind of person your partner is, but everyone needs to take their own time in deciding to marry whomever they are dating.

 

My husband and I were engaged after 20 months and we moved in together at 18 months. My husband took 18 months to know that I was the one. I knew after six months but of course I didn't say that to my husband as it was too early. Some people thought that being engaged at less than two years of dating was too quick, but my husband was 36. He was old enough to know what he wanted.

 

I was 28 and I had been through far more than most people my age had endured. I was ready to settle down and stop dating. We've been married almost three years and I don't miss the single life.

 

Your girlfriend is too young to get married and you are still young yourself. Wait four more years and see how you have worked out the issues by then.

[SensitiveTJ]

Thanks for the feedback so far guys. Before we go any further, I should make it clear that no one is planning on getting married soon. That's still far in the future, no matter who I'm dating. I suppose what I was hoping to do was discuss some of the things I'm concerned about to determine whether it's fair to continue this relationship. As I alluded to earlier, there are certain things that worry me when I picture the two of us another year, two, or 5. I believe Melody asked for the details,so here they are:

 

Positive Relationship Traits:

 

-We get along extraordinarily well. I can truly say she is my best friend and vice versa. We always enjoy seeing one another and spending time. Our relationship dynamic is very successful; we are very comfortable sharing ideas and thoughts, and then I lead the way while she follows. This works for us, as I am more extroverted and she introverted.

 

-Loyalty/Honesty. We have absolute trust in one another. There has never been any gameplaying or drama between us. We are both laid-back, easygoing people. And since we all know how difficult that is to find, I do appreciate it.

 

-Supportive. We have each other's backs at all times. I went through a lot of drama with my ex, which would have caused most girls to bail quick, and I wouldn't blame them. She stayed with me through court, restraining orders, etc. Likewise, I have been supportive through my girl's medical problems, family flareups, etc. Bottom line, we stand together through everything.

 

-Similar values/culture. We both come from stable, intact families with almost identical backgrounds. We share similar basic life beliefs and perspectives.

[SensitiveTJ]

Negative Relationship Traits:

 

-Education/Sophistication. Relatively speaking, we are something of a mismatch intellectually. I was an A student all my young life, she pulled C and D grades. I finished undergrad in three years, she is working on her two-year associates' at community college and is reticent to even consider further schooling. As I mentioned earlier, I am currently working on my M.A. in secondary education. The gap in our understanding of the world sometimes makes things awkward. When we watch the news, I have to explain almost everything that happens. I read three newspapers a day, she has never read a book cover to cover in her life. I listen to Vivaldi, she listen to Lady Gaga. We are something of an odd couple this way. The problem is, I sometimes feel disappointed that she is not a little more well-rounded intellectually, and I know that isn't healthy. It's not good to resent your partner for not being something you want.

 

-Career Aspirations. On a somewhat related note, is the subject of future careers. I'm not a super ambitious person, but I do have some goals. I want to rise through the teaching ranks to administration. I have thoughts of running my own business; either a BBQ restaurant or a private gym. I know that my girlfriend would be supportive, and that's certainly something I praise her for. Now, because my girlfriend is only 21 years old, I don't expect her to know exactly what she wants to do with her life. But when I try to start that conversation with her, I really get no answers at all. She doesn't want to continue going to school. She has been working at the same retail job for 5 years, with no plans of moving on. She enjoys baking cakes and other sweets, but I'm not sure what kind of career opportunities that can provide. I would not describe my girlfriend as a hard-working or devoted person. Not a slam on her, but it's the truth.

 

-Future Family/Intimacy. Both of us have agreed that we would like to have kids and a family in the future. However, what gives me pause is that before we started dating, she confided to me that she was very unsure about how she felt about family and motherhood. I'm not sure if her changed opinion is entirely solid, or if she is just caught up in the good feelings of her first relationship. Either way, sometimes I wonder what kind of mother she would be. She has a tendency to not handle stress well, become easily overwhelmed emotionally, and be self-absorbed in daily life. None of those things are terrible in and of themselves, and I am perfectly comfortable being the "rock" between the two of us, but adding children to any dynamic changes things. She seems to have something of an obsession with raising "well-behaved" children, but honestly I sometimes suspect she only focuses on that so it's less work on her, haha.

Our intimate life is rather average. Again, I am willing to give something of a pass here, as this is her first sexual relationship. But lately our frequency has been going down and part of it has to to do with a lack of interest on my part, mainly because I'm thinking about all the things I've typed here today. I'm not feeling especially connected as of late.

[SensitiveTJ]

I know I've typed a ton, lol. Bottom line, what I'm considering in my own mind is whether I should continue this relationship, and see where it progresses, or bow out and go in some other direction. I love my girlfriend and I would appreciate some opinions as to whether some of the "negatives" I posted are workable. Obviously we've been together for one year, I think it's time to consider the whole of what's going on, from a relationship perspective. All opinions are welcome.

[Nyla]

Negative Relationship Traits:

 

-Education/Sophistication. Relatively speaking, we are something of a mismatch intellectually. I was an A student all my young life, she pulled C and D grades. I finished undergrad in three years, she is working on her two-year associates' at community college and is reticent to even consider further schooling. As I mentioned earlier, I am currently working on my M.A. in secondary education. The gap in our understanding of the world sometimes makes things awkward. When we watch the news, I have to explain almost everything that happens. I read three newspapers a day, she has never read a book cover to cover in her life. I listen to Vivaldi, she listen to Lady Gaga. We are something of an odd couple this way. The problem is, I sometimes feel disappointed that she is not a little more well-rounded intellectually, and I know that isn't healthy. It's not good to resent your partner for not being something you want.

 

-Career Aspirations. On a somewhat related note, is the subject of future careers. I'm not a super ambitious person, but I do have some goals. I want to rise through the teaching ranks to administration. I have thoughts of running my own business; either a BBQ restaurant or a private gym. I know that my girlfriend would be supportive, and that's certainly something I praise her for. Now, because my girlfriend is only 21 years old, I don't expect her to know exactly what she wants to do with her life. But when I try to start that conversation with her, I really get no answers at all. She doesn't want to continue going to school. She has been working at the same retail job for 5 years, with no plans of moving on. She enjoys baking cakes and other sweets, but I'm not sure what kind of career opportunities that can provide. I would not describe my girlfriend as a hard-working or devoted person. Not a slam on her, but it's the truth.

 

-Future Family/Intimacy. Both of us have agreed that we would like to have kids and a family in the future. However, what gives me pause is that before we started dating, she confided to me that she was very unsure about how she felt about family and motherhood. I'm not sure if her changed opinion is entirely solid, or if she is just caught up in the good feelings of her first relationship. Either way, sometimes I wonder what kind of mother she would be. She has a tendency to not handle stress well, become easily overwhelmed emotionally, and be self-absorbed in daily life. None of those things are terrible in and of themselves, and I am perfectly comfortable being the "rock" between the two of us, but adding children to any dynamic changes things. She seems to have something of an obsession with raising "well-behaved" children, but honestly I sometimes suspect she only focuses on that so it's less work on her, haha.

Our intimate life is rather average. Again, I am willing to give something of a pass here, as this is her first sexual relationship. But lately our frequency has been going down and part of it has to to do with a lack of interest on my part, mainly because I'm thinking about all the things I've typed here today. I'm not feeling especially connected as of late.

 

It sounds like you think your girlfriend is beneath you, because she isn't as educated or cultured as you are. This does not bode well for a future together as it is hard to respect someone that you look down on for not being as sophisticated or bright. I know you may tell me that you don't look down on your girlfriend, but your words make it very obvious.

 

Sometimes couples with different education levels can work out, if the less educated partner has some of the same interests as the more learned partner.

 

She is only 21 years old; It is very normal for someone at that age to not know what they want to do with their life, especially if they are still finishing college.Sometimes people even change careers later in life and that has nothing to do with their work ethic. If you cannot handle being at a later stage of life, you may want to stick with dating women your age or older. If she enjoys baking, she can become a pastry chef. I don't know if that would be good enough for your expectations, but at least she would be doing something she enjoys.

 

Most people aren't good in bed during their first sexual relationship. It is because sex is new to them and they are just discovering their bodies, along with their partner's. I think you need to manage your expectations where sex is concerned, if your girlfriend was a virgin when you met her. Your girlfriend's feelings about motherhood will likely change as she matures and gains more perspective; it is very rare for a woman not to want children and I say this as a 30 year old childfree woman.

 

You have two choices: You can cut your girlfriend some slack and wait for her to mature or you can cut your losses and go find a woman who is your equal in the ways you have mentioned. She is not ready to get married and I don't think she is the right woman for you, based on what you have posted.

 

I dated an older man who said that he wanted someone more financially set when we broke up. I was 24 years old and attending university; it was normal for a woman in my situation to be rather poor. He thought he was so great because he owned a home and a car, but what he didn't realize is that I was light years ahead of him intellectually. I outsmarted him whenever we argued.

[SensitiveTJ]

It sounds like you think your girlfriend is beneath you, because she isn't as educated or cultured as you are. This does not bode well for a future together as it is hard to respect someone that you look down on for not being as sophisticated or bright. I know you may tell me that you don't look down on your girlfriend, but your words make it very obvious.

 

Sometimes couples with different education levels can work out, if the less educated partner has some of the same interests as the more learned partner.

 

She is only 21 years old; It is very normal for someone at that age to not know what they want to do with their life, especially if they are still finishing college.Sometimes people even change careers later in life and that has nothing to do with their work ethic. If you cannot handle being at a later stage of life, you may want to stick with dating women your age or older. If she enjoys baking, she can become a pastry chef. I don't know if that would be good enough for your expectations, but at least she would be doing something she enjoys.

 

Most people aren't good in bed during their first sexual relationship. It is because sex is new to them and they are just discovering their bodies, along with their partner's. I think you need to manage your expectations where sex is concerned, if your girlfriend was a virgin when you met her. Your girlfriend's feelings about motherhood will likely change as she matures and gains more perspective; it is very rare for a woman not to want children and I say this as a 30 year old childfree woman.

 

You have two choices: You can cut your girlfriend some slack and wait for her to mature or you can cut your losses and go find a woman who is your equal in the ways you have mentioned. She is not ready to get married and I don't think she is the right woman for you, based on what you have posted. I dated an older man who said that he wanted someone more financially set when we broke up. I was 24 years old and attending university; it was normal for a woman in my situation to be rather poor. He thought he was so great because he owned a home and a car, but what he didn't realize is that I was light years ahead of him intellectually. I outsmarted him whenever we argued.

 

Hi Nyla, thank you for your comments. I'll answer briefly since I am typing on a mobile phone.

 

1) I didn't want to come across as pretentious or that I look down on anyone, but I can see how that may have happened. It's not my intention to belittle anyone for a lack of sophistication, but sometimes it is a bit dissapointing. There have been times where my girlfriend has displayed a close-minded attitude which I find upsetting. For example, she was raised in a fairly rural environment. It's like pulling teeth to get her to go to any kind of town or city. She describes any place which doesn't have farm animals and tractors outside as "ghetto." Any setting with non-white ethnic groups is intimidating to her. Basicslly, she would prefer not to interact with anyone outside her small, homogenous rural home. Sometimes, her lack of knowledge about basic people and places is just weird. She once asked me if Greenwich was a "ghetto place." I mean, come on. Both of us have lived in Connecticut all of our lives. I guess I'm simply frustrated bevause I have always been intetested in learning new things and meeting new people, and she simply isn't.

 

2) You're right that pastry chef would be a fine occupation, but she has told me that she is not interested in going to school for it, and also she has no desire to work in a restaurant. I'm perplexed as to why she is pursuing a degree in Restaurant Management if she doesn't want to work in one. I'm just not sure what her goals and aspirations are, career wise. She's the youngest child and the only girl; I'm not sure her family has ever pushed her to seriously consider careers.

 

3) Sex is really a secondary problem, at this point. I would be an ass to criticize her in the bedroom, as I have been her only teacher. What I am saying is that my desire and emotional connection are waning due to the other factors I am struggling with.

[Nyla]

Hi Nyla, thank you for your comments. I'll answer briefly since I am typing on a mobile phone.

 

1) I didn't want to come across as pretentious or that I look down on anyone, but I can see how that may have happened. It's not my intention to belittle anyone for a lack of sophistication, but sometimes it is a bit dissapointing. There have been times where my girlfriend has displayed a close-minded attitude which I find upsetting. For example, she was raised in a fairly rural environment. It's like pulling teeth to get her to go to any kind of town or city. She describes any place which doesn't have farm animals and tractors outside as "ghetto." Any setting with non-white ethnic groups is intimidating to her. Basicslly, she would prefer not to interact with anyone outside her small, homogenous rural home. Sometimes, her lack of knowledge about basic people and places is just weird. She once asked me if Greenwich was a "ghetto place." I mean, come on. Both of us have lived in Connecticut all of our lives. I guess I'm simply frustrated bevause I have always been intetested in learning new things and meeting new people, and she simply isn't.

 

2) You're right that pastry chef would be a fine occupation, but she has told me that she is not interested in going to school for it, and also she has no desire to work in a restaurant. I'm perplexed as to why she is pursuing a degree in Restaurant Management if she doesn't want to work in one. I'm just not sure what her goals and aspirations are, career wise. She's the youngest child and the only girl; I'm not sure her family has ever pushed her to seriously consider careers.

 

3) Sex is really a secondary problem, at this point. I would be an ass to criticize her in the bedroom, as I have been her only teacher. What I am saying is that my desire and emotional connection are waning due to the other factors I am struggling with.

 

I must say that I appreciate how polite you are being. You come across as a gentleman.

 

My husband also grew up in a rural area where there are only whites. However, he lived in a large city before we met and moved to this city because of a work transfer. My husband is white and I am black. His family is very sheltered and I have noticed that I am a novelty to them. I can understand how the small town mentally can be annoying.

 

Even if a person has less education than their partner, curiousity about new things and being an avid reader can bridge the gap. I agree that since your girlfriend doesn't have those qualities, it is hard to relate to someone who doesn't even care to learn more.

 

It is silly to study Restaurant Management if one doesn't want to work in a restaurant! Perhaps your girlfriend just picked a subject without thinking about it.

 

I know you love your girlfriend, but it doesn't appear that you are compatible for many reasons.

[SensitiveTJ]

I must say that I appreciate how polite you are being. You come across as a gentleman.

 

My husband also grew up in a rural area where there are only whites. However, he lived in a large city before we met and moved to this city because of a work transfer. My husband is white and I am black. His family is very sheltered and I have noticed that I am a novelty to them. I can understand how the small town mentally can be annoying.

 

Even if a person has less education than their partner, curiousity about new things and being an avid reader can bridge the gap. I agree that since your girlfriend doesn't have those qualities, it is hard to relate to someone who doesn't even care to learn more.

 

It is silly to study Restaurant Management if one doesn't want to work in a restaurant! Perhaps your girlfriend just picked a subject without thinking about it.

 

I know you love your girlfriend, but it doesn't appear that you are compatible for many reasons.

 

I think your analysis is correct. We don't seem compatible in certain key areas. It's just difficult for me to consider ending it because on a day-to-day basis, there isn't anything wrong at all. It works great for us, and she is a fantastic girlfriend, the best I've ever had. I don't think she will understand why I might want to break it off. But then again, it's hard for me to see moving past the dating stage with someone who is so socially and intellectually stunted. I think trying to raise children with such a person would really frustrate me, and be confusing for the kids. So it's kind of like, the present is great, but the future is quite cloudy.

 

Does anyone think there is any chance for improvement here or is just a match doomed to end someday?

[melodymatters]

This is a hard one ! I think the fact that you are having so many doubts is a negative sign. When one is head over heels in love the things you mentioned don't seem to matter. My H and I have been married a year and a half, have almost nothing in common but our hearts still leap at the sight of each other.

 

I wouldn't take any drastic measure, just keep your eyes, ears and heart tuned to your gut and try and figure out what you really feel deep down. I think we usually DO know the answers we seek if we allow ourselves to be truly honest with ourselves.

[Charlene78]

Now, I have heard it said, both on this forum and elsewhere, that after being with a person for one year, you should have something of an idea as to whether or not there is a possibility of building a permanent future with them. I'm interested in what the good forumites of Loveshack think about this subject.

 

I've heard it said that this is around the two or three year mark, because most relationships that end, end around that time.

[SensitiveTJ]

You know, with all due respect, she's still a kid. That's the bottom line. And an inexperienced one, at that.

 

I keep reading on these boards about guys who are with gals who were virgins when they met. While men always seem to want to be the ones who peeled away the plastic wrapping off the untouched women they're with, the downside to that is eventually they start criticizing how lackluster the sex is.

 

And lastly, you keep saying you want to have kids - yet you're goal oriented. That would mean that your girlfriend would be the one in charge of their care at least 90% of the time. It's funny how you men all want a career-oriented woman to help bring home the bacon but at the same time, expect her to be super mom as well. And no, playing with the kids while your wife makes dinner (after working full time at her goal oriented job) or giving them their bath so she can do two loads of laundry and clean up AFTER dinner does NOT mean you're doing 50% of the child rearing).

 

What you and most men don't seem to get is that women have to work TWO jobs - a job outside the home, and another one inside the home.

 

Maybe you need to go out and find yourself a Stepford Woman - one who's goal oriented, a sexual dynamo in bed, is as intellectual as you, brings home a 6 figure salary AND is Super Mom - all rolled into one.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Hi JAP, thanks for replying. To address your points:

 

1) I haven't criticized my sex life at all in this thread. My sex life is good, probably far better than many men dating an inexperienced woman. I give my girlfriend a lot of credit for developing her sexuality and intimate persona, so no complaints there. The point I made was that sometimes my desire for sex wanes because I don't feel an intellectual connection with my girlfriend.

 

2) We have never discussed child-rearing strategies, expected marital income, or division of household labor. We don't live together and it's too soon to discuss any of the other topics. So the Stepford wife comments may be slightly premature.