allicakes Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Ive been dating my boyfriend for several months and things have been going great. We became very close fairly quickly and thus far he's treated me better than anyone else I've dated. He was very open about the fact that he cares about me immensely and that he thinks our relationship is amazing, we mesh well together and so on...but for the past week and a half or so I've felt like he's ever so subtly pushing me away. Now I'm not an overbearing girlfriend by any means, and we aren't constantly together or anything like that. But I can feel him putting back up some of the walls that he had when we FIRST met...he texts me ever so slightly less during the day, he doesn't have quite as much open, honest enthusiasm as he first did. It just feels like he has this guard up that he didn't have quite as much before. NOTHING has happened to bring this on, we have only had one fight the course of our relationship thus far and it was early on and has since been resolved. Two days ago, we had a few drinks which I'm sure loosened his tongue a bit, and somehow the conversation ended up with us talking about his baggage, and he mentioned that he is aware that he has emotional walls up. I said I had noticed, and I think he could tell I was pretty upset by the fact that he keeps me at a distance, so later on in the night he brought it up and told me that he wanted to make sure I knew that he cared about me more than anything even if he has a hard time showing it. He told me that he's told multiple people that he sees himself with me for a long time...that he can see himself with me indefinitely...and that he has thought I might be the one for him. At this point he was fairly drunk i think and he seemed to be getting a little emotional..I'm just not sure what to think. I'm confused--- I care about him so much, but I don't know if I should believe what he says. Edited April 30, 2013 by allicakes
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Pull back, become a lot more invested in your life, and give him tons of space. Either he'll sort it out and start becoming more attentive again, or you'll realize you don't want to keep doing this, and move on. Either way, it's not a reflection on you, and it's not your job to deal with his baggage. That's on him. 3
Author allicakes Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 My theory on this is that since we have started to become closer, he's not comfortable with those emotions and therefore is pulling away. I could be wrong..but it's the only thing that even semi-makes sense to me. Either way, I think giving him space is the right idea. But what does that entail? Should I ignore his phone calls? Always let him be the one to propose plans with me? Should I turn down plans with him? I work overnights so i normally spend time with him every Friday and Saturday and then maybe one weekday...Is that excessive?
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 My theory on this is that since we have started to become closer, he's not comfortable with those emotions and therefore is pulling away. I could be wrong..but it's the only thing that even semi-makes sense to me. Either way, I think giving him space is the right idea. But what does that entail? Should I ignore his phone calls? Always let him be the one to propose plans with me? Should I turn down plans with him? I work overnights so i normally spend time with him every Friday and Saturday and then maybe one weekday...Is that excessive? I wouldn't say ignore his phone calls, but it also wouldn't hurt if you did more things without him. You might naturally miss a couple of his calls. I don't always have my phone on me when I'm doing things. Don't think about it too hard. Just focus on your own life more.
Author allicakes Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I wouldn't say ignore his phone calls, but it also wouldn't hurt if you did more things without him. You might naturally miss a couple of his calls. I don't always have my phone on me when I'm doing things. Don't think about it too hard. Just focus on your own life more. thanks <3 it's harder than it sounds not to think about it and to act normal...but I'm trying my hardest. -_-
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 thanks <3 it's harder than it sounds not to think about it and to act normal...but I'm trying my hardest. -_- Fake it til you make it, girl. 2
Steph321 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 My boyfriend of almost a year sounds very similar to this, so I have been through what you are going through a few times throughout our relationship. As hard as this may be, the best thing you can do is remain content and happy with your own life and your own friends. Keep yourself busy and give him space. Don't panic and smother him.. it will only push him away. If and when he comes back around, give him love and support just like you always have and don't make him feel bad for pushing you away. This will build trust amongst the two of you which is one of the most important things you can have in a relationship. Especially with a man who has walls up. 1
Author allicakes Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 My boyfriend of almost a year sounds very similar to this, so I have been through what you are going through a few times throughout our relationship. As hard as this may be, the best thing you can do is remain content and happy with your own life and your own friends. Keep yourself busy and give him space. Don't panic and smother him.. it will only push him away. If and when he comes back around, give him love and support just like you always have and don't make him feel bad for pushing you away. This will build trust amongst the two of you which is one of the most important things you can have in a relationship. Especially with a man who has walls up. I almost feel like something like this is a good test for a person and your strength of character. Even though it's not an ideal situation, I think being strong enough and independent enough not to need constant affirmation of his feelings for me might help me to grow a bit in the long run, as silly as that may sound. I think I know deep down how much he cares about me...I hope that's enough for me to go on for a while.
FlyerFan54 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Although as a guy I've never personally done this, I've seen this happen to a few close friends of mine. Part of the reason this happens is because the honeymoon period is over. It's nothing against you. Guys get scared too, and can't process everything. They start thinking too much about the past, and wonder how it will effect their future. My advice will be like everyone else's. You need to go do things with your friends and let him have some space. An emotional guy is like a dog backing into a corner...they'll start to snap if they get pushed too far (not that you're doing so, it's an emotional reference). Take some time for yourself and get some space from each other. After a while he will come around once he's ironed out the wrinkles in his mind. 1
Author allicakes Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Although as a guy I've never personally done this, I've seen this happen to a few close friends of mine. Part of the reason this happens is because the honeymoon period is over. It's nothing against you. Guys get scared too, and can't process everything. They start thinking too much about the past, and wonder how it will effect their future. My advice will be like everyone else's. You need to go do things with your friends and let him have some space. An emotional guy is like a dog backing into a corner...they'll start to snap if they get pushed too far (not that you're doing so, it's an emotional reference). Take some time for yourself and get some space from each other. After a while he will come around once he's ironed out the wrinkles in his mind. This is very true...I've started letting him do the initiating...He needs to call/text me first, as well as suggest plans. I'm perfectly fine not constantly being with him, it's nice to have time to myself. it would just be nice to have a little reassurance once in awhile that he's actually into me as he says he is. It seems like a guy who can "See himself" with a girl would try to show her his feelings. But I guess i'll have to do without that for now.
curlygirl40 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Treasa speaks the truth. Sometimes men need distance to sort out their feelings so they will put some space between you. If a guy does that, you need to give him his space and then some. Because if he's doing that to sort out his feelings and you fill that time with unnecessary chatter, he won't have time to think and he'll probably pull further away. It's that 'let him go and if he comes back to you...' thing. What you need to do is mirror his actions and no more. Don't game play but if he calls, call him back. If he texts, text him back. If he asks to see you, say yes. Don't push or try to have these 'where are we' conversations. Give him some room. Google 'men are like rubber bands' and see what you find. Lots of information. Can't say for sure that's what your guy is doing, but pulling back some yourself and giving it time will probably help make it pretty clear. Good luck 1
todreaminblue Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Ive been dating my boyfriend for several months and things have been going great. We became very close fairly quickly and thus far he's treated me better than anyone else I've dated. He was very open about the fact that he cares about me immensely and that he thinks our relationship is amazing, we mesh well together and so on...but for the past week and a half or so I've felt like he's ever so subtly pushing me away. Now I'm not an overbearing girlfriend by any means, and we aren't constantly together or anything like that. But I can feel him putting back up some of the walls that he had when we FIRST met...he texts me ever so slightly less during the day, he doesn't have quite as much open, honest enthusiasm as he first did. It just feels like he has this guard up that he didn't have quite as much before. NOTHING has happened to bring this on, we have only had one fight the course of our relationship thus far and it was early on and has since been resolved. Two days ago, we had a few drinks which I'm sure loosened his tongue a bit, and somehow the conversation ended up with us talking about his baggage, and he mentioned that he is aware that he has emotional walls up. I said I had noticed, and I think he could tell I was pretty upset by the fact that he keeps me at a distance, so later on in the night he brought it up and told me that he wanted to make sure I knew that he cared about me more than anything even if he has a hard time showing it. He told me that he's told multiple people that he sees himself with me for a long time...that he can see himself with me indefinitely...and that he has thought I might be the one for him. At this point he was fairly drunk i think and he seemed to be getting a little emotional..I'm just not sure what to think. I'm confused--- I care about him so much, but I don't know if I should believe what he says. soemtimes when i get close to someone and i am so happy......i worry that its about to go south.....and ill pull back........because getting hurt when you are happy and content...hurts more than when you are expecting to behurt......that is hwy the walls go up ...it is self defense...give him time....dont pull back yourself. but allow him some room to move and gain confidence that it is going to be alright......just be the person he loves to be with...dont change anything about you...it is him....that needs to do something...not you..just be open and honest...and be and do what you normally do..because eh wants to be with you and that is you exactly as you are......in my opinion which may or may not be right.....deb
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) This is very true...I've started letting him do the initiating...He needs to call/text me first, as well as suggest plans. I'm perfectly fine not constantly being with him, it's nice to have time to myself. it would just be nice to have a little reassurance once in awhile that he's actually into me as he says he is. It seems like a guy who can "See himself" with a girl would try to show her his feelings. But I guess i'll have to do without that for now. Ugh, I hate to be so cynical but you are right. What the other poster said about men being like rubber bands does not apply to a girl he is very into. It took me a long time to figure this out, but dating should not be this hard. When a guy is into you, he acts like it. When I have dated guys that really liked me, I didnt have to post threads here and second guess myself. It was so easy with them. Unless you have psychological problems, if you feel a guy isnt into you then he isnt! Men are actually simple creatures. The problem is women's egos, insecurities and feelings cause us to make excuses for a guy who doesnt act like he is into us. Have you ever read the book "Hes Just Not That Into You"? You should. The message is the truth. I have dated guys that had commitment problems with past girlfriends of theirs and they never showed it to me very much because they were very into me. Im sad to say this, but I dont think your guy is that into you. Actions speak louder than words. If he doesnt ACT like he likes you he doesnt. Time to stop making excuses for him. Women do this way too much. I wish I had figured all of this out years ago!!! I could have saved myself so much time and heartache. Edited May 1, 2013 by pbjbear
2sunny Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 Emotionally - I can't see this as a match. If you or he need to change to make the other happy - the emotional level will always be off.
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