How to make vampires go away

[Radu]

TM made an interesting post in another thread :

 

She's an emotional leech/vampire.

 

Look it up - they drain your emotional life-blood, invade your every thought and dominate your energy until they sap it.

 

There is a remedy, a 'silver bullet', a 'stake through the heart'.....

 

Positivity.

 

Counter every depressing negative thing they say, with an equally (and more so) UPLIFTING and POSITIVE thing about you.

 

Then immediately change the subject to what you want to talk about.

 

I've 'killed' two emotional vampires this way.

 

God, it feels good to see them drop out of your life!

 

And they do this themselves - they extract themselves, because they can't stand the bright light!!

 

 

So i'm curious, how do you guys make emotional vampires go away ?

Examples pls, many examples ... i work very well with examples and anecdotes.

 

There is another cathegory of ppl i find annoying to deal with.

I think they are called hoovers, but i'll describe the behaviour so you better understand.

They are the type of ppl who are sweet and honey to you, even give you little gifts [used her card to get me into the subway for instance, a total of 33cents expenditure] with the motivation that money is something they happily share when they have it; after a while they start telling you about their troubles and always leave an awkward silence where you are supposed to say [as a man] 'sure i'll help you, have this'.

If it doesn't come, or you try to change topic, they make sure to say in the next topic about how money to them generally does not matter so that's why they share it when they got it.

They tend to seem extroverts when you deal with them, they will try to set up something to do together.

So how do you deal with these ppl, without cutting them out of your life completely ?

[Divasu]

Oh poo. I really thought this thread was about vampires. I have a fantastic garlic and holy water recipe I was going to share.

 

I read this book a while back.

 

Demons be gone!

[TaraMaiden]

It's a story, so grab a coffee.....

 

I once worked with a really nice guy with whom I really clicked. We shared a similar sense of humour and we became great working pals. To tick off another idiot in the office, we even fuelled a rumour that we were having an affair, in spite of both being engaged - we were most assuredly NOT! - and we remained good friends even after we both moved on from the company.

 

His GF was gorgeous. Long flowing hair, quirky sense of humour but quite shy.... I too had my H, and we regularly met up as a foursome to go to the movies, go bowling, have dinner together, either out or at each others' places....

I had my eldest daughter, and I asked them to be God-Parents.

They politely declined (which I completely understood) because they could not be hypocrites and stand up in a church they never went to, and promise to a god they didn't believe in, that they would do the job...

But they did elect to be Chief Honorary Pixie (him) and fairy Godmother (her). We eve made her a wand... it was all good fun and generally lovely...

 

Time passed and it transpired that she was unable to have children, which was a blow to them, but they immediately opted for adoption, and eventually they found the most glorious little baby boy.

 

This is when things began to get bizarre....

We went round, invited for lunch one day, and she takes me into the kitchen, and no sooner is the door closed, that she begins to ask me how my H and I manage to have such a good relationship. We were so connected, we communicated well, we obviously loved each other and our daughter - how had we achieved this?

I was kinda taken aback by this - it was so direct, sudden and 'in your face'... But I didn't need to really ask what the problem was....

 

I don't know why, but they seemed to have transformed into 'old-minded' people. And i don't mean to be unkind to the elderly, but they were the epitome of an old, bitter and disillusioned couple. They bickered and picked on one another at the table - in front of their son. She had cut her hair really short and honestly looked like someone out of a 50's movie... he had lost his humour, had no spark and was a completely different person.

Then later that day, it transpired they'd both 'found God' and were regular members of a local congregation.

No problem - except they were behaving in a decidedly ungodly way, and all I could see was a sham, a front, a cover-up. Something to fill a gap.

 

Well, over the years, she wrote to me regularly. And every time she wrote, her letters were completely "woe is me".

She never had good news; the dog was sick, her little boy was sick, her pet rabbit was sick, her dad was sick, her rabbit died, her dog needed an op., and as for her relationship with her H. Jeesh.... she never had a good word to say about him...he lost his job, he'd had a pay cut, it was all disastrous....

I tried to be supportive.

I did my best to comfort her, offer advice, counsel and a willing shoulder.... but the more I supported, the more profound her personal issues became.

After a while, I noticed that all my H and I ever did, was to talk about 'them'. They consumed our every discussion, as we sought ways to resolve their problems, and find ways around issues to seek possible solutions....

I had sleepless nights, thinking about them....

 

Then one day, it snapped.

 

We had invited them to come to my daughter's 6th birthday party.

In fact, my daughter was so excited to have her 'Fairy Godparents' coming, that she awoke at around 5am wanting to get up and dressed, get ready and greet them....

When her birthday card from them arrived in the post, it was to announce that they would not be coming that day as her H. had been made redundant, she wasn't feeling well, the dog had fleas and her little Boy had fallen over and cut his knee, and the car needed a service, it was raining and god knows what else she added.... (I forget all of the reasons - but I just knew I'd had enough.)

She had not written this long tale of personal woe in a separate note, included with the card. She had actually written it IN the card - to my daughter. A 6-year-old doesn't need a depressive wailing lamentation in her birthday card!

 

I was furious.

And here came the silver bullet/stake through the heart:

 

I wrote back.

I immediately sat down at my PC/Word processor, and typed her a letter.

 

This letter was the most up-beat thing I have ever written.

I stated initially that I was sorry to hear about all their cares and woes - but my H had just been promoted, my daughter had received some lovely presents and cards, she was doing marvellously at school, I had begun a new job, the dog was great, the garden was great, we were all doing wonderfully and we were all swimmingly happy.

 

I -

 

Never -

 

heard -

 

from -

 

her -

 

AGAIN.

 

Never once.

 

No birthday card for my H (his b'day was a month after my daughter's) no Christmas card, nothing.

Zilch.

They fell off the edge of the planet.

 

The second 'vampire' was a woman I had been working for, (I'll call her D) who set up a business partnership with her fiancé, but in spite of their not being totally happy with one another - they married.

 

And almost immediately, she plunged into an affair.

I became her confidante, but no matter what I said to her, no matter how I tried to counsel her, no matter what I advised - she would do the opposite.

 

This is too crazy to be made up....

She rekindled a relationship she had previously enjoyed with a Muslim guy from Baghdad. (this was in 1992 - anyone remember what Baghdad must have been like then?? )

She left her H., and went there, and decided to convert to Islam.

All seemed wonderful for a week -

She then had a bout of thrush (too much sex, frankly!) and he threw her out of the house, refused to speak to her, and apparently branded her a prostitute to his family..

She returned heart-broken to the UK, and I never heard the end of it - depressing doesn't cover it....

Then, she fell in love with a groundsman who worked for the local authorities - he maintained the graveyards in the town (!) and she would regularly meet up with him and have sex in the most bizarre places - but he refused to leave his wife.

 

Again, she became the all-consuming topic between my H and me. She would turn up on our doorstep, unannounced, and spend the day with us talking about all her problems.... she even once invaded a social gathering we held at our house - barging in crying her eyes out and ruining the atmosphere... it was a nightmare...

 

Again, this all came to a head, when, one evening, my H and I decided to go out for a meal together, on our own (this was the first time in about a year - after i had my second child - things aren't always easy to engineer with two young children) and I happened to tell her we were going out - first time in ages! So excited! Looking forward to it, hadn't done this in such a long time....!

Naturally she asked, "oh wonderful, where are you going?" so I told her all about this wonderful Chinese restaurant - really quite up-market and swish, fairly expensive, needed to book well in advance.... she was so pleased for us....

Came the evening, H. and I are sitting, finishing our starter, when the waiter approaches the table

(Honestly, I'm not making this up....)

There's a phone call for me.

I'm thinking "babysitter needs some advice, maybe?"

 

I go to the 'phone - it's the local hospital.

A senior nurse is telling me that D attempted suicide, but didn't take enough tablets to do the job, it was really a cry for help - but she gave my name as next-of-kin and told the nursing staff where i would be, and could i possibly go over to sign some forms as D is out of it?

 

Way to ruin someone's evening.

 

Well, we abandoned our meal, went to the hospital, i signed some forms, went to see her in the recovery ward, where she was feebly and sleepily sobbing....

 

When I got home, I rang her mother and father. They lived in Spain.

They immediately came over to the UK to get her, and took her back with them to their retirement villa, where she proceeded to drink them out of house and home, smoke all their cigarettes, and live precisely like a wayward, unruly teenager, bringing a different guy home every night.

 

Then, she wrote to me.

A long, depressing missive about how badly her life was messed up, how everything was going against her, how unfair it all was -

 

and again.

I replied.

 

With an up-beat, positive, glowing, jolly letter, telling her how great everything was 'chez moi' and how I had tried to help her but frankly, unless she helped herself, there was nothing to be done. She had made her choices, she had to live with them. I really didn't care any more.

 

Her mother telephoned me about a fortnight later to tell me that D had taken my letter badly, and had called me every name under the sun.

I was thrilled.

I didn't care, but it seemed I had finally got rid of her.

 

And I had.

 

 

TL; DR....?

 

Okay then, to summarise - countermand everything an emotional vampire uses to bleed you dry, with a directly opposite kick-back.

 

They hate joy.

They hate positivity.

They hate for someone to shine on their parade.

 

if every time you think of them, your shoulders sag, you make an 'ugh' sound, you buckle under the weight, and you would love to avoid talking to them at all costs - then they're an emotional vampire.

 

What they want is to off-load their crap onto you, and have you bear the weight, while they find something else to phukkup with.

 

Put it down, it's not yours.

It's theirs.

let them drag it everywhere, you're too busy skippin' thru the daisies!

[Radu]

To add, for those that might suggest it, i can't cut these ppl out of my life.

 

They either need to cut themselves out of my life, or keep a holding pattern far away, or move to someone else.

I can't be the one that does the cutting, the action has to come from them, the decision has to come from them, and depending on what outcome i desire [go away or hold but be ok], i need to influence that.

 

They are and will be in my professional life quite a lot.

[Radu]

It's a story, so grab a coffee.....

 

I loved it [the long story].

I really did, i hope more ppl post stories like this one.

 

I'm still on the fence to say why i need to figure out [in detail] how to get rid of these ppl, because they are part of my life right now.

 

The woman i described in the OP.

I ended up telling her about my life, made it seem worse, untill she had nothing left to up the dosage, it was incredible ... i would say a bad thing, she would say a worse thing, i would a much worse thing, then she would say a much much much worse thing.

It went down to her saying that i was lucky that my parents loved me ... i agreed.

And then i excused myself.

And then i went underground [much contact was in public but also on YM], for a few weeks while i dealt 'with some problems'.

 

I can't go to all this trouble in the future to make them move to another target.

 

So ppl, if you have stories of this kind, pls post them.

[TaraMaiden]

To add, for those that might suggest it, i can't cut these ppl out of my life.

 

They either need to cut themselves out of my life, or keep a holding pattern far away, or move to someone else.

 

They will do this.

 

you can use any animal you like, but when the watering hole is dry, they find another watering hole.

 

If you exhaust their supply of your energy, by withholding it, denying access or reflecting all their negativity back at them - they cannot but choose the option of walking away.

It stands to reason.

you go to a diner that's closed? You go eat elsewhere.

You go to buy some shoes but the shop has nothing you like?

You go find a pair elsewhere.

 

you never stay where you ain't getting what you need.

 

I can't be the one that does the cutting, the action has to come from them, the decision has to come from them, and depending on what outcome i desire [go away or hold but be ok], i need to influence that.

Easy.

Be upbeat. Positive. Genial. And don't respond to any talk of, "Huh! YOU'RE lucky - you can do *this, that or the other*.... I can't because if I do...."

 

Do not engage in the discussion further.

 

Change the subject.

"Oh well, never mind!

Hey, I'm gonna see the new Iron man movie next week! I'm really looking forward to it!"

 

(Say anything - ANYTHING - that completely diverts the discussion to a whole new ground.

Why?

Because they know - they KNOW - that trying to steer it back to their issue is now whingeing and seeking attention....)

 

They are and will be in my professional life quite a lot.

 

Cool.

That's fine - let them be in it as much as they want.

 

They don't have to BE PART of it.

 

And pretty soon, they will give up the effort of draining you - because it's too much like hard work. They need an unconsciously willing victim, not someone who argues the toss.....

[venusianx13]

As always, I like TM's advice, and will have to try it. I have an opportunity this week, in fact, as my FIL's are down visiting from up north. FMIL, while I do like her, complains pretty incessantly. To the point where I (or anyone else, for that matter) cannot get a word in, edgewise. I used to listen intently, because I felt really sorry for her and figured she had no one else to talk to, but...I just can't do it anymore! And so, while I do see her good qualities, I end up quite emotionally exhausted after visiting with her. I will try to keep things upbeat and positive... perhaps it will remedy the situation. Otherwise, my therapist told me to politely excuse myself whenever possible.

 

However, I will tell you one thing I will NOT be doing during this visit. The last few times they came for a visit, I cooked and brought dinner to them after I was done with my workday. FMIL has some dietary restrictions, so I was sure to avoid ingredients she couldn't handle. Last time, she complained about what I had prepared, even asked me if she was tasting specific ingredients that I knowingly omitted for her sake. It made for a pretty crappy feeling for me, and so, I made it abundantly clear to them that I wasn't going to be cooking dinner this week, but will happily pick up some take out. I didn't explicitly say why I was unwilling to cook this time, but I'm sure it's pretty obvious.

Edited April 30, 2013 by venusianx13

[Emilia]

Good posts TM!

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you!

 

It works!

 

It seems ovewrly simplistic, because our natural instinct is to sympathise, to support, to assist, to offer comfort....

 

The big give-away, that differentiates an EV from someone who genuinely benefits from our assistance - is that the EV will always come back with how something is utterly impossible for them to do...

It's always, "I can't", "yes but...."

 

Protests, blocking good advice, going off and doing the complete opposite, then blaming the result on whatever has gone wrong, never themselves.

 

Vampires deflect.

it's never them, it's always beyond their control, and whatever you put in front of them, that they can do, they develop complete amnesia, and almost totally forget they've even spoken to you about it - because their ensuing actions are invariably precisely what you advised them to not do.

 

If they do what you suggest - it solves the problem.

But they don't want to solve the problem - because it's drama.

They thrive on drama.

And drama means they have an interest.

An interest which keeps you giving....

 

So - stop giving. Offer no remedy.

 

Put it all back on them.

 

When they off-load, sympathise -

 

"Boy, you sure DO have it tough, don't you?"

 

(Offers no remedy.)

 

"What shall I dooooo??"

 

"Well... What do YOU think you should do?"

 

(Puts it all back on them).

 

If they say something they could do, or they don't know.....

"Ah well... think about it for a while!"

 

....and change the subject....

 

"Oh, I have to show you this picture on youtube, it's so funny!"

 

Find something - anything - which is so far removed form their lament, that they can't help but follow you.

Trust me, they will take their leave soon after, and then avoid you like the plague.....

[candie13]

hum... those people want things from you. They will do their best to woo you and then try to steal / take those things - money, attention, time, patience from you.

 

Since you do not wish / cannot cut them loose, you will need to mentally establish barriers. For instance, say to yourself:

" A. I will see these people twice per month and we will have lunch.

B. During lunch, I will ask questions and will listen.

C. I will engage in conversation and give them the opportunity to do their wooing act.

D. However, after lunch is over, I will not talk to them, I will not engage with them, I will not even think about them anymore.

E. I will only acknowledge their existence the next time I decide to see them."

 

Personally, I believe it is the only way this can work, without them poisoning you fully: draw a perimeter and keep them there. With all your force and will.

 

But you need to be very cunning and not allow them to see through your game. These vampires live to torment you and feed off your attention and time. They almost always want to have control and will wish to see you whenever they damn well please. This is why you need to always say yes and never have their attention raised. And at the very last minute, cancel, reschedule, do whatever you can to keep them within the limits you set.

 

Very calm, very polite, extremely welcoming and very firm.

 

IMHO, being able to do that requires a lot of skill and even then, it can backfire. Because you cannot close these people in a bubble. If you have them in your life, you will be exposed to them, because they can meet your friends, your SO or other people who appreciate you and these vampires will try to pass for decent people and do whatever they can to get into your life and your friends' (and outside their perimeter) deeper.

 

Ideally, now that you've understood how they are, you would cut them loose forever. They have something you want or need, and if they are or become aware of that, they won't be afraid to use it against you, to get more of you, for themselves. Can't be both master and servant at the same time...

[TaraMaiden]

....But you need to be very cunning and not allow them to see through your game. These vampires live to torment you and feed off your attention and time. They almost always want to have control and will wish to see you whenever they damn well please. This is why you need to always say yes and never have their attention raised.

EV's can't see through your game.

They are so totally self-absorbed, they cannot even contemplate someone rebuffing them...

It doesn't compute.

 

In fact, such rebuttal usually comes as a complete shock - hence their sudden and evident departure.

 

It starves them immediately of what they need.

They need - to feed.

 

And once you understand what their dietary habits consist of - depriving them of their nutrition, is extremely simple.

[candie13]

I totally agree.. just not sure if he wants them to go away forever, because he needs them - that's the tricky part. Not sure if he wants to keep them fully happy or partially happy or just cut them loose.

[TaraMaiden]

I totally agree.. just not sure if he wants them to go away forever, because he needs them - that's the tricky part. Not sure if he wants to keep them fully happy or partially happy or just cut them loose.

 

 

Good question.....

[GorillaTheater]

I can't say that I've ever had much of a problem with EVs. I tend to simply not give them the time of day.

 

My heart goes out to those who are truly victims, and especilly those who are reasonably trying to improve their situation. But I have no tolerance for those who are eager to claim victim status, particularly due to events of their own making. It probably says something about my empathy, but it also speaks to my generally drama-free life.

[Radu]

 

So - stop giving. Offer no remedy.

 

Put it all back on them.

 

When they off-load, sympathise -

 

"Boy, you sure DO have it tough, don't you?"

 

(Offers no remedy.)

 

"What shall I dooooo??"

 

"Well... What do YOU think you should do?"

 

(Puts it all back on them).

 

If they say something they could do, or they don't know.....

"Ah well... think about it for a while!"

 

....and change the subject....

 

"Oh, I have to show you this picture on youtube, it's so funny!"

 

Find something - anything - which is so far removed form their lament, that they can't help but follow you.

Trust me, they will take their leave soon after, and then avoid you like the plague.....

 

This is awesome.

 

I totally agree.. just not sure if he wants them to go away forever, because he needs them - that's the tricky part. Not sure if he wants to keep them fully happy or partially happy or just cut them loose.

 

It's like this.

I've been the kind of guy throughout my life who puts his beliefs out in the open, and info on his life.

I hold nothing back, i offer it.

In my previous college, and in my previous jobs [technical], this did not matter much, the ppl were interested more in what you understood of technical stuff.

 

But now, i want to practice law in 4yrs, and i have issues.

I have made a mental inventory of the ppl i meet, and by that i have done my best to become better seen publicly.

It's been an incredible drag, but i salute ppl, i pay respects, i am more receptive instead of blurting out my opinion and essentially telling them to gtfo out of my life.

Mostly because it's a social job, i need to be in good standing with many ppl.

And some of the students that i have seen going there [but also a few teachers i heard], are the kind of ppl who you do not want to piss off.

That's all i'm going to say, you do not want to piss off lawyers, it's like a woman to the power of 10 in terms of expertise in social interactions.

So for my career, it's best i keep on friendly, if not great terms with all of them.

 

A good example; if you follow Game of Thrones you might have noticed Joffrey, which is a sadistic sociopath.

Look at how Sansa dealt with him, and how Margaery dealt with him.

The latter learned to guide him, to tickle his ego, to lead from below.

 

I need to become more like that character, TM's post just prompted this realisation in me.

Best of all, i need to be like this with possible clients.

That's because i need to counsel the -possible- fools and make sure i get understood.

 

This is why i need examples, they are great so far ppl ... write more if you remember.

[Radu]

I totally agree.. just not sure if he wants them to go away forever, because he needs them - that's the tricky part. Not sure if he wants to keep them fully happy or partially happy or just cut them loose.

 

You mentioned it very well before, i need to setup boundaries, i want control of the process, of the interactions between me and them ... and i'm not referring to blocking them out of my life.

[TaraMaiden]

Radu, the thing is, what you've been trying to do, is to be compassionate.

 

Brilliant tactic, commendable.

Trouble is, there are, in my view, two types of Compassion:

 

Wise Compassion, and Idiot Compassion.

 

In a nutshell, Idiot Compassion enables dependency, Wise Compassion enables independence.

 

I didn't know it way back then, but to begin with, I practised idiot compassion - and in the end, by bringing their presences in my life to an abrupt halt - I finally practised Wise Compassion (but they certainly didn't thank me for it).

Basically what I did in the end, was to prop them back upright and stepped back to make them find their own balance, instead of relying on me to stay level for them.

 

When we help others, and provide them with what they seem to need, what we're also doing is feeding our own Egos: it makes us indispensable, so we must be important to them.....

However, this 'nourishment' backfires on us, and leaves us with a bitter taste in our mouths.

 

we have to discern what is true assistance, and what is simply a sticking plaster on their self-inflicted major problem....

How are we actually helping, if they steadfastly refuse to help themselves?

 

That's how you gauge an EV.

By how much of your kindly concern they are actually implementing.

 

I have been called a few choice names on here, by some sad, grief-stricken dumped people - because at one point they make the transition from Dumpee to 'victim'.

They have imperceptibly flowed from someone in need of help, to someone who has leeched every ounce of sympathy from others - and continued to behave in the same 'loser' way....

 

EV's really, really irritate the schytt out of me.

I think, because of personal experience, i find it very difficult to cultivate any respect for them, and in fact, sadly, hold them to a level of contempt....I have little patience and even less time for them now....

 

And that is also a means of self-preservation.

Because idiot Compassion will drain your energy, quicker than anything else....

[Radu]

Radu, the thing is, what you've been trying to do, is to be compassionate.

 

Brilliant tactic, commendable.

Trouble is, there are, in my view, two types of Compassion:

 

 

I thought about this, but you are wrong.

 

There is no compassion here.

As far as i care, they go and suck on an active grenade, they can decide to have a picnic on used railroad tracks or decide to try out ballet on a high speed freeway in the middle of the damn night.

 

I don't care about them.

I want to figure out how to manipulate them.

 

I want them to make them give me their business, setup strong walls they will respect [if it's possible], and not fall into their despair.

And if they are ppl who can't affect my career, make them cut me off [through your ideea of the happy letter].

[TaraMaiden]

I don't care about them

I want to figure out how to manipulate them.

 

I want them to make them give me their business, setup strong walls they will respect [if it's possible], and not fall into their despair.

And if they are ppl who can't affect my career, make them cut me off [through your ideea of the happy letter].

 

Who agree we talking about exactly?

And in what context....?

[TaraMaiden]

Radu.... Did you want to respond, at all....?

[Archgirl]

My mother is an emotional vampire. I have inbuilt immunity.

 

But oddly they still seem to be almost magnetically attracted to me.

 

I think they get attracted to the internal strength and empathy they don't have.

 

I don't let them take hold. I give support when and where I choose and frequently give them nothing at all. My usual tactic is to give them no sympathy/cut them off when they are drying to use me as a garbage rceptacle for their negative emotions and give them a firm push as to how to solve their issues for themselves.