How does one know "when they are ready" for a new relationship?

April 30, 2013

For those of you who have followed my past 12 months, commented and provided feedback, I ended the relationship about 5 weeks ago. It was VERY difficult to do.

It's been my plan since to just be friends with woman. This is something I have never done really, be friends with a single attractive woman. It always leads to sex and/or a relationship.

One of my female friends made a move on me, reached over to kiss me in the car, after we had a few drinks at a bar. I did not respond, but later that same night did. We talked about it, agreed we were both OK with it (no sex, just kissing and touching), though I have not seen her since (3 weeks ago) and she is now dating someone. We still text "how are you doing" kind of stuff. I am OK with that as I do not want to date her. She is also 12 years younger than me.

There is another girl I have been hanging out with who I have known for 4+ years. More of an acquantance until recently. She dated one of my friends 2+ years ago and that is how I met her. She re-entered my life about the time I was trying to figure out if and how to end my 12 month relationship. The timing was strange. I saw her 2 weeks in a row when out with a buddy at a restaurant. She announced she was taking a break from dating then so I thought "cool, I can hang out with her". She invited me to go hang out with her, which I have been doing, more outdoorsy kind of stuff, though we have had dinner together once, we have met her friends out 3-4 times, I have been to dinner at her friends house 2 times, and she came over this weekend to hang out. No romance.

I always thought she was very attractive, but never saw myself dating her or being attracted to her. The past few times we have met though it has felt different. I really like this woman and I am very attracted to her, physically and otherwise. We have a similar past, we share a lot in common, etc. I enjoy being around her.

She has other male friends she talks about so I cannot tell if I am in her friend zone or not. I "think" she has said things to imply she is very attracted to me and I catch her looking at me in social/group settings.

I announced to her that I was taking a break from dating too when we first started hanging out.

The attraction kind of snuck up on me though, surprised me if you will. Part of me wants to "make a move on her", part of me does not as I really enjoy her friendship.

So how does one know when they are ready to move on? Everyone says "take time, heal, work on yourself", which I feel like I am doing. And honestly in my 12 month relationship I was emotionally detaching for a long time. I do miss her, and I do still think about her, but it was not a good relationship for me and I feel healthier than ever now. She has been pretty strong. I received a few texts from her last week stating it's been difficult for her, unlike no other breakup, and she hopes we can be friends and see each other in the future. She wanted to meet but I told her No. That was tough to hear.

And should I share how I am feeling with my friend? Or just go with it and be friends for now? It's usually her asking me to do things. I feel a little uncomfortable asking her to do things, like she will feel I am persuing her. I was surprised this weekend when she told me she would come over to my house to meet (we were going somewhere) as we usually meet up. I was a little anxious with her in my house as I wanted to grab her, hug her and kiss her! She looked incredible.

I have talked to her about me last relationship, she has given me good advice, advice that helped me to end it.

I know, I am a little all over the place. Just wondering how one "knows", how one "works on themselves" (I am reading some self help books and seeing a psychologist) and if I should take a next step with my friend or just leave it where it is.

Thanks

May 1, 2013

Since this post she has invited me to meet her out with her friends Friday night and she has asked me about getting together this weekend.

Do I say no? I enjoy her company and we have fun together, just so happens I am also attracted to her.

May 1, 2013

I think the main concern about getting involved again very soon after a breakup is that you'll eventually realize you never fully dealt with the breakup emotions and got strong again, and you'll have to at some point. It's not easy to do that when you're involved with a new person. So it can compromise the foundation and potential for longevity of the new relationship, because it makes them the rebound.

But not every relationship is meant to last forever.

You could keep seeing the new woman and evaluating how you feel about it.

May 1, 2013

Thanks Ruby, good advise, as always!

I am hesitant to ask her to do things; I kind of wait for her to ask me. Not sure why I am doing that...I think it's because I do not want her to see me as persuing her plus I am not sure if it's wise to go fast with her, as I do agree with what you said. But then I think, why not? Make a move, see if she responds, maybe I am ready. We have both announced we are taking a break from dating too.

The trick for me is when does one know they have emotionally healed? And, what do I do in the interim with my time besides hang out with my buddies? I am "announcing" to my friends and woman that I meet that I am taking a break from dating. Strangely, this seems to attract more woman to me!

I don't see her as a rebound as I have been out with other woman, as friends, since the breakup. I have slept with another woman too, really just to see how I felt, and, after a few times, I stopped with her as it did not feel right. Though I think it had more to do with her than the breakup.

And the break was very amicable, we talked, we shared, we said our goodbyes. THAT was a first for me.

Edited May 1, 2013 by Babolat

May 1, 2013

I'm not sure how one knows when they're truly healed and ready to move on. I feel that the amount of time it's taken me to really get over breakups has varied quite a bit - from months to years even.

I think if you feel like spending time with women and you're being honest about what's going on, there's no problem. I've had periods where I wanted nothing to do with men romantically, and other periods when it's given me a huge boost and been just what I wanted.

I'm back together with my conservative guy - and very happy about it - but after I broke up with him, I went on a few dates about a month later. Honestly, I didn't feel totally "ready", but hell if I was going to sit around the house feeling blue. I felt I needed to get out there again and have some fun. I didn't have sex or anything during that time - because deep down, I hoped he would come back. And he did

But it sounds like you've definitely moved on, and I see nothing wrong with what you're doing.

May 2, 2013

Ruby, congrats to you, that is good to hear. I am curious to hear what changed and why it's working now.

regster, are you suggesting I should share how I am feeling with her? That I am feeling "more than friends?"

May 2, 2013

Hey, Babolat. The whole reunion story starts here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/365254-i-broke-up-conservative-guy-4.html#post4746833

I am happy. As always, I remain aware that anything can happen - but I feel the force is very strong with this one

May 6, 2013

I was supposed to hang out with my female friend on Friday night but that fell thru. We ended up doing some outdoorsy stuff on Saturday that afterwards turned into dinner and watching a band until 11PM. Almost 10 hours together, and it was nice. She even gave me a small gift. We talked about some of her past relationships, some of mine, life stuff, etc.

She then invited me to a concert with her and some of her friends last night, which I went to. There was another guy friend in the group. I noticed she "hung back" with me while walking, and we walked close, and we sat next to each other at the concert. On a few occassions she grabbed my arm and rubbed it, asking if I was cold. I almost caught myself grabbing her hand to hold it, which is not like me even in a relationship.

So I am not sure where I "fit" in her friendship world, and honestly I am not sure where she fits in mine. I really like our friendship, it's new to me, though I am very attracted to her physically and I am "checking her out". I am not asking her to do things, she reaches out to me. Not sure why I am not.

To add fuel to the mix, I ran into the ex today, we ended up talking for 2 hours, a very good talk, and it was really nice to see her and see that I can still be around her.

May 6, 2013

I'm kind of in the same boat right now. Been broken up for about 2 months, went on a few dates. I found myself wishing it was my ex sitting with me and I felt guilty after each date. Made me realize maybe I'm not ready yet.

But then I think, when will I ever be completely over my ex? Part of me thinks that dating someone else will help me get my mind off of it and will be the catalyst for moving on. I don't know, emotions are rough sometimes. Never been dumped, always been the dumper and I was already over it by then.

May 6, 2013

Hi crederer, I think it's ok for you to date, just not get into anything serious right now, and let the folks you are dating know you are not looking for a serious relationship right now.

I do notice each week it gets better and I feel emotionally stronger. Hanging out with my female friend is helping I know, and maybe it's not the right thing to do, though in some ways I feel it is. We enjoy each others company, no romance, our friendship is growing, and who knows, I could be helping her too.

May 7, 2013

You're ready for another relationship just as soon as you don't need another relationship.

Guys, you'll get over your exes. Trust me.

I strongly believe that no one should ever be actively looking for a relationship. If you're looking for a relationship then you are willing to bend rules and overlook flaws in a person to accommodate that need, and thats going to lead to problems in the long run.

You should view dating (if you wish to date) as something fun but expect - and ideally want nothing more from it than that. You should go out with your friends as much as possible, keep yourself busy etc.

You'll go from:

Thinking about her every day, missing the things you used to do (overlooking the bad stuff of course), not knowing what to do with yourself, contacting her, thinking you need her back, comparing every girl to her

to

Thinking about her a lot, becoming more comfortable being single and getting something of a routine, dating getting more fun - appreciating women for who they are, beginning to recognise the bad times you had as well as the good

to

Thinking about her from time to time but no longer wanting her back, comfortable & happy single, don't even need to date to be happy, healthy social life, self respect, etc etc.

After this last stage you'll probably be ready for another relationship. People say it takes half the time you were together to get over someone. Thats bull - it varies. It took me 2 months to get over someone I was with for 2 years, and 6 months to get over someone I was with for 5 months. Go figure. But basically when you're happy with yourself, you don't want her back and you aren't relying on cheap dates for happiness - thats when you're ready. You're ready just as soon as you no longer need a relationship to get by.

Well said, I am at #3 with the girl I broke up with 6 weeks ago, we dated for 12 months. I saw her yesterday for the first time since I broke up with her, we talked for about 2 hours, it was nice, good to see her, though I have no desire to see her again.

May 7, 2013

When your troublesome() ex leaves town, never to come back!

Freedom!!!!

My apologies....feeling a little weird lately. My response was not helpful, I know.

Edited May 7, 2013 by soccerrprp

May 7, 2013

You're ready for another relationship just as soon as you don't need another relationship.

Guys, you'll get over your exes. Trust me.

I strongly believe that no one should ever be actively looking for a relationship. If you're looking for a relationship then you are willing to bend rules and overlook flaws in a person to accommodate that need, and thats going to lead to problems in the long run.

You should view dating (if you wish to date) as something fun but expect - and ideally want nothing more from it than that. You should go out with your friends as much as possible, keep yourself busy etc.

I agree with your comment and understand the message, though if you are not looking, how do you date or find a partner? For example, I feel pretty good right now. I enjoy being with my friends, I have made some females friends I am doing things with, I am not afraid to be alone, I do not miss my ex.

I do miss intimacy, affection and the companionship of a woman though. So, at some point I would think I would be "looking"; meaning I ask a woman out or let her know I am interested.

Hope that makes sense.

May 7, 2013

I agree with your comment and understand the message, though if you are not looking, how do you date or find a partner? For example, I feel pretty good right now. I enjoy being with my friends, I have made some females friends I am doing things with, I am not afraid to be alone, I do not miss my ex.

I do miss intimacy, affection and the companionship of a woman though. So, at some point I would think I would be "looking"; meaning I ask a woman out or let her know I am interested.

Hope that makes sense.

Yes, this makes sense.

I think what Babolat is saying that one shouldn't try to artificially create conditions that may lead one to becoming enchanted with the idea of a relationship. This often happens when someone is wanting a relationship so much that they create more of a fantasy in the hopes of making it work out and maintain whatever relationship that exists at that moment.

Do that and one tends to put the other on a pedestal, overlook flaws, become clingy, desperate, etc.

Date to find companionship, to enjoy the company of another and let the relationship part come "naturally" (whatever that means). Don't force anything, don't concoct anything, just enjoy one another, be attentive and let it go where it will.

May 9, 2013

Yes, this makes sense.

I think what Babolat is saying that one shouldn't try to artificially create conditions that may lead one to becoming enchanted with the idea of a relationship. This often happens when someone is wanting a relationship so much that they create more of a fantasy in the hopes of making it work out and maintain whatever relationship that exists at that moment.

Do that and one tends to put the other on a pedestal, overlook flaws, become clingy, desperate, etc.

Date to find companionship, to enjoy the company of another and let the relationship part come "naturally" (whatever that means). Don't force anything, don't concoct anything, just enjoy one another, be attentive and let it go where it will.

Well said! I have been guilty of putting a woman ona pedestal, seeing but overlooking red flags/flaws/differences, feeling needy, etc. For the first time, maybe in my entire life, I am letting myself feel those feelings, and I am listening to myself. I am learning to "be still" and feel and listen and not rush into something. It feels VERY good.

May 13, 2013

So I spent another weekend with my female friend. I am discoering we have a lot in common regarding our dating experiences and the types of partners we end up with. I am also really starting to like her, as a person, and of course I am becoming more and more attracted to her. I find myself wanting to hold her, grab ger hand, even kiss her, but I don't.

Friday we met some of her friends at an outdoor concert than went to to a local club and watched a band. Saturday night we went to a concert with the same group. We all met close and she ended up walking to my car and asked if she could ride with me to the venue. She had a skirt on and I could nto resist checking her legs out! She rode back with her friends as it was out of the way for me to take her back to her car. It was nice to be in my car with her though. Sunday we did some outdoorsy stuff and ended up talking about relationships, life, and stuff, which was nice. We never had a next plan when we leave though somehow we end up spending the weekend together again.

It's mostly in groups, with her friends, who I like, though in those groups she does pair off with me. She continues to tell me she does not want to be in a relationship right now. I cannot tell if I am getting "interest" vibes or not, I think I am. I am cautious to initiate a text conversation to invite her out to do something for that reason.

Part of me just wants to tell her how I am starting to feel, be honset with her, and let her repsond/decide. I do not want to lose her friendship as I like being around her. As soon as I see her I feel warm, happy, she puts a smile on my face.

Edited May 13, 2013 by Babolat

May 13, 2013

Aside from the obvious emotional stuff, there are practical things you have to do before deciding you're ready for a new R.

Get rid of anything you still have that reminds you of your ex... give it away, sell it, or throw it out. Pay off all your bills. Sort all your paperwork and recycle what you don't need. If you have collections (CDs, stamps, etc) organize them. Go through your wardrobe; get rid of clothes that don't make you look sharp. But some new clothes if you have to. Clean up your living space. Join a meetup group. Figure out which things stress you out, and avoid them. Have a yard sale. You'll feel like a whole new person when you're done.

May 13, 2013

Aside from the obvious emotional stuff, there are practical things you have to do before deciding you're ready for a new R.

Get rid of anything you still have that reminds you of your ex... give it away, sell it, or throw it out. Pay off all your bills. Sort all your paperwork and recycle what you don't need. If you have collections (CDs, stamps, etc) organize them. Go through your wardrobe; get rid of clothes that don't make you look sharp. But some new clothes if you have to. Clean up your living space. Join a meetup group. Figure out which things stress you out, and avoid them. Have a yard sale. You'll feel like a whole new person when you're done.

Thanks, all of that has been done. There really wasn't a lot of that stuff to do from the last relationship. I am in a few meetups, going out, meeting people, having fun and the like.

I am starting to feel whole again; friends and family have commented on the same.

I am simply wondering should I "make a move" if you will on my female friend, like reach out, touch her, hug her, try to kiss her, etc...of course if the timing is right. At one of the concerts she was standing in front of me and I wanted to put my arms around her, or on her shoulders...though I did not.

Or, should I tell her how I am starting to feel? Or should I just keep it friends? Or, should I wait for her? I do feel like she has given me hints, though not many, though she does tell me she is taking a break from dating, and i tell her the same as it's what I wanted to do 7+ weeks ago when we started hanging out. I am not looking to meet someone new or date somone...it's just kind of happened with her, unexpectedly.

And, the more we talk, the more I am thinking "wow, she has almost everything I want in a partner, without all the drama I have had from others". And this is new to me...being friends, getting to know someone without the sex and the dating...Of course, it could feel this way now because we are not dating.....

May 13, 2013

It sounds to me like you are ready.

She already sounds much better than your last one.

May 13, 2013

I agree with your comment and understand the message, though if you are not looking, how do you date or find a partner? For example, I feel pretty good right now. I enjoy being with my friends, I have made some females friends I am doing things with, I am not afraid to be alone, I do not miss my ex.

I do miss intimacy, affection and the companionship of a woman though. So, at some point I would think I would be "looking"; meaning I ask a woman out or let her know I am interested.

Hope that makes sense.

I feel it is impossible not to miss intimacy when you have been in an intimate relationship......i think you can channel that missing somewhere else.......an dyou can have happiness without intimate relations...but...eventually if you truly enjoyed the confines of a relationship and all the joys of a relationship you will seek another one.....with someone else......when you are healed.......when you feel ready ...you will know,........and it wont be on another's advice...you will just know you are ready...if you feel ready ask the woman out.......and see where it goes....because you have said you are taking a break from dating....it will most likely have to be you who does the asking....i dont think its a mistake for you to get to know someone if the break up was amiable..........deb

May 14, 2013

I feel it is impossible not to miss intimacy when you have been in an intimate relationship......i think you can channel that missing somewhere else.......an dyou can have happiness without intimate relations...but...eventually if you truly enjoyed the confines of a relationship and all the joys of a relationship you will seek another one.....with someone else......when you are healed.......when you feel ready ...you will know,........and it wont be on another's advice...you will just know you are ready...if you feel ready ask the woman out.......and see where it goes....because you have said you are taking a break from dating....it will most likely have to be you who does the asking....i dont think its a mistake for you to get to know someone if the break up was amiable..........deb

The breakup was amiable. She still wants to be friends, says she can't imagine me not being in her life and that she misses our talks and my advice. I am struggling a bit with that. I reply to her texts, which come every 3-4 days; it's not like she is texting me or contacting me all the time. She admits she needs to move on but is having a difficult time doing so; not our relationship (she acknowledges it had to end), but having me in her life as a friend. I do still care about her as a person.

I am enjoying getting to know this other woman without dating. She is definitely someone I could date. We have a lot in common and we share a lot of the same views/values. I am still hesitant to invite her to do something..perhaps I am afraid she will say No. I wait for her to, which is usually every weekend now.

May 14, 2013

So how does one know when they are ready to move on?

It's a bit like being in love. You just know. If you have to ask or question it then you're not.

When the thought enters your head as "I'm ready!" and not as "Am I ready?" then you're ready. Good luck.

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How does one know "when they are ready" for a new relationship?

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